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Well last night was the end of my 7 cities in 28 days “tour.”  It was by no means an official tour, but if it had been it would have been named “The 99 Percentile of Height” Tour or “The Slowly Killing My Parents” Tour.  Not going to lie it was fairly tiring.  But for all the ups and downs it ended on a high note last night in Philadelphia.  I recorded my third CD last night at Helium and we had a great turnout.  Thanks to everyone who came out, big thanks to people who spread the word and got strangers to attend and an even bigger thanks to people who randomly saw me in May at Helium and decided to come back again.  I appreciated it and you guys made it a really fun night.

I anticipate the CD being released in mid December.  I will harass all of you with that info when it becomes available.

Last night it was me and the old liberal Jewish brigade at the NY Times film club preview screening of J. Edgar, the new Clint Eastwood film starring Leonardo DiCaprio as the most powerful law enforcement figure in American History.   Despite my pleas for most movies to trim the fat, this movie chronicles a 48 year FBI career, spanning eight presidents in an even two hours.  And it feels too lean.  The movie is certainly not bad, which would be nearly impossible given DiCaprio and Eastwood’s credentials.  But it just isn’t the great movie I hoped it would be.

 

DiCaprio will certainly get an Oscar nomination for his performance, but unlike his Oscar performance in Blood Diamond, which I still think is his best, this is really an obvious Oscar grab.  His portrayal of Hoover spans five decades so there is makeup, and fat suits and an accent and odd speaking cadence.  In fact old Hoover looks like present day Jack Nicholson.  It all spells Oscar nomination.  Plus throw in the Brokeback Mountain element involving J Edgar’s long-standing relationship with his second in command, Clyde Tolson, played by Armie Hammer, known for playing the Winklevoss twins in The Social Network (I still think he deserved a nomination more than any actor in that film) and the odds of a DiCaprio nomination stand at 99%.

As much as I liked Hammer in The Social Network, something felt off with his performance in this movie.  First off, in the older scenes, it appears all the efforts in good makeup were directed to DiCaprio.  His older Hoover looks natural, but the old version of Tolson bears a resemblance to Dan Aykroyd in the 90s “comedy” Nothing But Trouble.  Secondly, Hammer channels the same affluent air that combines smugness and decency that he carried so well in The Social Network, but in more emotional scenes with DiCaprio he appeared a bit awkward.

Of course one of the most intriguing elements of a story of a man who spent his life collecting secrets to blackmail people in power is that he had lifestyle that clearly could have been problematic for him.  And yet it never seemed so much of an issue besides one emotional fight.  The cowboys in Brokeback Mountain had more problems than Hoover, according to this film.  That may have been the case, but it is hard to believe.  The film does its best to portray the relationship as a long standing, powerful bond, but without a lot of the details of the relationship it is hard to feel as invested in it as you are supposed to.

What the movie does really well from a historical perspective is show why Hoover was both a vital figure in law enforcement development (his early encouragement of using science in police work, getting the FBI significant power, etc.) and such a villainous figure as well  (his secret files that he used to blackmail political figures, his inflation of his own hands on legacy in apprehending criminals, and a particularly awful phone call to Bobby Kennedy).

And just one issue with Eastwood – why is the movie so fu*king dark?  I don’t know if that is for film critics who will say, “the dark tones of the film evoke the shadiness of Hoover,” or “the film’s dark style helps draw out the classic eras it evokes,” or some other stuff, but I would have preferred a few more lights on set.

I enjoy biographies and I like biopics.  And other than Lord of The Ring films, they are the only genre of film where I gladly watch long movies, as long as they provide a full picture of the subject’s life.  That is why Malcolm X may be my favorite biopic.  J Edgar hits on many of the significant pieces of Hoover’s professional life and gives the viewer a decent outline of his personal life.  But in the end I would have preferred a bigger and more detailed film that could have delivered a fuller look at both sides of Hoover.

Final Grade – B/B+

So San Antonio was interesting.  I’ve especially  enjoyed the t shirt stores.  One store had, among its t shirts in its front window, these three gems:

• Texans Don’t Call 911
• An Ahmed The Terrorist shirt (the dead terrorist puppet of Jeff Dunham, comedy icon)
• “Occupy This” – a reflexive rejection of the Occupy Wall Street

Seeing this and then performing for 10 people on the first night Thursday had me feeling like this trip would be painful.  And I was sort of correct.  We probably averaged about 60 people per show (in a room that seats about 300 from the looks of it).  I sold exactly zero CDs and received only about 8 post show handshakes (my new measure of post show success).  I did not eat a free meal at the club because I could not bring myself to pay for only half off a $6 sandwich.  It felt like being nickel and dimed while getting kicked in the nuts.  (possible title of my new CD)

Back at the comedian condo, which for comedian condos was solid, other than the mold on the ceiling of the bathroom and the roach I snuffed out Friday evening.  The shower head was only about 5’11” so I felt extra troll-like in the bathroom.   But I did get a lot of good sleep, which in my history is a sure sign of deep depression.

In a form of protest I contributed nothing to the local economy.  I have eaten at only major chains (Starbucks every breakfast, Subway or Fuddruckers for lunch or dinner and on Saturday night – ate at Fogo de Chao by myself), and Denny’s late night, where I saw a guy who looked like he was there to commit mass murder – I do not know what happened because when I saw his angry, deranged face I ate my 44 pancakes quickly and left.  In other words, “If your mindset is ‘Occupy This’ then fu*k your mom and pop stores.”  And The Alamo is a joke.  Both the tourist attraction and the film with Dennis Quaid.

As a quick side bar – going to Fogo de Chao by yourself is an interesting experience.  It is an incredible all-you-can-eat Brazilians steakhouse and it is the real deal.  My tally from the meal:

• 4 filet mignons
• 4 orders of mashed potatoes
• about 11 other cuts of meat
• 1 salad (sorry)

Now when you go to Fogo de Chao it is usually a communal experience. Going solo takes some of the fun out of the experience, but it also gives the impression to employees and other patrons that you are either some mysterious, eccentric, lone-wolf, man of means (I left the New Balance sneakers at home to give my best shot at creating this impression), or a pathetic loser.  One of the things I noted about San Antonio is the large amount of military.  And sitting in Fogo De Chao I was as close to joining the marines as I have ever been.  At a table in the distance were a bunch of marine officers on dates.  Apparently values are a little different in Texas than in NYC.  Because these women were hot – and not in a prostitute/porn kind of way so prevalent in the South and Southwest.  And the dudes looked sharp as shit in the dress uniforms.  So apparently in Texas you can pull a hot chick if you sacrifice your life and look good in a suit.  In NY you pull a hot chick if you sacrifice the money of other people, suit optional.

Now I know this has seemed like a long tirade against San Antonio and comedy, but there was a positive side. The crowds were better comedy fans than I expected.  First off – holy diversity Batman – every crowd, except the first one, was very diverse.  Asians, Latinos, white and blacks in every crowd.  Last week I compared the crowds in Syracuse to a sugar cookie where one or two chocolate chips fell in by accident at the factory.  These crowds had what Cory Booker has described as “a delicious diversity.” (and we wonder why Mayor Booker has weight issues)

Secondly, the crowds were willing to check politics at the door in a fashion that I was not prepared for.  I successfully called Rick Perry a moron (specifically that he is in an MMA match with the English language and by suggesting he may skip debates Perry is effectively tapping out to words) and likened the Tea Party to a dying breed of mentally handicapped people with favorable reactions at 3 of 4 shows.  And the crowd that did not like it did the right thing – they said nothing.  Unlike previous cities that boo or cheer at the mere mention of Obama, even after I preface that my impression bit is not a political bit, Texans at least here seemed to let the joke go before judging.  Which makes them a good audience in my book.

But therein lies the dilemma – the people who went to comedy shows this weekend had better senses of humor than I expected (granted expectations were fairly low) and conducted themselves with excellent comedy club etiquette.  So what was the problem?  We only averaged about 60 people a show!  In summary San Antonio stand up fans have a good sense of how comedy works, which was surprising.  Of course there did not seem to be many stand up fans overall, which was not surprising.

Oh well, like my favorite basketball team the Utah Jazz, I cannot say I came out of San Antonio with a victory, a profit or hope at where my career is going, but I do leave with my dignity.  Oh wait I left that at home.

If you made it this far in the blog – here is some actual good news – Tuesday night at 9pm I am performing in the Boston Comedy Festival and Wednesday I am recording my new CD at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia.

I do not know what perfect storm of cinema scheduling made Tower Heist the most attractive movie option for me this weekend, but it was.  So I saw it.  It is OK.  It was pleasant enough for most of the movie, funny in spots and decently acted.  It felt like a baseball player hitting a ball hard and having a chance at a double or even a triple, but content to just stay on first.

If you don’t know the plot of the movie, it is the story of employees in Trump Tower (I mean “The Tower”) who are defrauded when their wealthiest resident is revealed to have run some sort of Madoff scheme that lost all their pension money.  As a revenge scheme Ben Stiller leads Matthew Broderick, Michael Pena, Casey Affleck on an Oceans’ 4 quest to rob the resident (played by Alan Alda) of a suspected $20 million.  They are aided by a black criminal, played by Eddie Murphy, in what will now be called “Pulling a Horrible Bosses,” in which white nerdy criminal wannabes employ a black guy to show them how to become felons correctly.  This is obviously the reverse of pulling a Dangerous Minds/Blind Side/Machine Gun Preacher which is when one white person teaches or saves a large number of minorities (or a very large single minority) from self-destruction.

The movie never really reaches any terrible levels, but it is not that funny in the second half.  It tries, and I cannot even say the attempts at humor fall flat, but they just aren’t that funny.  Matthew Broderick was the most consistently funny to me, mainly because he is playing a nerurotic, nebbishy guy, which is probably the role he has gotten used to being married to Carrie Bradshaw/Dee Snyder/Sarah Jessica Parker.  Murphy is funny at times, but seems to almost be in that Mike Myers level of his career where he is sometimes the funny guy he used to be and other times just channeling his now-annoying character from Shrek.

I paid $6.50 for the movie and I don’t regret it.  Harmless movie, but not that great.

Final Grade – B/B-

Two smooth flights yesterday, so I did not have a repeat of the near-death experience from two weeks ago on the way to Indianapolis.  Flew to Atlanta from LaGuardia and ran through the airport OJ-style looking for a Chick Fil-A, but could not find the terminal in time before needing to get my connection to San Antonio.  I then found myself sitting right next to a young man, who based on his Mohican eyes and Native American necklace was definitely going to Harvard on a free ride.  He was six foot four and sitting right next to me.  So the two most physically awkward of the 180 passengers on the plane are forced to hip dry hump for two hours to Texas.

On a side note – whoever flew the plane from LaGuardia to Atlanta had the softest landing of all time in Atlanta.  This blog is often a bastion of hate (honest hate, but hate nonetheless) and I think it was important to point out a hero out there.  On the flip side the pilot to from Atlanta to Texas was named Jeff Davis (How did that name not go the way of Adolph – oh right because people in the South still think Jefferson Davis is a hero) and landed quite bumpily in San Antonio.

The comedian condo is located near The Alamo.  Not impressed.  I feel like 10 years ago I might have been able to just jump up and climb over the wall.  It seemed more like a taunt to the little people who were trying to take it.

At the show there were 10 people, all up front (a comedy friendly ratio of 8 women and two men).  Only one man felt free enough to laugh a lot so I probably directed 60% of my “skits” at him.  At the end of my half hour I observed the following break down of the group’s reaction:

• 6 people clapping (probably an even split of 3 appreciative and 3 obligatory/reluctant)
• 1 person smiling and doing nothing
• 2 people staring with arms folded in protest
• 1 person shaking her head disapprovingly

After my “comedy thing” I went looking for food in the shopping mall, but it was already 9pm so everyone was closing shop to prepare for the rapture, except for Chili’s and Hooters.  Now given the dismissive reaction I had just been given from over a half dozen women, Hooters would have been the logical, get even, degrade-my-enemy type move, but I went against my instinct and had a burger and fries at Chilis.  But on the televisions in Chilli’s was the show Revenge, so apparently women were not done ruining my night.  I observed 15 minutes of the show and I hope the creators of that show die alone.  Of course my anger took a turn for the weird when I was banging on the door of a closing Hooters screaming, “I cannot take our stupid, female driven pop culture – I want to degrade you with an 8% tip!!!!”

I slept about 11 hours last night (slightly interrupted because of an incredible loud cracking sound that keeps emanating from my window), which may sound like a good thing, but I have not slept that much since I was skipping classes, neck deep in depression, in law school. In other words – it is a great thing!!!!  That law school depression is what drove me to comedy.  Perhaps now I am being driven to find some other form of life that will offer temporary happiness and years of torment!  Def poetry slam runner up has a nice ring to it.

The title of this post is basically the Cliff Notes of what you need to know. But for further detail here goes something:

I arrived in Syracuse on Thursday after a relaxing, and by J-L travel standards quick, 5 ½ hour train ride at 3:50 pm and was greeted by the welcoming weather that calls central New York home:

Thursday’s show would turn out to have the smallest crowd of the six shows this weekend, but they were not half bad.  And the show was also notable because it was the only time my intro was said correctly in all six shows.  I will give you the correct into and then the not so correct ones I got:

• This guy has been seen on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and performs at clubs around the country – J-L Cauvin (correct)
• This guy, he was on The Late Late… which one is it The Later Night Late Show?  J-L Cauvin
• You may have seen this guy on The Late Late Show his name is… what the hell is his name? (picks up my card) J-L… Cauvin
• Give it up for D.L Cauvin
• You have seen this guy… he just did a guest spot on Leno… J-L Cauvin

I messed up one intro as an emcee in my life at the Cleveland Improv.  I was mortified and would have been OK if the headliner told me to fu*k off and asked me to be bounced from the lineup.  That said, I of course never messed up the intro the rest of the week.  But Wise Guys this weekend had three different emcees for the four nights. And none of them had a perfect record. I don’t really care except when your intro is messed up (especially on purpose as one emcee did twice because I think he thought it was funny) it just diminishes the modicum of energy and respect the crowd may have for the entertainer.   It’s like instead of having the dignity of a stripper, he was demoting me to Hooters waitress.

Friday I went to the Mall and joined Bally’s for three days.  I always enjoy my interactions with gym personnel in different towns.  I usually say “I am a comedian in town for the weekend and was hoping to use the gym for a few days,” and they always respond, “Oh really, what’s your name?” And usually I say, “You have never heard of me.”  See, as a feature you do all the travelling of a headliner at a fraction of the pay and much more pride swallowing.  By the end of a typical day on the road it becomes a battle of how many people will I have to tell I am a non-famous comedian that does not play pro sports while enduring looks of disappointment in people’s faces like I threw the 1918 World Series versus how much to I still want to live.

So working out in Syracuse I realized that the same way small town girls seem to have taken to tattoos and oral sex as their singular identity in a post-industrial America (I am guilty of looking at well-inked women the way many white women look at black dudes – Sure I find you attractive and want to have sex with you, but I will probably never introduce you to my parents), men seemed to have embraced the MMA model for life.  Everyone in the gym looked like they were working out to be extras in a sequel to Warrior.  It would be nice if America could start employing people and creating things so that our only inspirations are not from reality television  America is quickly becoming a land where men and women either look like they belong on Jersey Shore or The Biggest Loser.

Anyway, like I said only four of the six shows at Wise Guys went as well as I wanted (which based on Twitter account reading will now be known to all comedians performing in Syracuse as “pulling a Jason Good”).  The early show Friday and
the late show Saturday had all the fun of a Tea Party rally watching Obama fu*k their white daughters.  But the other shows were great, especially Sunday’s crowd, which provided me the rare opportunity to leave a city on a high note.  Normally I leave gigs the way Shooter McGavin was forced to run at the end of Happy Gilmore.

Not only that, but I sold five CDs Sunday night, which brought my total for the weekend up to five.  Thank you to three people that bought those five CDs (two went for one copy of each of my CDs) – your money has already gone to purchase breakfast for a starving comedian.

As far as non-comedy entertainment I saw Puss In Boots and In Time, which were both great ideas for movies towatch on TBS on a rainy Sunday afternoon on the day a year where the only sports on television are cheerleading competitions.  And also a note to Regal Cinemas of Syracuse: You are a town with a Mall. How dare you charge $10 per ticket or $8 for a matinee.  You are a $6 movie ticket town!  At least Indianapolis had the decency to know that their matinees should only cost $5.

I also had a lot of fun hanging out with headliner Jaime Lissow, whose name I had heard many times, but never actually met.  We even managed to kill at Denny’s late Friday night.   We went in after a late night of shows and drinking.  I was immediately drawn to a stuffed toy plane in the claw machine (the impossible ones that take people’s money without mercy) because I am immature and Jaime said “I am going to get that plane for you,” which is slightly more impressive than calling a home run if you can pull it off.  I turned my back and walked toward the table and following behind me, to the awe of two customers up front, was Jaime with a the toy, which looked sort of like what an airplane would look like in a Pixar film.  So, to the delight of a few waitresses and patrons I re-enacted 9/11 as a Pixar movie using the stuffed toy as one of the hijacked planes.  Might not have been my finest moment from a decency standpoint, but was one of my best improvised
moments of comedy for sure.

Then there was the Henry Winkler sighting, which was probably the most surreal experience I have had in a while.  If you don’t know who Henry Winkler is you are stupid, but I will let you know anyway – he played the Fonze on Happy Days and most notably to me, played the Bluth Family attorney on Arrested Development.  I was at the Syracuse Amtrak station on Saturday waiting for my girlfriend to arrive.  Once she did we got on line to exchange our Monday return tickets for an earlier train.  And then running through the door of the empty train station is Henry Winkler.  I just stared at him and elbowed my girlfriend to look.  It was not that I was star struck as much as it was, “What the fu*k is Henry Winkler doing in Syracuse looking frantic at the train station.  He seemed to be in a hurry to get on the train that was about to leave.  He was with who I believe was his assistant or a colleague, but he was incredibly polite.  He was not technically cutting us, but he seemed concerned that we not think he was a dick so he apologized and then thanked me and my girlfriend, giving her a gentle tap on the shoulder, which I was OK with (I believe that is the first in a long line of steps that ends with asking a large black man to fu*k your wife while you watch during a mid-life crisis) as he ran off to the train.  And then the station was empty and quiet again.  The only person more in awe than us was the train clerk, who looked sort of like the nerdy guy from Party Down.  He had to be a big fan of Arrested Development (and probably comic books and Dungeons and Dragons also) and it was nice to have shared the moment with a mutual fan.

 

I am sure Henry Winkler was on the train going, “That was crazy!  We just cut The Rock and he was so nice about it!”  Thanks to the Wise Guys staff, the staff of the Maplewood Inn and the 5-15 fans I made this weekend.  Now off to San Antonio.

Margin Call is a star-studded film, most likely shot in the span of a week, that focuses on the destruction from within of a major New York Investment Bank (I believe Lehman Brothers was the inspiration).  The movie feels like it could have been based on a play, simply because there are about 9 characters and 90% of the action takes place in one office building.  The movie is very solid, moves quickly and is well acted.  But I feel like no movie on the financial crisis will ever satisfy me like Inside Job (that sentence sounds disturbingly erotic).

 

It features a wide range of investment bank archetypes.  You have Jeremy Irons and Simon Baker (“The Mentalist” or in this movie “The Douchiest”) as slick titans of banking; Stanley Tucci, Kevin Spacey and Zachary Quinto (“Gay Spock”) are sort of the intellectual bankers who don’t appear to be in the business just for the lifestyle and who see wrong in the way their employer is handling the impending economic doom; and Paul Bettany (if you do not know  Paul Bettany he is the British actor who is the intersection of the Venn Diagram of Sting and Joel McHale) represents the mix of the two – he sees the problems with the system and likes to point out that it is “normal people”‘s greed that fuels their work so fu*k them if things turn south.  Basically he would be a scumbag in any other circle beyond investment banking, but within banking he is a pragmatist.  Demi Moore is also in the movie.  I just wrote that so no one accuses me of being misogynist because I left out the one woman in the movie.  I want to be considered misogynist for the right reasons.

The movie does not enrage or educate like Inside Job.  So, the movie is sort of operating at a real niche audience – movie lovers with a working understanding of the financial crisis.  At least with Inside Job it gave you a really clear understanding of the situation.  And I do not think the movie explains even as well as Too Big To Fail, the HBO film based on Andrew Ross Sorkin’s book.   But I guess the movie is not intended as a teaching tool, but just as a snapshot of the eve of a huge financial crisis.  And I suppose it is effective in doing that, mainly because the cast is so strong.  But I actually felt more gloom and doom from watching the two aforementioned films.  As I wrote, this felt more like a good play.  So I guess if you are looking to supplement your Occupy Wall Street fervor with a piece of good drama then get to a theater (or buy it on Pay-Per-View for $6.99) and see it.

Final Grade – B+

This past weekend was one of those weekends that can give a comedian enough energy to pursue a failing dream for another year.  After a weekend of opening for the great Dave Attell in Indianapolis I coincidentally had the opportunity to open for him for six more shows at the DC Improv.  The DC Improv is consistently one of the best clubs in the country, if not the very best, in terms of audience and the weekend did not disappoint.  However, the audience that saw me as Superman on stage did not realize that I was living a very Clark Kent-lifestyle during the daytime.

When in DC I stay with my older brother and his family.  How convenient, right?  Absolutely, except for the fact that I have to room with my four year old nephew.  He would be roommates with his six year old brother, leaving the attic to me, but his older brother has sleeping issues, so the four year old has been relegated to the attic.  I give the kid credit.  He is four years old and sleeps in an attic by himself and does not seem to be afraid of it.  Of course, when I saw Paranormal Activity 3 last Friday, which focused on a child who sees a demon spirit, I could not say the same for me.

My nephew was apparently not that thrilled that I would be interfering with his four year old autonomy.  He asked my brother if I could sleep on an aerobed in the basement (second scariest place in a house after the attic).  But I don’t know why he was upset.  I managed each night to enter the room practically silent and never waking him.  However, every morning at exactly 615 am, my nephew would announce that he was ready to go downstairs and then engage me in 10-40 minutes of conversation.  This may explain why I appeared semi-comatose by the Sunday night show at the Improv.

Saturday was sports day.  With my brother in NYC on Friday and Saturday it was up to me to take the four year old to his morning soccer practice and his noon basketball practice.  My brother was responsible for bringing snacks to the soccer practice so he had purchased some Kashi brand granola bars.  I realized at that moment that I am only in favor of Michelle Obama’s healthy eating for kids initiative in theory only.  And to add pretension to injury, when the coach was asking the majority caucasion kids their favorite ice cream one kid said “Mango Sorbet.”  I then encouraged my four year old nephew to bully that kid, both in person and via cyber tactics, whatever would let that kid know that he is not OK.   And on a particularly disturbing note – I discovered my fly was open for the first thirty minutes of the soccer practice.  Not one emasculated, granola snack serving dad said anything!  So I am running around a bunch of four year olds with a gaping hole in my crotch at four year old face level and no one said anything.  Throw in the fact that I am an uncle and I am lucky to have not been shanked in jail later that night for being an accidental pervert.

After soccer practice it was time for basketball practice, which my nephew said he did not want to go to.  Having been an accomplished college benchwarmer in basketball, I was a little taken aback by my nephews comment.  But then I realized why.  The coach of the basketball program was pretty intense.  For a high school coach.  But he was coaching and running through drills a group of kids between 4 and 8 years old.  All the kids were black, so naturally the snacks were Dunkin’ Donuts.  You can take the sugar out of the white soccer practice, but you can’t take the diabetes out of the black basketball practice.  My nephew wasn’t terrible, so he seems sure to continue the Cauvin tradition of mediocre hoops accomplishments (but since he is relatively diminutive the expectations of his career will be much smaller than his gigantic uncle).  And for any hoops scouts there was a seven year old at the practice with defined muscles in his calves and a consistent 8 foot jumpshot.

The shows, however, were nothing less than awesome.  I had a great time.  I even decided to join a couple of fans at a nearby bar after Friday’s late show.  I basically did it just to prove to them that I would (they seemed sure that I was lying).  They told me to meet them at “Public.”  So I went a block away to Public to discover it was a four story bar/lounge/date rape emporium.  I did not find the people (sort of like meeting someone in NYC and saying, “Yeah just meet me in Macy’s”), but the owner of the bar found me and he had been at the show and he bought me two drinks.  Thanks, and just kidding about the date rape comment.  It seems like a place where I would have thrived as a law student (for the record “G-town law student” much higher value in the bars than “unknown comedian killing it”).

I handed out more cards over the six shows than I have at any other gig since I have had the cards.  And I never force them on people.  I only give them to people who ask, or people who are so effusive in their praise that it seems reasonable to hand them one.  And my trash ratio was great.  For about 150-200 handed out I only found one on the street outside the Improv between the six shows.  So for all that glad handing, performing and card dispensing I have added four Twitter followers, three facebook friends and two blog fans. So unlike my usual bitching I will just say thanks to that small, but incredibly lucky group of people in the DC area.  The only problem is that a week of featuring at the DC Improv was the highlight of my comedic year.  If DC is my peak fan base then I fully expect to see my body burned in effigy, composed of my cards, sometime this week in Syracuse.  See you there!

This week I had the choice of Paranormal Activity 3 and The Three Musketeers.  I have a strict policy on Three Musketeer movies: if the theme song is not performed by Sting, Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart then I am not seeing it.  So it was off to Paranormal Activity 3 (I am intrigued by the movie Margin Call, but because I had a free ticket to a Regal Theater I was going to see whatever I could at that theater).

Paranormal Activity has been a breath of fresh air to the horror genre.  Unlike recent horror franchises (Saw and Paranormal Activity, which exhausted their concept after one film, and then for 4-5 more films each offered audiences violence of a profoundly absurd level with no actual fear or creativity in the process).  Paranormal Activity used its low budget to its creative advantage relying on noises, suggestive movements, etc. to create a 90 minute feeling of non-stop dread.  Paranormal Activity 2 was also quite strong in my opinion.  Paranormal 3 is very tense and uses some new, but simple tricks to ramp up the tension even more.  However, the ending of the film was the first disappointing feeling I have had in the three films.  I think this signals that the franchise should end here.  Of course, that probably means we are in store for at least 3 more films.  So Paranormal Activity will inevitably become the Robert DeNiro of horror franchises, where by 2014 we will all be going, “Was that ever any good?”

 

The first sign of trouble for the film was actually the actress who played the lead in the first two films.  She has clearly embraced Hollywood and shed about 20 pounds since Paranormal 2, which sadly meant a diminished breast size, breasts that were featured very prominently in the first two films (even though clothed, they were dead center for much of the IMAX experience I had last year in Indianapolis while watching 2).  The plot of the film concerns the two sisters of 1 and 2 as little girls, when the demon that haunts them first entered their lives.  There are hints in the beginning of the film that it may be the girls’ birth father haunting them.  This seemed plausible since the man appeared Latino from the photos.  Those dudes don’t like it when you look at their chicks when they’re alive so can you imagine if their lady was shacking up with some new guy and they had the ability to come back and haunt him?  However, I started to doubt it when he never slapped around his old lady.

The film adds some subtle camera changes, like a camera mounted on a fan so that it can rotate and capture the entire room.  This is an incredibly simple, but thoughtful way of ramping up the tension without any special effects.  The film is literally 80 minutes of tension and in that respect it maintains what has made the franchise so good.  But the ending of the film, if thought of in context of the previous two, sort of makes only half sense.  It also felt like a bit of a cop-out.  But for 80 minutes you will definitely get your money’s worth.

Sadly the scariest part of the movie may be that when it ends you can anticipate the horror that the studio will perpetrate when they inevitably run the franchise into the ground.

Final Grade – B+

I have been very happy to see the Occupy Wall Street movement gaining momentum.  I have posted some prescient, but possibly unduly pessimistic, blogs about some of the issues that are being brought up with the OWS movement (From Feb 2011 – https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2178), but I have yet to join the actual protest.  I have been travelling and dealing with some health issues with my Dad, but I plan on joining at some point.  But before I can, I guess I will make some points on why I think this movement is important and vital right now.

People Saying That This Is Just Anger At People With Money

This is the narrative that is being pushed by Republican and corporate masters and their less intelligent minions in the general public.  Like many things with Republicans it is a concise, easily understood and completely misguided description of what the issues are.  People do not resent the money.  It is the fact that the political system is now a full-fledged partner in the massive consolidation of wealth in a very small percentage of Americans.

First off let us not pretend that the bankers and investment houses are Apple (who for all the good it produced, American jobs was not high on the list) or General Motors in that they produce products people can use and employ lots of people to do so.   They are gamblers in a casino.  They are playing three card monty.  The problem is that not only are they counting cards that represent working families’ money, the Casino (the government aided by lobbyists) are helping them!  The Casino wins, the Wall Street gamblers win, and then the American people lose.  This is not anger about the money they earn; it is anger at how the system has been gamed and rigged to give them an unfair advantage in the form of government access.  And not only is it rigged – it is so rigged that it will only get exponentially worse.  They have more money, which allows them to buy our government, which will enact further advantages in tax breaks and loopholes (or de-regulate protections) which will reap more money that they can then use to… buy more protections from government and so on.  And this leads to my next point:

 

Lobbying Is A Bigger Enemy

To a certain extent the Wall Street culture and those who embrace it are the obvious villains in the current narrative.  But to be fair they are playing a game that our country has allowed to go on.  For anyone who has not read it, I strongly recommend “Winner Take All Politics.”  It is a book, that in more scientific terms, defends the premise of comedian George Carlin that elections are illusions of personal political power.  We are always obsessed with fund raising during big elections and voting for major candidates, but in between elections it is the lobbyist for the wealthy (yes to detractors on the right, unions have lobbyists too, but the influence of the Union has dwindled just like its membership and the status of the working man) and corporations that determine what actually happens.  Lobbying money is bigger than campaign money, it is more secret than campaign money and it has more effect than campaign money.  And after a while, the Senators and Representatives who work for us realize that their job is to be re-elected and that their best friends are their lobbyist and contributor buddies.  And there is only one way to break those shackles.

Congress Needs Term Limits

I still do not understand why the President has term limits, but Representatives and Senators can serve until they die.  These are the people that need term limits more than anyone!  The President’s office is much harder to operate in secret, whereas there are 535 members of Congress who are continually being offered things from their corporate suitors and unless you are like my Uncle and watch tons of CSPAN you are probably in the dark about Congress in general.  If they all had term limits (and this is PARTY NEUTRAL) then they could actually listen to the voice of Americans and not the voice of lobbyists.  And I actually do not resent the far right direction of the House.  The Framers intended the House to be the chamber that catered to the fickle will of the people.  And “right or wrong” the People wanted something different in 2010 and the House operated as it was intended to to a certain extent (if we ignore massive anonymous corporate campaign contributions).  The real prostitutes are the Senate.  The intent of the Senate was that it be a branch of government above the indignity of elections every two years, which would allow its members to make decisions based on long term needs.  But Senators of both parties have turned out to be the worst.  That is why even Democratic Senators like Mary Landrieu (La.) and Jay Rockefeller (W. Va) can support oil subsidies and coal mining because they enjoy their seats of power and therefore, will cater to to provincial corporate interests rather than the better long term environmental health of the United States.  Hate or love the tea party, but they were on politicians like hit squads that did not do what they wanted.  Perhaps it is time for Democrats to do some house (and Senate) cleaning as well.  But the Tea Party did not act alone.  It was aided by the judicial branch.

Citizens United

When the Supreme Court decided that restrictions on corporate donations violated the First Amendment it gave Tea Party backers (who either believed in their cause or simply could use them to enact an extremely business friendly political climate) the ability to become national political hitmen.  That is why from small local elections to disastrous Republican Senate nominations like Christine O’Donnell there was a dramatic shift right for the Republicans.  They could not actually flood every single primary with money, but they now had a weapon to make Republicans afraid that they COULD BE targeted.  But beyond all of these things, there is a fundamental problem in America and nothing short of a revolutionary movement will probably correct it.

Our Culture Has Become One of Greed and Ignorance

The most popular reality television shows (besides Jersey Shore) are the lot that feature “real, working Americans.”  From Coal, to Gold Diggers, to Deadliest Catch, the shows are in the dozens.  And it makes sense that they are on television because they represent an American fantasy.  See there is a market for all of these shows because we like to romanticize the working man.  These shows should be on Disney because they are bordering on fiction.  America is like the girl that dates the garage worker because it pisses off her father and she wants to “feel real,” but eventually she settles down with a lawyer or an investment banker.  She has experienced authenticity at a safe distance.  That is what we do.  People love watching these shows because they represent what America used to be, but when it comes to providing jobs and industry to people like the ones on television, well that is a little “too real.”

Or maybe you are one of the many Americans who enjoy watching pastors on television, like Joel Osteen, that have developed this prosperity gospel, where God wants and loves those who make lots of money (I believe it was Jesus Christ who said, “Easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man enter the Kingdom of Heaven”).  So now television is telling you that the rich are blessed by God and that the working men are fine and kicking ass on reality television, so who are these socialist scumbags trying to overturn a country that is supposed to be about making tons of money?

Many of them are people who cannot get jobs. Does that mean they are lazy?  Perhaps. Or is it also because we are an economy and a corporate structure that has one goal – pleasing shareholders and boards of directors?  We value stock price as not just the most important factor in corporate success, but the only one!  Need to raise your share price?  You could invent something, or layoff 1000 workers, either way you will be viewed as more attractive, more efficient and your shareholders will be happy.  Mission Accomplished.

Now I understand we are not and probably never again will be an industrial economy, but are there major initiatives to make our country better at math and science to create or build the next industry?  Of course not, because that might require tax money or deeper sacrifices from the wealthy or a belief in science from half of the country. We should be leading in green technologies.  Even if you are a climate change skeptic (i.e. moron) there is a huge market for energy efficient and carbon neutral products.  From a business perspective isn’t that enough of a reason to lead in that area?  Of course not, because too many industries have their hands deep into the souls of our lawmakers.  So they attack the science (which is settled) and never even address the fact that if done right we could become a power economically by leading this industry.

Or why not a high speed rail system?  There are laborers looking for work and our train system is ancient compared to Europe and Asia (Shock of shocks – America not #1 or #2 in this area!!!).  But there are industries that cannot possibly want this (oil and aviation to name two).

Of course money sometimes has a “good” effect, but I believe its influence, regardless of the cause, must be removed.  The power must be the people’s again.  When gay marriage passed in NY State it was a big moment and seemed like a triumph of good, but I saw it as a triumph of money.  Only the threat of campaign contributions from some wealthy businessmen who had changes of heart on gay marriage swung the necessary votes.  As AC/DC said, “Listen to the money talk.” I would have preferred marriage equality to come the way it should have because it is the right thing.  I am sure I do not speak for gay people who were thrilled to have the rights by any means necessary, but do not ignore the fact that that was money and not justice at work for those critical swing votes.

Who Is To Blame?

I have a friend named Martha who is always asking me why I do not blame Obama (or at least give him a “fair share,” to borrow his tax mantra) for the country’s economic problems.  One issue she had was with the original bailouts.  I am no economist, but I know Paul Krugman is a Nobel-Prize winning one and he wrote that without those original bailouts the country would have fallen off a cliff into a great depression.  Obama cannot change the entire system (hell he tried to give more people health care and was henceforth known as Hitler) and yet that is what I believe is necessary.  Obama has tried to be a great compromiser, but instead he has been portrayed as a Muslim, American hating socialist by the right and a gutless coward by the left.  The Republicans have had an obstructionist agenda from the beginning (a well calculated risk that would not have had as much traction with a caucasian president, because the most ignorant and radical elements of the tea party and Republican party are also the ones most likely to have antebellum notions of Negros).  If you doubt that then why did Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell say that “Republicans’ top priority is to make President Obama a one-term president?”  So  given this incredibly hostile political climate I cannot blame Obama for not being or acting like a super hero.

Now some people will say “The climate in Washington is even worse, not better since Obama took office.  he promised better and it is worse.  he ruined it.”  Now that is correlation without causation.  Similarly to how banks started passing more fees after Dodd-Frank was passed.  Or how health insurance premiums started rising more after “Obamacare” passed.  These actions are no different than mob bosses who demand “protection money.”  Obama came with good intentions and perhaps too much naivete about Washington (the biggest reason Hilary Clinton may have been a more effective president), but the response to him and his initiatives are nothing less than a shakedown to convince dumb Americans that the correlation of their responses to Obama’s actions are in fact CAUSED by Obama, which they are not.

So who is to blame – well I think Wall Street, the lobbyists, the unyielding Republicans, the Democrats to a lesser extent all have a part to play, but (and Republicans should like this) I think we need to take individual and collective responsibility as American citizens.  The American Dream is a fantasy.  Take Steve Jobs as an American Rorschach Test.  For many Americans they saw it as the American Dream – any American, even one living in his parents’ garage, can rise to become a brilliant inventor and change the culture!  But that is looking at it through the eyes of an American Dream that does not exist.  He is the American Exception.  He was so brilliant and inspired that he would thrive and create anywhere.  He succeeded through his own exceptionalism.  Do not let Steve Jobs become a Pat Tillman for the business sector of America.  Are we saying that to make a decent way in America you now must be exceptional? Possibly because to millions of Americans, work ethic and responsibility are not enough any more.

Here is a hypothetical (at least to me – it may be very real to others) that I think sums up why I believe in the #OccupyWallStreet movement.

During one of the Republican debates, Ron Paul was asked about a healthy 30 year old man who chose not to get health insurance and subsequently got very sick.  This was the “let him die” moment during the debate, when a few crowd members shouted that.  The question I would have wanted to hear asked is, “What if a 45 year old father of two, who has worked for the same business for fifteen years, gets laid off.  He has COBRA benefits, but they run out before he can get a job again because of a tough job climate.  Then during a routine physical that he is paying for out of pocket it is determined that he, after some more tests, has a treatable, but eventually fatal, disease.  What should we do with THAT man?”  That is the question Americans should be asking.  What do we do when a man who believes in the system and plays by the rules, but falls on hard times.  What happens when THAT man is failed by our system?  What do we do then?  For me, all of these things, the imbalance of political power by gross inequality of wealth, the political bickering, the deceit, the game playing, the shameful politics and the ignorance in this  country all come down to the fate of that man.  The way the country is right now is a country where that man dies or if he doesn’t his family that he fought and worked for is homeless because of his crippling bills.  The country I want America to be and the country that I think Obama wants and that I believe the #OccupyWallStreet movement wants, is the one where the climate, the culture and the system in place create a country where he lives and lives the life he has worked for.  But to do that I think a lot will have to change first.

 

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