That’s who I open for on the road.

Last Thursday I got a call from Bananas Comedy Club in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ. They needed a feature act for Saturday’s 8 pm show. Pay was $100 and the set was 25 minutes.

Saturday I took an NJ transit bus to Hasbrouck Heights. Now the bus ride from Port Authority was only 25 minutes. I did not realize the middle of nowhere could be reached in only 25 minutes, but that’s where I found myself. But I was not alone. My girlfriend and an elderly couple from Germany or Brazil (I don’t know something weird like that) were with me. The elderly Germans were with us because they were waiting to go to the same place as us – the Hasbrouck Heights Holiday Inn, the location of Bananas Comedy Club. My girlfriend was with me because – well as if it is not obvious – I was performing at a Holiday Inn.

When we got to the hotel I sat down at the bar and ordered a hamburger and my girlfriend told me she would have the side salad that came with it. What arrived at my table was something that resembled a piece of the Berlin Wall covered in greasy phlegm. I ate three bites and put it down because I figured that was as much flesh eating bacteria that I could handle. My girlfriend declined the side salad, primarily because the site of my hamburger, couple with the fly that landed on the salad and my hamburger were enough to turn her away. But the bartender did not charge me for it so she got a better tip.

Then it was show time. Before taking stage I met the emcee, who I actually knew from the city and the headliner, who with his bandana, loop earring and wide eyes resembled a pirate missing an eye patch. Then there was the audience.

I try to be as adaptable to different audiences, but many good comics are not for everyone. I have now developed a good rule of thumb for my audience success rates. You add up the number of people in an audience who wear Depends and the number of people who look like they know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried and then subtract the number of people who know what text messaging is. If that number is negative – go out and have a great set. If that number is positive I say a quick prayer and hope for the set to be over soon. I think my number for this show was 40 (total audience about 60).

Throughout the show I had strong support from the black table – like a high school cafeteria this club had a black table, and from the few blondes in the room (one of which was my girlfriend). The rest of the audience alternated between polite tittering and shaking of heads at some of my harsher material. During those jokes it is was particularly nice to have my girlfriend there because she would laugh loudest at those moments, either because she has a better sense of humor or because she enjoys seeing me crash and burn in front of the Columbus Society and the AARP.

The headliner killed after me. I would love to take credit for it, but I think he just fed their need for piracy and the issues they care about (lawn care, prescription drug care, child care – in other words he could have been running on a humorous political platform for Hasbrouck heights Village Council). And just for the record he was not gay – he just looked like it (and he made jokes about it).

But then again – what can you expect. When a comedy club is called bananas it is hard to get up on stage and expect a crowd ready to rock out – “WHAT’S UP!!! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK… Bananas?”

But like any comic looking for work I am happy Bananas gave me the opportunity, so thanks for that. And by the time I get work there again half the audience probably won’t be with us anymore so the next set could always go better.