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Top 10 Teams Likely to Frame Players for Murder

The Aaron Hernandez saga has gripped the sports world and has almost made some people realize that, even if Lebron James is still the worst human being alive for leaving Cleveland, there are other athletes who are almost as bad.  Aaron “Not one murder, not two murders, not three murders…” Hernandez has raised the football player/murderer game to a whole new level.  Rae Carruth and Ray Lewis were merely Magic and Bird to Hernandez’ Jordan (for this analogy OJ will be Kareem Abdul-Jabbar).  As the stories and details roll in, let us not forget that the Patriots cut Aaron Hernandez, which I am sure sent shock waves through the fantasy football community.  This got me thinking, what other teams might see the murder-charge-as-way-to-cut-player way out of some bad situations?  So here are my (relatively East Coast centric, I don’t know much about hockey contracts, etc.) top ten teams likely to frame a player for murder list.  Enjoy!

1. NY Yankees – A-Rod.  At this point the Yankee fan base and organization has turned on him so hard that they would be willing to believe this.  Plus his contract might come up in the 2016 Presidential Election ahead of social security in terms of saddling the nation with long term debt.  Good news is Yankee Stadium is just a few blocks from my old stomping ground – the Bronx Criminal Court (or the Bronx Hall of Justice as it is actually called-  not sure which 9 year old or NYC comic book-loving comedian won the naming rights).

2. NY Knicks – Amar’e Stoudemire.  His contract sucks. His knees suck.  And he is a nice guy which means Carmelo Anthony is constantly fearful that teammates will pass him the ball for shots.  Those three factors make Amar’e a prime candidate for set-up.  Now his recently discovered Jewish roots might get him a family discount on some top notch legal defense work, but by the end of a trial he might be in a wheelchair anyway.

3. Cleveland Cavaliers – Delonte West.  Watching Lebron James win a second title reminds the Cavs of 2010 when Lebron magically forgot how to play basketball.  The big rumor was that Delonte West banged Lebron’s mother.  So instead of blaming “The Decision” blame “The Ejaculation.” Besides, as a tattooed, shotgun-wielding, bi-polar pro athlete, Delonte West makes the perfect target.  Hell, if you prove he is mentally retarded and in Texas or in Georgia they might execute him!

4. Boston Bruins -Tuukka Rask and Zdeno Chara .  A disappointing Finals for Chara and a crushing 17 seconds by Rask make these two the Bill Buckners of their time.  So expect a murder of Chara to be pinned on Rask or they may just go the murder -suicide route.  Rask, disappointed by Chara’s defense offs Chara, but then feels guilty and offs himself.

5. Dallas Cowboys – Tony Romo.  Secretly Jerry Jones knows he messed up putting so much faith in Romo, but he cannot admit failure.  Instead, pin a murder on him and cut him right away. Simple.  Save face (not literally – all the plastic surgery has ruined that for Jones) and get rid of Romo at the same time.

6. Los Angeles Angels – Josh Hamilton.  I’m thinking a vehicular manslaughter (try to get Hamilton behind the wheel and claim a relapse to substance abuse) or you just throw a criminally negligent homicide at him next time he throws a ball to a fan who dives for it and dies.  Otherwise Rangers will be stuck with his horrible contract and the next A-Rod.

7. Phoenix Mercury – Britney Griner.  Forbes lists a WNBA franchise as slightly less valuable than a Subway franchise, but assuming the Mercury have insurance on Griner, pinning a murder charge on her might trigger a provision that yields far better financial results than a giving a bunch of day camps free tickets to WNBA games.

8. NY Mets – Jason Bay. Sure he is off the team, but the Mets are a sad franchise and probably still harbor ill will against Bay who stunk up Queens.  Besides Bay is Canadian I believe so maybe you can mix in some enemy combatant charges along with a murder charge and just know that he will disappear forever.

9.  Brooklyn Nets – Joe Johnson.  With a Russian owner I would simply call this move Eastern Conference Promises.  Nets Owner, Mikhail Prokhorov, knows where the bodies are buried and to free up cap space to get the Nets into a top 3 seed to challenge Miami he will need to pin one of those bodies on Joe Johnson.

10. Charlotte Bobcats – Entire Team.  Michael Jordan is the meanest man in sports and probably looks at Aaron Hernandez’s growing body count the way he watches Lebron collect Finals trophies: “Nice start, but not close.”  So with a horrible team what is stopping Jordan from pulling a move out of Unbreakable and sending the whole team plane down.  “They used to call me Air Jordan…”

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

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Kobe Beef

Last night I watched the Boston Celtics get out-hustled and out-played by the Los Angeles Lakers.  As if it wasn’t enough to see Kobe Bryant have a solid game I was forced to swallow my own vomit several times as I watched Sasha Vujacic and Jordan Farmar make quality contributions.  Rumor has it in the off-season they will be filming a buddy cop flick called Euro Trash and Shrek Ears.  But as much as Kobe has played the villain in my NBA story for the last 4 years, last night it got personal.  Because of the Laker victory, they will now play Game 7 on Thursday, my first night in Atlanta at The Punchline.

The Punchline is a big club and a chance for me to atone with Southern audiences for a minor debacle in Birmingham last Summer.

Backstory – Last Summer I featured at The Stardome, a huge club owned by some nice people.  6 of the seven shows went somewhere in the B- to B+ range, but one show, the Saturday show led to only the second time I have been boo’d on stage (the other time being Medgar Evers College in Brooklyn – a disgrace to higher education and the Civil Rights’ Leader’s memory, whose student attendees thought it was “boo every comedian that dares step on stage – like Amateur Night at The Apollo, without the credit of The Apollo. To put it in television analogies – if my comedy career was the show Homicide – Medgar Evers College would be Adeena Watson).  I said nothing offensive at The Stardome – I was just neither BET nor rednecky enough for the racially diverse, intellectual bottom feeders that occupied a few of the tables at the club that night.

So going to Atlanta was to be a bit of redemption for me and I actually booked the gig on the strength of my Always Be Funny/Glengary Glen Ross spoof video, which also restored my faith that YouTube was not entirely useless for my career.

But then the Lakers won because they seemed to finally discover that Rajon Rondo has the jumpshot of Shaquille O’Neal.  So that means Thursday night’s show will be empty of just about all basketball fans.  Now my routine has very fewbasketball references in it, but there is a correlation between people who are aware of basketball and people who enjoy my comedy.  Those people will not be there Thursday because Kobe & Co. won.  So who is going to be there Thursday night?  Southern comedy fans who do not like basketball.  Hmmmmmm, I just hope after the show I don’t have to tell anyone, “In New York they call me Missssster Cauvin!”

But the obvious point is that Kobe Bryant is to blame.  (I just wish LeBron James was at Game 6 and walked up to Kobe a la Maximus to Commodus in Gladiator and said, “The Time for honoring yourself will soon be at an end.” Because Kobe should know that when the LeBron James era will begin the moment LeBron gets a teammate(s) that is/are not terrible or fu*king his Mom…

Sidebar – For those of you that do not know – LeBron James mother is rumored (strong rumors) to have slept with LeBron’s bipolar, shotgun-carrying teammate Delonte West.  However, not a word has been uttered on this by ESPN , which is rather frightening.  My theory is that ESPN has marching orders from Nike not to say another word (what would ESPN be without Nike athletes and Nike advertising dollars?).  The story was discussed all over the Internet and on The Huffington Post, but not a peep from the premier sports news network in the world about one of the 10 most famous athletes on the planet?  Just makes you think if people including “The People’s Sports Reporter” Bill Simmons a/k/a The Sports Guy can be silenced (he gave a token – “absolutely false” comment on the story even though when I was in Cleveland everyone seemed to believe the story) by corporate titans (my friend Mike told me this has all the makings of a Michael Mann sports themed sequel to The Insider), what chance is there that news isn’t corrupted all the time by even bigger corporations (obviously it is).  And if you think this has nothing to do with sports – LeBron James disappeared against the Celtics after the rumors started flying, so unlike Tiger Woods’ Blasian fallace, LeBron’s story actually has sports-related salaciousness.

Back to Kobe- Is there anything more absurd than Kobe’s wife and future stripper daughters (when your Mom is a hot gold digger and your Dad is a wealthy rapist aren’t your employment prospects limited psychologically?) standing in the tunnel at halftime to greet him with adoration before he goes into the locker room?  “Look Nike and McDonald’s I am done with the butt rape and the cheating because here is my family right here.  But at the same time I am so driven to win that I take time out of halftime to greet my family?”  Anyone else’s wives or girlfriends meeting them in the tunnel?  Did Michael Jordan have Juanita waiting at halftime? No – he was too busy thinking about winning and killing the other team.  Now he might have had sex with his opponent’s wife in the tunnel as a competitive advantage, but he would never waste time to kiss his own wife mid-game.

So now for this horsesh*t I have to see potential fans not show up tot he first show in Atlanta.  It looks like me and the Celtics are going to have to put in a strong effort Thursday to make sure Kobe does not win.  Odds are the Celtics will have a tougher time than me.