The Great Diploma Heist of 2009
Twas the night before my last day and all through the Chrysler Building…
On the eve of my last day it started out well. My corporate hoops team worked hard and earned a forfeit (the other team could not play with only two players, despite their coach’s claim a la Norman Dale that “his team was on the floor”). After the non-game I went and re-discovered my Al Pacino impression at a show afterwards (think Carlito’s Way – very good). Lastly, before going home I decided to pick up my diplomas from my office on the way home. My options for bringing my diplomas home, or $240,000 in parchment form, were either to bring them home today around lunch time in midtown Manhattan allowing several thousand New Yorkers to observe a true walk of shame (walking home with your former career in your hands looks a lot worse than walking home wearing last night’s clothes and an early morning hangover), or to go into my office at 11:15 pm last night and retrieve them.
So I opted for the evening retrieval. I marched into my office and scooped up my diplomas. As I was leaving the building I was stopped by security and asked to show identification. WOW – welcome to civilian life as-hole. I felt like Ice Cube in Higher Learning – I almost said to the security guard, “Let me see yo’ ID.” I wondered why I was being subjected to such odd treatment. Was it racial? Perhaps, except these two crusty white security guards probably thought I was Italian anyway. Was it my lack of a lawyerly air? Probably, considering my puffy winter coat, sweatpants and 2007 Dwayne Wade high top sneakers.
It still made little sense though, since I had a security pass to enter the building and who the fu-k steals diplomas? Like some sort of poorly dressed and uninteresting Thomas Crowne Affair.
I am now considering what to do with them. I may bring them on stage with me since that is technically my new office. But before that I must go in to the firm for one more day (today). Hopefully there is either a slow clap for me as I leave for the last time or a Dead Poets’ Society-Captain My Captain moment as I walk out.
Thank you lawyers. Thank you.
2 COMMENTS
Parchment makes excellent fire starter. I suggest you burn down the building.
I like your idea of bringing them on stage with you. You could become a real Method comic, where you insist on having the diplomas hanging on the wall around you so can “be in the moment” with your lawyer jokes. Every film director would hate you.
Sorry to hear about the loss of your job.
Good luck with your new career from the guy who’s jacket you ‘accidentally’ stole from the PILC fair two years ago (Your blog was entertaining enough to keep reading).
Good time to get out of law too. I’ll gladly take that diploma off your hands if it’s from a higher ranked school.
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