NESN COMEDY ALL STARS

My first career Kanye moment. Sort of.

So after the Olympics and the conventions ended there was a momentary void before the kick off of the football season and the fall television lineups. With a stroke of marketing genius/luck I was on NESN (Direct TV channel 434 I believe) last night at 1130. So anyone who felt that there was no more major programming of national importance obviously did not search the deep recesses of Direct TV’s lineup.

Last night I was out on a date and I realized that I had the most Kanye/Puff Daddy/Other brash, arrogant black celebrity moment of my life. I actually took my date to a bar to watch me perform comedy. I had hoped it could be much smoother. Here is what I wanted to happen:

Following a secretly placed call to a crowded and popular bar, Channel 434 is on with full volume as I walk in. I act surprised and go, oh yeah I’m on television tonight, oh well, no big deal. People stop and gawk at the celebrity in their midst. I am carried away on the shoulders of newly acquired, adoring fans.

What really happened: “Hey bartender can you please put on Direct TV channel 434. I am going to be on it, seriously. Come on there’s no one here. YES – great.” Then I watch the set with a moderately amused date and a moderately amused bartender. Then I see that my favorite joke did not make the cut to the segment on TV. I leave having paid for two drinks each and leaving a $20 tip for the bartender being nice and playing the show with volume. In other words, even when I am the show I am paying a $20 cover and 2 drink minimum. Maybe when I get my own sitcom I can still be forced to bring 10 friends to get on the studio lot.

Next big thing – Funniest Lawyer Contest at the end of the month and next month the CD/DVD that will revolutionize stand up comedy in my family will be recorded.

Republican National Convention – Day 4

It’s not his fault, but John McCain is visually jarring.

I am not sure if it s the incredibly creepy smile. I know his arm movement is a little freaky looking, but there is something unnerving to me about John McCain.

The last day of the Republican Convention turned out to be the most boring. I kept wondering why the delegates kept chanting USA like they were at an Olympic sporting event, but it turned out to be their way of drowning out the sound of protest.

I did enjoy when McCain gave shout out to his mother and she stood up really quickly, either because she was eager to be praised or to prove how spry she was, sort of like Jack Palance doing pushups at the Oscars after he won for City Slickers.

The official count on “My Friends” was 9 (I am counting one “Dear Friends” as having the spirit of “My Friends”). I was off by about 500 in my prediction for how many times he would say it. What a maverick! (or as one sign said Mavrick – if on national television, try to spell correctly).

And then something happened that has not happened during either convention – I started to fall asleep. McCain’s speech was so f-ing boring. They say Obama was short on policy, but other than vowing to veto pork barrel spending and to wage a vague fight on everything, I am not sure what McCain presented. His job was to reach out to moderates I guess, but it did not seem to mesh with the rest of the convention.

My summary of the Republican Convention is simple: Despite being in power for 8 years and controlling the Supreme Court they have been victimized by the liberals who control Washington and it is time for them to take back power. So the choice is now clear: Untested Oratory vs. Delusional Martyrdom – so get out there and vote!

Republican National Convention – Day 3

Paranoia Strikes Deep

Before I get to the star of the show Sarah Palin (Governor Palin if you’re nasty), let’s look at the other players in last night’s convention.

Mitt Romney – millionaire businessman really knows how to get the conservative redneck crowd into a frenzy with references like “Adam Smith on steroids” (what the fu-k is he talking about?). Then he went on to hammer the “liberal” Supreme Court – uhhhhhh – this is the most conservative court in the last 70 years – I think they upheld stoning adulterers this past term. He also harped on the fact that if Obama is elected then Big Brother of the Democrats will be trying to tell Alabamans when they can or cannot have sex with their sisters and worse yet, Big Brother will be watching. Good thing when the Republicans were in power there wasn’t anything like widespread illegal wiretapping of people’s phones going on. Grade for Mitt Romney, D- (objectively he sucked and even if you are a hardcore Republican he sort of sucked).

Mike Huckabee was his usual humorous self and gave a solid speech, but continued this theme of Obama and the Democrats want to control people’s lives. Is it ironic that the most ardent pro lifers, who want to tell a woman what to do with her own body (which is really only acceptable if you are a porn director), are the ones who think that the Democrats raising taxes on businesses is akin to sodomizing the grandmothers of Americans. I give a B to Huckabee.

Rudy Giuliani – Quite simply, his speech should have been titled, “I think Barack Obama is a fag and the UN is pretty fruity too.” During his speech the delegates got a rousing “drill baby drill” chant, which to me was the environmental equivalent of the rape scene in The Accused. Overall Giuliani, who was a United States Attorney and cannot be stupid, struck me as incredibly stupid. Like trying to argue with him would be frustrating because he seems like the type of guy who can only understand his own point of view. And at some point he said something regarding Sarah Palin’s accomplishments as a woman, raising the dial of irony in the convention to a Spinal Tap 11. Because nothing says women’s empowerment than the guy who divorced his wife via press conference. But the convention seemed to like his absurd routine so he gets a B+.

Then it was time for the star of the show – Sarah Palin. She was powerful, she stirred my soul and she was enjoyable to watch. And her speech was pretty strong too. She proved that McCain has his attack dog, even if she is a cute purse dog. I thought her attacks were more to the point and less likely to induce hate crimes like Giuliani’s. And then her family joined her on stage. I must say a very pretty family. And then McCain joined them on stage and I loved the ridiculously quick handshake he gave to Juno’s boyfriend. It really said, “You redneck hockey douche bag you almost fu-ked this up for me.”

Although I still like Fred Thompson’s speech best, Palin gets an A- (not an A because I cannot get over her “don’t cha knoooow” accent) and is Day 3’s MVP.

Tonight I think there will be a reenactment of the Hanoi Hilton on stage, just so people remember that John McCain was a POW.

Republican National Convention Day 1 1/2

The biggest pep rally/bake sale for a midwestern football team I have ever seen.

I ran home tonight to catch the juicy moments of the Republican Convention. I had many options on television – the Season premiere of the final season of The Shield, a show whose greatest moments include cops murdering other cops and the police captain being forcibly, orally sodomized. I could have also watched New York Goes to Hollywood or Mad Men Season 2 on DVR. But instead I turned on my television just in time to hear Wolf Blitzer praising CNN for the 1,004th time and to see Rachael Lampa singing. Rachael Lampa is a Christian singer-songwriter, which means she is pretentious (I hate the singer-songwriter label) and her music sucks. She was named singer of the year by Christ Community Music Magazine, which for eleven American families is Rolling Stone. Predictably, she sang her “hit,” “Blessed.” I also enjoyed how when she was done singing, the loudspeaker inexplicably started playing the beginning of Thunderstruck by AC/DC, another well known Christian artist.

So there was a lull during the coverage where the CNN cameras panned looking for an ethnic. None were found, but obesity and Caucasians were abundant.

Then there was a brief video tribute to George H.W. Bush, who had a look on his face that said, “I’m a smart, accomplished man and my fu-king Fredo-son got two terms and ruined my name.”

I then watched Laura Bush introduce George W. Bush. As they panned back to Cindy McCain I could not help thinking (this may be because I have watched so many episodes of Mad Men) that she had had sex with George W. Bush. She just had that look, that knowing evil smirk. Hmmmmm. The Reps then played a video that demonstrated that if Barack Obama is Jesus Christ, then Ronald Reagan is God Almighty.

Then something awesome happened. Fred Dalton Thompson took the stage. Either well tanned from a vacation or freshly embalmed, Fred Thompson gave a great, energizing speech. As only a professional actor could he whooped the crowd into a frenzy, even when he mentioned John McCain’s former stripper girlfriend, Maria the Flame of Florida. Remind me not to let Fred Thompson give a toast at my wedding. But he made an excellent speech, with the exception of his incessant throat clearing. Disagree with his politics, but he was as good as anyone not named Bill or Barack.

Then came the snooze fest known as Joe “Joementum” Lieberman, sporting his Boca tan. I look at the guy and can’t help that he should have been named Howdy Jewdy, sitting on John McCain’s lap moaning Hadassah out of his puppet mouth. Lieberman is about as charismatic as the growth of grass, which is saying something when being a political Benedict Arnold should be more exciting.

So Joe gave a good speech, not very rousing, but I enjoyed it when he praised Bill Clinton sort of. There were some applause, but based on the hostility on some people’s faces in the convention you’d think he had just said that black and white kids should go to school together.

All in all I was not disappointed. Day 1 1/2’s MVP – Fred Thompson by far.

Mad Men

A marathon this weekend and the theme for the RNC

So this weekend I watched the entire first season of Mad Men (and the 2nd season pilot). If anyone wants to know why PUMAs exist (Party Unite My Ass – the Hillary supporters) just watch this show. Taking place in a male dominated ad agency in the early 1960s this show features a few things in abundance – great acting, an unconscionable amount of smoking and drinking, and sexual harassment that would make Clarence Thomas blush. It should do for men what Roots did for white people.

But now it is time for other Mad Men, namely the Republican convention. Thankfully, Hurricane Gustav did not wreak complete havoc so the Convention can go on. Tonight is Joe “The Constipated Jew” Lieberman, George W. Bush and Fred Thompson speaking. If I can stay awake I will report on it tomorrow.

Wednesday is the day I am looking forward to – when Sarah Palin, the mother of Juno (any irony that she comes from a state whose capital is Juneau and her 17 year old daughter is pregnant – a.k.a. Juno – I assume The Daily Show will be rocking this tonight, one more reason why I should write for them) speaks along with Bobby Jindal, the young Rhodes Scholar, Indian-American, Catholic conservative speaks. His speech will be for Republicans what Obama’s was in 2004. But instead of the Audacity of Hope, his speech will be entitled “You’re all going to Hell when the terrorists blow us up! of Hope.” And then there’s Rudy Giuliani. His speech will be called “9/11: Bad for America, Great For Me.”

But in a sign that America is over the Republican party, McCain will have to compete Thursday with the kickoff of the NFL season. That is what picture in picture is for I guess.

Sarah Palin

Wasn’t she in Van Halen’s Hot for Teacher video?

I think John McCain has made a brilliant pick for vice president. There are several reasons for this.

1) If he had gone with any of the more obvious choices it would not have generated as much interest. A Mormon heartthrob, a Minnesota nobody and a Florida governor rumored to be living the lifestyle of Robin Williams in The Birdcage (according to my Republican sources) would not have been the newsmaker that Sarah Palin is (unless the governor of Florida got into a scandal about his wide bathroom stance).

2) His choice took Obama off of the headlines immediately.

3) She looks like some sort of teacher from a Cinemax late night movie that takes the glasses off, lets down the hair and… I’m just saying it can’t hurt.

4) She is a strong representative for the social conservatives. Hate them or love them they are a large part of the Republican Party and I think it is a good thing to see all political views represented. Although there is her wanting to teach Creationism…

5) Her family story will slightly offset the amazingly touching story of Joe Biden. She is a mother of 5 with her oldest going to Iraq and her youngest with Down syndrome. It may not be the way for everyone and does not mean other women should have to choose as she has, but as a woman (much more valid than a pro-life man in my opinion) she has clearly lived a pro-life way and no one can call her a hypocrite.

Another thing that struck me during Bill Maher last night is how quickly he went to referring to her a MILF and other such comments. Michelle Martin quickly pointed out that she had as much gubernatorial experience as Tim Kaine, one of the 3 finalists for the Democratic VP nomination. Coming back to the Hillary complaints – this kind of talk is the sort of ingrained sexist talk that, although not necessarily driving Hillary Supporters to Palin, could remind them to stay home on Election Day. And yes, I am aware that I intimate the exact same thing above in #3. But barely anyone pays attention to what I say.

The argument the McCain campaign will make is that the McCain ticket has put experience at the top of the ticket and youth/outsider/energy in a support role, whereas the Obama campaign has reversed it.

I think all eyes will now be on Palin, especially with the Republican convention coming up, and if she delivers a strong speech and debates well she will prove to be a wise choice for John McCain to sure up the conservative base.

The Democratic Convention – Day 4

I missed Al Gore, but then caught a pretty good speech.

I was mad that for the second straight night I missed a speaker, but I did catch Obama.

Excellent.

Some things I liked:

1) My favorite line – “Born into poverty? Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps — even if you don’t have boots. You’re on your own.” A lot of people love this argument and never realize how much they take place in life and influences in your life for granted as factors that can guide success

2) Second favorite line – “John McCain likes to say that he’ll follow bin Laden to the gates of hell — but he won’t even go to the cave where he lives.”

3) Joe Biden smiling like a guy playing two-on-two with Michael Jordan as his teammate.

The things I did not like:

1) Country music afterwards. Was Bruce Springsteen’s The Rising not good enough? Going with country music reeked of hillbilly pandering.

2) See #1

Great stuff. I will be covering next week’s Republican convention from my flat screen at my 51st street headquarters next week. I think it is going to be awesome. My predictions:

1) Rudy is the keynote speaker and will mention 9/11 911 times.

2) An Anti-gay male member of Congress will be found in a drug infused all male orgy.

3) John McCain will set the record for times uttering “My Friends” in a single speech (my friend and I plan on drinking every time he says it).

The Democratic Convention – Day 3

I was only able to start watching when John Kerry began speaking… did I miss anyone important?

So thanks to comedy mics last night I managed to miss all of Bill Clinton’s speech. I have seen snippets this morning and everyone seems to think it was strong (it’s Bill Clinton) so I’ll take their word for it.

I actually like John Kerry’s speech. Everyone keeps criticizing John Kerry for being a terrible candidate and running a terrible campaign, but to me apathy and fear are what cost him the 2004 election. People were fearful of terror and did not care that 2004 would be the true election of consequence (Katrina, recession and 3,000+ dead in Iraq since the 2004 re-election of George Bush). I say apathy because until people’s wallets were affected in their homes and at the gas pumps no one gave a fu-k about the direction the country was going in. Going to hell in a hand basket is fine as long as it is a nice hand basket. So Obama may say the time for change is now, but it really was 4 years ago and it should not have taken a guy who gives great speeches and text messages his supporters for us to know this.

I am a big Joe Biden fan and I thought the highlight that I saw was Beau Biden’s introduction of his father. It almost restored my faith that there may be some genuinely good people in political power. What a story.

So tonight all eyes on Barack Obama. The question will be whether we see John F. Kennedy or Dane Cook (in either case the fans go crazy, but one says something to move the country in the right direction, the other says nothing). If Barack Obama says “IN THE FACE” I’m voting for McCain.

The Democratic Convention – Day 2

Did anyone catch Dennis Kucinich?

So last night was the big night of the convention. I only caught three speeches throughout the night: Dennis Kucinich, Gov. Brian Schweitzer of Montana and Hillary Clinton. I’m glad I saw all three.

Dennis Kucinich is a strange little man from Ohio, but every year he manages to say the things (UFO’s being the exception) and express the outrage that people should feel. I think people who are not far left Democrats like to treat him like he’s bat-sh*t crazy because if he is not then we are all apathetic and complicit in the last 8 years of corporate malfeasance, environmental degradation and corrupt foreign and domestic policy. His speech was very “red meat” as they have been saying on CNN – ironic since he’s a vegan (maybe that is why nobody listens to him).

Brian Schweitzer of Montana gave a passionate environmentally themed speech. I had to turn up the volume on my energy consuming HDTV because my air conditioning was going on full blast, but I liked what he had to say. He sort of looked more like a coach who wanted to be pacing around a room, rather than a politician at a podium. But it was good stuff.

Then came Hillary. There is only one thing I think she could have done better than she did. She should have said flat out to her supporters, “If you care about me and my causes and are a loyal supporter than the only way to really prove it is to vote for Barack Obama because if you stay home or vote for McCain then you cannot truly call yourself my supporter.” I think there are some supporters who, short of that direct a challenge personally to their Clinton loyalty, may still sit this one out or vote for McCain. People talk about the right to choose being big on women’s minds and why McCain will not get lots of Democratic women, but the group most loyal to Hillary would require the archangel Gabriel to get pregnant. Other than that I thought her speech was strong and I liked the video they played before. As James Carville (he looks like an alien, but his analysis – albeit biased – I think has been right on about the Clinton bashing) put it – Hillary has set the table, but Barack must finish the job, or some mixed metaphor like that.

Tonight it’s Bill and Biden. Can’t wait.

The Democratic Convention – Day 1

Theme: the Obamas are human.

Last night I watched a couple of hours of the Democratic Convention and came away under whelmed. I thought John Legend was the best performance of the night and I am not even a huge fan of the guy.

I am really tied of the Clinton bashing, especially by Democrats. They were not perfect, but eight years of peace and prosperity deserve a little more respect. Here are my main gripes with the Clinton bashing:

1) Bill Clinton may actually love his wife. That’s right – even though everyone thinks it is a partnership and not a marriage, isn’t it possible that Bill Clinton was tired of his wife being called a bitch and being disrespected? One example comes to mind – my Mother is my Father’s biggest critic, but if anyone not sharing the same last name as her offers a criticism of my father she will still get defensive. Even I cringe when someone other than me says something too harsh about an ex of mine, despite however many diatribes I may spew. Same thing for Bill, at least.

2) Stop with the “Bill Clinton is a racist” talk. Blacks abandoned the Clintons after 16 years of support because a black guy ran. If several million black people told you to fu-k off after a 16 year friendship you might get a little testy too. And the proof is in the problems that black leaders had within the black community when they supported Hillary, even after Obama’s candidacy proved it had legs. And I know that many black people nationwide did not really believe in Obama’s candidacy until after he won with white people in Iowa.

3) Hillary Clinton went to Yale law school. That is a pretty good law school too, so I have heard (although it is not a law center). If I had to hear one more CNN correspondent talk about what an amazing woman she is and how Michelle Obama went to Harvard Law I was going to gag. When was the last time these announcers gave credit to Hillary for her accomplishments? The lady was her own guest commencement speaker in college. I had Robert Rubin, former treasury secretary. Williams 2001 will regret not giving me the spotlight.

4) Hillary supporters have a right to be pissed about Obama. He lumped her in with George W. Bush for the entire primary, which is as insulting as can be to a Democrat, but then seized a good chunk of her platform once she was out of the race.

5. I did not think Michelle Obama’s speech was anything special. It was fine.

My brother thinks the first female president will be Michelle Obama. I agree with him more broadly that the first female president will most likely be a woman of color. That is because, as tough and sneer-y as Michelle Obama can appear at times, no one will call her a bitch. Not because they are afraid of appearing sexist, but because they fear calling a black woman any name could be greeted with accusations of racism. Hillary Clinton has no such buffer, which is why I think white woman feel strongly about her candidacy, because her womanhood is 100% of her identity. I think she is a poll driven political machine, but that does not mean that she is not smart and well-intentioned. I feel the same way about Obama, but somehow that gets greeted with much more hostility. I hope Obama wins, but then I hope people will give the Clintons a break. They cast a big shadow on the convention because they should. They are one of the top 3 political families in this country and should be given the respect they are due.