It was Easter Sunday and it seemed like a normal trip

on the train down to the gym after Church. As the 4 avid readers of my blog may know from my March 27th posting (Inside Man…) crazy things can go down on the 1 train on the weekend and this Sunday was no exception.

I was sitting and reading when a Latino couple in their 30s got on the train and proceeded to have an extremely loud and annoying argument for approximately twenty minutes about how to use a metrocard and who had the metrocards, etc. People in my car definitely found it extremely annoying by a lot of eye rolling and sighing. But nothing can make a young Latino couple make up faster than a homophobic, racist white guy in army gear.

As the couple continues to fight in walks a man in his early 30s dressed in full army camoflouge, in case the train turned into a jungle, with dog tags and a backpack. I do not think he was a veteran of any war, unless it was the War on Drugs, which he definitely lost.

This was no big deal, but when an apparently harmless man in his 40s walked into the car, army fantasy camp guy turned into Bill Paxton from Aliens. What follows is a severely edited (this would be like playing Scarface on network tv) transcript of the train ride:

Army of None: STOP FOLLOWING ME

40 yr old: I am not following you.

Army: YES YOU ARE. YOU ARE AN F—ING FA—OT WITH AIDS AND YOU ARE ATTACKING ME WITH YOUR FINGER

40 yr old: Just let me pass.

(exit 40 yr old)

Latino Male (LM): What is your problem (no longer fighting with Latino woman)?

Army: MY PROBLEM IS THAT HE IS A F—ING F—OT WITH AIDS WHO ATACKED ME WITH HIS FINGER AND WANTED TO MAKE HIS SPEECH, SO I EXERCISED MY RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN TO LEAVE AND NOT BE ATTACKED BY A FA—-OT WITH AIDS.

Latina Woman (LW): You can only get AIDS through sexual transmission.

J-L inner monologue: (in that case can I have your used heroin needle please)

LM: Yeah and watch your language.

Army: Why don’t you shut up bitch? (rhetorical question) I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU ABOUT PROTECTING MY SELF FROM (guess what) A FA—T WITH AIDS.

LW: Do you have issues with your sexuality?

Army: No I do not, but I do have a problem with you explaining myself to you N–GG-R.

J-L inner monologue: Well this just got interesting… and what about that guy’s finger attacking you?

LW & LM: N-GG-R? What?? And you’re a piece of white, trailer park sh-t?

Army: That’s right I’m a white trash N-GGA – with an A.

J-L inner monologue: good distinction sir.

LW: Do you know the meaning of the word N-GG-R? it means ignorant and right now you look like the only N-GGa/er in this train.

J-L inner monologue: You make a good point LW, but niggardly actually means cheap, but I get your point.

LM: What if I was to get up and kick your ass?

J-L inner monologue: Good question. What Would Jesus Do (even though it is Easter I do not mean JC, I mean Jesus, LM’s cousin)?

Army: take your best shot (arms open)

LM: Call me something and we’ll see. call me a Sp-c or a N-gg-R or bitch.

Army: Looks like you’re doing a pretty good job yourself.

J-L inner monologue: that’s true, but you were even better Army.

Train announcer: next stop 66th street

J-L inner monologue: Damn – my stop.

LW: (yells at Army)

Army: Well that’s cause you’re a Sp-c N-GG-R Bitch!

J-L inner monologue: Hey now that is too far. Unless me and my Latina lady have a daughter I do not see any SNBs. But good effort at unbelievably super racist comments – not accurate but the whole train feels your anger.

And then I exited the train, yelling to the conductor that there is a problem in Car #3, but he did not seem to care.

If you go back to the Inside Man blog (3-27-06) you will see that this is not the first time someone has added a race to the slur N-GG-R bitch. My uncle was once called a WNB by a student, so with that I give my final grades to the performers.

Army: A for effort – and shock. I mean most people only think that kind of racism and homophobia exist in movies and the Ali G show. However, your overall grade is an F for being a total waste of a human being and army fatigues.

LM: Overall grade C-. He loses early for yelling at his woman about a metrocard, but gets some quality points late for stepping to Army. However, when called to take his best shot he did not.

LW: A-. If she had been hotter she would have gotten an A+, but she made some valid points and unlike LM did not start a fight over a metrocard.

Subway Conductor: D- for not paying attention to me, but could be as high as an A if he called the police – who knows?

Guy with AIDS; Although he allegedly already has 4 letters I will give him another A, because he took a very harsh and unjustified attack quietly and without causing a scene. Of course if he was lying about having AIDS I guess it is much better for him, but he would get an F for lying to the riders of the 1 train.

All I can say is thank God it was Easter and people were acting civilized. I will be taking the 1 train on Saturday and Sunday (22nd and 23rd) if anyone wats to accompany me for the next adventure.

The Height of Comedy – 6 days and counting.