A-Rod vs. Wolverine: PEDs, America’s Children and the Specter…

Several years ago, during one of our bi-annual, soul-searching discussions of performance enhancing drugs in baseball and their influence on children I wrote this blog about the obvious usage of performance enhancing drugs among hip hop stars.  Around a year later, big revelations abounded about hip hop stars using substances that were banned among professional athletes.  Of course one friend of mine commented on my small bit of muckraking blogging, but no one else noticed (or cared, or remembered, take your pick).  But now, amidst another attempt of baseball to purge itself of the scourge of PED, baseball is going after big names like former NL MVP Ryan Braun and Alex Rodriguez (I assume at this point Bud Selig will attempt to crucify Alex Rodriguez or burn him at the stake – like or hate A-Rod but baseball is probably sad they never got Barry Bonds and now they want A-Rod to pay for both his and Bonds’ sins.  He is an easy target of derision, but that still does not justify a potential lifetime ban from the sport).  What baseball fails to realize is that this sport is dying.  It represents all the things that are either wrong with our culture or stands in opposition to more popular trends.

Teams like the NY Yankees and Los Angeles Angels represent financial recklessness without consequences as they continue to barely compete with absurd payrolls presenting a joyless experience to all but their most hardened fans, while increasing an already cynical view of the sport amongst many smaller market teams (A/K/A the small businesses that both politicians and MLB pretend to care about).  Also, the sport is long and tedious in a culture that has shorter attention spans and increasingly enjoys the instant force and gratification of MMA and NFL.

But yet we keep pursuing “cheats” in baseball, as if it will correct the impurities of the past, like 1998 or 2003 when people actually cared about baseball.  Why?  Because the players were on all sorts of drugs which made a boring sport exciting.  The best Summer of baseball in my lifetime is still the McGwire-Sosa chase in 1998.  Nothing else has compared since.  But the argument has always been about kids.  Like if teens find out their favorite athlete got big and successful from PED then they will take them too and potentially harm themselves.  The problem with this is that baseball is not as popular as it once was.  Instead, if you want to worry about kids and PED, perhaps policing Hollywood and bringing guys like The Rock and Hugh Jackman in front of Congress would be better.


Anyone who has seen a recent The Rock movie or especially Jackman’s homage to veins, The Wolverine, knows that these guys, both in their forties (which Science has always said is when men peak athletically and physically, right?), are not just eating raw eggs and steak.  In fact in interviews, Jackman credits The Rock  for his diet and exercise plan, maybe making The Rock the Jose Canseco to Jackman’s McGwire (calories – check, exercise – check, syringe and creams – check).  The point of this is that these guys, just like hip hop stars, are selling their bodies as engines of wealth and fame and sex and yet they are not subject to the scrutiny of athletes, who at least are actually using their bodies for actual healthy activity and achievement, not just the impression of it.  And now, more than ever, in the midst of a vain, superficial and nerd-obsessed culture with more Comic-Con attendees and theater arts majors than ever before, we owe it to our society to stop guys like The Rock and Hugh Jackman from endangering our youth and our society.  Here are just a few of the potentially devastating effects on our youth and culture from their example, all of which far exceed the influence of modern baseball players:

1) Nerds have taken over.  Do we really want buff nerds?  Imagine if that kid that cannot stop seriously debating comic books and dungeons and dragons could bench press 400 lbs.  He never had the stomach for heavy bouts of exercise and could not choke down protein shakes because of his lactose intolerance, but now thanks to Wolverine he can do it!

2) Kids do not want to be baseball players. They want to major in dramatic arts and go to Comic Cons.  Perhaps 15 years ago sports were the main form of youth entertainment, but now kids dress up for movies, go to conventions and major in theater (even if they like comic book science they would rather pretend to be a comic book character that knows science than actually major in a Science).  So now, any theater geek not doing PEDs to fit in or stand out within the gay community will be roiding it up just for a chance to be in the next action movie.

3) Seriously, just Google some recent images of Hugh Jackman and The Rock, then Google “Sammy Sosa – new skin”.  Apparently if you do the stuff that Hugh Jackman does, your veins will be nominated for Golden Globes. You do that ancient stuff baseball players do you turn into a Wayans Brother in White Girls.

So unlike baseball PED scandals, which only had the potential to endanger some youth, the Hollywood PED usage has the chance to make life worse for all Americans.  Save our children and save us from the nerds.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!


The Role of Mark Teixera Will Be Played by…

Monday’s blog was such a comprehensive diatribe on the pitfalls and borderline corruption permeating stand up comedy that today I am happy to take a break from long-windedness.  In today’s post I am sharing a video that my buddy, sometimes road companion and baseball fan Joe Pontillo made. I play Mark Teixera, who I don’t really resemble, but the keys to the part were that the person be equal parts apathetic and mean.  When my agent got the call for the role I asked how much it paid and after some very tense negotiations I agreed to a one-way train ticket to Valley Stream on the Long Island RR.  Not to brag about my acting ability, but in the sketch (which is for comedy fans who like baseball) I am actually wearing a Robinson Cano jersey, but because of my Meisner technique I was able to channel the spirit of Mark Teixera and make the audience forget I was in a Cano jersey.  Also, one last note, realizing that Teixera has a horse’s mouth I borrowed a comedy technique Jim Carrey utilized to play Vera De Milo on In Living Color in the 1990s, known as the “horse laugh.”  I hope you enjoy the sketch and the finely honed instrument that is my acting craft.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!


Can Skin Color Be An “Image Problem?” The NFL…

Yesterday on there was a poll asking, “which sports league is has the most damaged image?”  The poll results of over 60,000 respondents were as follows:

  • NHL (hockey) – 2%
  • MLB (baseball) – 6%
  • NBA (basketball) – 33%
  • NFL (football) – 60%

Now I agree that football must be number one, but the 33% that selected the NBA make me curious, especially when compared to the 6% that thought baseball had the worst image.  Baseball is of course the sport that has been/is rife with drug abuse and performance enhancement that prompted congressional hearings.  But perhaps people just don’t care that much anymore, but having your entire league called dirty would seem to be pretty damaging.  And it cannot hurt when 90% of your league is Latino and White (a/k/a not black).

Hockey can be dismissed as statistically insignificant since the only people who picked it had to have been hocky-only fans or people just goofing around.

That leaves the NFL and the NBA accounting for 93% of the image problems.  The NBA has had its image problems, but only two incidents stick out in the last decade – the Kobe Bryant rape allegations and the melee in Detroit a few years ago.  Both bad, but the Bryant allegations stemmed from a willing sexual partner, who went to his room and then alleged unwanted forms of sex.  If true, then Bryant is still a rapist, but there is a boatload of reasonable doubt there.  As for the melee in Detroit, Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson are batsh*t crazy, but they were assaulted first (via soda cup).  And who can forget Jermain O’Neal’s sliding punch during that melee – it would have made Jackie Chan proud!

But that is really all that has made headlines for the NBA recently.  Sure 10 years ago there was the “Who’s My Daddy?” story in the NBA about paternity issues and that still is a major issue, but is it more prevalent than the NFL?  Other stories from the NBA recently have been aboutgreat superstars playing great basketball.  Allen Iverson struggling with alcohol addiction would probably seem sadder if did not look like people’s image of a gangbanger.

Now I am writing this not about the 40,000 people that answered that football was having the biggest image problem, but the 20,000 random visitors who picked the NBA.  How can you pick the NBA as having a worse image than the NFL (and with the recency effect I would expect these numbers are actually higher, given that the NFL has the more recent scandals, than they would be if the timing were equal)?  Here’s some “evidence”:

Who’s My Daddy

The reigning king of paternity is Travis Henry with 9 kids by 9 women by the age of 28. The New York Jets new cornerback  Antonio Cromartie had to get an advance on his salary to handle several alimony payments.  Even if the leagues have identical problems, the NFL’s have made the more recent headlines.  And while we are here, Tom Brady seemed to avoid any scrutiny for knocking up his girlfriend and then leaving her for a model.  I guess it’s cool if you are Tom Brady. Perhaps because Tom Brady is a ladies’ man.  If he were Donovan McNabb he might be “shirking his responsibilities.” Or maybe not, but that is just one case. Let’s continue looking at the total body of information.

Rape & Pillage

Ben Roethlisberger has turned out to be a possible serial rapist.  Even if he and Kobe did nothing wrong – what is more lacking in character from comparable stars – consensual sex in your room that goes too far, or banging drunk girls in bars while your bodyguards prevent the girl’s friends from entering?  You’re right – being black. (I am not defending Kobe, obviously).

Murder Was The Case That They Gave The NFL

Murderers – Ray Lewis, Rae Carruth, Donte Stallworth (this season) – one alleged, two convicted – all NFL.  And on a related, but lesser note – Dog killing – Michael Vick, the ASPCA’s Hitler.  I don’t think it is the same level as the things above, but let’s not pretend that it did not tarnish his image and the NFL’s a little.

Male Enhancement

Performance enhancing drugs – I only know that Rashard Lewis was suspended for an over the counter (allegedly) substance.  There have been a lot more Shawne Merrimans and Bill Romanowskis in the NFL.

Two Tickets To The Gun Show

Pac Man Jones – punches strippers in the face – his entourage paralyzes a bouncer at a club with a stray bullet – he is the poster boy for bad character in sports.  Marvin Harrison – gun incident.  The worst the NBA has had – Gilbert Arenas – who turned out to be the worst practical joker (or the best if you think like me).

So the NFL has the NBA trumped on felonies, paternity superstars, animal abuse and performance enhancement drugs, so the question is, what does the NBA have that the NFL doesn’t:

A higher percentage of black men. And those black men have lots of visible tattoos.  In the NFL the only black divas are the wide receivers, but in the NBA they are all divas, except for the occasional smart, hard working, scrappy white guys.

Give me a break.

Isn’t it clear that the 33% are either stupid or prejudiced?  This is the response I got on Facebook to that question:

So wait, nothing even resembling a majority number in a bullsh*t poll is supposed to make a statement about what people think about black people?
Travis Henry? Sheee-it Shawn Kemp invented that shit.
As far as I know, Ben Roethlisberger’s accusers aren’t fairing too well…and lastly, I actually happen to agree that football players in …
See MoreAmerica in a lot of cases are frakking animals (whte or black) and most hoopsters aren’t…buuuut football is a sport that has a much stronger team identity of hardworking guys who get paid SUBSTANTIALLY less than their NBA primadonna counterparts. This stix in the craw of the white people who might-MIGHT be responsible for this socalled 33%
Now I agree that the poll has no scientific merit, but I have no reason to believe that it is not an accurate snapshot of the average sports fan in America.  But the person who commentedhas always commented whenever  have made disparaging anti-Republican/Joe Lieberman comments so I am guessing his political leanings are to the right, even if not far right.  And this is instructive – look at the immediatetly defensive tone as if I was calling him out.  Some quick counters:
  • So if racism is not in a majority it is not worth calling out?
  • All People? – no just the 20,000+ average sports fans who see the NBA as a bigger image fu*k up than the NFL
  • “Hardworking team identity” – sounds like Hilary Clinton appealing to the Western PA voters in the 2008 primary
Now I am not casting any aspersions on the commenter, but I do feel the language of the debate is telling (after all he eventually agrees with part of my point that the NFL is worse than the NBA). And I understand not wanting race to be infused where it does not belong because it is such an inflammatory topic, but sometimes it has to be. For every Tawana Brawley there’s a Rodney King; for every Duke Lacrosse Team, there’s the four cops who shot Amadou Diallo.  Just because racism is damaging and touchy does not mean that it can’t be easy to see sometimes.
I honestly believe there is no way to say that the NBA has a bigger image problem than the NFL without being prejudiced or stupid.  Image is made by headlines and superstars.  The NBA has almost all black superstars.  The NFL has several white superstars and they are basically the front men for the band that is the NFL (Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brett Favre).  Now the negative headlines are overwhelmingly with the NFL, but the well known white faces are overwhelmingly with the NFL as well (sorry Dirk Nowtizki and Steve Nash).  And apparently for 33% of sports fans (I’m willing to make that extrapolation, even though the poll does not probably reach more low income, non-computer having sports fans) the faces trump the crimes.
And if you asked me, is 33% of America at least a little racist, I’d probably answer yes, so the poll only shocked me because I thought sports fans would see beyond that in greater numbers.  But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised – after all I sat next to a white  guy at a Steeler game last year who called an opposing team’s player a Nig*ger, all while wearing the jersey of a nig*er named Santonio Holmes.  I’d hate to see that guy at a basketball game, but I’m pretty sure how he would answer that ESPN poll.