A cinematic enema

It has been some time since I gave a comprehensive movie review on this site. I still feel that I am recovering from the Winter of 2006 where at one point I saw 7 movies in 8 days or something like that. But with Summer Season underway I was very excited to see Spider Man 3 on Friday night.

In 2002 I felt that Spider Man joined the elite company of Batman and Terminator 2 as one of the best summer movies of all time. Then in 2004 Spider Man 2 came out and was actually better than the first.

Upon seeing previews for Spider Man 3 I was excited and actually believed it may join The Lord of The Rings as the only trilogy to sustain excellence for all three films (Sofia Coppola ruined the Godfather’s chances, as did the Ewoks for Star Wars).

But that is not what happened.

Spider Man 3 is a mess and the critics should be ashamed of themselves. Movie critics have been called whores for the movie industry for many years by my uncle, but he can be an extremely tough critic sometimes. However if ever that were true Spider Man 3 proves it. Some critics were harsher than others, but even in some reviews that I read that were very lukewarm they seemed afraid to say: “This movie sucks!” And then other critics, like at the NY Post and NY Daily News gave strong reviews. They were like pimps telling me about this amazing looking girl they have for sale, but neglecting to mention that she has a penis.

Well, let me tell you – Spider Man 3 is a mess. The computer effects play like a video game, there are to many villains and only a few jokes by Topher Grace and Bruce Campbell and one funny montage of arrogant Peter Parker were enjoyable for me. The villains are not developed at all and I don’t know if I have cared so little about characters since the tour de force Alpha Dog.

I do not blame audiences for flocking to this film in record numbers. I felt compelled to see it because of how much I liked the first two. But I do blame the audience members (probably 1/3 of the theater) that clapped when the movie was done. Without getting into the nonsense of clapping at a movie – shame on you dumb, easily pacified moviegoers.

And then there were the a-holes who kept talking throughout the movie sitting behind me and my girlfriend. She, like any petite woman with a 250 lb boyfriend decided to scold them halfway through the film. I felt like a marine in 2003 when George Bush told the terrorists, “Bring it on!” I get what you’re saying, but I may end up fighting this battle so could we use more diplomacy for now. Nothing happened except the gentleman who did most of the talking behind me kept calling Mary Jane Watson a slut.

Overall Spider man 3 is the biggest, but is also just the first of a potential awful trend for this Summer. Shrek 3, Pirates 3, Bourne 3 and Rush Hour 3 are just some of the third offerings available to audiences this Summer. FU-K!