67-15, what ever happened to the mercy rule?

I was a much better basketball player in college than I am now.  I was a much better basketball player in law school than I am now.  Hell, I was very good at basketball two years ago at the Bronx DA’s office.  But something happened in the last 6 months – legal and comedic life were impeding my ability to get to the gym.  Also, I had no hoops court to play on.  So I was stuck playing on a corporate hoops team once a week, which is not enough time to get your rhythm or timing or skill set to where it could be. So now I just flat out suck at basketball. 

Now don’t get me wrong – I still have decent sense of defense and passing and boxing out, but my stat line at the end of a game usually reads like 9 points on 4-17 shooting, 10 rebounds (I’m big and tall – that’s the only reason), 4 assists, 6 almost assists (almost assists are common in these leagues for missed layups, etc. on good passes), leaving me a point away from averaging an imaginary triple-double.

But last night, in an effort to start playing more I decided to play on my former high school teammate’s team at the 14th Street Y.  Now I knew I was going to play in this game for several hours, but that did not stop me from having an order of breadsticks and personal deep dish pizza from Dominos(unbelievable what that sh*t does to you breath and system, but the on-line order tracking is very addictive) 75 minutes before the game.  I believe in psychology this is known as self-handicapping (my halftime excuse was: “man, shouldn’t have ordered that Dominos!”).

I arrived at the game 7 minutes late and sat most of the first quarter watching our team accumulate a 15-2 deficit, or something like that.  What I noticed is that our teams had a contrast in styles.  The other team was an athletic, undisciplined group that did not play fundamental defense and cherry picked for layups and dunks.  Our team, on the other hand, was unathletic and bad at basketball.  Throughout the course of the game I made sure to run hard so that I could at least burn calories.  Also I began Obama’s stimulus plan to weatherize homes by laying up brick after brick (0-9 from the field for the game).  Our team probably had as many turnovers as missed shots so the game spiraled out of control.  But for much of the game we compounded our rust/lack of skill with unathleticism and laziness.  Always a perfect storm for any basketball team.  Final score 67-15.  Not a misprint. 

After the game I brieflyflirted with the idea of stepping in front of a bus, but decided to comfort myself with a cupcake from Buttercup.  While in the store a woman stepped on my foot and turned around shocked to find Sasquatch behind her.  She then said, “I think you are the tallest person I have ever seen.”  I gave her a smirk that was combination “really?” and “Go fu-k yourself.”  She then said (per my Ferguson appearance): “Do you play in the NBA?” I replied “The Knicks, ever heard of us (girls like famous rich guys, but a famous, rich as-hole is the jackpot)?  Yeah, we lost 67-15 tonight.  You’ll probably read about it on a blog tomorrow.”

Tonight my regular team has a game at Dalton high school where I gave the crowd the middle finger when I was in high school.  Better place my Dominos order now.