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The Righteous Prick 2012 Oscar Breakdown

The 2012 Oscar Nominations were announced for what I believe was the worst year in movies since 2005 (Crash beat Brokeback Mountain while Munich, my favorite movie of that year, never had a shot despite being nominated).  Well this year has been the movie of the overrated and the boring.  I have some positive things to say about some of this year’s nominees, but that wouldn’t be as much fun so I will try to keep the positivity to a minimum.  For reference here is my recap of 2011 films (before I saw the excellent We Need To Talk About Kevin):

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=3180

BEST PICTURE

In my movie wrap up of 2011 I rated Hugo as the most overrated film of the year and The Tree of Life in the top 5 most overrated films of the year, as well as the most pretentious film of all time.  Both nominated for best picture.  Awful.  And Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is nominated.  It is the only film of the ten nominated that I have not seen.  And I have no intention of seeing it.  Not because of any 9/11 movie fear or discomfort (United 93 is one of the greatest movies I have ever seen, but the academy only had the courage to nominate it for Best Director back in 2006, not best picture), but because I find the child actor so irritating in the commercials and previews that I am glad he lost his fictional father.  That is how annoying I find him.

I have no problem with the other nominees and generally found the films to range from adequate to enjoyable.  However here are the movies I think are clear snubs: The Ides of March, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, 50/50, We Need To Talk About Kevin and my long shot, but personal favorite Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  The fact that WNTTAK and 50/50 were completely shut out is a travesty.

But thank goodness Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and Drive were not nominated for Best Picture.

BEST ACTOR

When is Joseph Gordon-Levitt going to get some goddamn respect?!  500 Days of Summer shut out in 2009 and then 50/50 shut out this year.  It makes me like JGL more to think that he is being stiffed by the industry because he does not play politics.

The nominees are fine I guess with that one omission.  And I am surprised Michael Fassbender did not get nominated for Shame. Or that his penis was not nominated for best supporting actor.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Jonah Hill gets nominated for playing a fat quiet guy.  The fu*k out of here!

Kenneth Branagh should win this, but Christopher Plummer has earned it (and his performance as Mike Wallace in The Insider was not nominated at all in 1999 – my top snub I can remember)

BEST ACTRESS

To quote Bill Burr, “Rooney Mara had to be fu*king Daniel Craig and if she wasn’t she deserves an award for best pantomiming of fu*king a guy.”  Agreed.  She looked great, she was great. I think she should win.  Normally I bet Meryl Streep against the field because she is better than everyone, but The Iron Lady was not good.  Like not good enough to tear her chances down.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Jessica Chastain was in 147 movies this year so she deserves this. And she was great in The Help. And I think it would be funny if the only award for the The Help went to a white woman.

BEST ANIMATED FILM

They all sucked this year.  Seriously, every animated movie I saw this year sucked. What a disappointment. Shame on you Pixar and shame on you Kung Fu Panda 2. I expect better from you guys.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

Rise of the Planet of The Apes – it needs to win something dammit!

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Really good category except Tinker Tailor is nominated.  Really – a good adaptation? Was the book long, boring and dreary also or was that the gift of the screenwriter?  Hugo can go fu*k itself.  I think Moneyball wins simply because it was a great book about statistics that was made into a solid (but not great in my opinion) film.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Bridesmaids got nominated for best original screenplay?  So I guess making a slightly less funny Old School/Hangover (I, not the lazy II) is now original!  I’d like to see The Artist win because it would be weird to have a film with 10 words of dialogue win a screenwriting award.

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Keeping It Brill

I saw on Twitter this morning that Eddie Brill, the booker for The Late Show with David Letterman, had been fired as the booker for comedians on the show.  The official cause was “speaking to the press without authorization.” However,  it is clear that the furor over two quotes from the NY Times profile on him is what has caused the big problems “I see a lot of female comics who to please an audience will act like men” and “There are a lot less female comics who are authentic.”  Not to get lawyerish on this statement, but this is not an absolute statement.  This is not “women aren’t funny” or “All the women I see suck.”  This is an opinion of someone concerning the submissions he sees.  For the full article the link is below:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/12/arts/television/eddie-brill-and-the-comics-on-david-lettermans-show.html

I can see women getting upset over the lacking authenticity comment, but remember that the article discusses how Brill was basically booking mostly A-list comedians.  That is one way to maintain the prestige of the show.  And also Brill appears very particular about the style of comedy he wanted on the show.  This was someone who said Eddie Murphy in his prime would not be right for the show and also rejected Anthony Jeselnik, who is one of the rising stars of stand up.  But if Brill is looking to book mostly the top comics, who are they?

Well, Laughspin.com, a popular site for comedy news and a strong advocate of women in comedy, releases a top 10 comedy albums list every year.  Of the last three years here are the tallies:

  • 2009 – 8 male comedians, 2 female comedians
  • 2010 – 10 male comedians, 0 female comedians
  • 2011 – 9 male comedians, 1 female comedian

And yet no one is bashing Laughspin for their underrepresentation of female comics on their list?

In 2010 Forbes released a list of the biggest money makers in stand up comedy for the year.  9 were men. 1 (Chelsea Handler at #4) was a woman.

 

These are sources that are not accused of sexism or discrimination (it would be hard to fire or boycott money), but they bear out that at this point in comedy, regardless of how accomplished Tina Fey is as a writer, how many sketches Kristin Wiig is in on Saturday Night Live or how many people see Bridesmaids, that the upper echelon of stand up, regardless of cause, is comprised of men.  And while I understand diversity in many forms as a good thing – in entertainment I believe in letting the market and merit guide us (which sometimes leads to tragedies known as Adam Sandler’s last decade).

Now I know when some females in comedy read this they are somehow going to extrapolate that I am hateful and sexist from this, but this is the environment and the culture that Eddie Brill is from and the resources he is looking through.  Brill may have articulated in a less than stellar approach, but the fact is America clearly has a preference, at this point in time, where their stand up comedy dollars go.  It is not a bad thing or a good thing. It is just a thing.

I keep reading over comments by people saying “diversity makes for better lineups in comedy.”  THESE ARE NOT LINEUPS.  Letterman had 22 stand-up comedians appear over the course of an entire year.  Those are individual sets that occur sporadically.  You obviously do not want the exact same schtick each time, but when you have Bill Burr, Jerry Seinfeld, Louis CK, Ted Alexandro, Tommy Johnagan, etc. can their really be complaints about the talent?

Women and men have different voices (a lot of the time) because of their respective experiences.  So do alternative and mainstream comedians.  But somehow Jimmy Fallon being a haven for alternative comedians with 3 minutes of television material for 5 minutes spots arouses no anger, but 1 woman out of 22 comedians in 2011 became a highly offensive incident.  Perhaps he does not like the majority of female comedians.  Why is that necessarily a sex/gender issue?  Perhaps he does not identify as well with the vast majority of female voices.  That does not necessarily make him a bad, sexist or hateful person.  And guess what – based on economics and album reviews, it appears he is not alone in preferring the comedy of men.  Not necessarily because they are men, but perhaps because they happen to be the majority of the top tier of stand up talent right now.  That may change, but it may not.

It sort of feels the same as when Don Imus was fired for calling the Rutgers Women’s Hoops Team “nappy headed hoes.”  I am no Imus fan, but to this day I believe it was a disgrace that he got fired for that.  But this actually feels worse because with Imus – it looked like America was taking comedy too seriously.  But here it appears that comedians are taking themselves too seriously.  Eddie Brill has rejected me twice for The Late Show, but he did something that other networks and shows have never bothered to do: he emailed me a respectful and helpful critique geared towards his preferences.  And my thought after one of them was, “well I guess I probably won’t get on Letterman” because I felt like what he was looking for me was not really what I did.  But I was OK with that because respect is such a rare commodity in this business that I felt like I could have some dignity after my interaction with Brill.  He is clearly someone who respects what comedians do and cares about stand up.  And it certainly is not as bad as something a friend of mine heard the high priest of comedy, Louis CK, say a decade or so ago at the bar at the Comic Strip, (“There’s no such thing as funny women.”).

But Eddie Brill had something we all wanted – spots on The Late Show, so because he had some less than politically correct statements (perhaps he still thought some degree of honesty could be respected by comedians) he no longer has what we want.  So it will be a few days and then we will cease to give a sh*t about Eddie Brill or what he said.

So Jimmy Fallon books alternative comics because he digs that voice, but Eddie Brill booked more men because perhaps he liked that voice and perspective. One is OK and one is not.  So I guess there will have to be more women on Letterman next year (how embarrassing and perplexing if there aren’t).  And that is not a good thing or a bad thing in my opinion. It’s just a thing. Unless they suck.

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Comedy Sensitivity: It Doesn’t Get Better

First, before I address the comedy community, allow me to apologize to anyone who is a normal human being that reads my blog.  My podcast is going to be the focus of the more general pop culture and disdain for society that used to be confined to this blog (http://righteouspk.podomatic.com/).  And I am hoping that Monday January 30th will mark the launch of my weekly Movie Review show (www.YouTube.com/JLMovieLife).  So this blog will largely occupy (but certainly with many exceptions) issues with being a comedian.

And normally when I address issues in comedy it deals with the scumbaggery of the powers that be (e.g. I was not invited to a certain comedy club’s holiday party – a possible oversight, but hard not to take personally when my family and friends have probably put two children through college with all the bringer shows I have done at that club). Some examples are:

  • The struggle of feature work, the comedy parallel to the decline of the working class in America.
  • The manipulation and abuse of comedians’ dreams through cattle call auditions for shows where the writing is already on the wall.
  • The equivalent of stunt casting with regards to some TV star, non-stand up comedy qualified headliners.
  • The despair in seeing greats like Greg Giraldo and Patrice O’Neal die before getting their just due in the mainstream culture.
  • The fact that the comedy “media” is simply concerned with web traffic and would not know an actual issue affecting working comedians until it appeared on a verified Twitter account or on Comedy Central.

In my nearly nine years in comedy I have worked hard as a comedian, gone nearly broke, struggled professionally and personally, but I think most comedians that know me or read what I write know (or should know) that I have a deep respect for stand up comedy, at least what I want it to be.  I feel it is almost a calling, not something to dabble in or “think about trying” for a year or five before sacking up and doing it.  But given some criticism I have faced recently over Louis CK comments, plus the (what feels like daily) articles and comments on the perceived underrepresentation of women in comedy. I realize that there are a lot more pussies in comedy than I thought, and I don’t just mean anatomically.

I just recorded a podcast on Louis CK where I had an excellent conversation with another comedian about Louis’ place in comedy, his writing process, the quality of his specials, etc.  Now of course I mockingly summarize his specials by saying every one of them should be called “Working It Out,” and that every track could be called “Jerk Off,” “I Hate Kids,” and “I’m Fat.”   However whenever these comments go up on Facebook, comics quickly call me a “hater,” “bitter,” that I should “work on my comedy career.”  Now of course if I called Tim Tebow a cooky Christian in some clever way, or ripped GOP candidates or bashed the Kardashians, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia or hundreds of other public figures I would be greeted with “likes” and “LOLs.” But I cracked wise about a spiritual figure for comedians so I got showered with career advice and adjectives.  It is a cliche that comedians are insecure, but much like all the kids who need bullying to stop it appears that comedians are really become a legion of pussies (possible book/movie/late night Cinemax title).  These are the same people who will spend their time calling religious figures vile names, regardless how other people may take it, defending the usage of hate speech or hateful terms in the name of comedy, but as soon as you get near the glass house based on another comedian’s authenticity that they have built for themselves you are a hater.  I am all for full free speech in comedy, as long as it is funny.  But some of my wiser colleagues I suppose feel differently (in case you did not pick up on it, I do not believe any of my colleagues are wiser, perhaps some are as wise).

Then there is Twitter, which is downright disturbing how unfunny so many comedians are on this medium.  Genuinely unfunny.  But we engage in an ass kissing venture called “Follow Friday” on Twitter where people show support for their friends, many of whom are unfunny and kiss ass to those in a higher station in comedy life than them.  It is just mutual masturbation.  Buy your friend a candy bar or a coffee if you want to be a friend.  But respect the art and the content for Christ’s sake.

But I have saved the best complaint for last. In a discussion about pussies in comedy, I would be remiss to leave out a discussion about the degradation and shame women have been put through in the comedy world in 2011.  A typical Huffington Post/NYTimes/Twitter weekly cycle appears to be: “Women Are Funny Too!” “Are Women Funny?!” “Don’t Judge Women By Their Gender!” “Why Aren’t Women More Represented in TV Lineups!?” “Check out these 20 Hilarious Female Comedy Festivals!”  Way to play against the stereotype of indecisive, frantic and emotional.

An article in the New York Times featured Eddie Brill, the Letterman booker.  In it it was disclosed that:

  • Only 1 of the 22 comedians on Letterman this year was a woman
  • Eddie Brill finds most female comedians less authentic and that many of them are trying to act like men

In another article, this one from the Huffington Post, Judd Apatow’s Critics Choice Award speech was highlighted because he told 197 year old Jerry Lewis to fuck off because 13-14 years ago he said he “I don’t like any women comedians.”

And let’s not forget that Comedy Central only has one television development deal for a female comedian, but a bunch for men.

Well I am not sure how these Taliban have infiltrated the comedy business, but I for one would like to see some marines urinating on their corpses immediately.

The fact is, without getting into the “who is funnier” as a gender (I own 20 comedy CDs, all by men, but I am sure it is open for debate), which gender comprises the majority of the top tier of comedians? Men.  I mean in a men vs. women comedy all star game it’s the Harlem Globetrotters vs. the Washington Mystics (the Generals had men and were better than the Mystics of the WNBA).  And as far as Letterman goes, he is very particular in his bookings.  And he only booked 22 comedians and a lot of them were A listers?

I complain plenty about quality of comedy and treatment of comedians in the business, but other than facial hair on Live at Gotham I never break it down into a “there are not enough of me” represented in stand up.  But women in comedy keep playing both sides – “STOP TREATING ME DIFFERENTLY AND CAN YOU PLEASE PUT ME ON THE SHOW BECAUSE THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH WOMEN.”  And Jerry Lewis and Eddie Brill never made absolute statements – they merely stated their personal preferences, but like a “Support The Troops” applause line, telling guys like that to fuck off is red meat for a gender that so often is stereotypically portrayed as misconstruing messages (watch any CBS comedy and you will get what I am saying).

There are funny women.  There are just a lot more funny men.  And the funniest men are the funniest people on the planet. No matter how many times you watch Bridesmaids.

But between being more sensitive to non-traditional challenges (Fuck the Pope = OK, Louis CK is overrated = heresy), mutually masturbating on Twitter and defending women’s honor against an onslaught of sexism, comedy might as well have its own anti-bullying slogan: It’s Getting Worse.

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The Zero Barrier of Comedy

So I am approaching 9 years in the comedy “game.”  Since a new year is a great time for reflection I reflected on my relatively empty calendar, my even emptier bank account and my fully empty soul and realized that I am approaching the zero barrier of careers.  The term zero barrier, if I am remembering the term correctly, is from the film Armageddon (which failed to use Armageddon It by Def Leppard which is one of the great soundtrack omissions of all time) and it refers to the last possible moment they could blow up the asteroid to ensure it avoided Earth before it was too late.

Well, I am not sure if I am at the zero barrier of my comedy career, but I am close.  Now I will always be fairly employable – a Georgetown Law Degree will always qualify me for bagging groceries, cleaning toilets and substitute art teaching, but those will just be jobs.  The possibility of a career is slipping away though.  I have been at comedy for almost 9 years and doing it as my full time job for 3 years.  It feels like I have been released into the wild to be free and pure instinct, but now mental health and financial health seem to be calling me back to the controlled zoo of a day job as well as career ambition that doesn’t depend on the reactions of strangers.

But that has not stopped me from pumping out a ton of new content in 2012.  My weekly podcast has launched, just filmed two new comedy short films, I am in the process of putting together my weekly movie review show and of course my new CD Too Big To Fail will be out in February (along with the honor of having my voice doing the intro on Patrice O’Neal’s posthumous CD).  I also just got picked for a NACA showcase where I can potentially (but of course not guaranteed to) make a decent chunk of change doing college gigs.  The point of this is not to brag.  This is all the shit I am doing to keep even!  Just to keep people interested (because bookings have been slow, which are the comedy business’ way of helping you maintain a sharecropper’s status – go to a club, make a couple hundred bucks profit if you are lucky as a feature, get some Twitter followers, some Facebook friends, some YouTube fans, and then don’t get called back to the club for 2 or more years so that half of your fans are dead and the other half has moved on to supporting their local def poetry scene).

So thanks to the people who read this blog, watch my videos, listen to my podcast through early problems and generally put up with my shit.  I say this in part out of gratitude, but mostly because this is probably the year I go full on crazy, like become the 2006 Ron Artest of stand up or the Montecore of stand up and I will need at least a few of you at a sentencing to speak to the pressures of comedy and the joy I brought to you when you read this blog and realized – wait, maybe life is not so bleak because I certainly don’t feel as bitter and riled up as this meteor falling to the Earth.  Happy New Year!!!

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My Favorite Movies of 2011 (with some hateful comments…

Before the official awards get announced, and between New Year’s Day and the annual January release of a Liam Neeson-against-the-world-action-movie it is time for me to summarize thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours I spent on movies last year with my top 10 favorite movies and assorted other comments.  Per usual, let’s start with the bad news.

The Most Overrated Movies of 2011 (overrated and by coincidence they actually suck as well)

1) Hugo – I fell asleep for five minutes in the middle of this movie (2nd time in my life I have ever fallen asleep in a movie). Critics are gushing over this film that has a plot for children, but a high minded, boredom-inducing style that seems suited for pretentious senior citizens.

2) Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – If Colin Firth is involved, being overrated is always a threat (I’m sorry, the “handsome Colin Firth” – this guy is the male Cate Blanchett who is “beautiful”).  But this movie outdoes itself.  The first spy thriller to not have a single thrill.  The conclusion of the film packs the punch of a 4 year old girl.  A major cast, a major disappointment.

3) Drive – We get it ladies Ryan Gosling is wonderful.  He talks like he’s from Brooklyn, despite being Canadian, he looks sleepy and before his abs developed, liking this art house favorite made you feel less shallow than your old feelings for Paul Walker.  And he had a huge year in 2011 (two of his films made the top 10), but Drive was as Adam Carolla so eloquently put it, “a highly stylized piece of sh*t.   The reviews for this film set the bar high.  The opening sequence was so cool it managed to exceed the reviews.  The remaining 90 minutes were a mess of awkward smiles by Gosling (seriously it was a weird performance at best, and an unintentional portrayal of a special needs human being at worst), an awful attempt at a love story and violence that was so gruesome and out of the blue that it seemed to simply be there to evoke a stomach turning reaction.  A weird and dumb movie.

4) Meloncholia – This movie about the possible end of the world and the end of a marriage is part two of the highly stylized piece of sh*t triumvirate.  On the plus side Kirsten Dunst looks incredible naked.  On the negative side the movie is odd and relatively plotless.  And I can still never forgive Lars Von Trier for the film Antichrist. And the Dunst love is for her breasts.  They may say her performance was amazing, but it was one note misery – my blog has more nuance of misery than her performance.  They just were impressed by her rack.  That’s it.

5) The Tree of Life – (the third in the stylized piece of sh*t trio) the only reason this is not the most overrated film of the year is because some critics had the good sense to call it nonsense.  Terrence Malick is nothing short of a cinematic villain.  His movies suck.  I made the mistake of thinking “Oh Brad Pitt and Sean Penn are good actors so maybe this movie will be different,” ignoring the fact that Pitt and Penn are incredibly self-important artists of “the craft” and actually heightened the chances that this movie would be pretentious garbage.  No point in describing this movie because it had no point or plot.

The Movie I Was Most Surprised to Like

Warrior – I actually highlighted this movie’s trailer on my blog as a sure fire crap bucket.  The preview was cheesy and was clearly making a ploy to be the “Rocky of MMA,” which to me is like trying to be “the Rocky of prison rape (see my podcast on January 17th)”  But the movie turned out to be really solid.  Well acted and largely void of sports movie cheese, not to mention it featured the best set of traps in Hollywood history, courtesy of the clearly ‘roided up Tom Hardy.  No movie this year forced me to acknowledge that my pre-conceived notions were wrong more than Warrior.

Top 10 Favorite Movies of 2011

I saw a lot of movies this year and these were my favorites.   I feel no need to justify my choices and I do not care what yours are.  If they are vastly different than mine you are wrong.  So without further adieu:

1) Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Nothing makes me happier than a high-minded, patiently-crafted popcorn movie.

2) The Ides of March – Nothing new in terms of revelations of how scummy politics is, but I thought this was a brisk, tense, extremely well-acted film.

3) War Horse – if you can look past the (intentional) old school, Hollywood cheesiness you should leave the theater with a smile on your face.

4) Crazy Stupid Love – best romantic comedy since 500 Days of Summer

5) 50/50 – All the humor and sadness you’d expect from a cancer movie.  Joseph Gordon Levitt is going to be 2012’s less ripped, more versatile Ryan Gosling – it is his time to break out big time.

6) The Descendants – Another Clooney flick on the list (Ides was the first).  Really enjoyed just about every minute of this movie.

7) The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – might have made the list simply for Rooney Mara’s performance (and her acting was good too), but I really enjoyed the movie – shortest 2 hours and 40 minutes I have spent in a theater.  I think David Fincher is the best director working right now not named Christopher Nolan.

8. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol – let it be known that I never abandoned my fandom of Tom Cruise and I was rewarded well with this excellent action movie.  See it on IMAX also – some really great shots.

9) X Men: First Class – The first comic book movie post-The Dark Knight that I felt brought gravitas and high quality to the comic book genre.

10) The Artist – A silent movie that almost turns silence into a foreign language.  If not for War Horse, this would have been my feel-good movie of the year.

Thanks for reading – I hope to have my movie review show up and running by the end of this month (www.YouTube.com/JLMovieLife) – you can subscribe now if you like.  So my reviews will hopefully be funny videos this year, or at least videos.  Great news for you anti-readers!

Have a nice weekend.

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New Comedy Year, Old Comedy Results

Well, it is a new year, a time for weak people to declare useless things about their tiny lives (I almost made my resolution to be more positive).  I opted to not make any resolutions.  I figure I can find ways to fail at life and career without actually pre-setting the things I will fail at.  I have accomplished one minor achievement in my comedy career, but for every step forward I take two steps back because comedy’s like crack (please read that to the tune of Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attracts”).  I started my new weekly podcast, which is only two years late to be significant in comedy.

It is called Righteous Prick, the same name of this blog, because I wanted to create a real synergy with the 15 loyal readers.  This is my mediocre attempt at branding (in the Spring I will launch my first fragrance “Fu*k Off”).  The podcast is basically me picking a topic each week (a comedian, a food, a television show, etc.) that I think is overrated and then having a friendly to contentious debate with a fan of that week’s podcast subject.  It should be fun, but I am certain a majority of the weak, insecure deplorable people that make up the underbelly of NYC comedy will probably take it as confirmation of me as a brooding asshole, while they continue to literally and metaphorically deep throat any comedian with one degree of heat above room temperature.  Well it is just me trying to make an argument fun and getting people to re-think what society or corporate culture or dumb peers have convinced them is “awesome” and maybe just to think “maybe it is just OK” while having some laughs.

If you still are interested please go to iTunes, search “Righteous Prick with J-L Cauvin,” and click the subscribe button (it’s free). It will make me moderately happy.

But just as I was proud to become technically proficient enough to produce a technically insufficient weekly podcast the comedy business came back with a vengeance with a double barrelled shotgun shot to the ego.  Booking emails and a comedy contest brought me back to Earth like a Texas-sized meteor designed to render my hope extinct.

I sent out my booking emails Tuesday morning.  Mostly to clubs I have done well, really well or have been to multiple times (a good sign that I may not have sucked in their eyes), with a few new venues thrown in for good luck.  Well, the results are in and apparently I am as desired at comedy clubs as Jon Huntsman is in an Iowa caucus.  But that was OK, because I had a spot last night in the Laughing Skull Comedy Festival first round.  Hope springs eternal in comedy!

The Laughing Skull is is a popular comedy festival based out of Atlanta.  This year the competition had several satellite first round contests with a chance to go to Atlanta.  The New York satellite took place at the Laughing Devil comedy club in Long Island City.  It is a quaint little club. It seats 50 audience members comfortably and stands 12 comedians at the bar uncomfortably.  I drew the enviable position of 11th on the lineup of a 10pm show that started 40 minutes late on a Tuesday night (prime time baby!).  I ended up hanging with comedian Tony Deyo at the nearby Dunkin Donuts for 2/3 of the contest because he went on second and I was going on second to last.  I purchased a Nesquik Strawberry Banana milk by accident which turned out to be the most vile thing I have ever drank after the bottle of Lucozade i have in Ireland when I was 6.

I ended up going on after the eventual first place winner who delivered his jokes in a weird monotone voice (I have a pet peeve against stage voices – like losing to a guitar playing comedian), but the crowd enjoyed his jokes and I figured he would place.  I then went up and was probably seething contempt from my face.  The first reason is that I could see a gentlman in his late 40s nodding off when I got on stage.  But of course, because comedy has become more clowning than art form I could not throw the mic at him and tell him to get the fu*k out of the club and go to bed.  As I went through my routine I got big laughs for all of my big punchlines, but the quick, subtle jabs I have throughout my bits were falling on near silence because when people are falling asleep and uncomfortable at night the first thing to go is subtlety (or they were stupid).  So I left to a good laugh, knew immediately that it was over for me and ended up not placing.  That means I most likely save myself money by not spending hotel and airfare to Atlanta in March.  Of course I have been told that the festival is fun so I bummed to miss out on that, but let’s be honest – I am 32 years old – “fun” should have stopped being part of my vocabulary 5 years ago (the same way I detest adults that refer to things as “cool”).  And I have noticed that as I have become more experienced and a flat out better writer of jokes and bits over the years I have actually performed worse at comedy contests.  Maybe I will just pledge a comedy clique like some fraternity for wayward losers who found their first friends in comedy. Seems to be a more successful path than writing, travelling and performing.

Perhaps this sounds like sour grapes, but it is not.  The only thing I regretted last night was the late time at which I was going to bed.  It is just frustrating because contest provide an elusive lottery-type opportunity for work and exposure that usually only benefit a few participants, but is still enticing enough to do because the alternative is to sit and fight the noble fight at your computer with unreplied-to booking e-mails.   At least now I have a solid two year track record of under-performing at these things so I can now just focus on my act, my podcast and my search for a day job.

It’s going to be an interesting year.

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The 2011 J-L Cauvin Reader

With 2011 coming to a close I thought I would give fans, friends and new readers a Best of  2011 of my blogs.  I have divided them into 5 categories and the following blogs represent both my favorites and the ones that got by far the most web traffic.  The five categories are:

  1. The Comedy Business
  2. Road Gig Stories
  3. Politics
  4. Movies
  5. Sports

If you are a fan of the blog I’d appreciate you passing this along (or you can always pass along your favorite individual posts from within this blog) through Twitter and Facebook.  This is really a collection of mys best stuff so sending it to people could turn them into fans. Thanks again for reading.  2012 will be a big and new year for my on-line content and I hope you will:

  • become a fan of “Righteous Prick” on Facebook and
  • follow @RPrickPodcast on Twitter
  • Every Monday starting in January I will post my movie reviews to www.YouTube.com/JLMovieLife (subscribe today even though the page is not finished), and
  • look for my new podcast every Tuesday starting January 3rd on iTunes (Righteous Prick) and
  • and please continue to come to this blog on Wednesday and Fridays for new posts.

A picture of me reading makes sense since this post is caled the J-L Reader.THE COMEDY BUSINESS

  1. How To Fail In Comedy While Really Trying – A Breakdown of the Breakdown of the Traditional Path to Comedy Success (with an epic battle with “Bob Hellener” – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2304
  2. In Re Bob Hellener – Comedy hack and all around douche Dan Nainan is revealed to be the coward behind Bob Hellener – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2596
  3. Charlie Sheen – The Comedy America Deserves – A Breakdown of Charlie Sheen’s 2011 “Comedy Tour” – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2254
  4. Comedy One Hit Wonder – A self-depricating take on my career after 8 years – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2771
  5. A Tribute To Patrice O’Neal – A Eulogy For One of My Favorite Comedians – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=3099

ROAD GIGS

  1. The Best & Worst Fan Mail From Des Moines, Iowa – A Series of Fan/Love Letters From A Homophobic Self-Proclaimed Blow Job Queen (watch the video)- https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2210
  2. The Hills Have Eyes Wide Shut – A Swinger Party Overshadows My Show in Allentown, PA – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2165
  3. Cleveland Extremities – The Loss of Lebron James Apparently Caused An Unusually Large Number of Men in Cleveland to Masturbate in Public – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2665
  4. 30 Hour Train Ride From New Orleans to NYC – Of All The Train Rides I’ve Taken For Comedy, This Was The Most Epic – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2867

POLITICS & ECONOMICS

  1. Economics For Dummies – 9 months Before Occupy Wall Street I wrote this – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2178
  2. 3 Non Partisan Things America Should Do – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2742
  3. Occupy Wall Street – A Follow Up to #1 in light of the Occupy Wall Street Movement – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2987

MOVIES

  1. Review of Super 8 – I Expose JJ Abrams As Hollywood’s Bernie Madoff – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2537
  2. Someone Must Stop Adam Sandler – Title Speaks For Itself – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2710
  3. Return of the Planet of The Apes – My Favorite Movie of the Year (and a funny write up) – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2752

SPORTS

  1. The End Of The Diet Jordan Era – My Summary of Kobe Bryant’s Era as Diet Michael Jordan – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2412
Blog

The Mega San Antonio Recap

Sorry this recap is a bit late in arriving, but it was quite the epic journey.

Wednesday – The Arrival

When I arrived in San Antonio after two uneventful flights I was driven to the airport Holiday Inn.  I was nervous about the location (the areas around airports usually suck in my experience), but this was different.  Within walking distance: the comedy club, The  Cheesecake Factory, a Barnes & Noble, a Chick Fil A, a Best Buy, a Planet Fitness and Perfect 10 – a gentleman’s club.  I don’t think a hotel has ever been more perfectly located for a comedian’s needs.

The show the first night was pretty well attended.  A large percentage of the audience was an office having their Christmas party.  The office head honcho came up to me before (I was on the website as closing the Wednesday show) and said he liked my stuff on line, but because he had some older people he was wondering – and I interrupted him and said I would leave the F bombs out.  That was before the chatty military folk up front started interrupting me.

The show went well, except for the two tables of military up front (two dudes and one chick kept interrupting, even after I compared them to Billy Zane and the iceberg to my Titanic).  And I probably dropped 6 F bombs, far exceeding my promise of zero.  But everyone else gave me the same compliment after the show, “Great stuff and I wanted to kill those two tables,” which a few times came from guys who were also in the military.  I hope someone got a Code Red for talking through my show.

Thursday – Coyote Ugly and CD Sales

On Thursday I began my stretch of featuring when headliner Jeff Dye arrived.  Worked out at Planet Fitness – this is the “no judgment” gym.  You know what we need more of in gyms? Judgment. First – women, nothing says awful self esteem than walking into a Planet Fitness or a Curves – if these are the only gyms you feel comfortable in then just get an eating disorder – there is more dignity in it.  On the flip side, dudes who come to Planet Fitness with arrogance also need to go.  To the dude I saw with a gallon water jug – this is usually a douche move in a regular, judgment-filled gym, but in a Planet Fitness – unforgivable.  This should be a gym of convenience, not a gym where you hide your problems or strut like you own the place.

Anyway Thursday’s show was a great crowd, largely because the San Antonio Coyote Ugly was having their Christmas party. Now if I told you twenty scantily clad women in their 20s from Texas, with more tattoos collectively than the 2009 Denver Nuggets were at a comedy show you would probably say, “Yikes, that is going to be an awful show,” but nothing could be further from the truth.  Perhaps because of the semi-stripper nature of their job, they had a respect for performance and never made a peep except for laughter.

But the best moment was when a guy who had been at the show on Wednesday showed up again with his wife/girlfriend and two other friends, based solely on how strong I’d been on Wednesday.  No greater compliment in comedy than repeat business.

To cap a great first two day run I sold out of almost all my CDs on Wednesday and Thursday.  So of course I went to sleep that night angry that I did not bring more.  Glass is always half empty and broken with jagged edges to cut you for me.

Friday – The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema and Another Woman Calls Me A Fu*king Asshole

The highlight of Friday was unquestionably going to see Sherlock Holmes at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema.  This is the best theater I have ever been to.  You can order food and drink during the movie.  I know there are other places like this, but the menu was huge and the stuff I ordered was delicious.  The movie was ok, but I would see a terrible movie there just to go to the theater. Which I did the next day when I watched The Sitter with Jonah Hill.

The early show Friday was great, but the late show was dreary.  And there was a woman who would not shut up.  I gently insulted her and she playfully yelled, “I can take it!” She then called my sweater a Christmas sweater (it is Navy Blue – no patterns, design, anything – just blue) and then when she went to the bathroom I took about 40 seconds out of my routine to sarcastically beg her to come back until she left.  This must have pushed her over the edge because she said nothing the rest of the show.  However, when she and her party left towards the end of the headliner’s set, he asked where they were going and she replied, “You are fine, but the guy before you was a fu*king asshole!” I then started clapping from the back of the showroom.

Oddly enough I sold zero CDs after selling a ton the first two nights.  I then went home, watched the previews for pay per view porn films and fell asleep.

Saturday – The Stood Up Chick At The Stand Up Show

As I already mentioned I went to see The Sitter on Saturday and nothing else really happened.  The shows Saturday went great, both of them.  Weird thing transpired towards the end of the show.  An attractive woman approached me (normally it is  not the case, because I think women assume because I am the poor man’s Rock physically and the poor man’s Adam Sandler monetarily that I am fair game for their so so looking friend) at the bar outside the showroom as she was leaving the bathroom to go back into the showroom.  She said she thought I was really good and wanted to ask me a question.  When a question is prefaced like this it means only one thing, “Do I have a girlfriend?”  I replied yes, but like a pro she said, “Oh that must be really difficult travelling all the time.” I replied, “Sometimes, but fortunately I am not very successful so I am home more than I want to be.” She replied, “I got stood up tonight.” And I said, “Well that guy is an idiot – sorry to hear that.” She then left and went back into the showroom.

After the show I sold a few more CDs and then the stood up woman walked out. With her date.  Not that it would have made a difference, but what exactly was her plan?  Did she want a good rogering in the bathroom and then would claim that she just met this guy with twenty minutes left in the show?  Very weird and very awkward.

Sunday – No Chick Fil A & 1 CD left

Sunday’s crowd was the second smallest of the week, but the best overall.  Great great crowd and I sold my one remaining CD.  I think Philadelphia in May may have been the last time I felt this good after a week of comedy.  I had 6 great shows and one where I got called a fu*king asshole, which is a great way to sacrifice one show.  Ate Chick Fil A and cheesecake until my heart started hurting, and worked with some great comics and a great staff at LOL.

Epilogue

This was my last paid gig for 2011.  And looking at my 2012 calendar it appears the Mayans were talking about my career when then predicted the end of the world.  So off to the gym – time to start planning for my life after comedy, which apparently began two days ago.  Starting in January you can catch me on the Righteous Prick podcast on iTunes every Tuesday, J-L’s Movie Life movie review show on YouTube every Monday and on this blog every Wednesday and Friday.  Additionally, my new CD arrives in late January.  Thanks for a good year and for reading this blog and watching my comedy.

 

Blog

Golden Globe Breakdown

It should go without saying that I have some issues with today’s Golden Globe nominations.  We will keep this between the best picture and best televisions show categories.

 

Best Picture – Drama

The Descendants – agree, one of my favorite movies of the year.

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=3074

The Ides of March – agree, one of my favorites.

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2952

The Help – A good movie, but a best picture nominee?  Oh right, this year’s white guilt/white power entry (admittedly much better than The Blind Side).  Absolutely not a best pic nominee.

Moneyball – a good movie, went long though.  This is the “thank God they did not nominate Drive” slot.  I would not have nominated it, but it was solid for the most part.

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2915

War Horse – haven’t seen it yet. Not out yet.

Hugo – bored me to fu*king tears, but it is a movie by Martin Scorsese and is masturbation material for cinephiles.  Might be the most overrated movie of the year.  I fell asleep. Only the second time in my life that happened,

BESY DRAMA SNUBS – Thank God Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy was not nominated (who knew the spy world was so fu*king dry and boring).  The only movie I really loved that is not nominated in this category was Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  I know it had no chance, but the movie was great (I thought it might have a shot at a District 9 type nomination)

Best Comedy Picture

This is the category that the Globes force every movie they want nominated into the category.

50/50 – one of my top 5 movies of the year up to this point.  Really good movie and very respectable choice

Bridesmaids – a good comedy, but in the year of “Females Can Be Funny” articles this is a no brainer. My only complaint on this one was that many of the jokes were over done (i.e. 4 punchlines – hilarious, 7 punchlines – diminishing returns). No beef with the nomination (though in my reivew you will see me bash the preview for Warrior, which turned out to be really good)

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2434

The Artist – will see this and will definitely win based on all the buzz

My Week With Marilyn – have not sen it. Will see it. Not a comedy or musical. Foreign press is stupid.

Midnight In Paris – a nice movie, but pales in comparison to Woody Allen’s bleaker views of humanity (it is no Annie Hall on the comedy scale and it is definitely no Crimes and Misdemeanors – my favorite Woody Allen flick).

SNUBS – Where the fu*k is Crazy Stupid Love?!!  My favorite comedy of the year.  Great heart, great comedy, great performances, not a dull moment.  One of the best movies of the year.

BEST TELEVISION DRAMA

Game of Thrones – second best show on television – damn right!

Boardwalk Empire – no problem here

Boss – this is the show with Kelsey Grammer on Starz.  No idea, but someone should penalize Kelsey Grammer for Frasier – the most overrated comedy of all time.  Apparently he plays a corrupt mayor with cancer – ahem I guess they won’t forget the best show with a guy with cancer, right? Or did they pick the wrong show with a terminally ill lead?

Homeland – everyone is masturbating to this not-quite-early 24 Showtime show.  A great premise but episodes have been hit and miss for me and Clare Danes is a shit actress (her bug eyes have been vying for an Emmy every second she is on camera).  The show is not bad, but I think people are a little too gaga for it.

American Horror Story – had no interest in this, but will catch up on it – I have heard good things.

SNUBS – Where the fu*k is Breaking Bad?  Golden Globes never nominated The Wire, so you are in good company BB.  The best show on television by an Usain Bolt margin.

BEST COMEDY SHOW

Enlightened – new HBO show – I will now do some serious On Demand watching to see if it is good

Modern Family – slipping, but still very funny – no problem

Episodes – GREAT – really really funny show on Showtime – good choice

Glee – seriously, get the fu*k out of my face – I’d gladly accept Louie in its place. 🙂

The New Girl – Zooey Deschanel is a pair of brown eyes from being homeless – I loved 500 Days of Summer so she has some credit in the bank with me, but the New Girl is not very good (the best episode by far was the pilot which had Damon Wayans Jr. – who then went to Happy Endings) – it feels like a hipster comic was asked to write a sitcom for CBS – that weird blend of quirky and crappy.  There are people who Hollywood have been inexplicably trying to make a star – one is Ryan Reynolds, two is the lead actor on Hawaii Five-O and the third is Zooey. Stop it.

SNUBS – Parks and Recreation, Two Broke Girls could and should replace Glee and The New Girl.   When Community is good it is great, but every third episode falls flat for me so not consistent enough.

TOMORROW CHECK OUT MY REVIEW OF THE NEW SHERLOCK HOLMES MOVIE AND THEN MONDAY I WILL RECAP MY ADVENTURES IN SAN ANTONIO.

Blog

Minnesota Recap – Cold Weather, Warm Reception

My headlining stint was a rousing success at Joke Joint in Lilydale, MN (a few miles from St Paul – one of the twin cities, so Lilydale is like the chick that St Paul has sex with when Lilydale thinks it is actually having sex with Indianapolis).  Of course on this blog, the phrase “rousing success” is a relative term.  It means I had three really excellent shows, one decent one and one that was eh.

Joke Joint is a comedy condo club, meaning that you live in an apartment that the club owns or rents, versus a hotel.  But unlike most condos, the Joke Joint one was pretty damn cozy.  It features a full kitchen stocked with snacks (and tons of bottles of 5 Hour Energy – in case the headliner is a raging douchebag), a television and DVD player and two bedrooms – one for me and one for soon-to-be dead hookers.

Being a big walker and non-owner of a car I like when accommodations are near eating and shopping areas.  Well, the condo was a mere 1.7 miles from a Walmart/Panera Bread/etc. and considering that I once walked 4.1 miles each way in a suburb of Denver to see a movie each day, this was no problem.  Except that was Denver in springtime.  This was Minnesota in Winter (think Game of Thrones and how terrified those dues are of Winter).  Each walk would start with me having a penis and by the time I arrived at Panera Bread I was using the women’s bathroom and removing a finger dead from frost.

I managed to see one movie while in Minnesota.  The feature – a woman named Wendy – was given the unenviable task of chauffeuring me to and from the shows each night agreed to bring me along to the movie she was seeing with the two teenage daughters of a friend.  Of course this felt like some sort of set up.  I thought I was getting Silvio Berlusconi’d.  But something far more offensive was to happen. We went to see Hugo.

I was lukewarm on Hugo.  On the plus side it was directed by Mr. Eyebrows Martin Scorsese and has been receiving rave reviews.  On the downside I had no real fu*king interest in it.  But the critical mass was so good that I decided I wanted to see it.  Whoops.  Here in as concise a fashion as possible is my summary of Hugo:

  • Well acted
  • Boring
  • Really boring
  • Fell asleep boring (literally)
  • Nice looking movie
  • Takes place in Paris, every actor (both English and American so it was intentional) using British accents
  • Long
  • Too long
  • Never cared very much about the characters
  • Every revelation of past events that have led our characters to be the way they are fails to deliver as much significance – it is as if JJ Abrams decided to direct a boring family movie (and critics – please stop calling this a family film – no kid, let alone a kid from the ADD 21st century will enjoy this or have the patience for your ode to cinema)

But the point of this whole trip was not to see movies or experience shrinkage on an unprecedented level – it was to do comedy, or as I described it to the crowd to run a Ponzi scheme on myself.  And the crowds were really good.  The Thursday crowd and the two early Friday/Saturday crowds were great.  Enthusiastic, smart and great laughers.  The late show Friday was tough and featured a lot of Usain Bolts (this is what I call a person who sprints out of the showroom, for fear that even looking at me may force them to acknowledge my existence or buy a CD).  The Saturday late show was tough, but still a net positive.  Here is one of my favorite newer bits I dropped on the crowds:

So I managed to sell a few CDs, got a lot of laughs, avoided junk food at the airports (Midway one of the underrated airports in America – can’t beat Potbelly for airport food!), did not get arrested, did not die in a plane crash and immediately sent every penny I made to the credit card, phone and cable companies!  Comedy!  Thank you to the fellow comics, staff and audiences at Joke Joint.