Lambert and Tiger and 9th Graders, Oh My!

Three of the biggest stories of the last couple of weeks have been sex related: Adam Lambert’s simulated gang-bang at the American Music Awards, Tiger Woods having sex with everyone (it’s bad enough that he stole the white man’s game, but now by having sex with porn stars and Hooters’ waitresses, he has now stolen the redneck’s fanstasy) to make up for lost time that his large teeth and bug eyes cost him in his younger days before his $1 billion net worth, and I saw today on CNN that one-third of 9th graders in America are having sex and that one half of 10th graders are. 

I know this will make me appear as a Puritan relative to many of my contemporaries (especially in comedy), but perhaps the sexual revolution has swung the pendulum too far.  Like the nuclear bomb creators thought, sure we can, but should we?  Like gun control and abortion, it seems advocates of individualized morality and sexual freedom to the nth degree seem to consciously or sub-consciously fear ceding any ground for fear that it may validate an opposition that they dislike, hate or from which they fear judgment.  But isn’t this enough?

First there was the Lambert story.  He claims that he has been banned from most ABC shows (except that bastion of freedom, The View – will Hasselbeck boycott?) because there is a double standard – when women act extremely sexual in heterosexual or lesbian acts during performances it is not treated nearly with the same outrage and repulsion as homosexual men.  And I agree with Lambert (but to be fair, I can’t say I can help my instinctive – “did he just tongue rape that guy? ewwww” reaction.  The double standard is true (Janet Jackson’s nipple crossed the line from simulated to actual, so don’t bring up that hoopla).  However, I would simply ask, why is any of it actually appropriate or necessary?  Maybe people getting dry humped or skull-fu-ked is inappropriate for general public viewing, regardless of who is doing it with who.

The Roas Parks of man holding other men in leashes on national television.
The Roas Parks of man holding other men in leashes on national television.

I often try to stand up for religion, not even in doctrinal specifics, but as an overall structure of values that I think people can benefit from  – you can get them from other places besides religion I suppose, but the sense of being part of something bigger is important to a healthy society I think (believe me if Twitter, cell phones, Blackberries and Facebook are now providing us with our sense of belonging, unity and community I think we are in trouble as a culture and society.  That faux-community is based solely on the importance of, and focus on, self. Say what you want about religions (not necessarily religious people), but they usually have community well-being as their bases, at least the way I’ve experienced them).

Following that, one of the biggest criticisms of religion I hear from my friends is the sense of repression and shame religion attaches to sex.  A valid point, but even jaded atheists will agree that at some point (perhaps as “innocent” as 16 year old Britney Spears or as gross as Jerry Springer/Maury Povich guests) people should feel some degree of shame for their conduct in the sexual realm – not knowing your baby’s father, but narrowing it down to 11 guys is sort of nasty (or being one of 11 guys on that panel).  But with religion, or at least the sense of community well-being that it can foster and nourish, being diminished in our society, as well as many of my friends believing “judgmental” is the worst epithet that can be thrown at a person, it has come to feel like, “do whatever you like because we are free, we have no restrictions, no code of decency beyond our own individualized sense of what that entails and most importantly no judgment from others.” 

However, I think there is still a sense of outrage at Tiger Woods, which I think is appropriate (note to his wife – marrying a driven, successful man, who was driven by his Dad from a young age and is not that attractive, but-for the media saturation of his face that creates a comfortable familiarity mistaken for attractiveness and is now worth a billion dollars is a bad recipe for marital bliss – as if a nerdy loser with money, met a horny black guy and a pushy Asian with a sense of entitlement  to form the perfect storm of cheater)  Some people say, who cares?  Or he’s a celebrity – that’s what they do.  But this guy did not just have an indiscretion.  That was five or six or twenty-two women ago.  This guy’s endorsement shouldn’t be worth anything that is not golf-related.  Not that we put much stock in his endorsement to begin with, but I think you can agree with me.  We have gotten to the point where the only realistic role models we can have (or are allowed to have without incurring the wrath mentioned in the previous paragraph) in terms of personal conduct are men like Derek Jeter or George Clooney, guys who don’t cheat on wives because they don’t have them (please don’t let Obama have an indiscretion).   Most of young people’s role models for moral behavior are now those who decide to sit out of the game basically.

Insecurity Men and Cheating - Just Do It!  (by the way Phil Mickleson, Tiger's closest rival, would be my bet for non-cheating famous athlete - he has a hot wife and wears shirts that show his man boobs, so he is both satisfied and secure)
Insecurity Men and Cheating - Just Do It! (by the way Phil Mickleson, Tiger's closest rival, would be my bet for non-cheating famous athlete - he has a hot wife and wears shirts that show his man boobs, so he is both satisfied and secure)

It reminds me of something that happened when I was engaged.  I remember hearing from a friend of my ex that she had been releived when she found out I had once cheated on a girlfriend in college (which I told her).  And I asked, “relieved?” And the friend said, “well no girl feels secure if they think their guy is perfect.”  Now I know this is not every woman’s opinion, but it still startled me, which it probably should not have.  The reality television culture we live in is now a race to a view of the bottom – so we can always see that we are better than someone else, rather than a view of the top – so we can aspire to be better (once again Obama being the exception – even just for this can’t the self-righteous conservatives give him a break?).  We seem to enjoy people’s failings because they make ourselves feel better about ourselves.  We want less Kennedy and Obama and more Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.

And now there is a trickle down effect, which is sort of the point of this whole rant.  Congress held hearings about steroid abuse by athletes because of “the children.” But to those who may have felt that concern it should be no surprise that 9th graders are banging each other at record highs in this country.   Some may not feel there is anything wrong with this, but doesn’t that feel a bit young for such high numbers?  Sure it seems a little more appropriate for that kid that was shaving in 4th grade or that girl with the really touchy-feely uncle, but one of of every three?  And then one of every two by 10th grade?  Kids are impressionable to what is marketed to them and to peer pressure.  Even the best and most enlightened parents will have a tough time combating that.  And between all the social tools that act to separate us despite their purported connectedness, sex has become the latest thing to depreciate in this country to record lows along with the dollar and letter writing. 

Year 2040: After we play tag and finish our juice boxes, my Mom said it was alright if you donkey punch me.
Year 2040: After we play tag and finish our juice boxes, my Mom said it was alright if you donkey punch me.

Liberals and libertarians (yes you comedians!) love bashing the Puritanical views of sex in this country and mocking the religious right (who sadly, often turn out to be hypocrites, at least the ones you are told about because America loves to hate a hypocrite), and I will admit I am no saint.  But at some point when will we feel liberated enough?  I don’t want to have to make sure my future daughter is using protection when she still has a lunchbox (for the record I will make any future daughters use a lunch box through graduate school).


Thankful List

This site is usually saved for gripes, but today is a today for being thankful so after some reflection (family, health, etc. obviously) here are the things I am thankful for in no particular order:

1) My Obama impression.  It is not my favorite bit or part of my stand up, but I like Jimmy Chitwood in Hoosiers I do feel like my Obama impression is what could hit the metaphorical winning shot for me in my comedy career.  Of course even if it makes it big, my comedy career will still be the equivalent of a hick in Indiana.  But like money to an ugly man or big breasts and loose morals to a woman I think Obama will get my stand up going places faster than if I was without it.

Me economic recovery is based solely on how long he stays in office.
Me economic recovery is based solely on how long he stays in office.

2) The New York Knicks.  As readers of this blog know I am one of a handful of Utah Jazz fans (22 years and counting) outside of the state of Utah or the Mormon faith.  The Jazz have been a disappointment this year, but the New York Knicks have been nothing short of a disgrace and thanks to ramifications of the trade for Stephon Marbury 6 years ago the Knicks’ first round pick (most likely a top 5 pick) will go to the Jazz.

Dear NY Knicks, Thanks.  Love, Utah Jazz
Dear NY Knicks, Thanks. Love, Utah Jazz

3) My girlfriend.  If only for buying me Adam Lambert’s new CD (and apparently a point on the Kinsey scale) and saving me from one of the more emasculating purchases I could make.  I made no secret of my enjoyment of his American Idol performances and although the album is way too much Lady Gaga-light and not enough Steven Tyler/Freddie Mercury/David Bowie as it should be, no gift has ranked higher on the “it’s the thought that counts” scale, except for her purchase of a Paul Millsap game jersey for me last Christmas.   And a bonus to her is that if in some alternative universe I pull a Sal from Mad Men, she can say, “Dammit, I should have known when he was singing along to that Adam Lambert song.”

Yes, that Adam Lambert is quite the singer.  Wait, you're firing me Don?  What for? A straight man can't like Adam Lambert?
Yes, that Adam Lambert is quite the singer. Wait, you're firing me Don? What for? A straight man can't like Adam Lambert?

Note – this was all conceived before Lambert dragged men on leashes, face-fu-ked and tongue raped other men on the American Music Awards.  While I appreciate his stance that there is a double standard by the heterosexual world concerning lesbians and gay men making out, it was a bit much.  And it detracts from his considerable talent.  Add another Kinsey point. Fu-k.

4) The people running shi*ty open mics, the people who are not taking advantage of struggling, new, or desperate comics and the people who run decent shows for free in the city.   Like a house of worship, the communal strength of the good people trying to do good things in and with comedy in NYC (and elsewhere) make it easier to keep following a tough dream.  So thanks to all you people as well.  To those who are manipulating or taking advantage of even one comic, go fu-k yourselves.

For all my complaints about the establishment in comedy, there are a lot of funny and hard working people making it tolerable.
For all my complaints about the establishment in comedy, there are a lot of funny and hard working people making it tolerable.

Another Michael Jackson Is Impossible

Muhammad Ali, Barack Obama, The Pope, Michael Jordan, Bill Clinton.  This is the group of people’s whose deaths could rival or exceed Michael Jackson’s in terms of worldwide newsworthiness and cultural impact (and Jordan is very iffy).  That is really it in my opinion.  (And it happened a few hours after I was complaining that Farrah Fawcett’s death, though sad for her family and friends of course, did not warrant huge media attention.  Jackson’s did and does. )  And notice there are no music people on the list.  Sorry Justin Timberlake, Usher, Ne-Yo and any other people who they are already trying to figure out who could take the mantle.  That sounds like a bad joke. 

Talent? Absolutely.  About 25% of MJ combined.
Talent? Absolutely. About 25% of MJ combined.

There is no “next” Michael Jackson.  There are a few reasons for this:

The Cultural Gap

Michael Jackson had an incredible talent and an abusive parent willing to beat it out of him (I had parents willing to do the latter, but quickly persuaded them against hitting me a lot with my “I don’t have much talent” defense).   Acrucible this toxic, but which generates such prodigious, one-of-a-kind genius could never occur in today’s over-exposed culture, where every other as-hole can actually become a star.  He’d either be scooped up by a reality show or taken away from his parents (unlikely if he’s famous since we revel in the exploitation of children every day on shows like Jon and Kate plus 8).  So there’s no sense talking about a “next” MJ because it is not really possible given our cultural landscape of low standards and quick fix need for new celebs.

The Innovation Gap

There is nobody with his talent for innovation in the music business.  His closest musical counterpart is Madonna and she’s not really close.  Today there is more imitation than anything else.  Not to draw a comparison, but that is one of the reasons Adam Lambert was so good on American Idol – he seemed to be somewhat original, but still he lived in the shadow of men like Steven Tyler and Freddie Mercury.  The best analogy I can come up with is sports related. The shadow Michael Jordan cast on basketball is so great that players like Kobe and LeBron are trying to be free of it today and cast their own legacy.  Now imagine Michael Jordan were put in a time machine and played in the 1960s instead of the 1980s and 90s.  Now imagine how much more incredible and awe-inspiring he would have been if he was in that era.  That is what Michael Jackson did for music.  And his breaking of major racial barriers goes without saying.

King of Pop
King of Pop

The Class Gap

As ironic as it may sound Michael Jackson is lucky to have lived until 50 with the media pressure and voyeuristic celebrity hunting that now goes on.  He was fortunate enough to be a fully grown man by the time people were really going psycho for him.  Nowadays with this exponentially growing blood lust we have for celebrities wouldn’t he be more likely to suffer a fate like Britney Spears?  Breaking down right before or after Thriller, thus denying the public of several years of quality music afterwards?  I even like You Rock My World, which he released 19 years after Thriller.

The child molestation charges and odd behavior of Michael Jackson will forever be linked to his legacy.  I have a friend who believes child molesters should be castrated.  I am one of those people that hopes that Michael was just strange and never did anything sexual to the children, but that feels unlikely.  But I look at a guy who was abused by his father, and lived a public life for 40 years that no one besides Obama over the last 2 years can even relate to I think.  I feel bad for him.  People feel bad for victims of abuse when it occurs, but when they turn into monsters themselves, no one cares anymore.  This is not a defense for his actions, if he did abuse children, but just maybe a moment of compassion is warranted, even if you do find him despicable.  When you look at pictures of this cute talented kid and then at the recluse alien he became you have to know this was a deeply troubled person not in full control of what he became – his family exploited him and society smothered him.

So I am happy to own a bunch of Michael Jackson records and in a show of class I only told one Michael Jackson joke (it was the entertainment elephant in the room) last night (at one of the most difficult shows of my career – nothing compared to the massacre at Medgar Evers College a few years ago, but bad):

With Ray Charles, James Brown and Michael Jackson dead I’d be scared sh-tless if I was Stevie Wonder.  If diabetes doesn’t get his chubby ass, then apparently the ghost from Final Destination will.

The good money in your legendary black musical figures death pool.
The good money in your legendary black musical figures death pool.

I will write some funnier stuff on Sunday or Monday about my Florida trip (let’s hope the worst is behind me), but I wanted to write something about the biggest entertainer in the world.   And at least “kids these days” can see that there was something just a tad bigger than The Jonas Brothers and Lady Gaga.  After all, even I had a Michael Jackson figure – I believe it was the Billie Jean one (modeled on the 1983 Motown Special).  Music didn’t just lose a giant.  It lost THE giant.


Is My Dad A Terrorist?

This was my first thought when I heard that a barber shop quartet of terrorists, including one Haitian man, were planning on bombing two synagogues in the Riverdale section of the Bronx, only to have their plot foiled by the FBI.  See, my parents live in Riverdale and my Dad is Haitian, which based on the Jewish and Irish dominance in the neighborhood demographics gave my Dad a 1 in 10 chance of being involved.  I am also surprised that my Mom did not report him to the FBI just because it would get him out of the house.  Til death or Patriotic Act do they part.

In all seriousness I ran by the synagogues all the time (which I can probably no longer do without arousing suspicion) and have attended Bar Mitzvahs at one of them so it is sort of creepy.  But perhaps now when I say I am from Riverdale, people will not say “like the Archie comics.”  

But can it be a shock that Haitians are quickly becoming the hot new thing in terrorism?  They are like the Zac Efron of global jihad and this is their High School Musical 3.  A few years ago, a “plot” to bomb the Sears Tower was uncovered and involved a handful of Haitians in Florida.  I quickly began joking that this was preposterous.  I believe my joke was – “Really, Haitian terrorists?  What were they going to do give the Sears Tower poverty and AIDS?”

The fact is that Haiti has been sitting right near the United States for 200 years and is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.  It is also full of brown and black people.  Poverty and melanin are, after all, the two biggest indicators of future terrorists/enemies of the United States.  There may be a silver lining though – if eventually Haitian detention camps are started I feel like my blog and Tweets will be followed by many more people, even if most of them work for the government.

Furthermore, it turns out this latest plot was wrught by prison converts to Islam and not by some homegrown Haitian sect.  Alexis de Toqueville famously wrote that you can judge a country by its prisons.  So apparently our country can be defined by rape, weight rooms and turning people into worse people than they were before.  In other words America is a 300 million member fraternity.

I have said it repeatedly; there are only a few ways Haiti can save itself and get help from the United States:

  1. Become Communist so that everyone can get a Coast Guard Escort to stay in the United States.
  2. Find Oil.  Or…
  3. Try to become the 51st State.
I will ask you one more time - are you Cuban?
I will ask you one more time - are you Cuban?

And since these plots have been foiled perhaps we can focus on the atrocity that America has committed, namely, voting Kris Allen American Idol over Adam Lambert.  I have not been this angry over a vote since John Kerry lost to George W. Bush.


Lambert vs. Lakers

The last night of American Idol has arrived.  Last night Adam Lambert did what he had to to defeat Kris Allen (i.e. prevent the release of compromising gay sex photos, which is the only thing that could hold off Adam last night).  His version of A Change is Gonna Come was great, with the exception of a wailing part where he looked on the verge of awwkward tears (phew – just his musical theater acting chops shining through).  Kris Allen did well, despite the John Mayer/Muppet faces he made while singing.  However, the deciding factor was the final big “I can do it, I can beat the odds, I am a champion” song that both contestants have to sing (why does American Idol insist on the first single from every season being something that sounds like it belongs on the Karate Kid III soundtrack?). Not only did the scope of the song better fit Lambert’s big voice, he also provided the best unintentional comedy for the season this side of Scott McIntyre’s fangs when he sang the lyric, “You can go deeper; there are no boundaries.”  Was this song written before or after Glambert was voted a finalist?

Speak up - I did not hear that last part.
Speak up - I did not hear that last part.

So I voted for only the second time in an American Idol finals (the first was for Carrie Underwood) and it took me 75 minutes to get through, which I did in between two of the harshest sets I’ve performed (I have officially eliminated every possible topic from my “off limits” comedy folder).  What is amazing is that I had to wait 90 minutes to vote for Obama.  So for the first time in 8 years we have a president who is more popular than American Idol.  Take that cynics.  Although I guess the true test will be when the American Idol front runner is a handsome black man (interestingly enough the only black man winner is one of the least popular, but probably because he is fat and sweaty).

But all the good vibes from American idol and infanticide jokes wore off late last night when I watched the Los Angeles Lakers eke out a two point victory over the Denver Nuggets.  Normally I would root against a team with as many tattoos as the Nuggets (JR Smith looks like he has a skin condition and Chris Anderson, Carmello Anthony and Kenyon Martin look like members of the world’s best prison basketball team – especially Carmello who sports a Warna Brotha (WB)” tattoo encouraging kids not to cooperate with law enforcement – the NBA, where caring happens.

Remember kids - if a cop needs your help tell theat motherfu-ker to go fu-k himself.  The NBA where caring happens
Remember kids - if a cop needs your help tell theat motherfu-ker to go fu-k himself. The NBA where caring happens

But the Nuggets are playing Kobe, Sasha and the rest of the Los Angeles Lakers.   To put it in perspective I look at the Nuggets like Sunni insurgents and the Lakers as Al Qaeda.   Sure I don’t like either team, but am willing to make a deal with the insurgents to defeat Laker Qaeda.  To continue this ridiculous, and possibly offensive analogy, I will now refer to Kobe Bryant as Kobe bin Laden. 

So hopefully Lambert wins tonight and the Nuggets can get ther sh*t together and defeat the evildoers tomorrow.

You are either with us or with the Lakers.
You are either with us or with the Lakers.

Orlando Magic

Just got back from Orlando (wedding and a trip to Universal Studios).  A few things I learned and confirmed this weekend.

JetBlue is a fantastic airline.  The leg room, unlimited snacks and television are all great.  The old European bitch sitting near me with her poodle was the only drawback.  She got into it with a flight attendant about placing the dog underneath the seat (it was a small one), to which she proclaimed, “I travel to Europe all the time with the dog,” as if the flight attendant was supposed to reply, “Oh, you travel often… and to EUROPE, welllllll I did not know – excuse me and my provincial sensibilities.”  People should not be able to bring dogs onto an airplane unless they are blind.   At one point, as the dog started whimpering I almost shouted, “Somebody get these motherfu-kin’ dogs off my motherfu-kin’ plane.”

In the words of Harrison Ford, "Get off my plane."
In the words of Harrison Ford, "Get off my plane."

Caricature drawings are interesting experiences.  I had one drawn of me at Universal Studios.  As people walk by you know they are judging.  They are saying one of two things:

  1. Damn!  – that dude is fu-ked up looking and she is drawing all of it or
  2. That artist sucks and that dude sitting right there is getting ripped off.

Fortunately I think it came out well (resembling me, but funnier looking).  However, it is the first time I feel like instead of Obama-Adam Sandler my combo has come out to look like Billy Zane mixed with Milton Berle.  Enjoy:

Billy Zane's skull, Milton Berle's mouth and Jay Leno's chin
Billy Zane's skull, Milton Berle's mouth and Jay Leno's chin


So this week has a lot of promise.  Tonight is my first trip to Yankee stadium and the season finale of 24 (can it possibly suck any more?), Tuesday more Laker basketball to hate and The American Idol finals to enjoy (Lambert has been the star all season and must win) and then Thursday is Terminator Salvation.  Stay tuned. Or stay whatever it is when you read stuff.


Adam Lambert vs. Kris Allen or as Don King…

Last night America added insult to widowery when they voted off the soulful sound of recent widower Dany Gokey.  On pure talent the finals should have been Dany Gokey versus Adam Lambert.  But like many elections, especially those involving reality shows, women flex their pop culture suffrage in greater numbers than men and Gokey could not measure up.  See, Adam Lambert is the talented gay friend that every girl, not from the Bible belt (and maybe secretly in the Bible belt – “Daddy, it ain’t a sin if I just watch him sing his songs!”) wants (think Sex and the City or Rupert Everett) .

Option 1 for ladies - Shopping and Endless Compliments from Adam Lambert
Option 1 for ladies - Shopping and Endless Compliments from Adam Lambert

Kris Allen is the cute boy next door that will sing a girl an acoustic song on a beach somewhere (think Owen Wilson’s take on Hutch in Starsky and Hutch). 

Otion 2 - Kris Allen - Remember The Time I sang to you you ungrateful bit*h!  Why don't you have sex with your best friend - oh that's right - he doesn't want to.
Option 2 - Kris Allen - Remember The Time I sang to you you ungrateful bit*h! Why don't you have sex with your best friend - oh that's right - he doesn't want to.

But what category did Dany Gokey bring to the table – soulful white man on the worst rebound imaginable (think Michael Bolton or C. Thomas Howell for the 20 years in between Soul Man and Southland).  So the women have spoken and they now have to choose between The Birdcage and The Notebook.

It's not going to get any easier Dany.
It's not going to get any easier Dany.

On pure talent, Adam Lambert should run away with it.  His voice is so powerful he basically sounds like he is showing off every time he sings.  Although I think the judges are now under some hypnotic Prince-like spell with Adam where they are incapableof criticizing him, his performances of Mad World and Satisfaction this season have been the two best performances of the season.  But things that are not in his control could hurt him (Katy Perry wearing an “Adam Lambert cape before her performance?).   Sidenote: my tweets during the show got Katy Perry to follow me on Twitter.

But Kris Allen emerged as a contender with his first performance in the Top 13 when he did a great version of Do You Remember The Time by Michael Jackson.   Since then he has been the competition’s John Mayer (minus strange tattoos and complete douche-bagginess) on “Your Body Is A Wonderland” overdrive, with ooooo-ing and ahhh-ing at his awww shucks charm (which does seem genuine).   Two things may hurt him.  One is that he does not have the pure talent and showmanship of Lambert and two is that he is from what I have heard is that he is a married Christian, which will lose him the vote of physicists and alternative NYC comedians.

So who will win?  It should be Lambert and I think it will be.   If he does win I hope his album is some sort of melding of Sebastian Bach and Freddie Mercury and not some trite pop, which would not really fit him anyway. 

My two funniest moments from last night’s show:

  1. A female fan in San Diego rushing Adam Lambert while removing her shirt – either she was from a Bible-based re-orientation program or she got some very bad information.
  2. The Real Sex moment.  Seeing Jordin Sparks looking quite nice singing her song and then flashingback to Adam and Kris was the equivalent of Real Sex on HBO when one minute it is the “Female Porn Stars HavingLesbian Encounters” segment followed quickly and inappropriately by “Old Men Masturbating” segment.  Not cool American Idol.

Audition Week Over

Now a week off til the 30th birthday.

Going to keep this brief as I soak up some Sun after a stressful, but successful week in the world of struggling comedy.

Monday, as I wrote, I had an audition at Zanies in Chicago.  It went well and like all things in comedy that go well, I have no idea if I will ever work at the club.  I will keep my calendar posted if I get any news on that. 

Hooray!  I think we'll win the World Series before J-L gets paid in this town!
Hooray! I think we'll win the World Series before J-L gets paid in this town!

Tuesday was an audition at Gotham Comedy Club and I got some great feedback, from the person evaluating me, a former SNL star who did a guest spot, and from a potential groupie.

Finesse Mitchell (former SNL star) came up to me after my set and said, “I enjoyed that.”  That was nice that he came and told me that, but what I really enjoyed was watching the tape of the performance the next day and hearing his distinctive laugh over the crowd at the joke that can be summed up by one name, “Kobe.” 

he liked my joke about when I was compared to Kobe Bryant
he liked my joke about when I was compared to Kobe Bryant

I was also approached by a girl after the show who I took for a fan of my comedy until she had a friend slip me her number as they were leaving.  Numerous problems with this.

  • I am spoken for. 
  • In addition to her phone number she wrote: “Colombian and Puerto Rican”, “Thick and sexy”, and “volupcious” – which I believe is either a mispelling of voluptuous or how one velociraptor describes another velociraptor that it finds attractive.

Where you from, you sexy thing you

I wanted to save the number and post in a comedy book, the way diners, barber shops and other small businesses post their first few dollar bills that they ever made, but I decided against it.

Wednesday was my audition for Live at Gotham (Comedy Central Show).  It was the third time I have auditioned for the show.  This was by far my best set of the three.  Even if I don’t get it I am actually really proud of the set I had.  So in a young career that has been marked by choking at numerous auditions it was good to go 3 for 3, even if I don’t see a dime (but I hope that’s not the case).

And if the week needed any more good news Matt Geraud was saved by Simon Cowell last night.  Even if he does not win (which unless Adam Lambert blows Simon Cowell on a live broadcast, he won’t) it is awesome to see a guy who is so un-Hollywood doing well on the show.

Unless there is big news to report I probably won’t write much until the eve of my 30th birthday (next Friday if you want to do any shopping).


American Idol: Adam Lambert

If you do not watch American Idol because you never thought to, you should watch this season.  If you are someone (probably a guy) who defiantly shouts, “I don’t watch that gay sh*t,” then I urge you to change your mind because I used to think the same think, minus the homophobic sentiments.  If you are like a few people I know who have not watched since Clay Aiken got robbed by Ruben Studdard – the time to get over it now.  I was upset about Al Gore getting robbed of the presidency and if I could get over that I think you can move on as well.

This season is phenomenal.  For the record, 4 of my top 5 are still alive in the Top 8, but two people I did not have in my Top 5 I can be excused for.  Kris Allen was not featured until after the Top 36 had been picked and not before.  And Adam Lambert I genuinely thought was too Broadway for the show.  But since then he has been a ridiculous show stopper every show.

Jonas Brother + Elvis + Mariah Carey + a dash of Cher
Jonas Brother + Elvis + Mariah Carey + a dash of Cher

But my favorite thing about Adam Lambert, other than a voice that somehow has both Steve Perry and almost early 1990s Mariah Carey range, is his Dad.  His Dad clearly is still sort of coming to grips with his son’s homosexuality.  They have interviewed Adam’s parents several times and Mr. Lambert has yet to make eye contact with the camera.   Sort of like how Derek Zoolander’s father was upset about Derek playing a Mermaid in a television commercial.  MERMAN!!!!! 

The best, however, was last night when Adam’s mother said, “Adam was interested in everything as a kid – music, reading-” And then Mr. Lambert chimed in – “Not so much sports.”  Unbelievably classic television.

Oh and if anyone is wondering if Adam is gay:

Exhibit A: He said that Randy Travis was a “total gentleman” during their rehearsal.  What guy refers to another guy as a gentleman when a truck stop or spooning is not involved?

Exhibit B:

Didn't I see you at Clay Shaw's party? (JFK reference - very funny if you remember)
Didn't I see you at Clay Shaw's party? (JFK reference - very funny if you remember)

But the fact that this kid is other-worldly talented is undeniable.  There were rumors that when Clay Aiken was in his glass closet (everyone could see through it) American Idol did not want him to win so they jammed phone lines to prevent him from winning.  Maybe this is true, maybe it is not, but it is undeniable that when male artists come out officially (George Michael and Clay Aiken come to mind) they seem to lose the status they once had as closeted or ambiguous.  Even Elton John had to keep up a charade of ambiguity for many years.  So although it should not have to take someone as exceptional as Adam Lambert to become the Jackie Robinson of karaoke competition shows it looks good that Idol will not be able to stop his climb to the top.  Although I had liked Danny Gokey (powerful-voiced widower) or Matt Geraud (soulful white guy with less beauty, but more singing chops than Justin Timberlake) to win, Lambert’s showmanship (go figure) and vocal range are going to steamroll the competition.  You should watch if you are not before he comes out officially and the music biz (and American public) ship him off to the fringe.

"You are out of this fam- wait, how much money will he win?  I LOVE YOU SON!!!"
"You are out of this fam- wait, how much money will he win? I LOVE YOU SON!!!"

My Favorite College Hoops Season

2009 trumps 2001 because winning $400 in a pool beats 1 dunk and lots of benchwarming.

Last night I got that rare win that a sports gambler can hope for – a winning result for my favorite team and for my gambling.  I was in a tie with a fellow Hoya Lawya for 2nd place in a pool of slightly over 100 people.  We both had UNC beating Michigan State (always bet on Izzo, Calhoun and Lute Olson (when he’s healthy/coaching) in the Finals.  However I had a total score of 152 and my other 2nd place finisher had 132.  Well thankfully UNC and Michigan State scored well over a combined 152 to give me 2nd place.  And I am a UNC fan so it’s a double win.  And Duke fans are probably upset so it’s like a triple win.

And it assuages the gross feeling from the Yankees amazing debut yesterday.  CC Sabathia is my size if I never stopped eating donuts.  I don’t mean stopped as in – I am on a diet so no more donuts.  I mean literally a conveyor belt shoving donuts into my mouth 24-7. That is how big this guy is.

The results of the Michael Phelps diet if you do not swim 1500 miles a day.
The results of the Michael Phelps diet if you do not swim 1500 miles a day.


Now tonight there is the women’s college hoops final, but if I want to watch a woman give a brilliant performance I will watch Adam Lambert on American Idol.  And if I want to watch a tall woman give a mediocre performance I will watch Fringe.  But I don’t think I can watch the women’s hoops finals.  UConn is expected to roll, and that is great for the dudes on that team, but what I am tired of is how women’s basketball gets inserted into conversations of dominance with men’s teams ( your sport needs more than a decade of Title IX/NBA subsidized success before you can discuss the historical dominance of a team).  I read somewhere that there is an unfriendly rivalry between Geno Auriemma and Jim Calhoun, the women’s and men’s UConn coaches, respectively.  Rivalry?  Maybe in that Malone-Stone (Sean Connery and Andy Garcia) Irish-Italian rivalry in The Untouchables, but in terms of basketball?  I would think it would be settled when Jim Calhoun says, “Wow, you have five titles!  That’s great – I coach men.” 

(l.) I have won more titles than you (r.) but people actually watch my team
(l.) I have won more titles than you (r.) but people actually watch my team