Is My Dad A Terrorist?

This was my first thought when I heard that a barber shop quartet of terrorists, including one Haitian man, were planning on bombing two synagogues in the Riverdale section of the Bronx, only to have their plot foiled by the FBI.  See, my parents live in Riverdale and my Dad is Haitian, which based on the Jewish and Irish dominance in the neighborhood demographics gave my Dad a 1 in 10 chance of being involved.  I am also surprised that my Mom did not report him to the FBI just because it would get him out of the house.  Til death or Patriotic Act do they part.

In all seriousness I ran by the synagogues all the time (which I can probably no longer do without arousing suspicion) and have attended Bar Mitzvahs at one of them so it is sort of creepy.  But perhaps now when I say I am from Riverdale, people will not say “like the Archie comics.”  

But can it be a shock that Haitians are quickly becoming the hot new thing in terrorism?  They are like the Zac Efron of global jihad and this is their High School Musical 3.  A few years ago, a “plot” to bomb the Sears Tower was uncovered and involved a handful of Haitians in Florida.  I quickly began joking that this was preposterous.  I believe my joke was – “Really, Haitian terrorists?  What were they going to do give the Sears Tower poverty and AIDS?”

The fact is that Haiti has been sitting right near the United States for 200 years and is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.  It is also full of brown and black people.  Poverty and melanin are, after all, the two biggest indicators of future terrorists/enemies of the United States.  There may be a silver lining though – if eventually Haitian detention camps are started I feel like my blog and Tweets will be followed by many more people, even if most of them work for the government.

Furthermore, it turns out this latest plot was wrught by prison converts to Islam and not by some homegrown Haitian sect.  Alexis de Toqueville famously wrote that you can judge a country by its prisons.  So apparently our country can be defined by rape, weight rooms and turning people into worse people than they were before.  In other words America is a 300 million member fraternity.

I have said it repeatedly; there are only a few ways Haiti can save itself and get help from the United States:

  1. Become Communist so that everyone can get a Coast Guard Escort to stay in the United States.
  2. Find Oil.  Or…
  3. Try to become the 51st State.
I will ask you one more time - are you Cuban?
I will ask you one more time - are you Cuban?

And since these plots have been foiled perhaps we can focus on the atrocity that America has committed, namely, voting Kris Allen American Idol over Adam Lambert.  I have not been this angry over a vote since John Kerry lost to George W. Bush.


Lambert vs. Lakers

The last night of American Idol has arrived.  Last night Adam Lambert did what he had to to defeat Kris Allen (i.e. prevent the release of compromising gay sex photos, which is the only thing that could hold off Adam last night).  His version of A Change is Gonna Come was great, with the exception of a wailing part where he looked on the verge of awwkward tears (phew – just his musical theater acting chops shining through).  Kris Allen did well, despite the John Mayer/Muppet faces he made while singing.  However, the deciding factor was the final big “I can do it, I can beat the odds, I am a champion” song that both contestants have to sing (why does American Idol insist on the first single from every season being something that sounds like it belongs on the Karate Kid III soundtrack?). Not only did the scope of the song better fit Lambert’s big voice, he also provided the best unintentional comedy for the season this side of Scott McIntyre’s fangs when he sang the lyric, “You can go deeper; there are no boundaries.”  Was this song written before or after Glambert was voted a finalist?

Speak up - I did not hear that last part.
Speak up - I did not hear that last part.

So I voted for only the second time in an American Idol finals (the first was for Carrie Underwood) and it took me 75 minutes to get through, which I did in between two of the harshest sets I’ve performed (I have officially eliminated every possible topic from my “off limits” comedy folder).  What is amazing is that I had to wait 90 minutes to vote for Obama.  So for the first time in 8 years we have a president who is more popular than American Idol.  Take that cynics.  Although I guess the true test will be when the American Idol front runner is a handsome black man (interestingly enough the only black man winner is one of the least popular, but probably because he is fat and sweaty).

But all the good vibes from American idol and infanticide jokes wore off late last night when I watched the Los Angeles Lakers eke out a two point victory over the Denver Nuggets.  Normally I would root against a team with as many tattoos as the Nuggets (JR Smith looks like he has a skin condition and Chris Anderson, Carmello Anthony and Kenyon Martin look like members of the world’s best prison basketball team – especially Carmello who sports a Warna Brotha (WB)” tattoo encouraging kids not to cooperate with law enforcement – the NBA, where caring happens.

Remember kids - if a cop needs your help tell theat motherfu-ker to go fu-k himself.  The NBA where caring happens
Remember kids - if a cop needs your help tell theat motherfu-ker to go fu-k himself. The NBA where caring happens

But the Nuggets are playing Kobe, Sasha and the rest of the Los Angeles Lakers.   To put it in perspective I look at the Nuggets like Sunni insurgents and the Lakers as Al Qaeda.   Sure I don’t like either team, but am willing to make a deal with the insurgents to defeat Laker Qaeda.  To continue this ridiculous, and possibly offensive analogy, I will now refer to Kobe Bryant as Kobe bin Laden. 

So hopefully Lambert wins tonight and the Nuggets can get ther sh*t together and defeat the evildoers tomorrow.

You are either with us or with the Lakers.
You are either with us or with the Lakers.

Adam Lambert vs. Kris Allen or as Don King…

Last night America added insult to widowery when they voted off the soulful sound of recent widower Dany Gokey.  On pure talent the finals should have been Dany Gokey versus Adam Lambert.  But like many elections, especially those involving reality shows, women flex their pop culture suffrage in greater numbers than men and Gokey could not measure up.  See, Adam Lambert is the talented gay friend that every girl, not from the Bible belt (and maybe secretly in the Bible belt – “Daddy, it ain’t a sin if I just watch him sing his songs!”) wants (think Sex and the City or Rupert Everett) .

Option 1 for ladies - Shopping and Endless Compliments from Adam Lambert
Option 1 for ladies - Shopping and Endless Compliments from Adam Lambert

Kris Allen is the cute boy next door that will sing a girl an acoustic song on a beach somewhere (think Owen Wilson’s take on Hutch in Starsky and Hutch). 

Otion 2 - Kris Allen - Remember The Time I sang to you you ungrateful bit*h!  Why don't you have sex with your best friend - oh that's right - he doesn't want to.
Option 2 - Kris Allen - Remember The Time I sang to you you ungrateful bit*h! Why don't you have sex with your best friend - oh that's right - he doesn't want to.

But what category did Dany Gokey bring to the table – soulful white man on the worst rebound imaginable (think Michael Bolton or C. Thomas Howell for the 20 years in between Soul Man and Southland).  So the women have spoken and they now have to choose between The Birdcage and The Notebook.

It's not going to get any easier Dany.
It's not going to get any easier Dany.

On pure talent, Adam Lambert should run away with it.  His voice is so powerful he basically sounds like he is showing off every time he sings.  Although I think the judges are now under some hypnotic Prince-like spell with Adam where they are incapableof criticizing him, his performances of Mad World and Satisfaction this season have been the two best performances of the season.  But things that are not in his control could hurt him (Katy Perry wearing an “Adam Lambert cape before her performance?).   Sidenote: my tweets during the show got Katy Perry to follow me on Twitter.

But Kris Allen emerged as a contender with his first performance in the Top 13 when he did a great version of Do You Remember The Time by Michael Jackson.   Since then he has been the competition’s John Mayer (minus strange tattoos and complete douche-bagginess) on “Your Body Is A Wonderland” overdrive, with ooooo-ing and ahhh-ing at his awww shucks charm (which does seem genuine).   Two things may hurt him.  One is that he does not have the pure talent and showmanship of Lambert and two is that he is from what I have heard is that he is a married Christian, which will lose him the vote of physicists and alternative NYC comedians.

So who will win?  It should be Lambert and I think it will be.   If he does win I hope his album is some sort of melding of Sebastian Bach and Freddie Mercury and not some trite pop, which would not really fit him anyway. 

My two funniest moments from last night’s show:

  1. A female fan in San Diego rushing Adam Lambert while removing her shirt – either she was from a Bible-based re-orientation program or she got some very bad information.
  2. The Real Sex moment.  Seeing Jordin Sparks looking quite nice singing her song and then flashingback to Adam and Kris was the equivalent of Real Sex on HBO when one minute it is the “Female Porn Stars HavingLesbian Encounters” segment followed quickly and inappropriately by “Old Men Masturbating” segment.  Not cool American Idol.