San Antonio Journal Part II – The Bad, The…

So San Antonio was interesting.  I’ve especially  enjoyed the t shirt stores.  One store had, among its t shirts in its front window, these three gems:

• Texans Don’t Call 911
• An Ahmed The Terrorist shirt (the dead terrorist puppet of Jeff Dunham, comedy icon)
• “Occupy This” – a reflexive rejection of the Occupy Wall Street

Seeing this and then performing for 10 people on the first night Thursday had me feeling like this trip would be painful.  And I was sort of correct.  We probably averaged about 60 people per show (in a room that seats about 300 from the looks of it).  I sold exactly zero CDs and received only about 8 post show handshakes (my new measure of post show success).  I did not eat a free meal at the club because I could not bring myself to pay for only half off a $6 sandwich.  It felt like being nickel and dimed while getting kicked in the nuts.  (possible title of my new CD)

Back at the comedian condo, which for comedian condos was solid, other than the mold on the ceiling of the bathroom and the roach I snuffed out Friday evening.  The shower head was only about 5’11” so I felt extra troll-like in the bathroom.   But I did get a lot of good sleep, which in my history is a sure sign of deep depression.

In a form of protest I contributed nothing to the local economy.  I have eaten at only major chains (Starbucks every breakfast, Subway or Fuddruckers for lunch or dinner and on Saturday night – ate at Fogo de Chao by myself), and Denny’s late night, where I saw a guy who looked like he was there to commit mass murder – I do not know what happened because when I saw his angry, deranged face I ate my 44 pancakes quickly and left.  In other words, “If your mindset is ‘Occupy This’ then fu*k your mom and pop stores.”  And The Alamo is a joke.  Both the tourist attraction and the film with Dennis Quaid.

As a quick side bar – going to Fogo de Chao by yourself is an interesting experience.  It is an incredible all-you-can-eat Brazilians steakhouse and it is the real deal.  My tally from the meal:

• 4 filet mignons
• 4 orders of mashed potatoes
• about 11 other cuts of meat
• 1 salad (sorry)

Now when you go to Fogo de Chao it is usually a communal experience. Going solo takes some of the fun out of the experience, but it also gives the impression to employees and other patrons that you are either some mysterious, eccentric, lone-wolf, man of means (I left the New Balance sneakers at home to give my best shot at creating this impression), or a pathetic loser.  One of the things I noted about San Antonio is the large amount of military.  And sitting in Fogo De Chao I was as close to joining the marines as I have ever been.  At a table in the distance were a bunch of marine officers on dates.  Apparently values are a little different in Texas than in NYC.  Because these women were hot – and not in a prostitute/porn kind of way so prevalent in the South and Southwest.  And the dudes looked sharp as shit in the dress uniforms.  So apparently in Texas you can pull a hot chick if you sacrifice your life and look good in a suit.  In NY you pull a hot chick if you sacrifice the money of other people, suit optional.

Now I know this has seemed like a long tirade against San Antonio and comedy, but there was a positive side. The crowds were better comedy fans than I expected.  First off – holy diversity Batman – every crowd, except the first one, was very diverse.  Asians, Latinos, white and blacks in every crowd.  Last week I compared the crowds in Syracuse to a sugar cookie where one or two chocolate chips fell in by accident at the factory.  These crowds had what Cory Booker has described as “a delicious diversity.” (and we wonder why Mayor Booker has weight issues)

Secondly, the crowds were willing to check politics at the door in a fashion that I was not prepared for.  I successfully called Rick Perry a moron (specifically that he is in an MMA match with the English language and by suggesting he may skip debates Perry is effectively tapping out to words) and likened the Tea Party to a dying breed of mentally handicapped people with favorable reactions at 3 of 4 shows.  And the crowd that did not like it did the right thing – they said nothing.  Unlike previous cities that boo or cheer at the mere mention of Obama, even after I preface that my impression bit is not a political bit, Texans at least here seemed to let the joke go before judging.  Which makes them a good audience in my book.

But therein lies the dilemma – the people who went to comedy shows this weekend had better senses of humor than I expected (granted expectations were fairly low) and conducted themselves with excellent comedy club etiquette.  So what was the problem?  We only averaged about 60 people a show!  In summary San Antonio stand up fans have a good sense of how comedy works, which was surprising.  Of course there did not seem to be many stand up fans overall, which was not surprising.

Oh well, like my favorite basketball team the Utah Jazz, I cannot say I came out of San Antonio with a victory, a profit or hope at where my career is going, but I do leave with my dignity.  Oh wait I left that at home.

If you made it this far in the blog – here is some actual good news – Tuesday night at 9pm I am performing in the Boston Comedy Festival and Wednesday I am recording my new CD at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia.