Arby’s Is a Huge Piece of Sh*t

Well, I hoped to write my first blog of the week tomorrow about Charlie Sheen, but due to emergency circumstances I have to write today.  I arrived at the Microtel (the actual name of my hotel)in Des Moines this afternoon.  Despite the quite comfy accommodations, I was hoping to be near a shopping mall or at least a strip mall, but instead I am across a highway from a gas station.  The only two eateries near me and that won’t get me killed traversing a highway are Ruby Tuesdays (can’t eat every lunch and dinner there – I’m not made of money!) and Arby’s.

As I write this I just finished a “meal” at Arby’s.  It was the second time I have ever been to an Arby’s because, like the first time, I was compelled to by lack of access to another cheap restaurant or a bag of garbage.  I went in, starving and saw that I was the only one there.  I looked around to make sure there was not a hostage situation or something going on and then I realized it was worse than that – the cashier was a Western European Unibrow chick with limited English skills and even more limited Arby’s skills.  And she was a trainee.   If she was at least a south of the border immigrant I could deal with that because I have enough exposure to them in NYC, but this chick felt alien to me.

So 54 minutes after placing my order I got my meal and Unibrow gave me a knife and fork, possibly for my soda, or however they eat in Unibrowistan.  If you do not know about Arby’s they are the fast food franchise that lost a bet and were forced to dedicate themselves to the roast beef sandwich.  As the fry accompaniment they have decided to go with curly fries.  Here are the problems with this:

  • Roast beef, unlike hamburgers cannot be replicated to resemble their best product outside the fast food context.  A Burger King hamburger is still tasty, even if they use chemicals to get there, but Arby’s awful, slimy, undercooked roast beef will never come within 1000 miles of a Boar’s Head roast beef sandwich from a deli.  They add some awful cheddar cheese and a watery bbq sauce (I think that is what it was).
  • They dedicated their whole store to this awful “raost beef.”  By comparison, Chic Fil-A dedicated themselves to preventing gay marriage and chicken – a much more versatile meat product for fast food purposes.  They also added the under-used but excellent waffle fries to get privide support to the chicken, which brings me to Arby’s 2nd flaw…
  • Curly fries suck.  They were cool in college when the dining hall or snack bar would surprise you, just for variety, but they suck.  Curly fries were the highlight of this awful meal, however, so it was like Brook Lopez on the pre-Deron Williams Nets, a player getting his because of the terrible circumstances he found himself in.

And for the next 5 days I will be held hostage by Arby’s.  There is nothing around here.  It is like I am Johnny Fontaine and Arby’s in Woltz, the producer who denied him work in The Godfather out of spite.  I am surrounded by fields and highways.  I guess I will have to stick a horse’s head in Unibrow chick’s bed to get another cheap restaurant around here.


Atlanta – Day 2 – “Can a man sue…

One of the great joys of comedy is that it is not legal work.  The legal profession may be the largest group of people who have quit or given up on dreams, outside of the New York Knicks’ organization.  So naturally it is always a fun experience (it has happened more than once) when after a show, during wich I mention having been an attorney, to have audience members come up to me afterwards and ask me about the law, being a lawyer or some awkward legal question.  So I have traded a life of being a funny person at legal jobs to being a legal advisor (yikes) to comedy show audience members.  I’ll get to that in a few.

Yesterday was like any other day on the road – I went to a movie – Toy Story 3.  Very enjoyable and a very empty theater, just me a black dude and a lesbian couple.  Pixar really unites the world.

I then ate at Chic-Fil-A, which is the best fast food in America.  And the restaurants are all clean and all the employees are friendly.  And the food is delicious.  Hoping for a sponsorship or an endorsement deal at some point.

Then it was time for comedy.

The first show was fun, if you consider performing for 35 judgmental old white Southerners fun.  My first joke, which did well at the same club at the same time one night earlier, fell flatter than flat – it fell concave.  “ESPN should realize that when abbreviating World Cup teams to three letters for the scoreboard, perhaps NGA is a bad abbreviation for Nigeria.”  Nothing – I felt like Daffy Duck following Bugs Bunny in a talent show. Crickets.

The second show of the night was really good and I was happy to finally feel like I had had a show I could be proud of down here.  As I got off stage I was approached by a late 20s/early 30s Asian man who, after hearing me tell jokes for 25 minutes engaged me in the following conversation:

“So are you really a lawyer?”

“I was.”

“Can I ask you a question?”


“Are there laws against adultery in Georgia?”

“I’m licensed in NY, but I would not be surprised if there were.”

“Well, do you know if a man can sue another man for sleeping with his wife?”

“I don’t know. My guess is no, but I don’t know what the laws in Georgia are on the subject.”

What I really wanted to ask was, “Dude, did your wife fu*k a rich dude and you want to sue him?”

It must be frustrating for my Asian almost fan, but even more frustrating was having good show and the only reinforcement for that feeling was a guy asking me how to sue the guy who’s fu*king his wife.

3 shows tonight.  Report to follow.