So yesterday after work I went to see The Descent, a horror film. I usually don’t see many horror films because they are pretty crappy. The acting is almost always awful and they are just sort of becoming gore fests, with no emphasis on actually frightening people. However, the reviews from the NY Daily News and New York Times gave me feelings that this one was different and would actually be a scary experience. Going to this movie would be a scary experience, but the Descent would have very little to do with it.

Upon entering the theater, the first thing I noticed (I was with AJ’s Mom – if you don’t know who that is – listen to my CD) was that there was a group of girls ages 11-14, with their mother, who was probably 30.Now most guys think girls are checking them out and are only right at about 15% of the time (my rate is actually 75%, but I don’t know what these other dudes are thinking). But most dudes without criminal records do not want that statistic to include 6th graders. So I ignored what seemed like glances of an adult nature from La Micky Mouse Club and began to watch the movie (this story continues).

As for the movie, the first half was actually pretty scary, even thought the creatures looked like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. However, a horror film is only scary when the victims/heroes are vulnerable and have to escape. it loses something when the victims kick the sh-t out of the creatures and begin impaling their brains with bones and knives. Instead the second half of the film was just about how bloody and nasty the film could get, with no attention paid to actually scaring anyone. Well, that’s not true. Some of the 6 and 7 year olds I saw in the theater (literally 6 or 7) seemed pretty afraid. So was I… at the sight of parents taking their 1st graders to R-rated gore fests! Without going Tipper Gore on you, I really think because there are so many stupid/shi–y parents in the world today, R rated movies should have an age minimum. If you want to take your 11 or 12 year old to an R rated movie fine (still show some prudence), but if you’re like the jackass who took his 3 year old to Texas Chainsaw Massacre in DC and were sitting two rows from me a few years ago, the MPAA needs to help you in parenting. If you don’t know that a woman puling a gun from her vagina and blowing her brains out (opening scene in TCM) is inappropriate for your son or daughter, who cannot read or write or understand the difference between truth and a lie, go to the bathroom by themselves, etc. then you need to be sterilized and go to parenting classes ASAP.

So when the movie ended my lady friend and I left. She had to go to the bathroom because she is a woman and I waited outside. And here comes Mom and her gaggle of horny 6th and 7th graders? I had made a joke to AJ’s Mom earlier about them and she laughed it off. However, as she saw them eyeing me as we left the theater area, and again as we left the shopping center, she said that she was offended and would want to say something to them… if they were in high school. And after all, their mother was scoping me too. My thoughts could be summed up in what I said to my lady friend: “In 5 years, they’d still be illegal.”

Now granted I have been on a much more rigorous fitness routine (no not John Basedow’s Fitness Made Simple), I have a slick new haircut and a vacation tan, so I cannot blame their taste. And like compliments from a gay man which can sometimes boost the self esteem of a sad straight man, I am not one to reject extra attention. But this was too far.

I went to a horror movie and discovered 2 scary things – theaters do not think twice about letting small children watch movies that are wholly inappropriate for them. When little Tim or DaeShawn is asked in his 2nd grade class, “What did you do this Summer?” His response should not be, “I saw some scary ni-ga get his brain ripped out by some mountain climbing bit-h.” Unless he really saw that happen, in which case he will need some counseling and a book deal.

Secondly, with teen pregnancy, disease, low self esteem, depression and a host of other problems plaguing young Latinas (read the NY times editorials from a few weeks ago) it is really, truly frightening to see a group of girls ranging from 6th-8th grades “checking out” a man with Mom joining in on the fun. I believe the saddest part is that the damage is already done with these girls. Their formative years have probably exposed them to a world where 6th graders can shake there ass in front of a grown man and it is to be encouraged. So The Descent was scary, but not because of the film – it was pretty weak. I won’t get too preachy because this is a comedy website, but something needs to start changing socially and culturally and politically if things are going to change in my home county (Da Bronx).

That moral lesson out of the way I have to prep a set for tonight. I am working a show at a 13th birthday party.