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Denver – The Sunshine State & The Economics Of…

Is quoting Old School out of style?

Tomorrow I fly out to Denver to feature for six shows at a mid-size club.  Despite the glamour you may infer from my frustrated rants about performing in different places, losing comedy competitions,  not getting booked enough and missing out on television opportunities I assure you, life as a comedian is no party.  As I prepare for Denver here is an anticipated breakdown of my sharecropping like experience as a feature comedian.

Pay for 6 shows – $400

Flight to Denver – Jet Blue – $330.00

Air Train round trip to JFK and back – $10

Gym Fees – $0 (fortunately there is a 24 Hour fitness less than 2 miles from the club – yet another reason for me to endorse this awesome gym)

Meals – $30/day (3.5 days)

Additional meals cost because I am a fu-king giant – $25/day

Cost of travelling to a Obamacare town hall meeting in Denver to assault old Republicans – $25

Number of CD/DVDs I must sell at $10 a piece to break even – 16

Chances of appearing at the club again without a bump into headlining for actual financial incentive – 0

Making people laugh for 6 shows – not priceless, but worth more than $400

If I have WiFi in the club-provided apartment then expect some updates on my trip.  Otherwise follow them on Facebook or Twitter.  Or go fu-k yourself.

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Orlando Magic

Just got back from Orlando (wedding and a trip to Universal Studios).  A few things I learned and confirmed this weekend.

JetBlue is a fantastic airline.  The leg room, unlimited snacks and television are all great.  The old European bitch sitting near me with her poodle was the only drawback.  She got into it with a flight attendant about placing the dog underneath the seat (it was a small one), to which she proclaimed, “I travel to Europe all the time with the dog,” as if the flight attendant was supposed to reply, “Oh, you travel often… and to EUROPE, welllllll I did not know – excuse me and my provincial sensibilities.”  People should not be able to bring dogs onto an airplane unless they are blind.   At one point, as the dog started whimpering I almost shouted, “Somebody get these motherfu-kin’ dogs off my motherfu-kin’ plane.”

Caricature drawings are interesting experiences.  I had one drawn of me at Universal Studios.  As people walk by you know they are judging.  They are saying one of two things:

  1. Damn!  – that dude is fu-ked up looking and she is drawing all of it or
  2. That artist sucks and that dude sitting right there is getting ripped off.

Fortunately I think it came out well (resembling me, but funnier looking).  However, it is the first time I feel like instead of Obama-Adam Sandler my combo has come out to look like Billy Zane mixed with Milton Berle.  Enjoy:

Billy Zane's skull, Milton Berle's mouth and Jay Leno's chin
Billy Zane’s skull, Milton Berle’s mouth and Jay Leno’s chin

So this week has a lot of promise.  Tonight is my first trip to Yankee stadium and the season finale of 24 (can it possibly suck any more?), Tuesday more Laker basketball to hate and The American Idol finals to enjoy (Lambert has been the star all season and must win) and then Thursday is Terminator Salvation.  Stay tuned. Or stay whatever it is when you read stuff.