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Comedy Central Announces 2016 Roster for The Half Hour

I am happy to announce that after years of blogging about stand up comedy from an insider’s perspective I have my first major, confirmed scoop – Comedy Central will announce their roster of 16 new choices for their stand up series, The Half Hour, in the next month, but I have obtained the list of the chosen comedians this weekend!  Before giving you the specific choices (congrats to all those who have been selected) here is the demographic breakdown: average age 29 years old, average gender: cis male with hipster sensitivities and average beard length: George Clooney when not filming a movie. So without further adieu, please read up and offer congrats to 2016’s choices (who will now realize that they have at least 400 people who consider them close friends):

3 Women – With 2016 being the 5th consecutive year of “the year of women in comedy” it is refreshing that Comedy Central has bumped up their usual number of half hour specials from 2 to 3.  One woman will be a woman of color, one will be an attractive white woman who shares tales of her sexual adventures and one will be a “regular” white girl who hates Tinder and generally hates societal judgment.

4 Bearded White Men – Despite recognizing the importance of reaching the key youthful demographic of sperm, the industry still has a soft spot for the residual effect of Zach Galifianakis blowing up in The Hangover 7 years ago. Beards became all the rage back then and their presence is still with us in the comedy industry’s tastes, as evidenced by 4 bearded white men chosen for this year’s slate (3 awkward, alt personalities and one guy who is a mainstream comedian who just happens to have a beard).

3 Veteran Comedians – These are the spots for skilled comedians with over a decade of experience in stand up (one of who will most likely be recording his or her 2nd Comedy Central Half Hour).  These are nice token gestures by the producers to show that occasionally old people over 28 need to be represented in stand up, even if that forces Comedy Central to commit the sin of including comedians born during or before Reagan’s presidency (who?).

1 D-list celebrity – I won’t name names here, but there is a comedic actor with almost 18 months of stand up experience and over 30,000 Twitter followers who is likely to drop hot fire in a Half Hour this summer (despite his agent trying to strong arm for an hour, known in the industry as “The Donald Glover Deal”).  There is a rumor, however, that this spot may actually be given to a Vine/Instagram celebrity (TBD).

2 Non Threatening Male Comedians of Color – 1 black guy who is a nerd and/or hipster and for the other male POC spot an Asian, a Latino and a Black guy will choose straws on Feb 26th (so specific name TBD).

7 Comedians with 1 Conan Appearance Each – As the only real showcase for stand up on a consistent basis in the late night sphere this may seem like easy picking, but with only 7 chosen, that still leaves 411 1-time Conan appearance comics without a Half Hour.

There is some overlap if you add up the list, but if you think that is a mistake you are wrong and you have the problem – ARE YOU SUGGESTING A WOMAN OF COLOR COULD NOT ALSO BE A GUEST ON CONAN OR THAT A VETERAN COMEDIAN COULDN’T ALSO HAVE A BEARD????? There is overlap here, but this list is confirmed so offer congrats to the comedians and managers who made some dreams come true in 2016.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Training Cookie – The Finalists For Who Will Train…

It has been just over a month since I got Cookie, my dog, from a Tennessee rescue organization for golden retrievers. Cookie is just over a year old and very puppy-ish in her behavior.  Peeing at times out of both joy and anxiety is normal I am told, but she also has a crippling fear of cars and especially trucks and emergency vehicles.  This fear has become somewhat problematic as it looks half the time like I am dragging her to lethal injection when trying to get her to the park. At this point when she even sees the leash she runs to her bed. In the grand scheme of things she is a good dog and it could be a lot worse considering she was found abandoned in a Kentucky trailer park (an almost guaranteed path to doggy stripping), but the time has come to get serious about this her training and mental well being, despite the increased forearm strength I am gaining from pulling her around the East 50s. But instead of going with some amateur dog training entrepreneur who will simply try to give her treats to induce good behavior (she is so scared outside that she won’t even take a treat) I am going to elite trainers who have made heroes and champions over the last few decades. So here are the finalists to train Cookie and their pitch to win over Cookie – feel free to vote in the comments section below:

1) Tony “Duke” Evers – The man trained two heavyweight champions – Apollo Creed and Rocky Balboa.  Proved to be a voice of reason when Apollo was not taking Rocky seriously and provided emotion and passion when Rocky needed it.  His advice to Cookie: “NOW THIS IS IT! I NEED YOU TO WALK TO THE PARK!! ALL YOUR LOVE, ALL YOUR PEE, ALL YOUR POOP! EVERYTHING YOU GOT!”

 

2) Mr. Miyagi – Turned a lanky wuss into a local Karate champion, so given Cookie’s fears this may be a good approach for her. Plus he works for bonsai trees, so he is in my income bracket.  His advice to Cookie: “Car-uh no-uh hit-uh you. Sniff-uh the pavement-uh. No look-uh at-uh truck.”

 

3) The Janitor in Rudy – A man who has seen hard times and has regrets may be a good trainer for her since he may see the possibility of redemption in Cookie. His motivation for Cookie: “You’re 3 foot nothing, 40 and nothing, you don’t have a spec of courage in you. But you are the dog of J-L Cauvin and in this life you don’t have to prove nothing to nobody except yourself (forceful, proud clap).”

 

4) Johnny from Dirty Dancing – A man with great physical abilities and a history of getting young girls to do what he wants may be the right combination for Cookie to respond to.  He was able to teach Baby to dance well despite a nose so large that it  threw off her balance so maybe he can give Cookie more physical confidence.  Johnny’s advice, however, was to fu*k Cookie, which I am pretty sure is not legal.

5) Coach Cuzo from Best of the Best – he is fat and it is hard to believe he ever competed in kickboxing, but his Darth Vader-esque voice was enough to coach and inspire the US kickboxing team. His advice to Cookie in a baritone of confidence: “Walk.”

6) Rocky Balboa – a champion and a trainer to up and coming fighter Adonis Creed (who for some dumb reason goes by “Donnie” instead of Adonis), but his greatest work was turning an HIV positive hillbilly with a mullet into a heavyweight champion. His advice for Cookie was: “You know, like, you think that these like trucks are your enemy, but you maybe have, like a different enemy, like maybe, it’s you that’s your biggest enemy – ALRIGGHT COOOOKAY!”

7) Full Metal Jacket Drill Sergeant – my preferred choice because other than Cookie’s adorable face she really could use the Private Pyle treatment. And since Cookie cannot fire a rifle this would be a much safer training environment for the drill sergeant. His technique for Cookie is as follows: “Holy sh*t Corporal Cookie – you look like every mutt had its way with you in Kentucky. You are scared of trucks you fu*king moron, but you should have been worried about that train that every mangy mutt ran on you in your hometown. You disgust me – DID I SAY YOU COULD LICK YOUR ASS?!”

So those are your finalists to train Cookie.  Leave your vote in the comments if you feel so inspired.  Here is a picture of Cookie in her usual state of anxiety outside:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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New Video Asks: What If Your Favorite TV Bad…

With Sons of Anarchy ending recently, many of the bad boys of the golden age of television are dead and gone (some literally, some just figuratively).  Walter White, Jax Teller, Tony Soprano and Dexter Morgan just to name a few.  But while these men got away with season upon season of violence and anti-heroics, what might have happened to these characters had they been black? Well, that question is answered in this new video:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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The 10 People Likely To Replace Jimmy Fallon

Yes, I know we are 20 years away from having to replace Jimmy Fallon, the newly appointed host of The Tonight Show, but why not get an early start on people likely to bid for his spot.  After a brilliant podcast discussion debate yesterday (if I do say so myself) on who should/will replace Letterman, I thought why not start extrapolating into the future. And since Jimmy Kimmel is still establishing his brand as a late night staple it made sense to explore the potential replacements for Jimmy Fallon (and then maybe 20 years from now some enterprising Internet nerd will unearth this blog, if one of my suggestions is picked, and say, “this former comedian, now coaching girls’ youth basketball as a sentence for violating the 2021 federal statute against cyber insults of female athletes, called it all along!” Partially inspired by the podcast (seriously give it a listen) and also by a desire to not scorch the Earth of the comedy industry for a day (scratch that), decided on this definitive list. Enjoy!

1. Justin Timberlake – Sure he is too young and charismatic now and he is still hoping to have a second act to his musical career imitating Robin Thicke or a first act for his movie career, but around 50 Justin Timberlake will realize he is the perfect combination of famous, friendly and vanilla to kill it as a late night show host. And imagine the joy of Midwest moms twenty years from now if JT starts dancing in the aisles with them like a more feminine version of Ellen?  It will be like that moment so many of us felt seeing John Travolta dance for the first time in years in Pulp Fiction!

2. Chelsea Handler – She is never going away and she has fudged her age this long.  I am sure we will all accept her as 46 years old in 2034.

3. Mindy Kaling – I have heard she is funny, she is brown, but in a tech support way that even real Amurrrricans find useful and she is a woman.  This could work for sure in the future  if she does not branch out to movie stardom, but just remains a friendly TV presence.

 

4. Jay Leno – Think of it almost like a re-boot to end our love of re-boots and, with continued advances in medicine many of his fans may still be alive in huge numbers in 2034.

5. A transgender woman who identifies as she-male with tomboy tendencies.  Isn’t it a matter of time before every group clamors for not just social acceptance, but social elevation?  I look forward to the XOJane.com article, “Isn’t it time we had a host that was not restricted by Facebook’s 50 puritanical choices for gender identification?”

6. Mark Normand – NYC comedian is friendly, funny, has a late night show host’s cadence and has been on more top ten up and comer lists than Belle Knox.  This is the 10,0000 to 1 shot I would place a $50 bet on today.

 

7. Chris Hardwick – As Twitter and other forms of social media continue their onslaught on what comedy used to be this guy has already hosted so many television programs Jesus Christ refers to him as the Lord of Hosts.  And maybe by 2034 late night television will be some virtual reality experience where only the technically superior reign.  Like the future in the Terminator movies except with some guy screaming “POINTS!”

8. Mario Lopez – If George Lopez has not eviscerated America’s hopes that a Latino/Chicano can be funny, given the demographics of the country and Mario Lopez ability to be on television for two decades, maybe he could be a Tonight Show host.

 

9. This Kid 

10. Belle Knox – The aforementioned Duke University porn dabbler whose story continues to change and be modified to avoid criticism has proven that she is media savvy, intelligent and is willing to do the thing most important to advancement in Hollywood: suck di*k.  So hopefully by 2034 we can be done with the oppressive patriarchy of society and pick a host willing to turn late night television into HBO’s Real Sex, so kids without cable can see fun stuff too (assuming the Internet has blown itself up by 2034)

Sadly the list is still heavily male dominant, but I have to leave something for the Jezebel 2034 website to complain about (and then nominate the first group of famous women they can think of).

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free! 

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The Aftermath… Greatest Comments on “Louis CK Tells the…

Yesterday I posted a video to the Internet.  It is over 100,000 views as of today. It took less than 24 hours for it to double my total YouTube views of four years.  So needless to say it was pretty cool to see it getting shared everywhere.  And thanks to the comedians who seemed to wholeheartedly embrace it and more importantly, understand it.  But if all the praise were universal that would be no fun, especially for me.  I like to stay humbled and I like to hear what the average Internet viewer thinks about content and about content providers. And thanks to YouTube, Laughspin, and Huffington Post I have a wealth of positive and thoughtful comments to keep me encouraged as I develop my next video (which may be another comedy video or involve an impression of Biggie, The Rock or President Obama). So before sharing with you my favorite ten comments from the last 24 hours, please enjoy (and share) the video:

So without further adieu here are my favorite unedited comments (thanks to all the people who posted nice compliments, but you did not make the cut):

HUFFINGTON POST:

1. Unfunny. I suppose that was the point, but many people like Louis CK. Had this been about Dane Cook, it’d be hilarious.

2. Boy he sucks. Go back to Elvis impersonations you wad.

3. Wow. Embarrassingly unfunny. Who did this guy blow to get this kind of publicity?

LAUGHSPIN (which primed the audience by titling the article “Comedians mocks Louis CK” completely buying in to what I made fun of – the non-judgmental hero worship of the comedy deity CK has been turned into)

1.The ravings of a jealous comedian addicted to the bitter aftertaste of sour grapes. This guy can only mock someone else’s success instead of getting off his lazy ass and creating something original and dare I say, humorous. Not worthy of your publication’s time or space.

And save the best for last… YOUTUBE

1. this is so awful. Impression was well done

2. this is like louis ck at his worst. comedy sucked, impression was good otherwise.

3. this would have been funny if someone as good as louis ck had written it for you

4. the only part missing in your impression was actually being funny

5. this is fucking cringeworthy

6. this is garbage

7. You captured the man’s voice effectively. (Sorry I had to include this – like a polite person got lost in a shitty dive bar known as YouTube)

8. imagine how much less funny this would be if it didn’t refer to Louis C.K

9. I am all about trying to make fun of anyone but this was painfully unfunny. This guy sucks

10. You could literally do this to any comedian, pretty stupid and pointless to hate on C.K.

11. Any time someone no one knows or has ever heard of tries to make a name by talking shit about someone who deserves everything he has because he’s earned it, it comes off as sour grapes.

12. GO SKATE INTO AN AIDS TREE YOU MOTHERFUCKER

So I take it as a badge of honor that the 10-15% of viewers who have responded negatively to the video do not understand satire, parody or the idea of an impression.  But most importantly they have proved the bigger point – that Louis CK has achieved an infallibility in their minds, which is what makes him ripe for parody.  So thanks to everyone else who got it – you are in the 80+ IQ club.  Everyone else – good luck with your lives and thanks for giving me a blog post for the day!

Now I just have to grasp the fact that any success that comes from this will be a result of YouTube, Twitter and Louis CK fans, three things I am always complaining about.

Dont forget to buy tickets to my new stand up album recording May 18th 9pm in New York City HERE

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes