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San Antonio Recap – Week 1

A fun week is in the books in San Antonio, but it was not without its ups and downs.  The lineup consisted of a clean, Christian, 47 year old Mom of three headliner (the shows were billed as “clean” so I said no curses all week, though I did say “cockblock” in three of my seven sets), a 54 year old male father of three emcee who was getting back into the comedy game and a 34 year old comedic genius featuring.  It felt like Major League, with the emcee as Lou Brown, the headliner was Harris – the Christian pitcher at odds with Cerano, and myself as Rick Vaughn minus the invigorating entrance music or the groupies.  So the shows were an interesting mix – here are some other interesting tidbits related to the shows.

1. Clean comedy audiences do not buy merchandise like regular audiences.  Jews and Blacks – time to welcome a new group into the cheap stereotype fold – Evangelical comedy fans.  I sold a ton of CDs last time I was at this club (LOL Club), but this week it was like I was passing around a 3rd collection plate at Church.  I also lost one sale because of my parental guidance sticker on the album cover.  She asked me if the CD had “D’s” or “F’s”  and I said it has a few “F’s” but look out for my new alum this Fall which will have some “C’s”.

2. Attached women are devious at comedy clubs.  A lot of clubs have bars within their property, but not in the showroom.  I had a woman come up to me drunk at the Sunday show during the headliner’s set while I was sitting at the bar, which often happens, and say great set and then flirt a little bit and go back inside.  She then did the common thing in these circumstances – she went back in and emerged at the end of the show with her boyfriend or husband and said nothing as they left (e.g. “good show”, “you were funny,” “thanks for the quickie in the bathroom”) – nothing!  Comedy club attendees of the world – don’t trust your chicks if they take too long at the bathroom at the comedy club!  Though, I must admit this is still preferable for me to the chick that is inappropriately huggy (hand on chest of comedian versus a more neutral hand on arm or shoulder as an example) or flirty in front of their man after the show.  I often think, “Don’t get me mixed up in your husband’s future murder-suicide of you! I don’t want to be on his hit list when he realizes you are a skank!”

3. The manager of the club is a nice guy named Jeff.  Very pleasant to talk to and to work with.  One problem – he is a soft spoken British man and he has the worst hype game of all time.  When he gets the crowd pumped up for the emcee it sounds like a shy butler from Downton Abbey asking if anyone wants more tea.

4. A young woman gave me a weird look when I referenced The Godfather in my set – 2nd time in two weeks – now this was not to the joke, which was admittedly obscure – it was when I explained it to laughs and the chicks still looked at me like “How the fack would I know what the fack The Godfather is?”  I am not asking young women (and especially attractive women who in America are often so uninformed because the market of partners does not require them to know or think anything – still waiting to meet a hot woman under 35 with a subscription to a newspaper  – print or digital – I am not sure she exists any more) to quote The Godfather, but recognize that if I reference that movie I am referencing a cultural touchstone and not some obscure flick.  You don’t have to know quotes from Charles Dickens, but you should not look at me weirdly when I say Charles Dickens and go “Who???”

5. Last, but not least I did very well.  Here is a clean 30 minute set of mine from one of the shows if you are bored, have time or know anyone at Comedy Central:

Rounding out the usual road news I also saw three movies (for free MOM) this weekend so here are the quick reviews:

The Conjuring – excellent.  real throwback to well acted, occult terror of 1970s horror movies.

Pacific Rim – amazing effects – too much bad acting.  still worth the visuals.

RIPD – Ryan Reynolds is now down to his last 6 chances to succeed in Hollywood.  Funny Jeff Bridges, bad effects, lazy movie and the worst performance of Kevin Bacon’s career.

So now I have a big week ahead of me.  Here is a preview of what is to come in JLComedy world

  • The launch of Comedian Esquire – a new Facebook page, twitter account and section of my website dedicated to legal humor and booking law school gigs.  In case you did not know I quit Comedians at Law a while ago, so please do not associate me with them any longer.  You want funny humor with legal knowledge look no further than me.
  • Scared Straight: New Comedians Edition – the JLC video of the month goes up Tuesday – it is AWESOME
  • The Dog Yoga episode of the Righteous Prick Podcast goes up Tuesday also.  Coming off the big week of downloads for my Trayvon Martin-George Zimmerman analysis I am back to debate and humor discussing and dissecting a woman who runs a successful dog yoga practice in Florida.  Another win for the state of Florida!
  • And before the end of the month my criminal law-comedy web series with Investigation Discovery “Dumb Criminals” launches.

And if you are one of my 10 fans in Texas or know someone near San Antonio, remind them that I am at the Rivercenter Comedy Club this week from Wednesday to Sunday.

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On The First Day of San Antonio, Comedy Gave…

With 12 days in San Antonio I thought I would model the blogs while I am here (assuming there are no pressing issues or injustices to discuss) on the 12 Days of Christmas (except I will probably only write 4-6 times while here, so it’s nothing like it really).  I had a jam packed day yesterday full of laughs and disappointment, but first a quick comment about the Boston Bomber on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine:

I don’t care.  I am not offended, nor am I wildly supportive of it.  Magazines do it all the time.

OK, enough of that.  I woke up at 4am for my 7 am Delta flight (NYC-ATL-SAT) because I take flights in the “comedian budget” price range, which usually means either something before farmers wake up or something with more connections than Kevin Bacon.  Now when I left my apartment at 445 am it was 82 and muggy. When I stepped out of the airport in San Antonio it was 80 and not humid.  I then allowed myself to feel positive about comedy for a second. Uh oh.

To kill time in the afternoon I ate Chick Fil-A (as a man trying to lose weight sticking me in a hotel surrounded by a Chick Fil-A and a Cheesecake Factory is cruel and unusual).  And yes I ate at Chick Fil-A.  They do not bar gays from eating there so they aren’t a Southern Woolworth’s counter from the 1960s and they are not state sponsored like Apartheid, so even though I don’t agree with the owner (is the next step to boycott any company whose CEO votes Republican?), I think almost all big business owners in America are scumbags in some way or another (I don’t believe there’s such a a thing as an honest billion dollars).  The employees are nice and the food is tasty.  But for my heart’s sake I won’t be going back this week.

I then went to (what should be the headline of this blog) the best movie theater in America to see Pacific Rim.  Here is why the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema is the best:

  • When I asked for my ticket to Pacific Rim (FREE for comedians) the woman asked me “It’s 3-D… is that OK?” EXACTLY – I appreciate her asking if 3- is ok, because too many people treat paying extra and wearing glasses as some privilege of cinema.  I like her stance that 3-D may not be everyone’s firs choice.
  • The theater kicks you out if you talk or text during the movie.
  • There is a FULL menu.  I am talking like a Cheesecake Factory-lite level menu.  Delicious food, milkshakes and movie snacks are available.  I got a popcorn, which was some of the best popcorn AND the largest popcorn I’ve ever had for $6.
  • The theater has a lounge (where I mapped out my set for the show) and a bar.

In other words – this theater is Heaven on Earth for me.  Seriously – my low key career goal is to own an golden retriever.  My high end goal is to make a ton of money and then retire and own/manage one of these theaters somewhere.

In less important news, Pacific Rim was not good.  The effects are absolutely tremendous, but the acting and writing ranges from high school play to porn.  But I ate like a king and my ticket was free so no big deal.  I have 4 more days and will be reviewing The Conjuring tomorrow (and possible RIPD also this weekend).  The only thing I won’t see there is Grown Ups 2.  No amount of pleasure can mask that pain.

So then it was show time (after a Subway dinner – BALLER!) I headlined the Wednesday show for about 30 people.  It went great, though one woman kept interrupting me.  After the show I sold one CD, and lost two sales because I do not have a credit card thingamajig on my cell phone.  I then took the $10 from the sale and bought myself a piece of $8 cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory on the way home as I warned the crowd I would during an epic 10 minute bit about my struggles with weight loss.  Here’s a clip from the show:

So that was all day 1!! What does the rest of this week have in store?  Check in Monday morning for the next update.

If you are bored for me check out my podcast this week – been getting rave reviews and a lot of listens – the bi-racial lawyer’s thoughts on George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin.  Enjoy – http://righteouspk.podomatic.com/entry/2013-07-15T19_37_08-07_00

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The Mega San Antonio Recap

Sorry this recap is a bit late in arriving, but it was quite the epic journey.

Wednesday – The Arrival

When I arrived in San Antonio after two uneventful flights I was driven to the airport Holiday Inn.  I was nervous about the location (the areas around airports usually suck in my experience), but this was different.  Within walking distance: the comedy club, The  Cheesecake Factory, a Barnes & Noble, a Chick Fil A, a Best Buy, a Planet Fitness and Perfect 10 – a gentleman’s club.  I don’t think a hotel has ever been more perfectly located for a comedian’s needs.

The show the first night was pretty well attended.  A large percentage of the audience was an office having their Christmas party.  The office head honcho came up to me before (I was on the website as closing the Wednesday show) and said he liked my stuff on line, but because he had some older people he was wondering – and I interrupted him and said I would leave the F bombs out.  That was before the chatty military folk up front started interrupting me.

The show went well, except for the two tables of military up front (two dudes and one chick kept interrupting, even after I compared them to Billy Zane and the iceberg to my Titanic).  And I probably dropped 6 F bombs, far exceeding my promise of zero.  But everyone else gave me the same compliment after the show, “Great stuff and I wanted to kill those two tables,” which a few times came from guys who were also in the military.  I hope someone got a Code Red for talking through my show.

Thursday – Coyote Ugly and CD Sales

On Thursday I began my stretch of featuring when headliner Jeff Dye arrived.  Worked out at Planet Fitness – this is the “no judgment” gym.  You know what we need more of in gyms? Judgment. First – women, nothing says awful self esteem than walking into a Planet Fitness or a Curves – if these are the only gyms you feel comfortable in then just get an eating disorder – there is more dignity in it.  On the flip side, dudes who come to Planet Fitness with arrogance also need to go.  To the dude I saw with a gallon water jug – this is usually a douche move in a regular, judgment-filled gym, but in a Planet Fitness – unforgivable.  This should be a gym of convenience, not a gym where you hide your problems or strut like you own the place.

Anyway Thursday’s show was a great crowd, largely because the San Antonio Coyote Ugly was having their Christmas party. Now if I told you twenty scantily clad women in their 20s from Texas, with more tattoos collectively than the 2009 Denver Nuggets were at a comedy show you would probably say, “Yikes, that is going to be an awful show,” but nothing could be further from the truth.  Perhaps because of the semi-stripper nature of their job, they had a respect for performance and never made a peep except for laughter.

But the best moment was when a guy who had been at the show on Wednesday showed up again with his wife/girlfriend and two other friends, based solely on how strong I’d been on Wednesday.  No greater compliment in comedy than repeat business.

To cap a great first two day run I sold out of almost all my CDs on Wednesday and Thursday.  So of course I went to sleep that night angry that I did not bring more.  Glass is always half empty and broken with jagged edges to cut you for me.

Friday – The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema and Another Woman Calls Me A Fu*king Asshole

The highlight of Friday was unquestionably going to see Sherlock Holmes at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema.  This is the best theater I have ever been to.  You can order food and drink during the movie.  I know there are other places like this, but the menu was huge and the stuff I ordered was delicious.  The movie was ok, but I would see a terrible movie there just to go to the theater. Which I did the next day when I watched The Sitter with Jonah Hill.

The early show Friday was great, but the late show was dreary.  And there was a woman who would not shut up.  I gently insulted her and she playfully yelled, “I can take it!” She then called my sweater a Christmas sweater (it is Navy Blue – no patterns, design, anything – just blue) and then when she went to the bathroom I took about 40 seconds out of my routine to sarcastically beg her to come back until she left.  This must have pushed her over the edge because she said nothing the rest of the show.  However, when she and her party left towards the end of the headliner’s set, he asked where they were going and she replied, “You are fine, but the guy before you was a fu*king asshole!” I then started clapping from the back of the showroom.

Oddly enough I sold zero CDs after selling a ton the first two nights.  I then went home, watched the previews for pay per view porn films and fell asleep.

Saturday – The Stood Up Chick At The Stand Up Show

As I already mentioned I went to see The Sitter on Saturday and nothing else really happened.  The shows Saturday went great, both of them.  Weird thing transpired towards the end of the show.  An attractive woman approached me (normally it is  not the case, because I think women assume because I am the poor man’s Rock physically and the poor man’s Adam Sandler monetarily that I am fair game for their so so looking friend) at the bar outside the showroom as she was leaving the bathroom to go back into the showroom.  She said she thought I was really good and wanted to ask me a question.  When a question is prefaced like this it means only one thing, “Do I have a girlfriend?”  I replied yes, but like a pro she said, “Oh that must be really difficult travelling all the time.” I replied, “Sometimes, but fortunately I am not very successful so I am home more than I want to be.” She replied, “I got stood up tonight.” And I said, “Well that guy is an idiot – sorry to hear that.” She then left and went back into the showroom.

After the show I sold a few more CDs and then the stood up woman walked out. With her date.  Not that it would have made a difference, but what exactly was her plan?  Did she want a good rogering in the bathroom and then would claim that she just met this guy with twenty minutes left in the show?  Very weird and very awkward.

Sunday – No Chick Fil A & 1 CD left

Sunday’s crowd was the second smallest of the week, but the best overall.  Great great crowd and I sold my one remaining CD.  I think Philadelphia in May may have been the last time I felt this good after a week of comedy.  I had 6 great shows and one where I got called a fu*king asshole, which is a great way to sacrifice one show.  Ate Chick Fil A and cheesecake until my heart started hurting, and worked with some great comics and a great staff at LOL.

Epilogue

This was my last paid gig for 2011.  And looking at my 2012 calendar it appears the Mayans were talking about my career when then predicted the end of the world.  So off to the gym – time to start planning for my life after comedy, which apparently began two days ago.  Starting in January you can catch me on the Righteous Prick podcast on iTunes every Tuesday, J-L’s Movie Life movie review show on YouTube every Monday and on this blog every Wednesday and Friday.  Additionally, my new CD arrives in late January.  Thanks for a good year and for reading this blog and watching my comedy.