Paranoia Strikes Deep

Before I get to the star of the show Sarah Palin (Governor Palin if you’re nasty), let’s look at the other players in last night’s convention.

Mitt Romney – millionaire businessman really knows how to get the conservative redneck crowd into a frenzy with references like “Adam Smith on steroids” (what the fu-k is he talking about?). Then he went on to hammer the “liberal” Supreme Court – uhhhhhh – this is the most conservative court in the last 70 years – I think they upheld stoning adulterers this past term. He also harped on the fact that if Obama is elected then Big Brother of the Democrats will be trying to tell Alabamans when they can or cannot have sex with their sisters and worse yet, Big Brother will be watching. Good thing when the Republicans were in power there wasn’t anything like widespread illegal wiretapping of people’s phones going on. Grade for Mitt Romney, D- (objectively he sucked and even if you are a hardcore Republican he sort of sucked).

Mike Huckabee was his usual humorous self and gave a solid speech, but continued this theme of Obama and the Democrats want to control people’s lives. Is it ironic that the most ardent pro lifers, who want to tell a woman what to do with her own body (which is really only acceptable if you are a porn director), are the ones who think that the Democrats raising taxes on businesses is akin to sodomizing the grandmothers of Americans. I give a B to Huckabee.

Rudy Giuliani – Quite simply, his speech should have been titled, “I think Barack Obama is a fag and the UN is pretty fruity too.” During his speech the delegates got a rousing “drill baby drill” chant, which to me was the environmental equivalent of the rape scene in The Accused. Overall Giuliani, who was a United States Attorney and cannot be stupid, struck me as incredibly stupid. Like trying to argue with him would be frustrating because he seems like the type of guy who can only understand his own point of view. And at some point he said something regarding Sarah Palin’s accomplishments as a woman, raising the dial of irony in the convention to a Spinal Tap 11. Because nothing says women’s empowerment than the guy who divorced his wife via press conference. But the convention seemed to like his absurd routine so he gets a B+.

Then it was time for the star of the show – Sarah Palin. She was powerful, she stirred my soul and she was enjoyable to watch. And her speech was pretty strong too. She proved that McCain has his attack dog, even if she is a cute purse dog. I thought her attacks were more to the point and less likely to induce hate crimes like Giuliani’s. And then her family joined her on stage. I must say a very pretty family. And then McCain joined them on stage and I loved the ridiculously quick handshake he gave to Juno’s boyfriend. It really said, “You redneck hockey douche bag you almost fu-ked this up for me.”

Although I still like Fred Thompson’s speech best, Palin gets an A- (not an A because I cannot get over her “don’t cha knoooow” accent) and is Day 3’s MVP.

Tonight I think there will be a reenactment of the Hanoi Hilton on stage, just so people remember that John McCain was a POW.