Blog

Two Pieces of Unconventional, but Obvious Comedy Advice

A few years ago my then-girlfriend called many comedy clubs on my behalf (never representing herself as an agent or manager, but simply “calling on behalf of J-L Cauvin” to create an impression that someone besides me cared about my comedy career) soliciting work on my behalf.  She got several good responses, several non-responses and one from a manager at a major club that was meant to be rude and sarcastic.  His advice was that “[J-L] should dump his girlfriend, get in a car, travel the road for 2 years going to every club and one-nighter, change his name to something Jewish and start sucking dick.”  Now I took every piece of advice this manager offered, except changing my name because my Catholic faith is too important to me, but I thought today, based on a couple of irritating e-mails I received yesterday that maybe I could offer readers and comedians a couple of pieces of unconventional comedy advice.

Advice #1 – If you are a new comedian or a “soon-to-be” comedian, don’t send this to an actual comedian:

Some aspiring comedian (a guy who says he plans to be a comedian) wrote this exchange with me after sending me a friend request

STBC – I’m a soon to be comedian

J-L – Ahh

STBC  – Me as a comedian I have the whole package (reminder he is a guy who is planning to do comedy)

J-L – Congrats. Why are you telling me?

STBC – some have the talent to it but not business material not knowing and preparing well you can be talented you don’t know the business very well as a superstar

This was the entire exchange.  I understand people like this exist, but my advice is if you are a swaggering tool who has never picked up a mic, don’t email comedians you do not know telling them how great you are.

Advice #2 – Do not join a group of comedians if you are the only one with chops and/or ethics.

Yesterday I spent the whole day e-mailing clubs and schools for gigs.  I received an e-mail back from a school that I performed at twice as part of a group and the e-mail said “Oh no – we had no idea you were not still in the group when we re-booked the group.”  Never, I repeat, never join a group with unfunny people, no matter how industrious or friendly they appear to be, because if they do not have the chops to do comedy then they are just playing a money grab game.  And they will grab your money when they get the chance.  I’d name them and detail all their transgressions, but that wouldn’t do anything unless you want to track down some unfunny content from insignificant, amoral people. And who needs that?

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

Blog

Sons of Anarchy or The Walking Dead – Who…

In the wake of losing Breaking Bad I, like a lonely person after a break-up, have reverted to bad habits.  I wanted to give up on Sons of Anarchy for a variety of reasons. The first was once a biker gang was involved in international arms smuggling and getting in Civil War style battlefield escapades (but with rocket launchers), without a hint of law enforcement intervention I sort of had my eyes permanently rolled back in my head.  Then there was the burning of people alive.  And this season, in addition to the usual throat slitting and head bashing (this show is on basic cable – they cannot say fuck so they overcompensate with the word shit and insane violence – see this sketch as an example) there was a school shooting massacre by a 12 year old, which felt so out of place that it really just felt like the show’s creators said “I don’t think we are offending/shocking/repulsing enough people – PLOT AND SENSE BE DAMNED!”

On the other end of the living spectrum, but even further along on the violence spectrum is The Walking Dead.  The Walking Dead is like Breaking Bad’s dumber, sluttier, less attractive sister that I have decided to hook up with in an attempt to hurt Breaking Bad’s feelings.  Thanks to Netflix I have been able to “binge watch” The Walking Dead.  It is a show that I must admit, considering I bashed it for an entire podcast episode, that benefits greatly from the cinematic feel of binge watching.  I always maintained that the first season of Walking Dead was a strong season and that season two, for several reasons articulated on the podcast, was weak.  I actually enjoyed it a lot more on a second viewing (in two days), though my main complaints are still valid (lack of black people in Atlanta, Shane’s varying accent and enhanced physique despite wandering the earth in a gym-less apocalypse, etc).  But watching the show in the aggregate like that led me to see about 1000 head smashes, ligament tearings and eye gouges in a short amount of time.  The show really is incredibly violent and it is not restricted to “dead” people. As season 3 progressed (I am 4 episodes in) it seemed more slashes and rips and blood poured forth from living people.

The fact is with language restrictions and sexual restrictions still on basic cable shows it seems like the only envelope they push is violence and it is now pushed to the max.  I hate to sound like an old fogey (for the last time stop texting and walking!), but the violence on basic cable in these two shows is ridiculous.  I am just assuming that child rape is really the only place left to go.  And I am betting that Sons of Anarchy will be the one to do it.  It would make no sense on The Walking Dead, since most of the villains are zombies, though in season 2 a now-deceased character alluded to a roving gang that raped two teenage girls while their father watched.  But I think Sons of Anarchy is the show with the “courage” to actually showcase this as a climactic scene.  That show literally has nothing left to do except that when it comes to a checklist of awful things to show on basic cable, other than make Ariel Castro an honorary executive producer.  Either way I think we can all agree that the parents who bring their children in for that fateful/eventual audition should be arrested on the spot, or at least be featured in Bruno 2.

On a lighter note, it has inspired one of my new sketches for this month. Considering how crushing a skull to the point of hearing a brain get squished (that sound that sounds like moist fruit being stepped on) is the most in-demand sound in cable television (Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, Sons of Anarchy to name a few that now show that merely beating a guy to death just doesn’t get America hard without hearing the brain squish), my next sketch character will be the Spielberg of Skull Crushing Sound Effects.  Look for it in a couple of weeks, along with my Dante de Blaiso/Bill de Blasio parody.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

Blog

Minnesota Fats, Gary Matter and a Reverse Soul Bounce…

Last week I travelled to Minnesota for an old-fashioned fun week of road work (I call it old-fashioned because road work has become something of ancient lore for my calendar and bank account).  I was going back to the club that was first to give me a headlining weekend, the Joke Joint in St Paul, Minnesota.  It is a great little club with a friendly owner/manager.  In fact, unlike many comedy condos, the comedy condo at the Joke Joint is a welcome sight.  It is the second floor of the club owner’s house and is stocked with lots of homey amenities like a DVD player, bowls of candies and snacks and very clean (it is on his property so there is a major incentive to have it be more than just adequate).  But as it turned out, the owner had family in town so I ended up staying at the downtown St Paul Embassy Suites.  But I am racing ahead of myself.  This was days 2-4 of the trip. The first part was getting to Minnesota and going to the Black Bear Casino.

 

Part One: Cauvin’s 11

The first gig of the week was at the Black Bear Casino in Carlton, MN. I have done the casino before and it was solid the first time.  Rather than write out how the flight went, I will just provide you a few minutes form one of my sets at the Joke Joint to recap the flight.

When I arrived early afternoon I was picked up at the airport by Wayne, a local comedian who sort of resembles Drew Carey, if Drew Carey had served in the military and had some ink.  We drove north to Carlton and the Black Bear Casino made the mistake of giving me a $10 comp card to play on their machines.  I stuck it into a slot machine like a woman who had no idea she was about to be shamed.  I turned that $10 into just over $50 in winnings.  I kept looking over my shoulder for casino security to escort me out for taking them for all they could handle, but perhaps because I was “the talent” they let it pass.

I then went to the buffet (which was comp’d, once again, “the talent”) which was an incredible display of Middle America gluttony.  I saw so many obese people with 3 and 4 plates of food (and kept wanting to say “do you often bring 4 plates for yourself at home?  Then why are you doing it now? Have some shame!”) that it forced me to only have one dessert.  Then I went to entertain.  The show went great and I managed to sell a few CDs.  In summary – the house does not always win.

Days Two and Three – St Paul Laughs at an “Oaf”

The people of Minnesota have a well-earned reputation as being nice.  And after the first three shows the manager/owner of the Joke Joint only received one complaining e-mail where I was referred to as an unfunny “oaf.”  As someone who has a wealth of YouTube comments wishing death, AIDS and death cause by AIDS, I must say that being called an oaf is practically a compliment.  The shows did go really well all week, I sold almost all of my albums that I brought (Guns N Roses CDs were particularly popular) and was well-rested and relaxed.  So here are some random complaints I have about the area surrounding my Embassy Suites:

  • Jimmy Johns – I have seen many, never ate at one until now, out of necessity.  Great cookies.  Bad sandwiches – they sort of pretend to be a real deli, but that is just a front to pile on extras and condiments on to sandwiches which contain less and almost as slimy deli meats as Subway.
  • Dear Nice deli/diner/restaurant near the hotel (and the rest of America) – some people like Russian dressing for sandwiches.  Ranch Dressing is not a cure-all condiment and it is one of the many reasons we are a fat nation.

(See, not that many complaints)

Day Four: Gary Matter

If you are not a Breaking Bad fan, this is a play on Grey Matter – the company Walter White helped found and has regrets about because it took off after he left. In season one he is subjected to seeing their happiness and almost unlimited wealth as a reminder of what he felt close to achieving and is now very far from.  Similarly, on this day of my trip I ventured to the Mall of America where one of my favorite comedians (currently the #1 ranked tall comedian in America) Gary Gulman was headlining the House of Comedy.  We decided to meet up for lunch, and were instantly on par with Supreme Court Justices Warren Burger and Harry Blackmun as one of the most powerful partnerships ever forged in Minnesota (sorry Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer).

Gulman selected a restaurant called Firelake Grill House, which appeared to be a restaurant from the future.  I felt like a person in a futuristic movie like Elysium, seeing how the privileged class lives.  Outside the restaurant was a series of oddly shaped pieces of furntiture that no one could sit on. That is how you know it was fancy.  I met Gulman and a local comedian he was buddies with and we have a fun lunch.  It was full of television talk and some words on comedy.   I never got to pitch my idea to Gulman for an HBO-sponsored tour called PremaTour Ejaculation (which would be a prequel sort of tour to Tourgasm), where Gulman would headline with a series of less accomplished comedians on the bill.  It was good to hear Gulman’s thoughts on comedy and simultaneously inspiring and disheartening to know that ten years in Gulman was struggling too.  Sadly I may not have Gulman’s Gus Fring-like patience to build an empire over decades.  My Walter White bank account (meaning it has stage 3 Cancer, not piles of money from overseas drug dealing) necessitates me finding sources of hope and revenue sooner, rather than later.  Gulman then picked up the check, which was the Grey Matter-picking-up-the-health-costs-for-Walter moment.  Very generous of him, but also I now expect to see Gulman completely disavowing me on a Charlie Rose interview in to the future.

The shows went really great that night. Made some new fans, sold a bunch of CDs and got a whole 3 1/2 hours sleep before my “You can’t afford conveniently timed flights” 645 am flight out of Minneapolis.

Epilogue – Silent White People

So I arrived back in NYC exhausted, but with no time to waste.  I had a guest set at Gotham Comedy Club Sunday night that I was hoping would make a clean tape to submit to a few things.  Of course I was nervous – I assume people out for a show during the final two episodes of Breaking Bad do not share my values or sensibilities and I may have been right.  I went on stage and the first joke did well, second joke was OK, but a reference to the movie Mask fell flat (even if you have not seen the movie I thought Eric Stoltz’ face was pretty much a cultural reference point for ugliness). Mind you it did not fall flat for sympathy (like a series of “awwwww”s or some other reaction, but just did not register.  The third joke was the one that really bothered me.  In it I reference the proliferation of movies about rich, white superheroes. If comic books are supposed to be fantasies, why are half the dudes rich white guys?  That is how the world works anyway.  So the punch line is as follows (the bit is on my 2nd album Diamond Maker):

So why doesn’t DC Comics just go all the way and have their next superhero be Todd The Hedge Fund Douchebag. (silence).  He gets his superpowers from high fives and bottle service at clubs (a couple of awww’s and “hey!”s in mild disapproval).  Instead of a bat signal, when you need him you just flash a signal in the sky of a high priced escort being choked to death – “Hey bro, the city needs me!” (a few scattered laughs).

The final bit got several laughs with a call back to an earlier bit, but I could not shake the anger I felt to the crowd’s reaction (or lack thereof) to a joke that consistently does well for me.  And then I realized – the vast majority of the crowd, which was pretty sizeable for a Sunday night, was white (like 96% +).  It felt like a tony Connecticut crowd. And this is one of those things I have realized in my comedy travel. On the road you see a lot of white suburban crowds – including my shows in Minnesota.  And I have seen mediocre black comics get what I call the “soul bounce” – which is many all-white crowds tendency to give mediocre black emcees a sort of bonus for being unfamiliar and so “gosh darn entertaining,” solely(soully) because they are black.  But at the same time, lack of exposure does not always mean you harbor prejudices or ignorance and I felt that from many of the crowds in St Paul.  The flipside is just because you live in a diverse melting pot like NYC does not mean you get a pass on being a sheltered, ignorant ass.  And to me, living in Lilydale, MN (the actual location of the Joke Joint and the whitest name of a town in America) and not having a diverse show or group of friends is a lot less weird than living in NYC and self-selecting a group of like-minded, like-looking, like-everything group of friends, because implied in the latter scenario is not a lack off opportunity for diversity in your life, but more likely an outright rejection of diversity in your life.  And that is what went through my mind as the crowd offered more sympathy for the poor hedge fund workers I was poking fun at.  Half of the bros in the audience probably work in finance and half the women probably are or want to be married into finance so I guess I was reverse soul bounced – when a white looking guy bashes bastions of white privilege in front of a Wonder Bread audience it gets silence. Of course this might be over analysis by me, but I doubt it.

Other than that the set went well and I was greeted by the very funny Mike Vecchione off stage who said “Nice set and really funny shit on-line.”  That made me feel good and like a comic’s comic, which Richard Belzer once said meant “that comics like me and I have no money.”  I then went home and watched Walter White’s second to last episode and realized that there are worse things than having a so-so set, but then got jealous because those worse things have been made into the best drama on television.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday! This week’s episode is a discussion of Breaking Bad, Mariano Rivera and my new album.

Blog

4 Important Dates

I know 9/11 is the date we are supposed to Never Forget, but I would like to add four dates (they all take place in September so it should be easy) that you should put in your calendar:

September 17th – The debut of Tim and Aaron.  The pilot for CBS I shot this weekend, which takes place in a fictional world where accused murderer/tight end Aaron Hernandez is left under house arrest with unemployed Quarterback/2nd Coming Tim Tebow.  It is outstanding and will definitely be a big hit.  Here is the promotional shot for it:

September 23rd – this is when Dumb in the First Degree is supposed to finally launch on InvestigationDiscovery.com.  This is the web series where I co-host offering legal knowledge wrapped in humorous attitude. It was a lot of fun to make so hopefully they did not make me look like a (bigger) a-hole in post-production.

September 24th – Keep My Enemies Closer comes out on iTunes and other digital distributors.  This is the big one folks.  Buy it for yourself, for friends, leave nice reviews and spread the word.

September 30th – Heckler Seminar, my second September sketch comes out.  This is a great compliment to my well-received (within the comedy world) video Scared Straight.  It is an infomercial showing hecklers how to become better and dominate the comedy club experience.

So for two weeks I hope you can spare some attention, some shares/retweets/likes and a little bit of money.  Also – I guess I should have included September 29th – Breaking Bad finale as one of the dates.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday! This week’s episode – a debate/discussion about paying college athletes.

Blog

September JLComedy News

It is September and there is already bad news on my distraction front; the Yankees are tanking down the stretch (I don’t know how a horrible bullpen can be blamed on Alex Rodriguez, but I am sure the front-running masses of Yankee nation are trying to develop a theory); the Pittsburgh Steelers scored only 2 more points than me this Sunday to kick off what will probably be their worst season since the 1980s; and I finished Orange is the New Black on Netflix, a surprisingly enjoyable series that I found much more watchable than House of Cards, probably because of the lack of a syrupy Kevin Spacey southern accent (though I am going to give it another shot).  However, the 2013 plan of mine that started in April with the launch of my Louis CK parody video is now reaching its crescendo.  Here are some things I hope you will support, stay tuned for, etc. in the next couple of weeks:

  • Keep My Enemies Closer – my new album, officially coming out September 24th, but it may be out as early as 9-11 (Never Forget).  I have already been booked for interviews and reviews with some major comedy outlets and am hoping bigger things are still in the works.  Also will be appearing on various Sirius XM shows and Comedy 24-7 to promote it as well.
  • Dumb in the First Degree – My Discovery web series will finally go up this month.  The check already cleared so my mind is at ease, but this should be a nice boost for me as well (it is a 6 episode web series with me providing humorous legal analysis of criminals caught on camera).  Unlike a lot of hidden camera shows I actually drop some legal knowledge with my humor, rather than just wit.
  • 2 New Sketches – My two sketches (filming this week) are Heckler Seminar – an infomercial offering a class on helping stand up comedy audience members become better hecklers and Tim and Aaron – a mock-pilot of a CBS series about Tim Tebow and Aaron Hernandez.  I am confident Heckler will get several thousand views, but I have hopes that T & A could get into 6 or 7 digits of views.  Fingers crossed.
  • Weekly podcast and movie reviews and blogs will continue as usual.
  • Headlining the Joke Joint in St Paul, MN next week. Consult my calendar and tell any friends in the Twin Cities to go see me.

Let’s hope October is a celebration of a good September.

 

Blog

Guerrilla Album, Small Bits of Good News and Featuring…

Well this week has been an eventful one, even though I have not gotten the stage time I sought.  First let’s start with the bad news – not one, but two CD producers have passed on marketing Keep My Enemies Closer.  Upon listening to the album I was paid what I believe to be a compliment (but I could be wrong) from a producer saying “you seem to be the type that wants to blaze your own path…”  However, it will have to be another guerrilla production by yours truly.  Of course now I am armed with the best album of my career (by far), as well as a lot of increased exposure from various media forms, but it is still a disappointing, uphill climb to try and get bigger sales by pleading to be on podcasts, radio shows and hoping friends, fans and supporters get the word out (that’s your cue to get the word out).  I realize when you Do It Yourself (which I thought was the new model of comedy) folks in the comedy album business do not want you (or at least are not as enthused).  It seems the familiar model is they hook you up with upfront costs, bookings and recording equipment and then take a healthy slice of the sales money.  Now to comedians in my position who have the chops, but not the cash, the upfront part of the deal is hard to resist.  But I am doubly screwed because in addition to already handling all the upfront work (so no leverage for me to give up as much loot on the back end), this album is not easily molded into a role or a roster spot on a label.  This album is if Giraldo and Patrice had a baby and then left the baby at an orphanage and it grew up angry.  I am not accusing or suggesting anyone I pitched the album to had ulterior motives; maybe they just did not like it, but I give you my word as someone who tells you when I suck and tells you when I rock, this album is a fu*king beast.  The set rocked both the comedians in attendance and the strangers that wandered in not knowing what to expect.  And yes I know sharing my failures is not the best way to market an album, but this blog has always been truthful and I am telling you they are wrong (they may have valid reasons, but passing on this album is a mistake).

Tomorrow I film the promo video for the album (release date – 9/24/13), which if you know the following scene from Breaking Bad, should be very entertaining (or at last entertaining – I won’t be going make-up, etc. but the writing will be worth the watch):

But in other comedy news for fans or readers of mine, I am in the running for a web series movie review show (which would yield a nice weekly payday and free passes to movies, which would be a nice upgrade from unpaid and $14/week) and my web series with Discovery, Dumb in the First Degree (I offer humor and actual legal information regarding YouTube’s dumbest criminals), launches in two weeks, if not sooner.  Lastly, I got a W-9 from Official Comedy, which means my clip from The Stand, recorded this past Sunday, will air on their channel soon.   So that is the good news portion of the blog. Naturally it is short and without much editorial cheer.  Probably because I am still owed $500 from a group of comedians I toured with.

As far as gigs I have spots Friday and Saturday (both 8pm) at the Creek and the Cave in Long island City, as well as a headlining performance at the Muslim Brotherhood’s “Day of Anger” Friday in Egypt.  I think they want me to work clean, but to maintain my usual tone.  But this week was bereft of gigs because a) I don’t have management; 2) I am a little fatigued from all the work I have been doing and most importantly 3) I am house sitting my 82 year old father.  It is sort of like opening for him because everything from walking, to eating, to falling asleep I seem to do in less time and before him.   My Dad was always left leaning, except on certain hot topics (think elderly black man from a third world country – not a Glee fan) and what is weird is now that he is a little more physically and mentally weakened from his peak he just sounds like a mix of Chris Matthews and Michele Bachmann in a Herman Cain body.  Next week I will be selling highlight DVDs of my three day stint in Riverdale called Cane & Disabled.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday! This week’s episode was a fantastic one on stand up comedy with Josh Homer.

Blog

How Good Is Breaking Bad? Not Even YOU Can…

For most readers of this blog it is not news or a shock that I have a podcast where I trash, or at least debate, popular, trendy or oversaturated things in our culture.  As much as crushing them is fun, at least half the time it is not the thing itself, but the overwhelming and overdone reaction of fans to the thing in question that I am really trashing.  I don’t hate cupcakes, to use an example of an early episode topic, just the way every bored chick with money in 2012 in Manhattan seemed to be opening up a cupcake store trying to out-cute and out-trendy the last week’s cupcake offering.  And last night, as I saw how large the Breaking Bad fan base seemed to have grown on social media I feared Breaking Bad might suffer the same fate as many of my podcast topics: that the culture that now obsesses over something (or anything) as soon as it becomes cool would drain Breaking Bad of its cool from overuse and overexposure and in the process kill (or at least reduce) my joy in it (sort of like the old people in the movie Cocoon did to the cocoon).

I liked Breaking Bad when I could still tell people about it without annoying them (3-4 seasons ago).  Now everyone who has caught up on Netflix in the last 8 weeks is preaching the Gospel with all the annoyance of a born again crystal meth Christian. I was not quite John The Baptist (that was comedian Nick Cobb for me who got me on the show after season 1 had aired), but I was a relatively early and outspoken fan, while the cool kids were still sucking Mad Men‘s balls (do you STILL think Mad Men is better????).  But now it has become a “thing” which is when I start to hate stuff, even if it is not the stuff’s fault.

But guess what?

Breaking Bad is too good for social media or humans to ruin, no matter how hard they hashtag and pun their asses off about the show!  This is the true sign of greatness – delivering the goods (which the final season premiere certainly did) while simultaneously withstanding the surrounding douchebaggery of trendiness that usually makes me hate something.

Congratulations Breaking Bad.  You are truly great.  Now I just hope there is not a mad rush to watch Six Feet Under by assholes.

Today’s post is short because I am conserving my energy. I just started the Paleo diet and will be bidding adieu to processed foods, potatoes of all kinds and desserts that are not fruit salad.  So hopefully by January 1st I will have dropped 60 pounds or died because I will not be able to deal with any other outcome.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday! 

Blog

Comedian Trojan Horses: The People Who Trick Us on…

As a comedian (or as I prefer to downgrade myself – unpaid intern at comedy A/K/A The King of All Unpaid Media) I am pretty liberal with my Facebook friend add policy.  I rarely seek anyone out, but when added I usually say yes.  However, I have a few tests to not approve of you.  The first is if I check out your page and all it contains are comments from other people – either posting on your page or thanking you for the friend request. That means you are not real.  The second is if you are an attractive woman I have never met and are located in a place I have never been and if all your friends are men.  The third is if there are only symbols in your name.  One of the good ways to get me to click approve is if we have mutual friends and none of them are comedians (then you rate very high on the authentic human scale).  Another good way is if we have a lot of friends in common (meaning comedian) then have a picture doing something funny or have some statuses that indicate a human being is operating the account.  And of course proceeding a friend request with a “I think you are awesome” direct message leads to 100% of friend request acceptances.  However, these simple guidelines do not create a perfect Facebook experience.  This is because some people seemingly come in peace in “comedian” trojan horses; they offer an outward appearance of humor – either offering or appreciating – but then end up bomarding you with their real agenda that consistently affects your wall in an adverse manner.  Some might say I should block them from my newsfeed, but I say a) I will just unfriend – NO HALF MEASURES – IT IS BREAKING BAD WEEK; and b) it gives me the daily dose of hostility I need – like a multivitamin for my comedy.  So here are some of the people who use false pretenses to sneak into the comedy world on Facebook:

The Comedian Who Is Too Quick to the Fan Page Invite – Dude, I don’t know you.  You requested me as a friend and now you are inviting me to like your fan page?  And now I am seriously believing that your “friend” request was really just a plot to put me in the fan zone – like telling a chick you want to date, when all you really want to do is hook up.  I am not that kind of a Facebook user!

The Issue Person – Sure I have seen you at some mics or  yes there are a couple of photos of you on stage somewhere, but deep down you just really used a keycard into the comedy community to gain an audience for your single issue focus, that had I known about before accepting a friend request I would have clicked ignore.  If your posts are not 75% or more humorous (or at least attempts at humor) then you are lying to the Facebook community. #Feminsim #LoveReligion #HateReligion #Etc.

YouTube Person: The Guy/Girl Who Never Stops Posting Article, News Stories, Videos, Etc. – I have the Internet too.  Please stop throwing it all on my news feed.

Comedian Who Goes From Comedy Posts to Perspective Posts – One of the great things to see is when a comedian makes a jump from obscurity to some level above obscurity and shifts to a mentorship role (much like Walter White – they always had the desire to pontificate, but now they have worked hard and have the perceived stature to do so) in their statuses that no ones asked them to take on.  Just because a manager or agent bullied clubs to take you on, or risk losing bigger names on the agent’s client roster does not mean that you now possess pearls of wisdom or magical insights into success.  Just stick to the funny.  If I wanted that bullsh*t I would send friend requests to Tony Robbins and Joel Osteen.  For the record – I have been doing this consistently as a failure so no one can accuse me of flipping the script and turning into a know-it-all when I make it big.

Flavor Flavs – Do, say, or post something funny if you are a comedian. Do not just be hypemen/women for other comedians.  Or else change that name or place of employment from comedian to something else.  And then send me a fan page request for Dan Jones – middle school teacher.  That I would definitely click “like” on.

If you read this and see any ressemblance to yourself it is not a coincidence.  It probably just means I still think well of you in real life, but real life is irrelevant to the more important life on Facebook.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!  This week’s episode is all BREAKING BAD so subscribe or follow today.

Blog

Comedy Recap: Stalker, San Antonio and Montreal

San Antonio

I am writing this as quickly as I can from the San Antonio airport (which has fantastic free Wi-Fi) before I board my flight bound for JFK.  I have a busy three days until Thursday when I depart for the Cleveland Improv (hey 9-13 fans in the Cleveland area come to Thursday’s show to see me do a longer set!) so I am taking advantage of these final few minutes in Texas.  The second week in San Antonio got off to an inauspicious start, especially when “someone” called the club to complain about the blog.  According to a club employee, a “customer” called the club to say “I was going to come to the club, but then I read the blog by J-L Cauvin and will not be coming to your club.  I cannot believe you let him write things like that about your club.”  Now, on first glance this looks terrible – a customer complaining to a club about you is one of the worst things that can happen, especially if it is related to your behavior or actions and NOT your comedy.  However, with just a minimal amount of analysis I was able to break the code.

The caller was Bob Hellener (google the name, my blogs and a very unattractive picture should appear).  First it had to be someone who read my blog (it had around 150 hits according to Google analytics by the time the call was made).  It had less than 10 hits in Texas.  So what are the odds that one of these less than 10 people, PLANNING on attending the show, would go and read the blog of the FEATURE act, be offended by the description of the comedian apartment (nothing but compliments for the club in the blog) and refuse to attend the show because of that.  It would require a mentally ill human being if this were true… or a mentally ill comedian who secretly masturbates to my photos and blogs and listens to my podcast each week.  And that man’s name is Bob Hellener (an alias he chose because he is a universally hated and disrespected comedian).  But if you are a Bob Hellener fan, you can check out his recent Craig’s List ad where he asks for help to find a manager and/or agent (this is true and also a surefire sign of his self-proclaimed success in comedy).  So I guess with me blocking his e-mails and ignoring his pathetic trolling he has resorted to calling clubs to claim harm to try and hurt my career (you see Bob cannot work any clubs so he would never call them asking for work – just trying to harm the work of others).

The resolution of this story is that I had great sets all week and the club has made a decision to transition to a hotel (so I was told) from the condo in the future. But if I never work these clubs again (which is in their prerogative, but I hope that is not the case) the silver lining is that I have officially committed my first act of comedy martyrdom (that I know about).

As I said, the shows went well, but I was more struck by San Antonio.  On the plus side – the heat really is dry.  A 95 in San Antonio really is preferable to a humid NYC 81.  The city is diverse and the Emily Morgan hotel where I stayed was outstanding.  On the negative side, the city is covered in cellulite and tattoos.  Seriously 109% of the people under 45 have tattoos.  And there are even more tear tattoos than recorded homicides in Texas so some of those guys have to be liars (this is my plan if ever wrongly convicted for a crime – give me like 9 tattoo tears so I look badass in jail).  And people are fat and fatter.  I actually went late night to Whattaburger, which was quite tasty and said, “I need a plain hamburger, small fries and a small shake.”  The cashier said, “That’s $8.08, but if you order the medium fries and medium shake it is $8.00.” Now because I hate loose change (especially pennies) I said yes, but is it any wonder this city is so fat!?  I lose money if I eat less? By the way, here is a bit I did at the club following a trip to the Brazilian Steakhouse Fogo de Chao:

MONTREAL

But other things occurred in comedy this week besides me.  Colin Quinn delivered a widely hailed Keynote Address that I found great as well.  But it also irked me a little bit seeing everyone hail it, like no one has ever said this or that because now a guy who has fame says it is a breathtaking, refreshing and groundbreaking statement of what ails the comedy industry from all angles.  In fact someone eloquently pointed out almost all the things Quinn spoke of over a year ago here.

And Montreal was not all good news.  Andy Kindler, who was nice enough to praise my Louis CK parody video, had some harsh words for Adam Carolla in his annual State of the Industry speech (seriously – can I get lined up for this gig when Kindler retires – you basically roast the trends and previous year in comedy).  I thought it was an easy target because Carolla invites controversy with an outspoken style and also bucks the industry by running his own, hugely successful empire outside of the mainstream industry powers.  However, the article on Laughspin was so out of control with its biased editorializing against Carolla.  But this is what comedy is – a giant ass-kissing conformist industry pretending to be rebellious and trend-setting.  Carolla made the podcast format famous, which most comedians now employ as part of their media approach.  I don’t agree with a lot of his politics, but he is a strong and definitive comedic voice, which used to be a positive in comedy.

The lesson here is – if you are going to write harsh things about the comedy business it is better to be a headliner, a revered figure or a millionaire podcaster.  Otherwise you just end up as me – a guy with the same skills, same amount of stalkers and 1/1000th the money.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

Blog

Keep My Enemies Closer – Ready for the Spotlight

This weekend I recorded the final show for my new album Keep My Enemies Closer and this recording was a home run.  I will use this set as the base for the new album and add a couple of the tracks from the Triad Theater recording for what will be about 76 minutes of comedy (mega album!).  I have rarely been happier than I was with Saturday’s show.  I am now working on album artwork and editing the album together.  I expect a late September or first week of October release date.

The night of the show was great.  A few friends, a few comedians and a few strangers came to watch (fortunately the small venue was nearly full so it sounded great).  Of course it was still bitter sweet that the best thing I have ever done in comedy, and the culmination of my best work over ten years in and in my hometown could not draw a bigger crowd, but this is an ugly reality of a career in stand up comedy.  There is a point in your career where you don’t yet have industry heat to draw more strangers or people pretending to be your friend, but your real friends have long since become disinterested in the novelty of their friend doing comedy and are more interested in their varied pursuits ranging from their new children to their fantasy football leagues.  But I am hoping that that will all be irrelevant in a few months. I feel confident that this album will rank among the very best comedy albums of 2013 and my only hope is to get it listened to by as many people and comedy insiders so it gets the exposure it deserves.

But this is way too much positivity.  What would a major event in my comedy career be without some ridiculously disappointing stories?!  Here you go:

A few days before the recording I ran into a good friend from college on the street.  We started talking and I ended up briefly sharing two of the big bits off of Keep My Enemies Closer and he laughed hysterically.  He then told me he had to make it to the recording.  Side note – is this where stand up is going?  Now you don’t just have to win over new fans – you have to audition for your own friends to attend shows?  Well the night of the show, this friend texted me two hours before show time, “Are you in Hunter City yet?” Now I think he meant Long Island City, the location of the venue I was performing at, but as a rule of thumb – if your friend gets the city of your show wrong in a text two hours before show time… they are not coming to the show.

And the next day, the same friend who in the first recording night invited me to watch the Knicks’ game during my recording (even though he said he might attend my album recording) texted me Saturday wishing me luck on my recording… 17 hours after it had occurred.   Along this trajectory, I assume his next text will be “fu*k you” unless he is just that tone deaf to social norms.

These stories prove that there’s no such thing as a perfect night in comedy… but this was pretty close.

Check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. Special episode this Tuesday on Trayvon Martin & George Zimmerman