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Friday Gripes #1 – Break The Glass Floor: We…

Inspired by a discussion I had last night with another comic I have decided to dedicate each Friday to an over-the-top diatribe on things that annoy me.  Other days will continue to be random thoughts when I think of them randomly.

I wanted to watch Pardon The Interruption yesterday evening on ESPN and instead was treated to Women’s softball.  Per a discussion last night at my show at River Bar, which went well (and by “well” I mean it was the comedic equivalent of dying alone on a hospital bed with no family and no friends, writhing in pain) I believe it is time for ESPN to just develop ESPNW – a sports network dedicated to women’s sports so that I am not rudely surprised when I turn on the television looking for sports and instead find women’s sports (and it would probably knock off at least 23 cents on my cable bill).  To make an analogy I have made several times before – turning on ESPN when looking for sports and finding women’s sports is like finding an episode of Real Sex on HBO and instead of it being a segment on nymphomaniac, attractive female strippers, it is about a nudist colony for chubby people over the age of 70.  Disturbing and disappointing.

ESPNW

Now I am all for women and women’s equality.  I was raised in a household led by a strong woman (if she were black she would have been a “strong, black woman,” but I don’t think the phrase “strong, white woman” is a actual acceptable phrase outside of police descriptions.  I enjoy the company of women, both in relationships and naked on the Internet.  But equality can only go so far.  It is time to get women’s sports off of my television.  Now sports like gymnastics (the closest a young girl can ever come to experiencing the life of an abused altar boy) and figure skating make sense being televised because there is a different capacity than men in those sports.  They offer unique skills and outfits, except for the case of Johnny Weir.  But any other sport – golf, basketball, softball/baseball, soccer, tennis, running, speed walking, push ups, jumping jacks, etc. are just better done by men.

This is not a shot against Title IX – I think parents of girls should have just as much chance as parents of boys to not have to pay for their kids’ college education if they can play sports, but at some point it is time to say – welcome to the real world.  The same way I think it is important for strangers not to pretend to be impressed by every toddler they run into, just because that toddler’s parents are going “Can you say hello to the man?” and the kid mumbles something, so to is it important to not pretend that women’s professional sports have some intrinsic value.  In both cases you are merely deluding the other party.  It would be like if there were a television station dedicated to The Godfather films (even 3), but every 6 days they flood the station with The Last Don – CBS’ terrible original movie (also based on a Mario Puzo novel) starring Danny Aiello.

My Mom once said to me, when I was complaining about the WNBA, “If you had a daughter, wouldn’t you want them to be able to watch other women playing basketball really well?”  And I thought about it and realized I was not Chinese and could not offer her to sterile, white Americans for cheap so I said “yes.” But I’d really prefer them to want to watch the NBA because it is 1000 times better and I would not have to cringe for 2 hours watching a bunch of women my height executing the fundamentals of the game at 1/3 the natural speed.

The truth is all televised sports are just vehicles for advertisers and corporate America to reach consumers, and I am not saying women’s pro sports should not exist.  That is what YouTube is for – like those underground MMA fighters.  They can still compete, but I just don’t want it interrupting real sports and real sports news. 

Next Friday – RIP messages on Facebook & Twitter

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Adam Lambert vs. Kris Allen or as Don King…

Last night America added insult to widowery when they voted off the soulful sound of recent widower Dany Gokey.  On pure talent the finals should have been Dany Gokey versus Adam Lambert.  But like many elections, especially those involving reality shows, women flex their pop culture suffrage in greater numbers than men and Gokey could not measure up.  See, Adam Lambert is the talented gay friend that every girl, not from the Bible belt (and maybe secretly in the Bible belt – “Daddy, it ain’t a sin if I just watch him sing his songs!”) wants (think Sex and the City or Rupert Everett) .

Option 1 for ladies - Shopping and Endless Compliments from Adam Lambert
Option 1 for ladies - Shopping and Endless Compliments from Adam Lambert

Kris Allen is the cute boy next door that will sing a girl an acoustic song on a beach somewhere (think Owen Wilson’s take on Hutch in Starsky and Hutch). 

Otion 2 - Kris Allen - Remember The Time I sang to you you ungrateful bit*h!  Why don't you have sex with your best friend - oh that's right - he doesn't want to.
Option 2 - Kris Allen - Remember The Time I sang to you you ungrateful bit*h! Why don't you have sex with your best friend - oh that's right - he doesn't want to.

But what category did Dany Gokey bring to the table – soulful white man on the worst rebound imaginable (think Michael Bolton or C. Thomas Howell for the 20 years in between Soul Man and Southland).  So the women have spoken and they now have to choose between The Birdcage and The Notebook.

It's not going to get any easier Dany.
It's not going to get any easier Dany.

On pure talent, Adam Lambert should run away with it.  His voice is so powerful he basically sounds like he is showing off every time he sings.  Although I think the judges are now under some hypnotic Prince-like spell with Adam where they are incapableof criticizing him, his performances of Mad World and Satisfaction this season have been the two best performances of the season.  But things that are not in his control could hurt him (Katy Perry wearing an “Adam Lambert cape before her performance?).   Sidenote: my tweets during the show got Katy Perry to follow me on Twitter.

But Kris Allen emerged as a contender with his first performance in the Top 13 when he did a great version of Do You Remember The Time by Michael Jackson.   Since then he has been the competition’s John Mayer (minus strange tattoos and complete douche-bagginess) on “Your Body Is A Wonderland” overdrive, with ooooo-ing and ahhh-ing at his awww shucks charm (which does seem genuine).   Two things may hurt him.  One is that he does not have the pure talent and showmanship of Lambert and two is that he is from what I have heard is that he is a married Christian, which will lose him the vote of physicists and alternative NYC comedians.

So who will win?  It should be Lambert and I think it will be.   If he does win I hope his album is some sort of melding of Sebastian Bach and Freddie Mercury and not some trite pop, which would not really fit him anyway. 

My two funniest moments from last night’s show:

  1. A female fan in San Diego rushing Adam Lambert while removing her shirt – either she was from a Bible-based re-orientation program or she got some very bad information.
  2. The Real Sex moment.  Seeing Jordin Sparks looking quite nice singing her song and then flashingback to Adam and Kris was the equivalent of Real Sex on HBO when one minute it is the “Female Porn Stars HavingLesbian Encounters” segment followed quickly and inappropriately by “Old Men Masturbating” segment.  Not cool American Idol.