As a comedian who spends his time in front of a computer an uncomfortably large part of the day I spend a requisite hour or eight on Facebook.  Now I post a lot of things to Facebook and Twitter because sadly, in this day and age, someone of my fledgling standing in entertainment must inundate the Internet with my videos and thoughts to simply keep pace.  I hope for the day when entertainment make me wealthy (Vegas has this at 5.9% chance of happening) when I can slow down or stop all the Internet postings.  But while I am still here I thought I would share some thoughts on the world’s chosen replacement for God – Facebook.

I’ve made this point before, but Facebook is a chance for people to feel connected in a way that religion does for people and used to do for a lot more people.  But unlike religion there is no feeling of consequence or judgment for poor or questionable behavior.  People can share (or more accurately, impose) there every thought on everyone, thereby giving the sender the feeling of connectedness that a spiritual community can often provide.  But there is no real downside.

Well, if we are the in the Old Testament phase of Facebook then I think it is time for some wrath and judgment for a lot of the people that make the website an atrocious marketplace of stupidity to make themselves feel like they matter, even if only subconsciously.

My feeling is religion, whether true or not, clearly answers basic human needs and curiosities – it’s why it’s still around after millenia.  But everyone needs something to do what religion does, even if they are avowed atheists who think themselves intellectually above those needs.  Many people I know who decry the benefits of religion have simultaneously turned social networking into a crutch.  For example, in another realm, some women I’ve known who abhorred the top-down mandates of some religions, could not wait for the Fashion Papacy to declare what was “hot” in an upcoming season, even if the very same items were detested by the same women only a few years earlier.  I think Facebook is operating in a similar fashion, where lots of people who mock the idea of “an invisible man,” but still feel the need to share meal choices, thoughts, and emotions, no matter how mundane, to feel connected.

So without further ado or Internet preaching here are the 5 archetypes you should tell to fu*k off on Facebook:

1) Facebook philosophers– These are the people who drop little quotes or life lessons in their Facebook updates.  Please stop.  And perhaps even worse are their friends who reply “Amen” or “That is so beautiful – thanks for posting”.  Looking to or finding inspiration on Facebook is like finding nutrition at a McDonald’s.   Sometimes the philosophy is angry or in complaint form so it does not sound as enlightened and will usually get a few undeserved LMFAOs, but it is still useless street philosophy.

2) Comfort Seekers– Now men occasionally do this, but more often than not it is women.  You know, the vague “I know it will get better” or “Today is the worst” messages?  These are often followed by fellow women, or men who want to fu*k the original poster, with, “You can make it” or “What’s wrong?”  A few weeks I replied to a message like this with some harmless sarcasm (because it’s fu*king Facebook) and was met with a “This is not the day, seriously.”  Oh I’m sorry – did I not give your Facebook status update the requisite respect it deserves?  Huh, perhaps you should talk to an actual human being if things are actually bad and not send out look at me, horsesh*t pleas for attention.

Of course comfort seekers are a two sided coin.  There are also a boatload of comedians and entertainers who send messages seeking accolades.  One could accuse me of this, but it ain’t the case.  Besides, it’s usually the same 15 people who will tell me that my stuff is funny so I know that they appreciate it and I know the other 1600 “friends” don’t give a sh*t.

3) Terrible joke writers.  As a comedian I am friends with a disproportionate amount of “comedians.”  To civilian readers, you honestly have no idea how many bad comedians there are in the world.  It’s frightening.  I am going to begin adopting a policy of commenting on jokes that I think are bad.  You could say, “who are you to judge?” and the answer is simple – I am funny and judgmental, which makes me the perfect candidate to start telling people.

4) The All Purpose Facebook people– these people do Mafia Wars, Farm thing and also tell you how good their drink is, how delicious their food is, how nice the weather is, how glad they are it’s Friday or how angry they are that it is Monday, etc.  For the love of God/Mark Zuckerberg, have a thought without expressing it, enjoy simple pleasures without having to validate it through sharing and shut your fu*king fingers up.  And tangentially, the mock letter to an inanimate object or organization (e.g. “Dear MTA, please don’t make your stations smell like urine.” is hack (for comedians) and not cute (for regular folk)).

5) The Questioners – these people enjoy posting questions like “blah blah blah – what do you think?”  You don’t honestly care what I or others think – you just want posts and validation – stop it. How can you actually care what a bunch of people that you don’t know think about a Facebook or Twitter post?  That’s what comedians are for.  To seek validation from strangers.

So those are the 5 groups that most grind my gears on Facebook.  If you fit into one of these groups you probably aren’t reading this because you are  most likely committing one of the above listed annoyances.