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Comedy Recap: Stalker, San Antonio and Montreal

San Antonio

I am writing this as quickly as I can from the San Antonio airport (which has fantastic free Wi-Fi) before I board my flight bound for JFK.  I have a busy three days until Thursday when I depart for the Cleveland Improv (hey 9-13 fans in the Cleveland area come to Thursday’s show to see me do a longer set!) so I am taking advantage of these final few minutes in Texas.  The second week in San Antonio got off to an inauspicious start, especially when “someone” called the club to complain about the blog.  According to a club employee, a “customer” called the club to say “I was going to come to the club, but then I read the blog by J-L Cauvin and will not be coming to your club.  I cannot believe you let him write things like that about your club.”  Now, on first glance this looks terrible – a customer complaining to a club about you is one of the worst things that can happen, especially if it is related to your behavior or actions and NOT your comedy.  However, with just a minimal amount of analysis I was able to break the code.

The caller was Bob Hellener (google the name, my blogs and a very unattractive picture should appear).  First it had to be someone who read my blog (it had around 150 hits according to Google analytics by the time the call was made).  It had less than 10 hits in Texas.  So what are the odds that one of these less than 10 people, PLANNING on attending the show, would go and read the blog of the FEATURE act, be offended by the description of the comedian apartment (nothing but compliments for the club in the blog) and refuse to attend the show because of that.  It would require a mentally ill human being if this were true… or a mentally ill comedian who secretly masturbates to my photos and blogs and listens to my podcast each week.  And that man’s name is Bob Hellener (an alias he chose because he is a universally hated and disrespected comedian).  But if you are a Bob Hellener fan, you can check out his recent Craig’s List ad where he asks for help to find a manager and/or agent (this is true and also a surefire sign of his self-proclaimed success in comedy).  So I guess with me blocking his e-mails and ignoring his pathetic trolling he has resorted to calling clubs to claim harm to try and hurt my career (you see Bob cannot work any clubs so he would never call them asking for work – just trying to harm the work of others).

The resolution of this story is that I had great sets all week and the club has made a decision to transition to a hotel (so I was told) from the condo in the future. But if I never work these clubs again (which is in their prerogative, but I hope that is not the case) the silver lining is that I have officially committed my first act of comedy martyrdom (that I know about).

As I said, the shows went well, but I was more struck by San Antonio.  On the plus side – the heat really is dry.  A 95 in San Antonio really is preferable to a humid NYC 81.  The city is diverse and the Emily Morgan hotel where I stayed was outstanding.  On the negative side, the city is covered in cellulite and tattoos.  Seriously 109% of the people under 45 have tattoos.  And there are even more tear tattoos than recorded homicides in Texas so some of those guys have to be liars (this is my plan if ever wrongly convicted for a crime – give me like 9 tattoo tears so I look badass in jail).  And people are fat and fatter.  I actually went late night to Whattaburger, which was quite tasty and said, “I need a plain hamburger, small fries and a small shake.”  The cashier said, “That’s $8.08, but if you order the medium fries and medium shake it is $8.00.” Now because I hate loose change (especially pennies) I said yes, but is it any wonder this city is so fat!?  I lose money if I eat less? By the way, here is a bit I did at the club following a trip to the Brazilian Steakhouse Fogo de Chao:

MONTREAL

But other things occurred in comedy this week besides me.  Colin Quinn delivered a widely hailed Keynote Address that I found great as well.  But it also irked me a little bit seeing everyone hail it, like no one has ever said this or that because now a guy who has fame says it is a breathtaking, refreshing and groundbreaking statement of what ails the comedy industry from all angles.  In fact someone eloquently pointed out almost all the things Quinn spoke of over a year ago here.

And Montreal was not all good news.  Andy Kindler, who was nice enough to praise my Louis CK parody video, had some harsh words for Adam Carolla in his annual State of the Industry speech (seriously – can I get lined up for this gig when Kindler retires – you basically roast the trends and previous year in comedy).  I thought it was an easy target because Carolla invites controversy with an outspoken style and also bucks the industry by running his own, hugely successful empire outside of the mainstream industry powers.  However, the article on Laughspin was so out of control with its biased editorializing against Carolla.  But this is what comedy is – a giant ass-kissing conformist industry pretending to be rebellious and trend-setting.  Carolla made the podcast format famous, which most comedians now employ as part of their media approach.  I don’t agree with a lot of his politics, but he is a strong and definitive comedic voice, which used to be a positive in comedy.

The lesson here is – if you are going to write harsh things about the comedy business it is better to be a headliner, a revered figure or a millionaire podcaster.  Otherwise you just end up as me – a guy with the same skills, same amount of stalkers and 1/1000th the money.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

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San Antonio Journal Part II – The Bad, The…

So San Antonio was interesting.  I’ve especially  enjoyed the t shirt stores.  One store had, among its t shirts in its front window, these three gems:

  • Texans Don’t Call 911
  • An Ahmed The Terrorist shirt (the dead terrorist puppet of Jeff Dunham, comedy icon)
  • “Occupy This” – a reflexive rejection of the Occupy Wall Street

Seeing this and then performing for 10 people on the first night Thursday had me feeling like this trip would be painful.  And I was sort of correct.  We probably averaged about 60 people per show (in a room that seats about 300 from the looks of it).  I sold exactly zero CDs and received only about 8 post show handshakes (my new measure of post show success).  I did not eat a free meal at the club because I could not bring myself to pay for only half off a $6 sandwich.  It felt like being nickel and dimed while getting kicked in the nuts.  (possible title of my new CD)

Back at the comedian condo, which for comedian condos was solid, other than the mold on the ceiling of the bathroom and the roach I snuffed out Friday evening.  The shower head was only about 5’11” so I felt extra troll-like in the bathroom.   But I did get a lot of good sleep, which in my history is a sure sign of deep depression.

In a form of protest I contributed nothing to the local economy.  I have eaten at only major chains (Starbucks every breakfast, Subway or Fuddruckers for lunch or dinner and on Saturday night – ate at Fogo de Chao by myself), and Denny’s late night, where I saw a guy who looked like he was there to commit mass murder – I do not know what happened because when I saw his angry, deranged face I ate my 44 pancakes quickly and left.  In other words, “If your mindset is ‘Occupy This’ then fu*k your mom and pop stores.”  And The Alamo is a joke.  Both the tourist attraction and the film with Dennis Quaid.

As a quick side bar – going to Fogo de Chao by yourself is an interesting experience.  It is an incredible all-you-can-eat Brazilians steakhouse and it is the real deal.  My tally from the meal:

  • 4 filet mignons
  • 4 orders of mashed potatoes
  • about 11 other cuts of meat
  • 1 salad (sorry)

Now when you go to Fogo de Chao it is usually a communal experience. Going solo takes some of the fun out of the experience, but it also gives the impression to employees and other patrons that you are either some mysterious, eccentric, lone-wolf, man of means (I left the New Balance sneakers at home to give my best shot at creating this impression), or a pathetic loser.  One of the things I noted about San Antonio is the large amount of military.  And sitting in Fogo De Chao I was as close to joining the marines as I have ever been.  At a table in the distance were a bunch of marine officers on dates.  Apparently values are a little different in Texas than in NYC.  Because these women were hot – and not in a prostitute/porn kind of way so prevalent in the South and Southwest.  And the dudes looked sharp as shit in the dress uniforms.  So apparently in Texas you can pull a hot chick if you sacrifice your life and look good in a suit.  In NY you pull a hot chick if you sacrifice the money of other people, suit optional.

Now I know this has seemed like a long tirade against San Antonio and comedy, but there was a positive side. The crowds were better comedy fans than I expected.  First off – holy diversity Batman – every crowd, except the first one, was very diverse.  Asians, Latinos, white and blacks in every crowd.  Last week I compared the crowds in Syracuse to a sugar cookie where one or two chocolate chips fell in by accident at the factory.  These crowds had what Cory Booker has described as “a delicious diversity.” (and we wonder why Mayor Booker has weight issues)

Secondly, the crowds were willing to check politics at the door in a fashion that I was not prepared for.  I successfully called Rick Perry a moron (specifically that he is in an MMA match with the English language and by suggesting he may skip debates Perry is effectively tapping out to words) and likened the Tea Party to a dying breed of mentally handicapped people with favorable reactions at 3 of 4 shows.  And the crowd that did not like it did the right thing – they said nothing.  Unlike previous cities that boo or cheer at the mere mention of Obama, even after I preface that my impression bit is not a political bit, Texans at least here seemed to let the joke go before judging.  Which makes them a good audience in my book.

But therein lies the dilemma – the people who went to comedy shows this weekend had better senses of humor than I expected (granted expectations were fairly low) and conducted themselves with excellent comedy club etiquette.  So what was the problem?  We only averaged about 60 people a show!  In summary San Antonio stand up fans have a good sense of how comedy works, which was surprising.  Of course there did not seem to be many stand up fans overall, which was not surprising.

Oh well, like my favorite basketball team the Utah Jazz, I cannot say I came out of San Antonio with a victory, a profit or hope at where my career is going, but I do leave with my dignity.  Oh wait I left that at home.

If you made it this far in the blog – here is some actual good news – Tuesday night at 9pm I am performing in the Boston Comedy Festival and Wednesday I am recording my new CD at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia.

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San Antonio Journal Part I – Chief, The Alamo…

Two smooth flights yesterday, so I did not have a repeat of the near-death experience from two weeks ago on the way to Indianapolis.  Flew to Atlanta from LaGuardia and ran through the airport OJ-style looking for a Chick Fil-A, but could not find the terminal in time before needing to get my connection to San Antonio.  I then found myself sitting right next to a young man, who based on his Mohican eyes and Native American necklace was definitely going to Harvard on a free ride.  He was six foot four and sitting right next to me.  So the two most physically awkward of the 180 passengers on the plane are forced to hip dry hump for two hours to Texas.

On a side note – whoever flew the plane from LaGuardia to Atlanta had the softest landing of all time in Atlanta.  This blog is often a bastion of hate (honest hate, but hate nonetheless) and I think it was important to point out a hero out there.  On the flip side the pilot to from Atlanta to Texas was named Jeff Davis (How did that name not go the way of Adolph – oh right because people in the South still think Jefferson Davis is a hero) and landed quite bumpily in San Antonio.

The comedian condo is located near The Alamo.  Not impressed.  I feel like 10 years ago I might have been able to just jump up and climb over the wall.  It seemed more like a taunt to the little people who were trying to take it.

At the show there were 10 people, all up front (a comedy friendly ratio of 8 women and two men).  Only one man felt free enough to laugh a lot so I probably directed 60% of my “skits” at him.  At the end of my half hour I observed the following break down of the group’s reaction:

  • 6 people clapping (probably an even split of 3 appreciative and 3 obligatory/reluctant)
  • 1 person smiling and doing nothing
  • 2 people staring with arms folded in protest
  • 1 person shaking her head disapprovingly

After my “comedy thing” I went looking for food in the shopping mall, but it was already 9pm so everyone was closing shop to prepare for the rapture, except for Chili’s and Hooters.  Now given the dismissive reaction I had just been given from over a half dozen women, Hooters would have been the logical, get even, degrade-my-enemy type move, but I went against my instinct and had a burger and fries at Chilis.  But on the televisions in Chilli’s was the show Revenge, so apparently women were not done ruining my night.  I observed 15 minutes of the show and I hope the creators of that show die alone.  Of course my anger took a turn for the weird when I was banging on the door of a closing Hooters screaming, “I cannot take our stupid, female driven pop culture – I want to degrade you with an 8% tip!!!!”

I slept about 11 hours last night (slightly interrupted because of an incredible loud cracking sound that keeps emanating from my window), which may sound like a good thing, but I have not slept that much since I was skipping classes, neck deep in depression, in law school. In other words – it is a great thing!!!!  That law school depression is what drove me to comedy.  Perhaps now I am being driven to find some other form of life that will offer temporary happiness and years of torment!  Def poetry slam runner up has a nice ring to it.