After the wild success of my blog last month recapping a trip to my girlfriend’s nephew’s talent show at a local high school (the alma mater of GOAT Tom Cruise) I decided to see if lightning could strike twice and checked out an elementary school production of Seussical, a musical based on the stories of Dr. Seuss and not Phil Collins’ No Jacket Required.  Full disclosure, while I am an avid theater goer this show probably would not have been on my itinerary if one of the players in the show were not my girlfriend’s niece.  And fuller disclosure, I probably still would have skipped it if I had not gone to my girlfriend’s nephew’s show (equal work, equal aunt’s boyfriend attendance #Feminst #Ally).  So let’s break down this production of Seussical (which started 12 minutes late! Who the fu*k do you think you are, Madonna?!).

High Property Taxes, Low Microphone Budget

Glen Ridge, NJ is pretty pricey and you would expect a town that wealthy to have all the best stuff.  Well the best stuff does not include microphones apparently.  The first performer, in sort of a narrator role, had the mic cut off for about 40% of their time.  This would have been bad enough, but there was something else ruining my mood…

Elementary School Seats, Gigantic Human

When I went to the talent show I sat in the middle row, which was basically a massive aisle seat with about 5 feet of leg room. But for Seussical, the seats were assigned and though I had an aisle seat, it was an aisle seat that I outgrew sometime around 9th grade in terms of leg room and outgrew in terms of hip and waist girth in early 2023.  I would end up only sitting for the first thirty minutes before my right leg fell asleep “from the cheek to the feet” (that is my version of from the river to the sea).  I ended up watching the remaining hour standing in the back of the theater.  It was at this point that I realized I was at least 40 yards away from my girlfriend and her family so I was just a random, middle-aged dude watching a bunch of kids perform a musical. Speaking of a bunch of kids…

What is this The Ten Commandments?

I think the show featured every child in the town.  I have never seen a Broadway musical with a cast half this large.  And the quantity of the cast was only the second most disturbing thing about casting…

Is This Dr. Seuss or Dr. Wokeness?

The Cat in the Hat and Horton are two of the most well-known MALE Dr. Seuss characters. In the show they are both played by girls.  This is how it starts. Next thing you know we will have male elephants competing in high school swimming meets against female elephants and we will have let it happen!

The show was the abridged version (75 minutes) instead of the 2 hour, 30 minute Seussical that Lawrence Olivier made famous in the West End.  All the kids seemed to enjoy themselves and other than a few of the dads wearing their financial firm fleece jackets, the parents provided a pleasant audience.  And one day the 773 children who filled the stage will be able to say the performed in front of a comedy legend.