Spanish for “R.Kelly’s play pen”

I was in Baltimore for a two day work-related conference. One of my co-workers had his birthday last night and his girlfriend came down to meet him so we went out for drinks. Looking for a place that would have the NBA playoffs on we stumbled on to a place called Iguana Cantina. Now because of it I may never have daughters.

First we go in and it is $8 cover for open bar (well drinks) for the whole night. How is that legal? Seriously, I drank enough gin to kill a family of four for only eight dollars.

The second problem was this was an 18 to enter, 21 to drink place, which means it’s actually 18 to enter, 17 to drink, 15 to get in.

I spent my last two blogs decrying the effects of Sex and the City on women’s values and Karl Malone’s statutory rape past. Somehow Iguana Cantina provided me with a sort of hybrid opportunity. I think in the last ten years the two most profound pop culture influences on women are Sex and the City (at least in places like NYC) and Britney Spears. Spears may be a sad joke now, but when she burst onto the scene in the late 90s she officailly made adult sexuality ok for 14 year olds on a mass scale. Or maybe she just made it public for everyone to see.

Either way I observed girls ranging from 16-20 dressed in a way that might make Larry Flynt blush. Although I was in a legally uncomfortable position of ackowledging that some of these girls looked insanely hot, which marked a transition for me in my position on the R. Kelly case. Hopefully it was only the legal ones that I thought this of, but to paraphrase Jack Nicholson in the Departed: “They told us you could be two things, you can be 19 or you can be 17, but what I’m saying to you is this: when you are staring down a pair of breast implants, what’s the difference?”

Ok, now that that creepy part is done with the night’s highlight, was meeting the apparent mayor of this aspiring rape den, Andrew. Andrew stood and spoke with me and my co-worker for a large part of the night. Andrew is a travelling salesman for Roto-Rooter. He looks like a slightly more handsome version of Jake Busey (Gary’s son). He was orange in color (a self proclaimed tanorexic), his teeth were exceedingly white (he had gotten them whitened at a booth at the airport) and he is from Maryland, but currently living in LA when not travelling. Every third person in the bar seemed to know this guy (and there were about 700). He informed me that that night he was in the mood for a “brunette or a light skinned black chick,” but that “legs were the most important.” Fortunately for him, legs, ass and the occaisonally vagagay were on display (I said these girls were scantily clad). If a girl met his approval he simply said, “Healthy, very healthy.” When I write him into my show – that will be his catch phrase. He also informed me that he won a date two weeks ago at the Iguana Cantina with a Rock of Love with Brett Michaels contestant. He said that he drew an arrow on his stomach down to his crotch and that that won her over. However, before he could “bag it” her bouncer told him no. Andrew was 26, which based on his familiarity with much of the crowd, means he is a repeat felon.

I have come to realize that even at 29 my values are already outdated. I just think when a pretty high school girl already has breast implants, parents have abdicated their responsibility. I think when a bar has an $8 all you can drink and allows teenagers in they are asking for trouble. And I think when a 17 year old has a tounge ring that’s terrific. My favorite quotes from the night:

“He could hit it.” – girl speaking to my co-worker about me. She was no older than 18. I politely declined.

“No titties and a gut makes bare midrift unacceptable.” – anonymous male looking at a 16 year old wearing the outfit that was deemed unacceptable.

“Healthy, very healthy.” – Mayor Andrew