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Are Black Men The New White Girls?

For every sports fan or fan of athletic black men, for whatever reason, the LeBron James Reality Show is set to end tomorrow night when he announces on ESPN at 9pm where he will play next year.  I’m just surprised he did not select the Bravo Network to make his announcement.

Thanks to magazines like Maxim, men began slowly creeping into women’s dominion over fashion, grooming and sexual insecurity over a decade ago.  In the interest of full disclosure I occasionally get manicures and do tear up at the movie Dead Poets’ Society, but it is starting to feel like there are no differences between women and men.  I think in work and other areas where equality is needed that is great, but in general society I think it is important to have differences and embrace and enjoy them.  But thanks to LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and the impressively annoying Chris Bosh, the differences have been obliterated.  LeBron, Wade and Bosh are supposed to be alpha males and caricatures of male virility as elite professional athletes; so why have they become The Real Housewives of Miami?

First let’s start with Bosh.  Has a man ever sent more mixed messages?  His hair and imposing presence make me think he is hunting Arnold Schwarzenegger in a jungle, but his Tweets make me think he is one Cosmo from tweeting, “Miami is totes fab, having a quick vacay before heading to training camp with the ladies!”  Thank you Twitter for taking the position made famous by Kevin McHale, Karl Malone and Kevin Garnett and turning it into something Joel McHale can discuss on The Soup!  And if you think this is overblown, Bosh does have a documentary crew following him around.  I guess so future generations can actually witness the moment when a guy who looked like Predator became Bethany Frankel (even that I know who Bethany Frankel is is a personal crisis for me).  And all this for a player who has no business being considered a top 3 free agent.

Then there is Dwyane Wade, who has the man street cred of having given a woman VD (not his ex-wife), but who also has a documentary crew following him.  Seriously is Oxygen or Bravo going to pick this up?  This has been like a bizarre romance between D-Wade and Bosh.  I can see them doing Real World confessionals with Wade saying, “If Chris wants me he can come to me,” and Bosh tearing up, “I just want him to want me.”  Oh wait, they may have already done that in their respective documentaries.

Then there is LeBron.  The alpha male of alpha males.  He is announcing his decision tomorrow night on ESPN.  I’m pretty sure that gay guy that does the Housewives reunion shows will be hosting it.  Where is Simon Cowell to call this “incredibly self-indulgent?”  Even Alex Rodriguez had a standard press conference when he came to the Yankees (Derek Jeter probably required it) and that guy is a cologne ad and a Men’s Health cover all in one (as in Metrosexual to the point of occasional exploration).  And A-Rod fu*ked Bethany Frankel, he did not become her.  But LeBron (and the media circus which have been willing co-conspirators) have turned this into drama that only reality show dregs can match.

And what reality show would be complete without tears and tomorrow night I expect them to be flowing from LeBron.  He can stay in Cleveland, which is his home, where he is the favorite son or he can go to one of the bigger glamorous cities.  Wait, wasn’t that the “plot” of The Hills?  See, I hate these shows and yet I am so inundated with the crap that I think I know what they are.  But I never expected the NBA to be this.  Now I may have to watch the WNBA for a more masculine version of the NBA, albeit, one with lots of layups.

But LeBron’s other options are New York, Chicago and Miami, all great cities.  If he goes to Miami I hear that Natasha Bedingfield has been commissioned to write a theme song.

I hope he stays in Cleveland because I don’t think those other cities deserve him or will genuinely appreciate him the way that Cleveland will.  But this process has already done it’s damage.  Not just because it has turned NBA stars into trite starlets, but because it has forced me to further respect a player I do not particularly like: Kobe Bryant.  Hey, at least he’s still a man.  And if LeBron leaves Cleveland to form the Spice Girls in Miami I will do something I have never done – I’ll be rooting for Kobe in the Finals.

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Women’s Studies

With a historic nomination, a Pulitzer Prize winning play and a GQ interview all creating different buzz around different women I decided to dedicate today’s entry to women, sort of.  This will not become a regular thing.

First, President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor to the bench, which became the instant rags to riches story of Bronx project girl made good.  However, it is important to note that she still had a father and a mother working, setting a strong example and instilling in her the values and hard work that would propel her to where she is today.  Not every kid from the projects will have a Princeton or Yale Law intellect (in fact many of the sons and daughters of privilege do not have them either), and worse still is that not every kid will have the kind of guidance that Justice Sotomayor had (I know her father died when she was nine, but that is still a different situation than the incessant problem of deadbeat or non-existent fathers).  So while I hope she is confirmed and can’t wait to make jokes about the Supreme Court being stocked with Bustelo Coffee and Clarence Thomas hoping to be the Supreme Court’s P Diddy to Sotomayor’s Jennifer Lopez I just hope this is not another chance for angry conservatives to pull the “anyone can do it” schtick.

Second, I saw a play called Ruined (this year’s Pulitzer Prize winner for Drama), which focuses on the ravages that Civil War in Congo has taken on young women.  Those featured in the play actually find some refuge in being prostitutes inside of a brothel, because it is shamefully safer and more comfortable than being easy prey for soldiers and rebels or facing scorn and shame from their villages.  The play was quite powerful, but all I could think of was how it inspired in me a new reality series for Bravo: The Real Housewives of New York… in Congo.  If they are successful there you could then send the Real Housewives of Orange County to Afghanistan, etc.  Just a thought.

Lastly I saw a story about Levi Johnston yesterday, who inexplicably continues to get press coverage.  I will say it few times, but I feel bad for Sarah and Bristol Palin (more for Bristol, but some for Sarah as well).  Why this Kevin Federline wannabe, with the same face and respect for women as a young John Wayne Bobbit**, is still getting press is beyond me.  But it is making me believe that people do enjoy beating up Sarah Palin beyond the norm for politicians.  The clip I saw on television yesterday concerned his interview with GQ (“gentleman?”), in which he talks about how he and Bristol drifted apart (wow – after a pregnancy it’s amazing how he lost interest in her) and he says that that it’s “weird” going over to the Palins house to see his kid, but Sarah Palin puts on a “fake smile” for him because she is a politician.  Only an idiot would buy the GQ specifically for his interview and only the most blindly idiotic partisan Democrat would actually read it and say, “Yeah – Palin is such a fake politician!”  Perhaps it’s “weird” around the Palins because you got their daughter pregnant and now badmouth your kid’s grandmother.   So if I have to choose between Obama and Palin I take Obama without thinking, but I’ll take the Palins over Levi Johnston.

**In terms of look-alikes I am aware that Levi Johnston looks more like the lead singer of 3 Doors Down and Michael Shannon (from Revolutionary Road among other films), but JW Bobbitt is more appropriate and funnier.