The biggest pep rally/bake sale for a midwestern football team I have ever seen.

I ran home tonight to catch the juicy moments of the Republican Convention. I had many options on television – the Season premiere of the final season of The Shield, a show whose greatest moments include cops murdering other cops and the police captain being forcibly, orally sodomized. I could have also watched New York Goes to Hollywood or Mad Men Season 2 on DVR. But instead I turned on my television just in time to hear Wolf Blitzer praising CNN for the 1,004th time and to see Rachael Lampa singing. Rachael Lampa is a Christian singer-songwriter, which means she is pretentious (I hate the singer-songwriter label) and her music sucks. She was named singer of the year by Christ Community Music Magazine, which for eleven American families is Rolling Stone. Predictably, she sang her “hit,” “Blessed.” I also enjoyed how when she was done singing, the loudspeaker inexplicably started playing the beginning of Thunderstruck by AC/DC, another well known Christian artist.

So there was a lull during the coverage where the CNN cameras panned looking for an ethnic. None were found, but obesity and Caucasians were abundant.

Then there was a brief video tribute to George H.W. Bush, who had a look on his face that said, “I’m a smart, accomplished man and my fu-king Fredo-son got two terms and ruined my name.”

I then watched Laura Bush introduce George W. Bush. As they panned back to Cindy McCain I could not help thinking (this may be because I have watched so many episodes of Mad Men) that she had had sex with George W. Bush. She just had that look, that knowing evil smirk. Hmmmmm. The Reps then played a video that demonstrated that if Barack Obama is Jesus Christ, then Ronald Reagan is God Almighty.

Then something awesome happened. Fred Dalton Thompson took the stage. Either well tanned from a vacation or freshly embalmed, Fred Thompson gave a great, energizing speech. As only a professional actor could he whooped the crowd into a frenzy, even when he mentioned John McCain’s former stripper girlfriend, Maria the Flame of Florida. Remind me not to let Fred Thompson give a toast at my wedding. But he made an excellent speech, with the exception of his incessant throat clearing. Disagree with his politics, but he was as good as anyone not named Bill or Barack.

Then came the snooze fest known as Joe “Joementum” Lieberman, sporting his Boca tan. I look at the guy and can’t help that he should have been named Howdy Jewdy, sitting on John McCain’s lap moaning Hadassah out of his puppet mouth. Lieberman is about as charismatic as the growth of grass, which is saying something when being a political Benedict Arnold should be more exciting.

So Joe gave a good speech, not very rousing, but I enjoyed it when he praised Bill Clinton sort of. There were some applause, but based on the hostility on some people’s faces in the convention you’d think he had just said that black and white kids should go to school together.

All in all I was not disappointed. Day 1 1/2’s MVP – Fred Thompson by far.