Cafeteria Comedy

Last Friday I had a big pay day.  I had a gig at Holy Cross, a Catholic college in Worcester, Massachusetts.  This was a big show for me, not just because of the pay, but because it was a chance to finally exorcise the demons of Medgar Evers, which is the worst show I have ever been paid for (I have had to make this paid distinction because of a non-paying bar show I did in Park Slope, Brooklyn in late August of this year.  The Medgar Evers show made me want to kill other people, whereas the show in Brooklyn made me want to kill myself).

Joe Pontillo, who I asked to open for me, picked me up in midtown at 3:30 pm which the GPS calculated would get us to Worcester a few minutes before 7pm.  With the show at 10pm that would be plenty of time to eat, prep my set and be creepy around college girls for an hour or so.  Unfortunately thanks to New York traffic and one of the worst traffic slow downs I have ever seen, which we encountered in Connecticut, we arrived at 9pm in Worcester.  It actually could have been a lot worse, but Joe actually drove on the shoulder of the highway, passing approximately 100 cars, while I hid my face muttering “we are such assholes.”

So we arrived at the Holy Cross campus and my contact was a kid named Matt, who was a very nice fellow.  I asked him what my content restrictions were (an e-mail I received informed me that I would be told of some minor restrictions) and they were” no priest abuse jokes” and “no contraception jokes”.  I was ok with that since I was never abused by a priest and don’t believe in condoms either.  I have no jokes on either (but I assume the spirit of the restrictions and did not tell any abortion material – even though Catholic teaching is that that is more murder, not so much contraception).

My information was that I was performing at Hogan Ballroom. Sounded very promising.  When I walked in to the building I saw the Hogan Ballroom and it was a massive, elegant room, that was already full of people (apparently it was Homecoming weekend so there were lots of events and extra people).  And then, like in the movies where someone is excited about something elegant, only to have it revealed that there item is actually the dirty thing next to the elegant thing, Matt said, “OK, well let’s head downstairs.”

We descended several levels of stairs and entered a lounge/cafeteria that had a stage and chairs set up.  Another student liaison named Mike hooked me and Joe up with his meal card and we got some dinner down there.  While waiting for my chicken fingers, two guys came up to me and asked if I had been a DA.  I found this interesting and flattering that someone had seen me on a flyer and I guess had researched me.  Of course he and his friends ended up sitting far away from the stage talking, but they did not disturb the show so I guess I broke even.

The show went well.  We were competing with a very loud gathering at a pub area directly outside the cafeteria.  It was loud because the doors were open and as Matt said to me, “I have never seen those doors closed” when I asked if we could close the doors. That was enough of an ominous statement that we left the doors open.  There were probably 40 people in the vicinity of the show paying varying degrees of attention, mostly very good.  Joe opened and did yeoman’s work wrangling the crowd to attention for 13 minutes.  I then did 50 minutes to a pretty strong response, but I will be the first to admit that transitioning from 30 to 50 minutes is not as easy at it seems.  I have an abundance of material, but doing different lengths of time is not merely the act of adding on minutes – it is a different pacing and intensity.  I would compare it to being a great 200 meter runner and then running the 400 meter race.  Unless your name is Michael Johnson, it is a transition that requires some practice and training.  I was still fairly happy with the way the set went and I only counted 7 gasps and looks of judgment on sexual topics.  The post show reactions were what really defined the show though:

1. 0 CD sales
2. 0 facebook friend requests
3. 0 twitter followers added
4. One kid came up to me and looked at the CDs and said, “Oh sweet, just take one?” Yeah kid, just sign up for this credit card – get the fu*k out of here!
5. My high school friend Scott, who I have not seen since 2001-ish, works near Worcester and came to the show.  He said to me post set, “I don’t think you’ll be back here, but if you are ever performing around here again I will get my friends and co-workers out.  You were hilarious.”

So thanks to the people who did watch and laugh and hopefully the check doesn’t bounce.  Hopefully I will prove Scott wrong (either by going back to Holy Cross or finally deciding that I am not funny).