Is The Dark Knight the Greatest Movie of All…

I present 4 tests to determine the answer.

The Dark Knight has entered the J-L Top Movies of all Time Discussion (a sad place in the corner of my mind where even the rest of my brain does not give a sh-t what I am talking about). I decided after many requests (actually, only one, by a Russian comic named Slava) to see what my top movies of all time are and if The Dark Knight makes it to the top of the list. I will evaluate movies on several categories and see where TDK stands.

TEST #1: Is it one of your classic top films (meaning would your choices seem respectable to people who like “film” instead of “movies”)?:

A top 10 of these would be Amadeus, Lord of the Rings – 3 parts of one whole – kind of like the Holy Trinity of films, The Godfather, Saving Private Ryan, The Departed, United 93, The Insider, Malcolm X and… The Dark Knight.

So it passes the first test.

TEST #2: Do I enjoy it the film, possibly more or equal to the films in test #1, even if it is not technically on the level of those films (or something some people call “shit-y”)?:

A top 10 here would be:

Hoosiers, Old School, There’s Something About Mary, School of Rock, A Knight’s Tale, Arlington Road, Contact, Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, Music and Lyrics and… The Dark Knight

Test 2 – check.

TEST #3: How many times have you seen it in the theater?:

Two times: Ghostbusters, Batman (1989),Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990, not 2007), A Knight’s Tale, The Borune Identity, Terminator 2, Forrest Gump, Dreamgirls, The Fellowship of the Ring (once on re-release), Superbad

Three times: The Two Towers (once on re-release), The Return of the King, Fahrenheit 9/11, Sicko (obviously if Michael Moore stars as Bilbo in The Hobbit we may have to re-evaluate all of this)

Four times (pending – Imax tickets in hand): The Dark Knight (test 3 check)

Test #4: Would you forgo sex to see this movie?

Well this blog I think answers that question, especially if you a woman reading it. Only one movie probably cost me relations and that was the collective Lord of the Rings, not because I chose it over sex, but because the mere mention of the film can cause some women to dry up like the Sahara. Batman may be cooler, but seeing a movie 4 times will basically act as repellant to most women.

So after all these tests I think it is clear that the Dark Knight is now crowned www.jlcauvin.com’s best movie of all time. Just the fact that it killed Heath Ledger, almost killed Morgan Freeman and got Christian Bale’s mother and sister punched speaks to its power.

Money Maker

If the Dark Knight had a Celine Dion theme song it might have a chance to break Titanic’s record.

After only 10 days, the Dark Knight is already halfway towards the total gross of Titanic ($12 tickets I’m sure help this). The New York Times cited the brilliant marketing, especially of Heath Ledger’s performance, as generating a lot of the frenzy for the film. It was a great performance although I am not sure the Joker necessarily had to have tardive dyskinesia, but great work anyway.

This week, Christian Bale punched his mom and sister (or something like that – I missed the full report in US Weekly). Voila – more publicity, more money.

I anticipate a bestiality charge against Michael Caine this week. I will try to employ all three of these promotional techniques right after my 2nd CD is finished.

But there is obviously going to be a third Batman film in this series. I just want to know how they are going to convince Morgan Freeman to kill himself. If people want to see the guy who played Enis (for humor I always pronounced the character’s name with a hard e – pun intended) in Brokeback Mountain, then there will be an even greater desire to see Freeman’s last performance. My guess is that his final performance will be filled with warmth and giving sonorously good advice to a bunch of white people.

For the record The Dark Knight is the best movie of the year so far. Sorry Sex and the City.

0 for 5

The Wire and the Emmys

It’s that time again. Time for the Emmys to recognize the excellence in white entertainment. The best drama nominees came out today. They are House, Dexter, Mad Men, Boston Legal, Lost and Damages. For the fifth season, the Wire goes unrecognized. That is probably good because this was the worst season of the show, which although still the best thing on television, would be sort of insulting to the previous seasons if it were honored for this. Sort of like convicting OJ Simpson for shoplifting.

I have Mad Men on DVD and am keeping an open mind on that show’s quality because I have heard so many good things.

I have seen some episodes of Dexter. Not bad at all. Not as good as the Wire.

House – we get it you are a sarcastic super doctor. Not as good as the Wire

Lost – I finally gave up on this show halfway through season 4. Possibly the greatest contrast to the Wire. The Wire has had a theme and a purpose throughout. Lost writers seem destined to find theirs one of these days. A really overrated show.

Damages should be called infinite plot twists. At some point a 14th plot twist just makes you roll your eyes.

Boston Legal I have always felt is a bad show. But it stars many TV favorites (William Shatner, Candice Bergen) so it seems firmly planted in this category.

I actually thought this year Barack Obama could help The Wire’s chances. He said it is his favorite show, although based on what the middle of the country thinks, maybe he has changed his mind to Two and a Half Men.

I just don’t think the race factor can be ignored with regards to the Wire. It may very well be the centerpiece of college courses in the future, but cannot be recognized by the Emmy voters? I wonder why…

This reminds me of the joke that Paul Mooney told. “Hollywood is too much. The Last Samurai starring Tom Cruise. The Mexican starring Brad Pitt. I have a movie for Hollywood. It’s called The Last Ni-ger on Earth, starring Tom Hanks.”

Deadwood and The Sopranos were just as vulgar, if not more so than the Wire, but both earned multiple best drama nominations (and wins). David Milch, the creator of Deadwood is developing a new drama on police in the 1970s. My guess is that the majority of the blacks in the case will be behind bars. Critics will hail it as a “gritty, honest portrayal” or some sh-t like that and the Emmy nominations will happen. What a disgrace.

And don’t get me started on the xenophobia that denied Flight of the Concords a best comedy series nomination.

Predator: The Most Politically Influential Movie of All Time

If it bleeds, we can elect it.

In 1987 a movie named Predator came out. A year later the same director would go on to make the greatest action film of all time: Die Hard. It was an incredibly violent movie that featured several memorable, atrocious one-liners like: “you ah wan agly mathafacka” and my favorite, “stick around” after a knife is thrown through a man’s back.

But 21 years later, the movie has a new distinction – the most politically powerful film of all time. It featured two governors: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura and now there is a remote chance that it could add a third actor to that list: Sonny Landham, who is running for the Senate in Kentucky.

If you do not remember Sonny Landham’s character, here is a refresher: “BILLEEEEEEE, GET TO DA CHAPPA!!!!!!” (translation: Billy, get to the chopper). Sonny Landham played Billy, the big, silent Native American/Mexican/some guy who the white man had trampled who decided to fight the Predator with a large steak knife at the end of the film. Well, using that same great decision making, Mr. Landham has decided to run for one of the Kentucky seats in the U.S. Senate under the banner of the Libertarian party.

Fun facts bout Sonny:

– Needed a bodyguard during the filming of Predator (or another film, I cannot remember) to ensure that HE did not harm anyone (backers of the film required it for insurance reasons and the nsavory repuation of Sonny).

– Starred in an adult film called Big Abner.

– Has called global warming the biggest fraud ever perpetrated on the American people

– His campaign slogan is “If you give me your vote, I will fight every day in Washington to take away your burdens.” He probably means throwing a haymaker every time Joe Biden goes off on one of his tangents.

I hope Kentucky makes the right decision this election:

Elect Big Abner in 2008 – punishing evildoers, innocent bystanders and vaginas since the 1980s.

The Dark Knight

I hear Michael Caine gives the performance of a lifetime

Death has a way of making the good into great and the really good into legend. I sometimes wish that Guns N Roses had gone down in a plane crash right before they recorded The Spaghetti Incident, thus solidifying them as the greatest band to emerge in my lifetime. But instead that screeching psychopath Axl Rose is in a race to see whether China gets democracy before Chinese Democracy gets released.

Well now Heath Ledger is getting the benefit of the Kurt Cobain life after death plan. He was a good actor, who mumbled effectively as a repressed gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain. And now he plays the Joker in the new Batman film. (A Knight’s Tale his most underrated work).

I have been debating with friends as to whether it is going to be a truly great performance or just a good one that people have elevated because Ledger is dead. If it is the latter then I may have to radically change my marketing strategy for my second CD release.

“He was just a mediocre comedian with a law degree. Then he accidentally OD’d on GNC mega man vitamins and ginkgo biloba. Now hear the CD that has just been elevated from halfway decent to legendary.”

I have my tickets already for The Dark Knight on Friday and when I go out with my friends after I already have my conversation starter.

“Oh my God you saw Batman – how was it?”

“Really good, especially Aaron Eckhart – performance of a lifetime!”

“What about Heath Ledger?”

“Who?”

Then I will laugh at the confusion on the other person’s face. And then walk in front of a car so that the conversation is immediately raised from weird and stupid to bold and daring.

Suggestions For A New CD Title

“No C–try for Tall Men” appears to be the front runner

I am generally not a comic that courts controversy. I have had my run-ins with the occasional uncomfortable joke, however. My Schwarze-negger family reunion bit (which had to be retired after Chappelle’s N-I-G-G-A-R family sketch aired) is one that comes to mind. However I have generally strayed from too much cursing or too many truly offensive jokes.

Well, this Fall I will be recording my second CD. After seeling triple digits of my first one I could tell that there was a real clammoring for another J-L offering. And after reviewing my work over the last 2+ years I can see that my comedy has evolved into a huge pile of cynical, bitter awesomeness.

Now I may not come up with a final title for the CD until after the recording, but I want the title to reflect both the tenor of the CD as well be identifiable with a joke. Racial Chameleon is an easy example of that – introduced me and referenced one of my first big jokes.

So I am open to suggestions for what the title of the next one should be, but I have been fixated on “No C–try for Tall Men.” And yes because of how offensive some people find the word I have bleeped out two letters from it, rather than my customary one.

Of course there could be numerous factors weighing against me for this title and certin questions that would need to be addressed:

1) Will I get fired for such a title?

2) Will the Cohen brothers sue me?

3) Will C–ts be as outraged as when Bear Stearns went belly up?

Maybe the world is not yet ready for such commonplace usage of the C word. I was told by someone that the C word is like the N word to women, after I used the C-Word in adjective form (c–tish). That is why I am hoping that some Manhattan women use some of their hard earned hedge fund payoffs to form a rap group called CWA – C–nts With Attitude -redundant, yes) that could maybe propel the word into more mainstream usage. Then my CD title will not seem quite so controversial. Until, of course, women start informing me that I can’t use the word because I am a man.

Change We Can’t Believe In

I have been a big supporter of Obama, but the more I hear, the more I think we all got duped into Politics-As-Usual 2.0: A smoother, more polished, more inspirational bag of sh-t.

A few things have troubled me recently, namely Barack Obama’s positions on the Supreme Court decision on the Second Amendment and troop withdrawals in Iraq.

First, there’s Obama’s statement about “respecting individual’s right to bear arms, but appreciating communities’ need to protect themselves from gun violence.” I am paraphrasing, but I recall “respect” and “appreciation” being cornerstones of his statement. In other words, no one knows how he actually feels on this volatile issue.

Second, one of the greatest distinctions he had from Hillary Clinton was that he was for quick withdrawal of troops and against the war form the beginning. Well, now that Hillary is gone he is coming around to reevaluating how long the troops will be there and will have to make decisions about what is happening on the ground. Obviously, but that sounds a lot less enthusiastic than his Bill Paxton from Aliens, “let’s get the fu-k out of here” sentiment before.

Basically I think Barack may be pissing down our back and telling us it’s raining. I now understand some of the disillusionment people feel for politics. But like love, I think you need to have believed or felt something with politics to feel hurt or disillusioned by it. There are a lot of mentally lazy people who hide behind that “politicians are full of sh-t” line because it sounds legit and is a lot easier than investing in an issue or forming a substantial set of beliefs. But Obama seemed like the real deal. Reading his book and listening to him speak inspired me. He was someone who spoke on religion and race in ways that I felt deeply and personally. But I am pretty sure that he is politics even more than usual.

Now the alternative is John McCain, which is not one that I am for. But something tells me that he has some dirt that he is holding back on Barry. A man with the confidence to run for president after a paper route in Chicago and one year in the U.S. Senate has probably strayed once or twice in his marriage. A man married to Michelle Obama has definitely strayed. That’s cheating squared.

So I think the chances of seeing a McCain presidency is getting greater each day, but that depends on which running mate polls stronger for Obama, Black Pride or White Guilt because both are doing a good job of helping Obama avoid heavy criticism.

Gloucester, MA and the NBA Draft

Two places for women who seek pregnancy.

There has been a story recently about a pact several girls (mostly high school sophomores) in Gloucester, MA who decided they all wanted to get pregnant. And many of them did, causing the worst disaster to affect Gloucester, MA since The Perfect Storm (both the actual tragedy of the storm that killed several fishermen, as well as the terrible film about it). In some articles I have read, it has been called the Juno effect, giving me yet another reason to hate that film. Between 17 and 20 high school sophomores at this high school became pregnant. One went so far as to get impregnated by a homeless man, which is a pretty interesting coincidence since the yearbook staff picked her as most likely to smell like urine.

It has become fashionable or intellectual to decry morals or ethics, especially when they come from centers of power like religions or government, but the truth is clearly these girls could use some help from someone. And this is not about any one hot button issue, but we are increasingly apathetic to war, STDs are rising again and we are becoming a country with a wider gap between rich and poor. Instead of “Yes we can,” perhaps Obama’s mantra should be, “Maybe we shouldn’t.”

The hypocrisy of the social conservatives makes their message seem less worthy, but there is still some value to appreciating and believing in something other than “having fun” and trying to always be happy. There is some sh*t in the world that requires people to take notice and sometimes be unhappy with it. Like the homeless woman who lives outside my building. She is about 65, sleeping on the street in rags. Sometimes I, and others, bring her water or granola bars, etc. I would actually bring her a meal everyday, but she seems uncomfortable with commitment so I am trying to give her her space. And just the other day I brought her a cookie and she said, “This is not working, the guy down the block brought me a slice of pizza and you bring me a cookie?” Even homeless women in this city have a sense of entitlement. But I digress…

Perhaps the situation in Gloucester also drew attention because it was a bunch of girls in a white town in Massachusetts and not some black and latina girls in the Bronx. As Eminem said, “was never a problem in Harlem only in Boston, after it bothered the fathers of daughters starting to blossom.”

And fu-king a homeless guy? That will make an awkward prom date. “Yeah, Bob is so mature unlike these high school guys and he can buy us beer, but he needs money, and a driver’s license, and lithium.”

On the flip side is the more conventional way to get pregnant… the NBA Draft. One of these days I am going to go out with my friend Manny (6’7″ from Zimbabwe, built like an NBA small forward and has requisite ear bling), put on a 5 button suit and my Utah Jazz draft cap and say that I was the 33rd pick of the draft and that Manny was the 31st pick of the draft. We will go to a Manhattan club and similar to the attention we got when we merely stood next to the Giant’s Michael Strahan in a bar a few years ago, we will watch the money hungry chicks (sorry – security hungry chicks) come. Some might think this is a little sleazy and shady, but if a woman who does not know enough about the sport to know that I do not play, but likes the money associated with it so much that she is willing to throw herself at someone who may have been drafted, isn’t she getting the reward commensurate with her character? In fact, perhaps our sleaziness could be just the wake up call she needs to stop living such a shallow life. So, in advance air-headed gold diggers, I say you are welcome. Yes we can.

My Weekend at Caroline’s

I need some fu-king sleep.

This weekend I hosted at Caroline’s, which was a nice opportunity to get seen and PAID by a New York City comedy club. However, my schedule was a little tough: 1230 am Friday (followed by 230 am prom show), Saturday @1230 am and Sunday at 10 pm. My contacts have not come out of my eyes since Friday. The lesson I have learned: comedy and law are a tough fu-king combination.

Friday’ show went well and then came the prom show. The prom show was important to me because the last time I did a show for college age/college bound kids it was in Minnesota in April and I had one of the worst sets of my life. The prom show gave me a chance to start performing better to that age group. The kids were from Staten Island, which immediately made me think of the psycho groom from MTV’s True Life. Never have I gotten so much mileage out of the phrase, “I will fu-kin’ gut you!” Got home at 4 am and after a refreshing four hour nap I was at the day/weekend job of lawyering.

That night came the worst show of the weekend. A crowd with a lot of ooooos and ahhhhhhs instead of hahas and guffaws. This was also the pimp crowd where much of the crowd decided it was time to wear red and black pimp suits.

After getting a robust 3 1/2 hours sleep Saturday night it was back to lawyering. When I left my office on the way to the club I decided to buy a milkshake from Mr. Softee. And the first thing Mr. Softee said was “Hey I saw you at Caroline’s last night – funny stuff.” My two favorite things, comedic recognition and Mr. Softee milkshakes.

Sunday night’s show was the most entertaining for one real reason. The middle aged Italian guy and his two escorts.

I was not sure they were escorts in the traditional, Eliot Spitzer mold. I thought maybe they were just career-minded New York City women. But as I talked to audience members and friends at the show the consensus seemed to be that they were working girls. Some things impressed me about these women:

1) Their taste in men. They were with one guy (I believe they were going to engage in a threesome after the show) and he was a 5’5″ humorless balding Italian in his late 40s. He probably has something to hide if he is taking these women to a late Sunday show. The old, “My wife kisses my kids with that mouth,” sort of rationale.

2) Their looks. Seeing a 10 in person is rare, but this guy was with two of them. I was informed that their hair and breasts were fake (possibly more), but I just thought they looked like nice people and that is why I thought they were 10s.

3) They were adventurous. As everyone giggled as they left the club it became more exciting when we went upstairs and the two women were posing for videos and photos making out with each other in front of Caroline’s with the Italian Stallion looking on.

A tremendous way to end an exhausting weekend.