Why is China treating us like Native Americans? Don’t they know we killed them all?

Reading the New York Times this morning I see the latest news from China is that their pigs (which I love because I like bacon, hot dogs and Babe) are contaminated with some horrible virus that may cause major problems in the pork world. This is just the latest in a series of things that China has done to hurt America.

Earlier this week there was a report that millions of toys had to be recalled because they had lead in them (or were choking hazards) that could be very bad for children. Last month it was pet food and toothpaste that were damaged goods. Fortunately China, in the overreaction of the century, executed the head of their food and drug agency (albeit more for approving fake drugs, but still). Then there is all this talk of China’s government trying to devalue their currency, which I have no idea what the hell that means, but the business section of the Times is very angry about it.

The truth is I am not sure what China is doing because they are doing so much. And I think it is brilliant. In 2007 no one is going to stand for blankets with small pox and getting Americans drunk to take over their country. In today’s world you need to be more sophisticated to take over America and I think China is up to the task. With a billion people they are well equipped to subvert free speech in their own country and take down ours at the same time.

Just think – with bad pigs come bad hot dogs and with bad hot dogs comes unhealthy baseball fans. With no baseball fans, America’s past time will die, unless injected with human growth hormone. Although we all know that America’s past time is getting fat playing video game systems. Systems that are designed by Japanese people and made in… China.

Then pet food – with dying pets, Americans will have nothing to kick when they get home to vent over their shi-ty jobs, many of which they may lose as they go to China and India. Fewer pets to abuse means more person-on-person violence. Michael Vick will have to have homeless people battling to the death at his home now.

Toothpaste problems – well that is easy. China wants our teeth to resemble theirs (and Brits), further weakening our world standing and one of our distinct advantages over them.

And then toys. Even this is a low blow – putting harmful lead in toys so that our children get sick and so there is no next generation of America. When I was growing up He-Man had special powers, but one of them was not the ability to cause Cancer. Optimus Prime could not turn my lungs into landfill.

So for these reasons I am asking everyone to boycott the Olympics next summer, which are going to be in China. I have already given up my spot on the USA Handball Team.