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Comedy Recap: Stalker, San Antonio and Montreal

San Antonio

I am writing this as quickly as I can from the San Antonio airport (which has fantastic free Wi-Fi) before I board my flight bound for JFK.  I have a busy three days until Thursday when I depart for the Cleveland Improv (hey 9-13 fans in the Cleveland area come to Thursday’s show to see me do a longer set!) so I am taking advantage of these final few minutes in Texas.  The second week in San Antonio got off to an inauspicious start, especially when “someone” called the club to complain about the blog.  According to a club employee, a “customer” called the club to say “I was going to come to the club, but then I read the blog by J-L Cauvin and will not be coming to your club.  I cannot believe you let him write things like that about your club.”  Now, on first glance this looks terrible – a customer complaining to a club about you is one of the worst things that can happen, especially if it is related to your behavior or actions and NOT your comedy.  However, with just a minimal amount of analysis I was able to break the code.

The caller was Bob Hellener (google the name, my blogs and a very unattractive picture should appear).  First it had to be someone who read my blog (it had around 150 hits according to Google analytics by the time the call was made).  It had less than 10 hits in Texas.  So what are the odds that one of these less than 10 people, PLANNING on attending the show, would go and read the blog of the FEATURE act, be offended by the description of the comedian apartment (nothing but compliments for the club in the blog) and refuse to attend the show because of that.  It would require a mentally ill human being if this were true… or a mentally ill comedian who secretly masturbates to my photos and blogs and listens to my podcast each week.  And that man’s name is Bob Hellener (an alias he chose because he is a universally hated and disrespected comedian).  But if you are a Bob Hellener fan, you can check out his recent Craig’s List ad where he asks for help to find a manager and/or agent (this is true and also a surefire sign of his self-proclaimed success in comedy).  So I guess with me blocking his e-mails and ignoring his pathetic trolling he has resorted to calling clubs to claim harm to try and hurt my career (you see Bob cannot work any clubs so he would never call them asking for work – just trying to harm the work of others).

The resolution of this story is that I had great sets all week and the club has made a decision to transition to a hotel (so I was told) from the condo in the future. But if I never work these clubs again (which is in their prerogative, but I hope that is not the case) the silver lining is that I have officially committed my first act of comedy martyrdom (that I know about).

As I said, the shows went well, but I was more struck by San Antonio.  On the plus side – the heat really is dry.  A 95 in San Antonio really is preferable to a humid NYC 81.  The city is diverse and the Emily Morgan hotel where I stayed was outstanding.  On the negative side, the city is covered in cellulite and tattoos.  Seriously 109% of the people under 45 have tattoos.  And there are even more tear tattoos than recorded homicides in Texas so some of those guys have to be liars (this is my plan if ever wrongly convicted for a crime – give me like 9 tattoo tears so I look badass in jail).  And people are fat and fatter.  I actually went late night to Whattaburger, which was quite tasty and said, “I need a plain hamburger, small fries and a small shake.”  The cashier said, “That’s $8.08, but if you order the medium fries and medium shake it is $8.00.” Now because I hate loose change (especially pennies) I said yes, but is it any wonder this city is so fat!?  I lose money if I eat less? By the way, here is a bit I did at the club following a trip to the Brazilian Steakhouse Fogo de Chao:

MONTREAL

But other things occurred in comedy this week besides me.  Colin Quinn delivered a widely hailed Keynote Address that I found great as well.  But it also irked me a little bit seeing everyone hail it, like no one has ever said this or that because now a guy who has fame says it is a breathtaking, refreshing and groundbreaking statement of what ails the comedy industry from all angles.  In fact someone eloquently pointed out almost all the things Quinn spoke of over a year ago here.

And Montreal was not all good news.  Andy Kindler, who was nice enough to praise my Louis CK parody video, had some harsh words for Adam Carolla in his annual State of the Industry speech (seriously – can I get lined up for this gig when Kindler retires – you basically roast the trends and previous year in comedy).  I thought it was an easy target because Carolla invites controversy with an outspoken style and also bucks the industry by running his own, hugely successful empire outside of the mainstream industry powers.  However, the article on Laughspin was so out of control with its biased editorializing against Carolla.  But this is what comedy is – a giant ass-kissing conformist industry pretending to be rebellious and trend-setting.  Carolla made the podcast format famous, which most comedians now employ as part of their media approach.  I don’t agree with a lot of his politics, but he is a strong and definitive comedic voice, which used to be a positive in comedy.

The lesson here is – if you are going to write harsh things about the comedy business it is better to be a headliner, a revered figure or a millionaire podcaster.  Otherwise you just end up as me – a guy with the same skills, same amount of stalkers and 1/1000th the money.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

Stand Up Comedy

Roaches vs. Man – My Alamo in the Comedy…

Week 2 of my San Antonio journey officially began yesterday as I moved from the outskirts of San Antonio into the heart of downtown to work at Rivercenter Comedy Club.  A quick breakdown of the two clubs – The LOL Club gets you free admission to the best movie theater in America (Alamo Drafthouse) and quick access to a Cheesecake Factory and a Chick Fil-A.  On the downside you are sort of isolated and the only gym you can workout at is Planet Fitness – a gym that bans jump rope and heavy weights, but does have tootsie rolls and pizza parties.  Now I am at the Rivercenter Comedy Club.  Pluses – near the Alamo, which could be defeated by an athletic high school basketball team (if the tall Dutch were attacking instead of miniature Mexicans it would have been taken faster – the thing is small and short), near a Fogo De Chao (a Brazilian steakhouse that serves unlimited filet mignon) and a free week pass to the Gold’s Gym.  There is a movie theater, but it is not free and not as good, though it is a solid AMC.  So at this point it is hard to draw an overall winner.  Each club has its strengths and weaknesses.  The tie breaker is simple:

LOL Club – comedians get a hotel.  At Rivercenter – comics get the condo.

Whenever a comedian gets booked on the road there are three possibilities: one is the club provides a hotel, the next is they provide a condo – an apartment the club owns or rents and have cleaned once a week for the incoming comedians (do yourself a favor and DO NOT bring a black light – better to live in ignorance) and the last is that the club provides nothing.  Shockingly the lack of any lodging is sometimes preferable to the condo.

The first time I performed at Rivercenter was in Fall 2011 and I did not see one bug the whole week.  So despite other comedians ripping on the condo I had no problem coming back to it.  And during the day I saw nothing.

I did the show that night and had a great set – excellent crowd.  Had fun chatting with the emcee George and the headliner Cory, who was my condo-mate (the headliner gets the room with the 14 inch tube television – BALLER).  However, as I walked back with Cory to the condo after the show he began telling me haunting stories about his last time at the club (which was Fall 2012 – so more recent and relevant) and the high quantity of roaches he saw throughout the apartment (to be fair there are a lot of combat traps and 2 bottles of Raid in the condo).  And like Beetlejuice or Candyman it was as if Cory summoned the evil spirits of roaches and waterbugs by saying their name because when I got back to the condo I saw a large roach climbing the side of my dresser. I promptly smashed it (#hero), but was now convinced/paranoid that the apartment was teeming with them.  I put all my stuff into my suitcase and sprayed every inch of the room with Raid.

We then went out where I decided a few beers might put my already tired ass into a coma so I could pass out without thinking about my new roommates.  We ended up going to this excellent place Mad Dog’s British pub, which featured outstanding karaoke hosts (they looked like an older Amy Poehler and Mya Rudolph performing a sketch about two older women hosting karaoke).  When Cory and I walked in we got great looks of “who ARE these guys” because Cory is short but very jacked and bears a little resemblance to Michael Vick, while I look like a back-up long snapper for an NFL team (hey we both made this fictional roster).  One of the karaoke highlights was one guy wearing a Roger Staubach jersey who did a phenomenal version of Cherry by Franki Valli and the Four Seasons.  The staff was hot, the crowd was fun and the hosts were great (singing, dancing and joking around – I guess women in their mid forties do have something to contribute after all!) and I started to relax.  After a thoroughly enjoyable couple of hours we left to go back to the condo.

We were talking in the kitchen area and I was starting to feel comfortable (all the lights on in the apartment) and then a roach just sauntered out towards me in the light of the kitchen.  This roach was like Blade – it was of the night, but could also walk in the light.  I then noticed one on the wall and Cory informed me that a stain on the floor was his handiwork earlier in the day (dead roach stain, not a Cory stain).  I promptly stepped on the one approaching me and declared “I’m out of here.” I felt like those brave souls at the Alamo that I was now so close to – outnumbered by aggressive, tiny, brown creatures.  I then booked a room at a nearby Doubletree for a surprisingly low rate (this blog is sponsored by hotels.com).  When I got to the Doubletree at 3 am the man at the desk looked at me and said “No offense, but you look deathly tired.  Here are a couple of cookies.”  And then I fell asleep in my beautiful room at the Doubletree.

Remember the Condo!

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

Blog

On The First Day of San Antonio, Comedy Gave…

With 12 days in San Antonio I thought I would model the blogs while I am here (assuming there are no pressing issues or injustices to discuss) on the 12 Days of Christmas (except I will probably only write 4-6 times while here, so it’s nothing like it really).  I had a jam packed day yesterday full of laughs and disappointment, but first a quick comment about the Boston Bomber on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine:

I don’t care.  I am not offended, nor am I wildly supportive of it.  Magazines do it all the time.

OK, enough of that.  I woke up at 4am for my 7 am Delta flight (NYC-ATL-SAT) because I take flights in the “comedian budget” price range, which usually means either something before farmers wake up or something with more connections than Kevin Bacon.  Now when I left my apartment at 445 am it was 82 and muggy. When I stepped out of the airport in San Antonio it was 80 and not humid.  I then allowed myself to feel positive about comedy for a second. Uh oh.

To kill time in the afternoon I ate Chick Fil-A (as a man trying to lose weight sticking me in a hotel surrounded by a Chick Fil-A and a Cheesecake Factory is cruel and unusual).  And yes I ate at Chick Fil-A.  They do not bar gays from eating there so they aren’t a Southern Woolworth’s counter from the 1960s and they are not state sponsored like Apartheid, so even though I don’t agree with the owner (is the next step to boycott any company whose CEO votes Republican?), I think almost all big business owners in America are scumbags in some way or another (I don’t believe there’s such a a thing as an honest billion dollars).  The employees are nice and the food is tasty.  But for my heart’s sake I won’t be going back this week.

I then went to (what should be the headline of this blog) the best movie theater in America to see Pacific Rim.  Here is why the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema is the best:

  • When I asked for my ticket to Pacific Rim (FREE for comedians) the woman asked me “It’s 3-D… is that OK?” EXACTLY – I appreciate her asking if 3- is ok, because too many people treat paying extra and wearing glasses as some privilege of cinema.  I like her stance that 3-D may not be everyone’s firs choice.
  • The theater kicks you out if you talk or text during the movie.
  • There is a FULL menu.  I am talking like a Cheesecake Factory-lite level menu.  Delicious food, milkshakes and movie snacks are available.  I got a popcorn, which was some of the best popcorn AND the largest popcorn I’ve ever had for $6.
  • The theater has a lounge (where I mapped out my set for the show) and a bar.

In other words – this theater is Heaven on Earth for me.  Seriously – my low key career goal is to own an golden retriever.  My high end goal is to make a ton of money and then retire and own/manage one of these theaters somewhere.

In less important news, Pacific Rim was not good.  The effects are absolutely tremendous, but the acting and writing ranges from high school play to porn.  But I ate like a king and my ticket was free so no big deal.  I have 4 more days and will be reviewing The Conjuring tomorrow (and possible RIPD also this weekend).  The only thing I won’t see there is Grown Ups 2.  No amount of pleasure can mask that pain.

So then it was show time (after a Subway dinner – BALLER!) I headlined the Wednesday show for about 30 people.  It went great, though one woman kept interrupting me.  After the show I sold one CD, and lost two sales because I do not have a credit card thingamajig on my cell phone.  I then took the $10 from the sale and bought myself a piece of $8 cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory on the way home as I warned the crowd I would during an epic 10 minute bit about my struggles with weight loss.  Here’s a clip from the show:

So that was all day 1!! What does the rest of this week have in store?  Check in Monday morning for the next update.

If you are bored for me check out my podcast this week – been getting rave reviews and a lot of listens – the bi-racial lawyer’s thoughts on George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin.  Enjoy – http://righteouspk.podomatic.com/entry/2013-07-15T19_37_08-07_00