So yesterday, on a beautiful July afternoon I went to a Staten Island Yankees game. Funny enough premise. I wish I had had my camera for many hilarious photos, but alas you will just have to take my word for it. Quick question: What do the film Goodfellas and Staten Island have in common? As Karen Hill (Lorraine Bracco) put it, “I felt like everyone was name Petie or Paulie and every woman was named Marie.”

So as it turns out my party and I were sitting next to the extended family of the visiting pitcher named “CARL,” or at least that is what they kept shouting at him.

At a minor league baseball game everything is sponsored. The outfield wall is a series of advertisements, there are ads on the field and every time any sort of play happens it is sponsored by someone (for the record, for every stolen base by the SI Yankees, Verizon will donate $15 (not a misprint) to some unknown, unheard of fund. That is the equivalent of me donating a ball of lint for every reader of my blog. At last check, Verizon was shelling out a cool $30 for yesterday’s game. Slow Down Yanks – you’re going to bankrupt Verizon. And if you are ever in Staten Island do not get your car fixed at Fix-A-Dent because they have the worst advertisement I have ever heard.

And yesterday was Japanese day at the park (yes it was still Italian day, but there were some Japanese themed things). Minor League teams need to have theme days to continue to attract fans – nothing wrong with that, but with stadium announcing for three innings done in Japanese – it tends to annoy the Lou Dobbs in me. Oh, and the Yanks were playing the Vermont Lake Monsters – because everyone knows that there are a sh–load of Lake Monsters in Vermont.

Then I had a discussion with my uncle about where the team groupies hung out. I said that I wasn’t sure, but I heard Applebee’s got pretty crazy after games. But there were some groupie looking chicks scattered throughout the stadium. I hate to be a jerk, but ladies I think you have a better chance of winning the actual lottery, then landing this metaphorical lottery of bedding the next Derek Jeter. I have actually been told by a friend who played minor league baseball that stuff got much cooler at the AA level, whereas A was not that cool. I can see that.

Then we get to the contests. Every half inning included fan friendly entertainment, including a baby race between Anthony and Anthony (the announcer had to be corrected because the names are actually pronounced Ant-ny). I left the game after 7 innings because I had been there 2 1/2 hours and the game was moving slower than Stephen Hawking in a potato sack race.

And besides I had to leave to perform in a comedy show at a bar in Manhattan. Well, I realized that for all my criticisms of The SI yanks; I was their comedic equivalent. Here are some examples:

1) Although I have the same title as Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock – they are like the NY Comedians, whereas I am a Staten Island comedian (although from the Bronx).

2) The show was cancelled and I waited 40 minutes at the venue before finding this out. And I knew somewhere in Staten Island an Applebee’s after party was cancelled as well.

3) Very few people give a flying f–k unless you make the big show. Carl’s family was nice to show up, the same way I have a select group of loyalists that come to shows and I say thank you. But for the most part, who gives? Carl has an 89 mph fastball – I have a good Owen Wilson impression. Same thing basically.

4) I think that I may be violating Omerta just by talking about what happened at a Staten Island Yankees game.