The Democratic Convention – Day 1

Theme: the Obamas are human.

Last night I watched a couple of hours of the Democratic Convention and came away under whelmed. I thought John Legend was the best performance of the night and I am not even a huge fan of the guy.

I am really tied of the Clinton bashing, especially by Democrats. They were not perfect, but eight years of peace and prosperity deserve a little more respect. Here are my main gripes with the Clinton bashing:

1) Bill Clinton may actually love his wife. That’s right – even though everyone thinks it is a partnership and not a marriage, isn’t it possible that Bill Clinton was tired of his wife being called a bitch and being disrespected? One example comes to mind – my Mother is my Father’s biggest critic, but if anyone not sharing the same last name as her offers a criticism of my father she will still get defensive. Even I cringe when someone other than me says something too harsh about an ex of mine, despite however many diatribes I may spew. Same thing for Bill, at least.

2) Stop with the “Bill Clinton is a racist” talk. Blacks abandoned the Clintons after 16 years of support because a black guy ran. If several million black people told you to fu-k off after a 16 year friendship you might get a little testy too. And the proof is in the problems that black leaders had within the black community when they supported Hillary, even after Obama’s candidacy proved it had legs. And I know that many black people nationwide did not really believe in Obama’s candidacy until after he won with white people in Iowa.

3) Hillary Clinton went to Yale law school. That is a pretty good law school too, so I have heard (although it is not a law center). If I had to hear one more CNN correspondent talk about what an amazing woman she is and how Michelle Obama went to Harvard Law I was going to gag. When was the last time these announcers gave credit to Hillary for her accomplishments? The lady was her own guest commencement speaker in college. I had Robert Rubin, former treasury secretary. Williams 2001 will regret not giving me the spotlight.

4) Hillary supporters have a right to be pissed about Obama. He lumped her in with George W. Bush for the entire primary, which is as insulting as can be to a Democrat, but then seized a good chunk of her platform once she was out of the race.

5. I did not think Michelle Obama’s speech was anything special. It was fine.

My brother thinks the first female president will be Michelle Obama. I agree with him more broadly that the first female president will most likely be a woman of color. That is because, as tough and sneer-y as Michelle Obama can appear at times, no one will call her a bitch. Not because they are afraid of appearing sexist, but because they fear calling a black woman any name could be greeted with accusations of racism. Hillary Clinton has no such buffer, which is why I think white woman feel strongly about her candidacy, because her womanhood is 100% of her identity. I think she is a poll driven political machine, but that does not mean that she is not smart and well-intentioned. I feel the same way about Obama, but somehow that gets greeted with much more hostility. I hope Obama wins, but then I hope people will give the Clintons a break. They cast a big shadow on the convention because they should. They are one of the top 3 political families in this country and should be given the respect they are due.

Vacation Is Over

I did very little and it felt terrific.

The most exhausting thing I think I did on vacation was watch Usain Bolt run. Watching that guy run is like observing evolution’s next development. What Michael Phelps did was incredible for the endurance and versatility and pressure he dealt with, but what Bolt did was more like watching a superhero.

So I watched the Olympics on vacation, managed to squeeze in another viewing of The Dark Knight (bringing me up to 6,034 viewings), and felt a heavy amount of stress lifted.

When I used to be at the DA’s office, stress could pop up every once in a while, but when you left the office you could leave knowing that no one was going to try to bother you until the next day. But now, in the private sector, and with the worst invention since the nuclear bomb and breast reduction, AKA the blackberry, I am now in a culture of 24-7 stress. I thought about putting my blackberry on vibrate, but that is too stark a reminder of work. The vibrate jolts you out of your comfort zone, like ripping off a band aid. I prefer, in a masochistic sort of way, the chilling silence of the blinking red light that alerts me of a message. It is sort of like my own personal Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey, a frightening machine that controls my life.

So for one week I was able to feel stress free and it felt terrific. So I went down to DC to see my nephews and their parents.

The highlight of my time there was definitely seeing my older nephew give a big hug to my younger nephew. Gabriel, the older has needed some time to adjust to having a brother so seeing him give him a hug was great, but not for sentimental reasons. It was great because he hugged him and then tripped, taking both of them down like some sort of diaper clad version of the ending of Rocky II.

All in all vacation was great, but it came to a grinding halt Sunday night. Doing a show in Hoboken for 6 comics and 5 audience members seemed like it would suck, and it did. But funny how that seems like Heaven once your blackberry starts blinking at you.

Facebook Has Taken Over

I’m not the only Cauvin on the the thing!

After watching MySpace lose ground to Facebook like Roger Federer to Rafael Nadal I have now seen Facebook’s true dominance. Not only has my sister-in-law joined in the party on Facebook, but my brother has as well.

Less than 48 hours after I told a co-worker that my brother would never join because he probably viewed social networking sites as akin to the video games he proudly shunned during his exceedingly mature existence. However, I got a friend request from my brother this afternoon.

To put it in perspective it would shock me less if my 77 year old father asked to be my friend on Facebook. He’s so old his idea of social networking is meeting people face to face.

I guess it is only a time before my brother ends up sending an update like “Henri is feeling the Olympics” or “Henri is taking a dump while his two sons are sleeping.” Seeing innane updates from him will be like finding out Shoeless Joe Jackson threw the World Series. Say it Ain’t So Henri.

OK – it’s 3:30 am on a school night – time for bed.

Next on Maury Povich…

John Edwards… you are NOT the father!!!

This has not been a good political season for me. First Barack Obama turns into Harvey “Two Face” Dent, where his message of hope is more important and more meaningful that the man himself. Then, the man who I would have voted for had he still been on the NY primary ballot when I voted, John Edwards, turns out to have had an affair. Granted, it was while his wife was in remission for cancer, so it could have been worse – you know like if he was banging his wife’s oncologist while she was giving her the diagnosis – that would have been worse.

It just further brings me down in thinking that all politicians share the same arrogant scumbag gene. Don’t get me wrong I think people are inherently selfish and that politicians who think they are untouchable or athletes who juice up are actually just more courageous narcissists compared with average selfish prick who obeys mores and rules only because he is afraid to get caught. I know and have met a lot of bad people who love it when they see a priest accused of abuse or a politician caught with a prostitute despite prosecuting prostitutes or an athlete using banned substances, not because it is what the person deserves, but because deep down, in places they don’t talk about at birthday parties, they feel better about themselves because their choices and selfishness seem more reasonable and ok. If role models or moral guideposts fail then why do I need to do any better? If the messenger has a morally good, but inconvenient message, it seems like lots of people can’t wait to see the messenger fail and thereby destroy the message with him or her. If a priest abuses a kid, does it mean that Jesus’ message of love and forgiveness is any less useful or good? If Eliot Spitzer rides a 22 year old JAP from Jersey bareback does that mean that prostitution is no longer a social ill? Because Lance Armstrong probably had more drugs than blood coursing through his veins does that make his message to Cancer survivors any less important?

But I liked John Edwards, and I guess still do, but I suppose he’s just another seemingly good guy who turns out to be full of sh-t to some degree.

I would just like to see John Edwards on the Maury Povich show debating paternity:

John E: Maury, before the results come out I would just like to say that I have learned from my mistakes and believe that we still live in a divided America, two Americas if you will, and that I will resume my work of fighting poverty, no matter what the result of the test.

Maury: Ok – thank you. Are you ready?

John (thoughtfully squinting and pursing his lips): yes Maury

Maury: John Edwards, you are NOT the father.

John: Yes!! Yes!! That’s right bitch!! I am not the father – there are two Americas… and you are not getting child support in either one!!!! I told you I told you!!!!

That would make for some great television.

Is The Dark Knight the Greatest Movie of All…

I present 4 tests to determine the answer.

The Dark Knight has entered the J-L Top Movies of all Time Discussion (a sad place in the corner of my mind where even the rest of my brain does not give a sh-t what I am talking about). I decided after many requests (actually, only one, by a Russian comic named Slava) to see what my top movies of all time are and if The Dark Knight makes it to the top of the list. I will evaluate movies on several categories and see where TDK stands.

TEST #1: Is it one of your classic top films (meaning would your choices seem respectable to people who like “film” instead of “movies”)?:

A top 10 of these would be Amadeus, Lord of the Rings – 3 parts of one whole – kind of like the Holy Trinity of films, The Godfather, Saving Private Ryan, The Departed, United 93, The Insider, Malcolm X and… The Dark Knight.

So it passes the first test.

TEST #2: Do I enjoy it the film, possibly more or equal to the films in test #1, even if it is not technically on the level of those films (or something some people call “shit-y”)?:

A top 10 here would be:

Hoosiers, Old School, There’s Something About Mary, School of Rock, A Knight’s Tale, Arlington Road, Contact, Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, Music and Lyrics and… The Dark Knight

Test 2 – check.

TEST #3: How many times have you seen it in the theater?:

Two times: Ghostbusters, Batman (1989),Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990, not 2007), A Knight’s Tale, The Borune Identity, Terminator 2, Forrest Gump, Dreamgirls, The Fellowship of the Ring (once on re-release), Superbad

Three times: The Two Towers (once on re-release), The Return of the King, Fahrenheit 9/11, Sicko (obviously if Michael Moore stars as Bilbo in The Hobbit we may have to re-evaluate all of this)

Four times (pending – Imax tickets in hand): The Dark Knight (test 3 check)

Test #4: Would you forgo sex to see this movie?

Well this blog I think answers that question, especially if you a woman reading it. Only one movie probably cost me relations and that was the collective Lord of the Rings, not because I chose it over sex, but because the mere mention of the film can cause some women to dry up like the Sahara. Batman may be cooler, but seeing a movie 4 times will basically act as repellant to most women.

So after all these tests I think it is clear that the Dark Knight is now crowned www.jlcauvin.com’s best movie of all time. Just the fact that it killed Heath Ledger, almost killed Morgan Freeman and got Christian Bale’s mother and sister punched speaks to its power.

Money Maker

If the Dark Knight had a Celine Dion theme song it might have a chance to break Titanic’s record.

After only 10 days, the Dark Knight is already halfway towards the total gross of Titanic ($12 tickets I’m sure help this). The New York Times cited the brilliant marketing, especially of Heath Ledger’s performance, as generating a lot of the frenzy for the film. It was a great performance although I am not sure the Joker necessarily had to have tardive dyskinesia, but great work anyway.

This week, Christian Bale punched his mom and sister (or something like that – I missed the full report in US Weekly). Voila – more publicity, more money.

I anticipate a bestiality charge against Michael Caine this week. I will try to employ all three of these promotional techniques right after my 2nd CD is finished.

But there is obviously going to be a third Batman film in this series. I just want to know how they are going to convince Morgan Freeman to kill himself. If people want to see the guy who played Enis (for humor I always pronounced the character’s name with a hard e – pun intended) in Brokeback Mountain, then there will be an even greater desire to see Freeman’s last performance. My guess is that his final performance will be filled with warmth and giving sonorously good advice to a bunch of white people.

For the record The Dark Knight is the best movie of the year so far. Sorry Sex and the City.

0 for 5

The Wire and the Emmys

It’s that time again. Time for the Emmys to recognize the excellence in white entertainment. The best drama nominees came out today. They are House, Dexter, Mad Men, Boston Legal, Lost and Damages. For the fifth season, the Wire goes unrecognized. That is probably good because this was the worst season of the show, which although still the best thing on television, would be sort of insulting to the previous seasons if it were honored for this. Sort of like convicting OJ Simpson for shoplifting.

I have Mad Men on DVD and am keeping an open mind on that show’s quality because I have heard so many good things.

I have seen some episodes of Dexter. Not bad at all. Not as good as the Wire.

House – we get it you are a sarcastic super doctor. Not as good as the Wire

Lost – I finally gave up on this show halfway through season 4. Possibly the greatest contrast to the Wire. The Wire has had a theme and a purpose throughout. Lost writers seem destined to find theirs one of these days. A really overrated show.

Damages should be called infinite plot twists. At some point a 14th plot twist just makes you roll your eyes.

Boston Legal I have always felt is a bad show. But it stars many TV favorites (William Shatner, Candice Bergen) so it seems firmly planted in this category.

I actually thought this year Barack Obama could help The Wire’s chances. He said it is his favorite show, although based on what the middle of the country thinks, maybe he has changed his mind to Two and a Half Men.

I just don’t think the race factor can be ignored with regards to the Wire. It may very well be the centerpiece of college courses in the future, but cannot be recognized by the Emmy voters? I wonder why…

This reminds me of the joke that Paul Mooney told. “Hollywood is too much. The Last Samurai starring Tom Cruise. The Mexican starring Brad Pitt. I have a movie for Hollywood. It’s called The Last Ni-ger on Earth, starring Tom Hanks.”

Deadwood and The Sopranos were just as vulgar, if not more so than the Wire, but both earned multiple best drama nominations (and wins). David Milch, the creator of Deadwood is developing a new drama on police in the 1970s. My guess is that the majority of the blacks in the case will be behind bars. Critics will hail it as a “gritty, honest portrayal” or some sh-t like that and the Emmy nominations will happen. What a disgrace.

And don’t get me started on the xenophobia that denied Flight of the Concords a best comedy series nomination.

Predator: The Most Politically Influential Movie of All Time

If it bleeds, we can elect it.

In 1987 a movie named Predator came out. A year later the same director would go on to make the greatest action film of all time: Die Hard. It was an incredibly violent movie that featured several memorable, atrocious one-liners like: “you ah wan agly mathafacka” and my favorite, “stick around” after a knife is thrown through a man’s back.

But 21 years later, the movie has a new distinction – the most politically powerful film of all time. It featured two governors: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura and now there is a remote chance that it could add a third actor to that list: Sonny Landham, who is running for the Senate in Kentucky.

If you do not remember Sonny Landham’s character, here is a refresher: “BILLEEEEEEE, GET TO DA CHAPPA!!!!!!” (translation: Billy, get to the chopper). Sonny Landham played Billy, the big, silent Native American/Mexican/some guy who the white man had trampled who decided to fight the Predator with a large steak knife at the end of the film. Well, using that same great decision making, Mr. Landham has decided to run for one of the Kentucky seats in the U.S. Senate under the banner of the Libertarian party.

Fun facts bout Sonny:

– Needed a bodyguard during the filming of Predator (or another film, I cannot remember) to ensure that HE did not harm anyone (backers of the film required it for insurance reasons and the nsavory repuation of Sonny).

– Starred in an adult film called Big Abner.

– Has called global warming the biggest fraud ever perpetrated on the American people

– His campaign slogan is “If you give me your vote, I will fight every day in Washington to take away your burdens.” He probably means throwing a haymaker every time Joe Biden goes off on one of his tangents.

I hope Kentucky makes the right decision this election:

Elect Big Abner in 2008 – punishing evildoers, innocent bystanders and vaginas since the 1980s.

The Dark Knight

I hear Michael Caine gives the performance of a lifetime

Death has a way of making the good into great and the really good into legend. I sometimes wish that Guns N Roses had gone down in a plane crash right before they recorded The Spaghetti Incident, thus solidifying them as the greatest band to emerge in my lifetime. But instead that screeching psychopath Axl Rose is in a race to see whether China gets democracy before Chinese Democracy gets released.

Well now Heath Ledger is getting the benefit of the Kurt Cobain life after death plan. He was a good actor, who mumbled effectively as a repressed gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain. And now he plays the Joker in the new Batman film. (A Knight’s Tale his most underrated work).

I have been debating with friends as to whether it is going to be a truly great performance or just a good one that people have elevated because Ledger is dead. If it is the latter then I may have to radically change my marketing strategy for my second CD release.

“He was just a mediocre comedian with a law degree. Then he accidentally OD’d on GNC mega man vitamins and ginkgo biloba. Now hear the CD that has just been elevated from halfway decent to legendary.”

I have my tickets already for The Dark Knight on Friday and when I go out with my friends after I already have my conversation starter.

“Oh my God you saw Batman – how was it?”

“Really good, especially Aaron Eckhart – performance of a lifetime!”

“What about Heath Ledger?”

“Who?”

Then I will laugh at the confusion on the other person’s face. And then walk in front of a car so that the conversation is immediately raised from weird and stupid to bold and daring.

Suggestions For A New CD Title

“No C–try for Tall Men” appears to be the front runner

I am generally not a comic that courts controversy. I have had my run-ins with the occasional uncomfortable joke, however. My Schwarze-negger family reunion bit (which had to be retired after Chappelle’s N-I-G-G-A-R family sketch aired) is one that comes to mind. However I have generally strayed from too much cursing or too many truly offensive jokes.

Well, this Fall I will be recording my second CD. After seeling triple digits of my first one I could tell that there was a real clammoring for another J-L offering. And after reviewing my work over the last 2+ years I can see that my comedy has evolved into a huge pile of cynical, bitter awesomeness.

Now I may not come up with a final title for the CD until after the recording, but I want the title to reflect both the tenor of the CD as well be identifiable with a joke. Racial Chameleon is an easy example of that – introduced me and referenced one of my first big jokes.

So I am open to suggestions for what the title of the next one should be, but I have been fixated on “No C–try for Tall Men.” And yes because of how offensive some people find the word I have bleeped out two letters from it, rather than my customary one.

Of course there could be numerous factors weighing against me for this title and certin questions that would need to be addressed:

1) Will I get fired for such a title?

2) Will the Cohen brothers sue me?

3) Will C–ts be as outraged as when Bear Stearns went belly up?

Maybe the world is not yet ready for such commonplace usage of the C word. I was told by someone that the C word is like the N word to women, after I used the C-Word in adjective form (c–tish). That is why I am hoping that some Manhattan women use some of their hard earned hedge fund payoffs to form a rap group called CWA – C–nts With Attitude -redundant, yes) that could maybe propel the word into more mainstream usage. Then my CD title will not seem quite so controversial. Until, of course, women start informing me that I can’t use the word because I am a man.