Birmingham Show 5 – Night at the Apollo

Yesterday was a really good day.  I sent out my first round of petitions for bookings, read a little, finally made it to the gym for a good workout and ate healthy.  It was Saturday so I expected the best show of the week.  I would give Tuesday, Thursday and Friday thumbs up with only Wednesday being sort of dead for me.  Feeling good I went to the club ready to kick ass.  Then the wheels sort of fell off.

I gave the sound guy my iPod so he could play Sexy Back for me (like Church and the Democratic party women are my largest fan demographic has been women down here I figured I’d get them in a happy mood with some Timberlake).  Well as an omen of bad things to come, the sound guy managed to hit something wrong and play an incredibly awkward slow jam.

So my first set of jokes were all going well, despite two tables to my left that literally did not stop talking during the show from start to finish.  Then I lost the crowd on two jokes that I did not expect to lose them on.

1. “I’m Catholic – any Catholics out there?  (woo from about 10% of the crowd) Well, I should be honest I am half Catholic – devout Catholic from the waist up, complete atheist from the waist down. (lots of delayed laughter).  I actually went to confession recently, where you tell the priest all the bad sh*t you’ve done.  In movies they always use the screen so the priest doesn’t see you face to face.  But there is a face to face option that I prefer because I like to high five the priest after the really awesome sins.  But this priest kept pressing me, “Son, are those all your sins, are those all your sins and I had to tell him, well father, what goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas.”  I’ll admit this is a B joke, but it got a combination of confusion and silence as if I had just advocated blow jobs from 6 year old boys.
2. Prison rape joke – biggest laugh I got on this was when I said “My anal virginity is the only thing keeping me from committing half a dozen felonies.  But there was a general unease during this joke (that has consistently done well for me for 4 years), which made me feel like I had suddenly been transported to Folsom Prison to be the opening act for Johnny Cash. 

After those two bits which took about 3 minutes total I lost larger portion of the crowd (most of whom must have been encouraged by the 2-3 tables that did not stop talking).  My difficulty is that I do not know how to deal with people disturbing the show – my only response is “WILL YOU SHUT THE FU-K UP!!!” which will help you lose the rest of the crowd.  What I wanted to say to the few tables (infer what you will) was “Do I look like a movie?… No, then why are you talking?” 

Then as the chatter built I could feel myself getting antsy.  Then as I went into my closing bit on half black people and Obama, something happened that has not happened since the massacre at Medgar Evers College for me over 2 years ago.  I started getting booed.  All it takes is a few cowardly tables out 400 people to ruin the show and for the first time my Obama impression did the comedic equivalent of blowing a save.  It was about 40/40 in closing shows on a high note until last night, regardless of what kind of set I was having.  Sometimes those Southern manners are great, but sometimes you need a self-policing NYC audience that will tell a heckler to shut the fu-k up so a comic doesn’t have to. 

I then got a Bronx cheer as I was leaving, to which I just smiled.  I have never felt more deflated after a show.  I literally felt like falling asleep in the Green Room because I had no energy.  I had no interest in going out to sell merchandise, but I had to, because if I don’t sell CDs/DVDs, the comedy terrorists win.  

So I went out there and literally stared down at least one person I knew was talking.  Not surprisingly, he wanted no part of a face-to-face encounter.  But then one guy came up to me and said – “You were great.  Don’t worry I got it.” Then I realized he was a black man dating a white women, so I joked with him that he just liked me for personal reasons not humor.  Then two people came out and bought my CD/DVD, so that was cool.  Bringing me to do or die tonight – sell 5 or else…

I handed out several business cards (never forcing on people) after the show and then as I approached the emcee’s card (he’s my ride around town) I noticed two of my cards on the rain soaked ground.  Fantastic.

Tonight is the last night in Birmingham.    Have to kill it.