For exactly 5 days of comedy in Colorado

I spent the last week in Westminster, Colorado performing comedy. Here is the recap (numerous photos will be posted shortly):

MAY 23rd

I get the emergency exit row on Jet Blue on the flight out. Excellent. I have a male flight attendant who asks me if I am prepared to assist passengers and I think of how brilliant my joke is. My girlfriend sits two rows away from me buried in crossword puzzles and old people.

When we arrive at the bus stop we are picked up by Sydney, an employee of Wits End Comedy Club, the club where I will be performing. Sydney is blaring Ice Cube and informs us that Ice Cube is her son’s favorite musical artist and that they just went to his concert (as the lyrics “bitch” and “dick” and “motherf—ker” blare). Using my Bronx 6th Sense for poor parenting I ask her how old her son is, to which she replies, “7.”

Once in the condo, my girlfriend decides that it resembles an apartment from Cops a little too much and would be pretty cramped (the headliner who is not there yet would be staying there as well) so we called Sydney to take us to a local Doubletree, which is pretty cheap. Sydney is not happy picking us up and proceeds to argue with her daughters’ father, who is presumably not the father of Ice Cub Jr. Once at the Doubletree we settle in as I prepare for my set.

At the club I meet Bengt (pronounced “bent”) Washburn, the headliner and Donna, the emcee. They are both nice. Bengt is a Mormon and a Utah Jazz fan so we get along well. He also curses and drinks on stage, which he says makes Mormons in good standing very mad. Bengt is also very funny. Check out his website www.getbengt.com

After Wednesday’s show I set up a booth to sell CDs. I brought approximately 70 with me in the hopes of making a fortune after my killer sets. I sell zero after Wednesday’s show.

MAY 24th

My girlfriend and I take a trip to downtown Denver where we walk around catching Sun and looking for shoes for a wedding she has to go to. We look in every store in the state of Colorado and cannot find any.

I sell zero CDs.

MAY 25th

We go to Boulder, CO. We walk around and I realize how funny college kids are and how right South Park is. I see a theater/jazz type kid wearing some fedora cocked to the side. Then I see a kid wearing a top hat and ripped jeans because he is “crazy.” Then I see a group of blonde girls all walking together, etc. We are approached on the street by the craziest looking man ever who tells us that he is not afraid of pirates and that I am not Irish (I was wearing a shirt that said “IRELAND.” ).

That night it is time for two shows at Wits End and I begin selling CDs – 3 to be exact. In between shows my girlfriend gets picked up to go to the airport by a cab driver who was high on something and had his children in the back seat. I rest easier when I find out she is at the airport safely. In between shows I go to Dairy Queen for a blizzard and a few fans from the first show greet me in Dairy Queen. But I had to pay for my own Blizzard.

MAY 26th

I see Pirates of the Caribbean 3. People who work at the Denver movie theater are much friendlier than people who work at NYC movie theaters. Perhaps it is because they do not feel like sh-t for working at a movie theater and in return, people of Denver do not treat them like sh-t for working at a movie theater. It is very pleasant, but the movie is a C.

On stage that night I give a woman an orgasm from the stage. The biggest laugh I have ever received when I walk off the stage saying that no joke I could tell can surpass her moan. I sell 2 more CDs.

MAY 27th

I see Shrek 3. B. People are very pleasant at the movie theater again (different theater, same pleasant attitude)

I then get lunch/dinner with Bengt at the Cheesecake Factory. We talk about religion and politics and comedy over cheesecake. Typical Mormon/Catholic comedian stuff.

That night we travel to Loveland, Colorado. We perform comedy in a Mexican restaurant. In front of a crowd where the average was 55. And half of them were from a Christian singles group. They did not appreciate the term “cock block.” I sell two more CDs. I sign my first autograph for a woman’s son who is also a “racial chameleon” of sorts – half Asian/half white.

After the show Bengt and I are confronted by a woman who will remain nameless. She tells me that she is a divorced Mom and doesn’t date because she wants her kids to come first. She then tells me that her son’s high school friends all work out and that she can appreciate the male body, but that she won’t do anything with them. She then proceeded to ask me more uncomfortable questions (Desperate Housewives – take note – THIS IS A DESPERATE HOUSEWIVE/DIVORCEE). Fortunately Bengt showed up and she proceeded to ask him uncomfortable questions about Mormonism. Within 6 months this woman will fu-k one of her son’s high school friends. Guaranteed.

May 28th

My TSA screener at the airport recognizes me from one of the Saturday shows and starts telling the other screeners that I am a funny comedian. I felt bad that I checked my CDs because I would have given him one for free. He lets me go through security without being checked. Just kidding. I look like a giant Egyptian – he can’t do that no matter how funny I am.

Some of the positives of Denver area – nice people, nice view, nice club, Doubletree cookies, TSA screeners that like comedy.

Some of the negatives – Sydney’s music choices for her son, woman who will bang her son’s friends, seeing how lonely the road can be.

This week – auditions at Comix and Gotham – I will keep you posted.