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Aging Gracelessly

Brett Favre has become a big joke to many sports fans with his inability to stop playing football and pronounce his name correctly.  This is often the case with great athletes, unable to hang up the cleats or sneakers or skates because their lives have had no other real goal or purpose other than excelling at sports.  But that is excusable in a sense because to attain the level of excellence they have achieved they had to be single minded from a young age and dedicated beyond reason to get where they are.  Sort of like Michael Jackson minus the all the abuse.

But it seems to me that from Facebook and fantasy sports to Harry Potter and plastic surgery our culture is obsessed with staying in our teens and twenties no matter what.  And to compensate for this, we’ve begun to add the words “classic” and “historic” to things that have not really obtained classic or historic status in any objective sense of the word.  Harry Potter is not a “classic” as is printed on the book covers.  And unlike its true classic predecessors, The Lord of The Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia, which have withstood a test of time, Potter has no deeper meaning or societal commentary that is usually necessary for something to gain elevation beyond pop relevance.  But to justify our culture’s unwarranted obsession with things puerile and fleeting we tag them with words like classic so that instead of feeling vapid we feel like part of something important.  And boy do we live in a golden age of importance!

Ipod now refers to the regular iPod as “iPod classic” – how many decades was Coca Cola in business before they threw classic on their beverage.  Watching the E! channel against my will yesterday I heard Ryan Seacrest make a bold proclamation that the cast of Dancing With The Stars this Fall was the largest in the show’s “History! ” It just seemed to cheapen the word History.  I think of History in terms decades and centuries, not in terms of a few television seasons.  To say nothing of the fact that the word “star” is still a misnomer for this show.

At this age I was already "classic" in today's terms. As opposed to the bow tie look, which was and is classic in the more traditional sense.
At this age I was already “classic” in today’s terms. As opposed to the bow tie look, which was and is classic in the more traditional sense.

Fame has always been fleeting and cheap, but even by that low standard it feels like we are actually living through a time where the value of celebrity is being downgraded.  If he had known what we know now Andy Warhol might have re-stated, everyone will get their 2-3 seasons of fame.  Like the Kardashians.

But to quote DeNiro from Heat, there is a flip side to this coin.  While older people are trying to resist maturity, their kids, left under the watchful and protective eyes of cell phones and the Internet, are in a hurry to leave childhood.  I watched Big yesterday, the film with Tom Hanks.  And in it he plays a 12 year old boy who likes playing with toys and does not know much about girls, etc.  It was a fun, humorous film and completely unrelatable to kids today.  Nowadays to get a kid to act like that and have the audience believe it, it would have to be a 7 year old, because by 12 Josh Baskins c. 2009 would be sexting on his iPhone and encouraging Elizabeth Perkins to do that thing he saw in a porno.

If I were to make a satirical film about the future it would just feature a society filled with people who looked 24 – some would be 13 year olds trying to look and act older, neglecting the fun and innocence of youth; others would be 58 trying through surgery and fashion to look younger and neglecting the wisdom and quality that can come from a long and fulfilling life.  Then there would be a group of 24 year olds going, “What the fu-k is going on?”  And it will star Seth Rogan playing all three since he is the only actor in his 20s who acts like a teenager, but looks much older than he actually is.

The Empire State Building was built around 80 years ago in 14 months.  I look around Manhattan and see buildings one-fifth the size taking five times as long to build.  Technology serves a legitimate function, but I feel like our culture in general is taking major steps backwards, while the bells and whistles of technology give us the appearance of progress.  As my Uncle is fond of saying, “Don’t confuse movement with action.”  Right now it feels like our culture is making a lot of movement, but not much action.

Now back to my Nintendo Wii.

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Birmingham Show 5 – Night at the Apollo

Yesterday was a really good day.  I sent out my first round of petitions for bookings, read a little, finally made it to the gym for a good workout and ate healthy.  It was Saturday so I expected the best show of the week.  I would give Tuesday, Thursday and Friday thumbs up with only Wednesday being sort of dead for me.  Feeling good I went to the club ready to kick ass.  Then the wheels sort of fell off.

I gave the sound guy my iPod so he could play Sexy Back for me (like Church and the Democratic party women are my largest fan demographic has been women down here I figured I’d get them in a happy mood with some Timberlake).  Well as an omen of bad things to come, the sound guy managed to hit something wrong and play an incredibly awkward slow jam.

So my first set of jokes were all going well, despite two tables to my left that literally did not stop talking during the show from start to finish.  Then I lost the crowd on two jokes that I did not expect to lose them on.

  1. “I’m Catholic – any Catholics out there?  (woo from about 10% of the crowd) Well, I should be honest I am half Catholic – devout Catholic from the waist up, complete atheist from the waist down. (lots of delayed laughter).  I actually went to confession recently, where you tell the priest all the bad sh*t you’ve done.  In movies they always use the screen so the priest doesn’t see you face to face.  But there is a face to face option that I prefer because I like to high five the priest after the really awesome sins.  But this priest kept pressing me, “Son, are those all your sins, are those all your sins and I had to tell him, well father, what goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas.”  I’ll admit this is a B joke, but it got a combination of confusion and silence as if I had just advocated blow jobs from 6 year old boys.
  2. Prison rape joke – biggest laugh I got on this was when I said “My anal virginity is the only thing keeping me from committing half a dozen felonies.  But there was a general unease during this joke (that has consistently done well for me for 4 years), which made me feel like I had suddenly been transported to Folsom Prison to be the opening act for Johnny Cash. 

After those two bits which took about 3 minutes total I lost larger portion of the crowd (most of whom must have been encouraged by the 2-3 tables that did not stop talking).  My difficulty is that I do not know how to deal with people disturbing the show – my only response is “WILL YOU SHUT THE FU-K UP!!!” which will help you lose the rest of the crowd.  What I wanted to say to the few tables (infer what you will) was “Do I look like a movie?… No, then why are you talking?” 

Then as the chatter built I could feel myself getting antsy.  Then as I went into my closing bit on half black people and Obama, something happened that has not happened since the massacre at Medgar Evers College for me over 2 years ago.  I started getting booed.  All it takes is a few cowardly tables out 400 people to ruin the show and for the first time my Obama impression did the comedic equivalent of blowing a save.  It was about 40/40 in closing shows on a high note until last night, regardless of what kind of set I was having.  Sometimes those Southern manners are great, but sometimes you need a self-policing NYC audience that will tell a heckler to shut the fu-k up so a comic doesn’t have to. 

I then got a Bronx cheer as I was leaving, to which I just smiled.  I have never felt more deflated after a show.  I literally felt like falling asleep in the Green Room because I had no energy.  I had no interest in going out to sell merchandise, but I had to, because if I don’t sell CDs/DVDs, the comedy terrorists win.  

So I went out there and literally stared down at least one person I knew was talking.  Not surprisingly, he wanted no part of a face-to-face encounter.  But then one guy came up to me and said – “You were great.  Don’t worry I got it.” Then I realized he was a black man dating a white women, so I joked with him that he just liked me for personal reasons not humor.  Then two people came out and bought my CD/DVD, so that was cool.  Bringing me to do or die tonight – sell 5 or else…

I handed out several business cards (never forcing on people) after the show and then as I approached the emcee’s card (he’s my ride around town) I noticed two of my cards on the rain soaked ground.  Fantastic.

Between congratulating me on a show and 20 paces to the parking lot these two people said, "Hey, you know what? On second thought, fu-k this guy."
Between congratulating me on a show and 20 paces to the parking lot these two people said, "Hey, you know what? On second thought, fu-k this guy."

Tonight is the last night in Birmingham.    Have to kill it.

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My Experiment With A Performance Enhancing Drug

My iPod playlist on steroids.

I have been asked once in my life whether I was on performance enhancing substances.  It was when I put on 35 pounds  and added 45 lbs to my bench press in 3 1/2 months my junior year of college.  That was just the result of eating about 5,000 calories a day and lifting for about two hours a day with two friends who were offensive lineman on the football team.   But beyond that my life has resembled a macrocosm of a wrestler’s season.

  • September 1997 – 205 lbs
  • September 1998-March 2000 – 240 lbs
  • May 2000 – 270 lbs (mentioned above)
  • September 2000 – 248 lbs (a bench warming beast in college hoops)
  • September 2001 – 240 lbs (1st yr of law school)
  •  June 2002 – 260 lbs
  • September 2002  – 232 lbs (body fat resembled law school, both too low)
  • September 2004 (start DA’s office) – 245 lbs
  • March 2006 – 284 lbs (career high – lesson: donuts are bad for you)
  • July 2007 – 233 lbs (proof that stress/increase in being mindfuc-ed + exercise = loss of appetite and good abs)
  • January 2008 – 265 lbs and dropping (Dominos + cupcakes + lifting + no cardio)

I am laying out this time line so that I do not have to make any A-Rod excuses for any increase in jacked-ness that occurs over the next fewmonths (even though I still will claim to be immature and amateur and stupid well into my forties).  But as I close in on the age of 30 (thank God I’m not a woman or that would be scary!) I am realizing that my ability to shed weight like a leper or a diabetic will become tougher and tougher so I think this has to be the last time I pull this sh*t.  So now what do I do to get back down with keeping in my all natural approach?  The iPod playlist has become my performance enhancer and I am going to share it with all of you now so that you can take your workouts to the next level.  And people keep telling me about The Secret (envision your future success and you will have it – a/k/a horsesh*t).  Here is what I listened to in the weight room today and my corresponding visions:

  1. 8 Mile – Eminem (perfect montage for an aspiring comedian – I will go for comedy no matter what – hooray!)
  2. American Idiot – Green Day (me in a lawyer suit)
  3. Flashing Lights – Kanye West (“she don’t believe in shooting stars, but she believes in shoes and cars” – no, only positive thoughts, remember!)
  4. Live Your Life – T.I. (yeah, you are going to make it – Jesus, I am getting Fu-king corny)
  5. Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey (I have reached my destination – fully immersed in the cornfield)
  6. The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning – Smashing Pumpkins (this is a cool song from the Watchmen preview – I wonder if I’ll ever be in a movie – this song sounds like the apocalypse – why did that old bit*h just steal my spot on the bench?)
  7. Forever – Chris Brown (poor Rihanna, well maybe she’s a bit*h, dark place – yikes – next song)
  8. Invisible – Clay Aiken (what the fu-k? how did that get in there – did that chick see Clay Aiken’s picture on my iPod?)
  9. Light On – David Cook (finally an American Idol I can be proud to have in my iPod. I think.  song about leaving loved ones for life on the road.  life on the road will be lonely, but at least I will be working.  does an open mic in the west village tonight count as life on the road?)
  10. Proud Mary – Tina and Ike Turner (“Left a good job in the city”  Yes I did!  Well, technically I was going to leave a good job in the city, but a few months earlier the good job in the city said, “why don’t you stop workin’ for the man every nigh and day.  we insist.”)
  11. Hurt – Johnny Cash (imagining a painful second divorce later in life when my successful comedy is winding down)
  12. The Wrestler – Bruce Springsteen (not going to give up the ending of the movie, but let’s just say I am seeing the end of my comedy career)

With this playlist I am pretty sure I will get back into shape and have a wonderful comedy career that eventually ends in loneliness and despair with Marisa Tomei ditching me at New York Comedy Club.  Let’s hope The Secret is as bullsh*t as I think it is.