I didn’t even want to be in the finals so there.

If I learned one thing from my masochistic one day round trips to Boston it’s that I perform comedy better when I eat terrible food and lots of it. Maybe that’s why there are lots of fat and out of shape comics – there’s something magical in trans fat. So on the ride up to Boston I managed to sit next to the woman on a sold out train who thought that I was rude to ask to sit next to her – as if the seat next to her was exempt from the “this train is sold out” announcement the conductor made. She was a woman in her 50s who apparently was thrilled at these cell phone things that have been invented because she just kept calling people saying, “Hey it’s me, I’m on the choo-choo, call me.” By the time she called her fourth person I said to her, “Can you not just sit in silence or do something other than shuffling through all the people that apparently don’t want to talk to you? You don’t look like some 20 or 30-something vapid human who needs to be on their phone or texting to feel some sort of connection to the world you are old – you should have some substance and be able to not have to constantly reach out for meaningless, meandering conversation.” Oh wait, that’s just what I thought. All this time I was eating healthy snacks. What a f-ing mistake. When I got to Boston I went to Houston’s and had a salad. I then caught sight of myself in a mirror and being in Boston I immediately, instinctively yelled “Fag!” at myself. I then made my way to the Festival. It was cool to see guys in the semis that I know from different parts of the country, like Manhattan and Brooklyn, because I started to feel like a real comedian. Then I went on stage and gave the worst kind of performance I think there is: a B+. If this was law school and I got a B+ I would bring the exam to the teacher and say, “there must be a mistake – I am terrible at this law stuff so this cannot be my grade.” When a joke bombs I enjoy it because it generates feelings and emotions and tells you now you have something to work on. And when you kill it feels like the best drug on Earth – which for me is the smell of exhaust. But a B+ is comedy’s way of saying, sure you’re funny, just like the rest of us.

So the two guys that moved on from my preliminary were very funny and did have the best sets – Joe List and Myq Kaplan. My best material/rudest/awkward moment came when I was outside speaking to some of my former teammates and was approached by a woman who books rooms in Massachusetts and Vermont. Normally those are moments, like job interviews, where you want to make a good impression. The wrong thing to do is to stay in comedic persona and make jokes with sexual innuendo. Even if they are funny.

But I was hoping to be in the finals – it’s the second major thing I’ve had cancelled on me for this Saturday. At least I can count on having legal work on Saturday – they never cancel that. Now it’s time to start eating junk food again. I cannot afford to be un-funny next week.