The GOP Primary Is The Real Last Comic Standing

This month Last Comic Standing will begin another season on NBC, giving 100 comedians a chance to gain wider exposure for their comedy and, for some of them, increase their bookings and earning power.  It will feature men and women of different backgrounds and orientations and eventually a gay comedian will be named the winner (last year I correctly predicted before the season began that a black man would win. This year, given the political and social climate, as well as the fact that there has never been a gay winner of Last Comic Standing – and producers, not audience pick the winner, I am confident a gay person will win), But at the end of the day that is only a comedy contest on television and will have little impact on most of our lives, except perhaps for struggling feature comics who will be bumped down the list at clubs in favor of 3 year veterans with 11 minutes of material – BUT I DIGRESSS.  The more meaningful and almost certainly more hilarious reality competition show that has already started is the Republican Party’s nomination for president process.  They are up to 14 nominees and by the end of the Summer they may be close to the 100 of Last Comic Standing.  And much like LCS, the large Republican field has a diverse array of gender (well, 1 woman), races, sexual orientations (I see you Lindsey Graham) and body types (the angry Louie Anderson/Bobby Bacala himself Chris Christie).  So if you can handle more than one reality comedy competition here’s your LCS style breakdown of the Republican field:

Donald Trump – the only candidate that could cross over and win both the bigoted, insane base of the Republican party AND make the finals of Last Comic Standing, as long as they believed he was an alt-comic character (i.e. hiding his general lack of comedy writing behind one long, uncomfortable note of “a character”)

Carly Fiorina – a woman who failed as CEO of Hewlett Packard… in other words proof that women can ruin businesses just as well as men. And I am sure she is hilarious because women have been and always will be as funny as men, if not funnier.

Ben Carson – a doctor with an inspiring life story who also believes Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to America since slavery.  Here is where Republicans and the comedy industry blend perfectly – both love black men who believe that racism is a thing of the past and would rather spin tales to make white people completely comfortable

Rand Paul – also a doctor, but being an eye doctor next to Ben Carson’s pediatric neurosurgeon, he might as well be a podiatrist and not even mention it.  He would be the type of comic that fans would love until they saw him pandering with safer, time-worn jokes to win over the tepid NBC/rabid GOP crowd.

Chris Christie – might do better on LCS because fat comics have always been more welcomed than fat politicians.  H will “tell it like it is” which would serve him well for a while on LCS until people realize he is not that funny. Just full of bluster and trans fats.

Marco Rubio – would go far in Last Comic Stading because Latino = good diversity and then, much like his presidential campaign and most Latin comics, people would realize that he is not interesting (not funny) and should get the equivalent of a John Leguizamo one man show – a stint on Fox News.

Jeb Bush – famous name is good for ratings, good experience and from a key state full of funny stories, Jeb Bush would go far on LCS.

Bobby Jindal – also very trump like ability to do better on LCS than the GOP nominating process.  He practically looks and sounds like a Jeff Dunham puppet. Ultra religious conservative Indian American Rhodes Scholar with a southern accent. Jeff Dunham’s next closer.

Ted Cruz – Recently posted a video of himself doing impressions of Simpsons characters.  It was the least funny thing in the history of the Internet. But he is Canadian and Latin and unattractive and those are all things that tend to do well in comedy, regardless of actual funniness so don’t bet against Cruz crushing it on LCS.

Rick Santorum – that comic that has made the semi-finals a few times but never goes on. Boring, but still gets to headline all the Comedy Zone clubs.

Lindsey Graham – If this were Last Comic Standing, Grahams’genteel nature, southern accent and confirmed bachelor status would put him right at the top of my list for potential winners, but as for the GOP nomination, it doesn’t matter how many brown people he is willing to bomb, without a wife and kids he has no chance.

Mike Huckabee – the guy who used to charm with some jokes and speaking to some of the more compassionate angles of Christianity, he has reverted back to being fat and more sarcastically hateful with his rhetoric.  So even if LCS wouldn’t work out, he might land a spot with Anthony Cumia on a podcast.

George Pataki – the veteran who missed his chance but will still get to compete.  He is tall, has good experience and is moderate by the modern GOP’s inquisition-level of tolerance in 2015. But alas, he is boring. Perhaps if he hits himself in the head with the mic, pretending it is a penis, during either a debate or an LCS performance, he might move on

Rick Perry – although Ben Carson is the only black nominee, Perry did vacation at Nig*erhead Ranch so he might be able to rally Black Twitter to support him, as long as they don’t see that he actually looks like a dusty Josh Brolin.  Still could do well in LCS if he remembers all three part of the rule of 3.

(and about to become 15) Scott Walker – Midwestern, white, solid experience, trashes gays and unions – would have been a top choice for LCS for the first 5 years, but is clearly the front runner for the GOP in 2015.

So I am thinking that a  gay comic wins Last Comic Standing, but that a gay-bashing Midwesterner wins the GOP nomination.  But all of them are really just in this to up their speaking fees and lobby for appearances/shows on Fox News  (the Sarah Palin plan).  It is the same thing the real comedians will be doing on Last Comic Standing, except there is no danger there since none of the comics will have a 50/50 chance of running the country.

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