Now I Know Why People Hate The Oscars

It is no secret that I love movies.  I actually saw Fired Up this weekend because I love the movies and movie-going experience so much.  And America does too.  How else can you explain Friday the 13th pulling in $48 million in its opening weekend, or even more inexplicably, Madea Goes To Jail, grossing $41.1 million this weekend (kudos to Tyler Perry though – if I had his marketing skills I’d be much bigger in comedy than I am).

And I have always loved the Oscars.  Not for the glitz, but just because it was another night of movies and movie clips, etc.  But last night’s awards show exemplified every thing that people who hate the Oscars have told me in the past.

First off I did not mind High Jackman as host at all, except for the annoying routine headlined by him, Beyonce and those future rehab cases from High School Musical.

Oh wait – maybe I should start with the Barbara Walters special – holy sh*t do the Jonas Brothers suck!  I mean I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, but they really suck, even by the minimalist standards of pop music.

Back to the Oscars.  Here are some of the awful highlights:

My biggest issue with the Oscars (besides just two wins for The Dark Knight) was Sean Penn’s win over Mickey Rourke.  I thought Milk was the best movie nominated and that Sean Penn deserved the nomination, but Rourke’s performance (and The Wrestler as a film) was so personal and moving that he was absolutely the clear choice.  Clearly Hollywood, in the glow of Obama’s victory felt like, hey it’s been a while since we had a political acceptance speech.  I think we’re ready again.  Cue Sean Penn, who always looks like he is in pain, probably because he is so tortured and such an involved actor.  But if anybody saw Robin Wright Penn last night – what could possibly be painful for Sean?

Someone told me this and now I finally agree – Sarah Jessica Parker looks like Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister. 

Slumdog Millionaire won eight awards.  I thought this was a very nice film, but 8 awards places it in the company of Amadeus and Amadeus it ain’t.  Not by any stretch.  And someone told me that the female lead of Slumdog recently left her husband.  See, chicks can be douchebags too.

Kate Winslet should not have won Best Actress.  Meryl Streep should have won, gotten on stage and said, “Sorry Kate, you can get Oscar when I’m dead bitch!”

The biggest vomit-inducing addition to the Oscars were the personal introductions by former winners.  Except for Robert DeNiro’s intro for Sean Penn, which seemed genuine because he actually knows Sean Penn well, they were all so obviously fake and just an ego booster for a group of people with already over-sized egos.  My personal highlights of these were:

• Alan Arkin calling Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Seymour Phillip Hoffman
• Kate Winslet’s incredibly bullsh*t “thank you so much/oh my God” faces for her introduction – Winslet reminds me of what DiCaprio said to Cate Blanchett in The Aviator: “Look at me Kate.  Stop acting.  Do you even know anymore?”
• Angelina Jolie’s reaction – see Kate Winslet.
• Brad Pitt’s thank you with hands clasped together, almost like prayer, and then pointing with them.  This is a signature douchebag move.

The only moments I truly enjoyed were the acceptance speech of the Milk screenwriter and Jack Black saying – I make movies with Dreamworks and then bet my entire paycheck on Pixar at the Oscars.

What an awful show.  At least Eastbound and Down did not disappoint on HBO.