Last night at about 11 pm I went to Food Emporium across the street from my apartment to buy some bread.  I find Food Emporium a soothing place at that hour.  They have air conditioning going full blast, a selection of rock ballads playing on their sound system and almost no one there.  Even if I only need to buy one item I will take my time to soak up the cool, calm emptiness (possible title for my CD in November).

But last night was not an ordinary night.  When I got to the register there was only one woman in front of me in line, but nothing was happening.  She had bought only what appeared to be four items, but the cashier did not know the code for the particular vegetable she was attempting to purchase.  I looked at the woman and noticed (in order) that she had the large perky breasts of a 20 year old and the old, stretched face of Joan Rivers, but more masculine.  I had strange feelings happening because the breasts looked fantastic, but the face looked like that famous woman who looked like a cat for getting to much surgery.

She had a voice that was also ambiguous – is it a man with lots of hormone therapy or is it her lip injections and skin tightenings just manipulating her speaking style?  Fortunately confusion, revulsion and erection were all suppressed by my most reliable emotion: anger.  As my bread slid down the conveyor belt, she began to give my bread the Heisman.  Even though her items were already registered except for the vegetable, which the cashier was holding.  She must have stiff-armed my bread three times in five seconds before I could get the plastic divider down, which wasn’t even necessary because her items were done.  Of course I was slightly less combative because her rack had just enough power to stop my anger from becoming verbal and confrontational.  But right on cue to back me up, another person got on line behind me.  And it was apparent from his bloodshot eyes, his all organic purchases and his fierce gaze that he was a gay.

And after about ten seconds of waiting he was none too pleased.  Here is how the rest of the Food Emporium trip went down:

Cashier: What is the code for this? (holding up odd vegetable)

Cashier with more experience coming back from her break: 6563 (or something like that)

Cashier types in code with vegetables in bag.  Nothing happens.  Gay guy is steaming.  Seriously.  Puffs of white smoke are coming from both ears and his asshole.

Experienced Cashier: Oh that is because the bag is affecting the scale.

Experienced cashier removes vegetables from the bag and weighs them with the code.  All seems well.

Titsface: That is what I was trying to avoid.  Now they’re dirty.  I am not sure I want them.

Guy Fierce: Are you serious???  They’re perfectly fine.  Just buy them.  They have been a million disgusting places – just wash them.  God!!!

J-L inner monologue: Oh good lord.  This is what happens when you mix Glee and alcohol.  Calm down and save your voice for singing along at your next Britney Spears commercial.

Titsface:  Oh you can wash these?  You can wash them with soap?

(I assumed Titsface was being sarcastic)

Guy Fierce: Yessss!

Titsface: You can wash vegetables with soap?

Guy Fierce: Yessss, my nutritionist told me that that is the way I should prepare my food and it is perfectly ok.

J-L inner monologue: Dammit Glee!  I was on your side against this Tit monster, but you bring your nutritionist into an argument?!  Do your private yoga instructor and anal bleacher want to weigh in as well?

Titsface: You wash all of your vegetables with soap and water? (I suppose trying to catch him in some sort of lie or inconsistency about vegetable preparation)

Guy Fierce: Yeah!  (“gotcha bitch” voice)

Titsface: Even lettuce?

Guy Fierce: No

Titsface: So not all vegetables! (I rest my stupid case!)

During these last few lines the cashier cashed me out and I left to the sounds of bickering.  I had a smile on my face as I left Food Emporium, but that quickly went away as I realized that old women with too much surgery and shrill gay men with substance abuse problems are who I will need to impress if I am ever going to make it in this business.