Birmingham, Part Threesome

Last night’s show felt like a breakthrough.  It was a really fun crowd and I felt sharper than the previous two nights.  And that was a good thing because I had CD/DVDs to sell, so having a strong performance I hoped would set the stage for some decent sales.  Turns out I was wrong, not to say that I could not have yielded other benefits from my strong performance/muscle t-shirt.  After the show it was clear that I genuinely had a better chance of scoring a threesome (emcee put it at better than 50/50 based on the suggestiveness) after the show than selling a CD (and posed the fleeting hypothetical to myself – if offered a threesome and you reject one and hook up with the other, do they cancel each other out in terms of relationship culpability).  Perhaps this is an odd complaint, but when one is settled and happy in their female companionship situation and looking to advance their career, CD sales are more important (somewhere a past or current member of the Williams College hockey team just involuntary shouted “FAG” and has no idea why).  Right now the hottest thing a chick could do right now is buy my CD and then e-mail me telling me it is awesome.

After the show I went out with the emcee and two of his friends, one of whom is a drummer in a band.  The guy resembles a cross between Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue (the look he was hoping for) and Adam Lambert (the look he is not going for).  We went to see another band, an 80s-90s cover band at a bar/club that just opened.   The funniest thing about the band that was playing was that their bass player was a dead ringer for Johnny Depp (he probably does not have any luck with women – except maybe for his ex-girlfriend who appeared in Playboy who was at the show), which is why his band refers to him as Depp.  The catch is that he looks exactly like Pirates of the Caribbean Johnny Depp (the look he is going for).  I am not kidding – I am very sad that I did not have my camera to prove it.

The bar was having a special – $15 cover for free beer all night.  Another interesting thing about Birmingham, from my limited experience, is the women.  The women are either stunning to look at or stun you with their apparently considerable appreciation of food.  There seems to be very little middle ground.  Except maybe for the mildly attractive woman who had a large cursive “69” tattooed on the small of her back.

My favorite part of the evening (possibly even more so than having a strong set) was that the emcee, myself, Nikki Lambert and Captain Jack Sparrow went out to eat after the show.  Keep in mind I thought a few suggestive compliments after a show made me feel slightly rock star-ish, albeit a rock star having a hard time pushing merchandise.  One of the two rock guys’ bands opened for Candlebox and Hinder (two bands who have each had one viable hit – the comedic equivalent of saying I opened for Gallagher on the road and the bitches loved the fruit smashing!).  Here is a sample of some quotes that they offered:

“That was such a bad threesome.”

“That guy’s girl came on our bus and blew so and so.”

This quick sample indicates that even up and coming or aspiring or just decent musicians can live rock star fairy tales.  When you can rate your threesomes comparatively you are living in a different, probably clinic-filled visit world than most people I know.  I then jokingly added, “Yeah, there was this one time my girlfriend came to my show and she thought I was really good so we did it back at my apartment and then snuggled.”

Night 3 in Birmingham definitely the most interesting and fun.  But now just 3 nights left to sell at least 15 CD/DVDs.  Perhaps if I offer cuddles free of charge with every purchase I will do better.