Last night I had a show in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which meant taking the L Train.  I have been on the L train many times and they were all uneventful (they even were generally void of homeless A Capella groups, black teens selling “M & M Peanut,” and Mexican bands with accordions).  Until yesterday.

L Train Adventure Part 1 – Bible Thumper vs. Shrill Gay Guy (“Gaytheist”)

At 740 pm I hopped on the L train at 1st Avenue and entering right behind me was  a young black woman with a book.  The Good Book.  She stood right next to me by the center of the train and said, “Good evening ladies and gentlemen,” and then began reading aloud from the Book of Revelations.  After a few minutes she sort of became white noise, but then my ears perked up when she began speaking of unnatural acts.  When she said “men began doing unnatural acts with other men,” I looked up for signs of a shrill gay man to start arguing with her.  And about ten seconds after I looked up, right on cue, a chubby gay man began yelling at her in a shrill voice.  Central casting could not have provided a better gay man – chubby, purple shirt, goatee, more lispy than Sylvester the Cat and a self-righteous atheist.  Here is a recreation of that event:

Sylvester:  Excussssssssssse me. Please ssssssssstop reading your book out loud.

Scripture lady: (Reading Bible out loud.)

Sylvester: Thissssssss isssssss rude and I would like you to sssssssstop reading.

Scripture Lady: (Reading Bible out loud.)

Sylvester: Excusssssssse me, excusssssssse me, excusssssssssse me – you are bothering me and I want you to sssssstop reading!

Scripture Lady: (Begins reading Bible slightly louder)

Sylvester: Excusssssssse me – you are not a good Chrisssssstian.  Is that what a good Chrissssssstian does when ssssssssomeone is speaking to you?  You ignore them?  You are a horrible Chrissssssssstian

J-L inner thought: What does a woman ignoring a shrill man yelling at them have to do with being a good Christian?

Scripture Lady: (Still reading louder version of the Bible.)

Sylvester: I can ssssssssspeak louder too.  I can do thisssssssss because I won’t stop until you sssssssstop you hypocrite.  You terrible Chrisssssssssstian.  I don’t believe in your book, but I do know that you are a terrible Chrisssssssstian.

Scripture Lady: (Still reading loud version of the Bible)

Sylvester: No one wants to hear thissssssss.  I don’t believe in your book and no one on this train doesssssss and it is a book of bullsh*t and I want you to ssssssssstop reading it.

J-L inner thought:  You know what.  Fu*k this dude.  Keep reading.

Sylvester: It’s a ssssssssssstupid book and you are annoying everyone.

Scripture Lady: (still reading Bible, now at normal volume again.)

At this point two different women asked the gay man to shut up.

Sylvester: My ssssssstop is next, but this issssssss rude and I want her to stop reading her ssssssssstupid book.

J-L inner thought: My stop is next.  Anyway this could continue for a few minutes longer?

And then I got off the train and it was over.  So I learned a few things on my trip.

1. Loud Bible thumpers are annoying
2. Shrill, flaming dudes who think they have a point to make – more annoying.
3. Bible woman started badly, but eventually won the battle simply by never responding or looking at Sylvester and by not being an angry version of Nathan Lane.

Intermission

I did a 10 minute set in the backyard of a Brooklyn restaurant.  I received several laughs over the sound of cars travelling along the highway that was about 40 yards from the performance space.  Then I went back to the L Train for more unexpected adventures:

L Train Adventure Part 2 – Shakespeare on the Train

As the doors closed on the L Train a man began quoting Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.  He was wearing a t shirt, shorts and knee and elbow pads, in other words, traditional Shakespearean garb.  And after his first few lines, a shout from the other end of the train from a similarly dressed man.  As I learned after it was Act V, Scene 3 of the play.  It took about six stops for them to act it out, including using the woman sitting next to me as an embarrassed, but flattered Juliet.  Then the train applauded and gave them donations.

All I could think was, “this is why Brooklyn is a pack of hipster douchebags.”  The people that dig this are the same people who “like” jazz music, and make a point to watch street performers and buy crappy goods at street markets.  Yes, we are sooooo cool because only in NY can you get Shakespeare on a train.  And the L train is also the train line, featured in the NY Times a few weeks ago, because occasionally impromptu dinner service happens on the train.  What a precious, hipster heaven of “only in NY!”

But what was most remarkable about the Shakespeare performance was that the woman who had been picked as Juliet had the “I would fu*k those guys” glow on her face the rest of the train ride.  So now I have to adjust my rankings of respected/lusted after artists:

1. Musicians (with Rock Stars being on top)
2. Actors
3. Writers
4. Shakespearean Train Actors
5. Courtroom sketch artists
6. Comedians
7. Def Poets

Thank God for the def poets.  And thank God for shrill, gay atheists.