I predict that The Dark Knight will not win Best Picture.

Thinking about the Oscars this year I am reminded of what Clubber Lang said in Rocky III when asked for a prediction in his fight with Rocky.  “Prediction? Paaaaaaaaain.”  Yes, I think these Oscars are going to be painful, namely because some of the best movies (The Dark Knight, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler) were all deprived of more substantive nominations. What’s worse is that The Oscars played completely into their own stereotypes.

As much as Duke University’s basketball team is a haven for annoying white guys without a prayer of success in the NBA, Hollywood has been stereotypically been branded “liberal” and “controlled by Jews” and in line with the “homosexual agenda” (whatever that is).  Faster than a black man could yell at a movie screen, the Oscars nominated Frost/Nixon – the fall of a Republican icon, Milk, a biopic about a gay politician (the best movie of the 5 nominated in my opinion), The Reader – a mediocre movie about the Holocaust, an event that is finally getting the needed attention it deserves from Hollywood, and Slumdog Millionaire – just the fact that it takes place in India will annoy blue collar Republican types.  The only movie that doesn’t fit into these categories is Benjamin Button, which unfortunately, is just not that good.

Of course the Dark Knight was about a superhero who is fighting both a Chinese businessman and a domestic terrorist using violence and wiretapping may have seemed a little too pro-Bush-Cheney, but it was better than any movie nominated.  So for Batman 3 I have some suggestions to get the deserved Oscar respect it deserves:

• Batman finds Robin and engages in a tender homosexual relationship with him.  Jake Gyllenhaalplays Robin (maintaining a connection to his sister from The Dark Knight and his brokeback co-star).
• Batman finds out that his uncle once read to an illiterate Nazi guard.  Susan Sarandon plays Nazi guard in flashbacks (can’t get more liberal Hollywood street cred than Susan Sarandon).
• Batman has to protect an ex-president from Texas who is dumb and played by Josh Brolin.  Film portrays ex-president as dumb and evil and Batman punches him at the end of the film.
• Batman stops fighting crime and has a trio of Indian men fight crime for him during the night with their alter egos as Subway sandwich shop owner, Dunkin’ Donuts worker and electrical engineer.

Don’t mistake this as some sort of conservative crusade, but this year Hollywood made their own self-indulgent Benetton ad with these selections and failed to nominate the best film of the year.  And don’t be surprised if Hugh Jackman is the host, simply so he can come out of the closet to millions worldwide.  Tom Cruise and Will Smith rumored to be co-hosting next year.

Bet the house on Slumdog Millionaire, even though Milk is the better movie.  Most interesting categories – best actress (Meryl Strep deserves it, but Kate Winslet will get the career achievement award (why did Pacino have to wait til he was 50 or so to get his career best actor, but Winslet is due at 34 or 35?)). And best actor – Sean Penn vs. Micky Rourke – should be Rourke.  Especially since Penn will have nothing to give a speech about with Obama in office.

God, I sound like a conservative douchebag right now.  Sorry about that.  I just really liked The Dark Knight (but hell I would have taken a Revolutionary Road or The Wrestler Best Picture nomination).