Pet Chimp Shockingly Acts Like A Chimp, Name Changed…

Apparently part of the 99% DNA we share is the domestic violence gene

Monday in Stamford, Connecticut a 200 lb pet chimpanzee mauled a friend of its owner, who is now seriously injured in a Connecticut hospital.  The Chimp, whose name was Travis (I as hoping his name would be Ike or Chris), is now dead, but hopefully he has not died in vain.

Now this would not be as funny except for the fact that the chimp went out like Scarface.  According to witnesses he was a little “rambunctious.”  Weird – an animal from the jungle acting “rambunctious.”  Not sure what a more rambunctious chimp would be, but perhaps they noticed that he was throwing his sh*t around with a little more zip.  However, this chimp was a popular fixture in the community and had learned how to drink wine from a glass, use a computer and could clean and dress himself.  So I guess it was easy to forget that he was a fu-king animal!

During the day Travis broke out of the house (stealing his owner’s keys and unlocking the door – pretty impressive) and began stopping traffic, tapping on cars, which apparently meant that he wanted to go for a ride.  What set the monkey off is when the friend arrived and got out of her car with a new hairstyle that the chimp did not recognize.  So apparently, the chimp did not like the new ‘do proving that chimps can in fact be gay hairdressers, but with less fabulousness and more violence.  He mauled the woman horribly at which point his owner stabbed him several times to no avail. 

But when the police arrived he fled, but came back and tried to attack one of the officers (which was the second fight he had had in his life with police).  The officer then shot him several times, but Travis still survived to run off.  Travis’ last words were apparently “You know who I am?  King Kong ain’t got sh*t on me!”  Travis was found dead in his living quarters that he had crawled back to.

This end may seem touching and tragic to people, but I think it would be really sad if we don’t learn lessons from this.  I think the lessons are:

1. If a chimp attacks the police there should be a one strike and you’re out rule.
2. This should be chronicled on an episode of Cops so we can all learn and laugh.
3. Chimps only make good pets in movies.
4. Ladies – don’t do anything stupid with your hair or you might go to the hospital.