Last night was the final outing for my comedy team metaphorically based on baseball, but very literally based on failures and fading dreams.  We (the Philadelphia Phillies) were a strong team and here’s a quick breakdown in sports analogy form:

Philadelphia Phillies Scouting Report

J-L Cauvin – former phenom (national tv 4 years into the game), who has faded into the muck  of NYC comedy showcasing sometimes excellent, sometimes too dark, but almost always cynical or bitter humor.  30 years old and believes himself to be, in the spirit of Deacon Jones, the unofficial record holder for most bringers done in a career without getting a paid gig in return.  Is considering suing for metaphorical rape of hopes and dreams, but that might require him putting his law degree to use, which is the only thing other than seeing Fred Armisen impersonate Barack Obama, that can drive him to contemplate end of life arrangements.

Pat Breslin – emerged at the same time as Cauvin, in fact they did some early work together.  They were teammates for almost 3 years on a somewhat successful show in Hoboken, first called Comedy Without Reservations, which was then re-branded Internal Laughter, which was then killed by a wine bar.  Pat managed to show tremendous versatility working well with different crowds from Manhattan snobs to South Jersey morons.  Breslin just turned 31 and may have suffered a potentially career threatening injury recently when he got engaged.  As Cauvin proved, engagement can be quality fodder for a humor career, as long as the wedding does not actually occur.  However, Breslin’s wedding is on track to occur, which could cause his career to flourish with a wealth of new material or to end under the torn ACL of comedy careers: marital bliss/responsibility.

Jim Dodge – the veteran of the squad with 8 years of stand up under his belt and 37 years of life on Earth.  Sharp writer, sharp delivery, big presence, which have all proven apparent liabilities for Dodge in the comedy business.  He has found gold in commercial acting recently, which makes Jim the redemptive story for this team; as long as you get away from stand up comedy you can have success.

Game Recap

In Game 1 Pat went up and lost in what I would equate to a 8-3 loss.  He laughed it off and then I went up to try and get a win so that Jim would have a chance to close it out.  I then lost in a game that I would say scored 13-6, with me scoring 13 runs.  Seriously.  I blame the loss on the two tables of women in front, whose collective shrieks were able to swing the vote, which is electronically recorded on a machine which apparently is called, “the fu-k J-L-a meter.”  One was a group of black women who came during my Obama impression, but could not overcome the repeated mentions of black cock by my competitor.  Mental note – mentions of black dick trump black president, even though balck president too has a black penis.  Go figure!  The other table that swung the vote disproportionately was a group of stupid young women.   They were just stupid.  You can just tell these things sometimes.

Post Game Evaluation

So Pat, Jim and I left Carolines defeated and contemplating comedy.  These were some of the bitter, but completely factual things we discovered through a humorous 20 minute therapy session (I take responsibility for anything that may rub people the wrong way):

1. The women in front really were stupid.
2. We lost to dick jokes.
3. Bringer shows are the crack cocaine of the aspiring comedian’s life.  Except bringer shows give you a fake high.  Every comic should boycott bringer shows.  (This was not really relevant to the show we just did, but you get three veterans talking about comedy these things will come out.)  The genius of the bringer show is that you will get lied to early in your career when you are not ready because your friends will support you more frequently and the clubs know this.  So you get your friends to see you a lot, which is a waste of everybody’s time except the comedy club’s CFO.  And now you are hooked and can’t stop doing comedy, but you need those 4, 8, 10 or 15 friends to watch you, unless you just want to be doing “shows” in bar basements in front of other comics.  Now, after a few years you are getting better at comedy, but your friends are either bored, don’t care or are moving on with their lives.  But the club won’t pass you because you are not “ready” or (unsaid) not with the right agency or management company.  So you keep trying to get people, because this is the show where a booker, or manager or TV scout is attending (so the club says).  You have a good set. Or a great set.  And nothing happens.  Because all you are given are half truths or quarter truths or complete lies.  But you can’t burn a bridge. You cant insult anyone. Even if it is true.
4. So you end up doing a show in front of 45 people on a Wednesday night with two of your friends and losing to some dick jokes.   20 years of comedy experience not enough to beat off (ha) some dick jokes.  Oh well.