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Wake Me Up When September Ends

A lot of big things in September that can potentially lead to incremental success as a comedian or months of bitter regret.  I have not done any new writing since returning from Denver in a hopes to avoid what is often the death-knell for me in any audition/competition in the past.  It goes something like this: I think of a funny premise, which will be funny in a month, a week before an important show.  I then say to myself – this is my best joke!  I then do it and it ruins part of a set that would have been good, but for the prematurely born joke.  I then punch inanimate objects and write about my frustration.  Not this year.  Here are my upcoming trials:

The Boston Comedy Festival – August 30th-September 6th.  This is aspirational.  If I am performing on September 6th it will have been a success.  If I am not angry on September 7th it will have been a huge success/possible miracle.

I have not made the finals in Boston in 5 years and Aaron Boone no longer comforts me.
I have not made the finals in Boston in 5 years and Aaron Boone no longer comforts me.

An Obamacare Tale– We just finished filming my latest spoof/video and not only do I think this will be the best, but also actually semi-relevant.  Imagine a health care town hall with all the worst elements of Obama haters, then imagine a guy who looks like Beck playing Joe Biden and the best Obama impression you’ve ever seen by a member of my family.  Then model it after the scene in A Bronx Tale where Chazz Palminteri beats up a group of bikers.  What do you have?  A video that should go viral and be on Olberman’s Countdown and launch my new career as SNL’s Obama.  What will it actually get – 14 Facebook comments and 500-600 hits.  But it should be up this week and will make me momentarily happy.

What happens when the town hall gets our of control for Obama?  An Obamacare Tale... coming soon.
What happens when the town hall gets our of control for Obama? An Obamacare Tale... coming soon.

San Francisco Comedy Competition September 9, 2009 – November 4, 2013– This is a prestigious comedy competition that lasts for a very long time if you are good/lucky.  I hope to go far (it actually ends October 3, 2009 – see Boston Comedy Festival above for similar description).   I have never been to San Francisco, but I hear it’s a nice city.  I am sure I will enjoy my friend’s couch and the nearest 24 Hour Fitness club and Starbucks.  But don’t worry, I will tell everyone that it is awesome when I return, the way people returning from Europe trips show how much they were changed by experiencing Europe by saying things like Barthelona.

Hope to have good news to report in September/October.  Probably will be more entertaining if I don’t.  Stay tuned.

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Rocky Mountain High

Last night completed a great set of shows at Wits End Comedy Club, just outside of Denver.  I sold a career high 13 CDs over the course of the 5 shows, so now I can finally achieve that dream of paying my cable bill this month.  But I have never had a streak of good shows on the road like these.  And I was at this club two years ago and I did well, but it is true what bookers, club owners and evaluators of comedy talent say, both the genuine ones who really do see your potential and the lying manipulative ones who just hide behind it without giving you a fair shake – there is no substitute for time and experience as a comedian.  These shows were so much better than the ones I did two years ago so it feels gratifying to have hard work pay off.

So other than seeing and feeling great improvement as a comic, here are my other highlights from my Denver trip:

  • Being offered to smoke up with an attractive young lady and her friends after a show.  Sorry young lady – you can take the comic out of the DA’s Office, but you can’t take the DA’s Office out of the comic.
Thanks young lady, but my body is a temple of low carb protein shakes and late night fast food.
Thanks young lady, but my body is a temple of low carb protein shakes and late night fast food.
  • Having a single mom come up to me after the show and tell me how funny it was hearing my jokes about dating a single mom, while her boyfriend looked on with a look that said, “I can’t use comedy as an outlet, so how do I deal with this kid? Please help me!”
  • A woman came up to me after the show and said her son;s father is black (she was white) so she found all my multiracial humor very funny.  I told her that her son could now grow up to be a comic.  She said, no his father left us.  So I said, oh so your son could be president.  She laughed.
  • Denver is absolutely beautiful and is much more conducive to walking and running than say, Birmingham, Alabama.  Colorado is known for being a pretty fit state and the fact that there are sidewalks and bike paths seemingly every where makes sense.  Contrast that with Alabama where everyone was either pretty or fat and I did not see a sidewalk in my time there.  You have to drive to cross the street there (or run across the highway like I did) whereas in Denver I was able to run 4 miles to the gym and walk almost 5 miles to a movie theater without fear of getting run over by a motor vehicle.
Denver to Birmingham: More sidewalks in your city will equal fewer guys like this in your city.
Denver to Birmingham: More sidewalks in your city will equal fewer guys like this in your city.

Looking forward to returning to NYC today, but this was a great trip.  Thanks Denver and Wits End.

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Denver – The Sunshine State & The Economics Of…

Is quoting Old School out of style?

Tomorrow I fly out to Denver to feature for six shows at a mid-size club.  Despite the glamour you may infer from my frustrated rants about performing in different places, losing comedy competitions,  not getting booked enough and missing out on television opportunities I assure you, life as a comedian is no party.  As I prepare for Denver here is an anticipated breakdown of my sharecropping like experience as a feature comedian.

An artist's rendering of my comedy career.
An artist's rendering of my comedy career.

Pay for 6 shows – $400

Flight to Denver – Jet Blue – $330.00

Air Train round trip to JFK and back – $10

Gym Fees – $0 (fortunately there is a 24 Hour fitness less than 2 miles from the club – yet another reason for me to endorse this awesome gym)

Meals – $30/day (3.5 days)

Additional meals cost because I am a fu-king giant – $25/day

Cost of travelling to a Obamacare town hall meeting in Denver to assault old Republicans – $25

I can take you and your three other Golden Girls.  But first let me take your Medicare since you don't want it.
I can take you and your three other Golden Girls. But first let me take your Medicare since you don't want it.

Number of CD/DVDs I must sell at $10 a piece to break even – 16

Chances of appearing at the club again without a bump into headlining for actual financial incentive – 0

Making people laugh for 6 shows – not priceless, but worth more than $400

If I have WiFi in the club-provided apartment then expect some updates on my trip.  Otherwise follow them on Facebook or Twitter.  Or go fu-k yourself.