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Allthough now that John Kerry has endorsed him I may have to vote for Hillary.

Not since the Civil War has a decision divided a house like my endorsement of Barack Obama versus my Mom’s support of Hillary (if there was an Opus Dei of Hillary 2008 – my Mom would be in the leadership). I am going to vote for Obama for several reasons:

1) A woman will never be president.

2) I have a real chance to become a celebrity impersonator if Obama is elected. Tonight Show here I come.

3) Al Gore is not Running. Although I tend to be an issues voter and if Al Gore would run I would vote for him, I think we are at a time in this country where a person of a new background able to infuse people with positivity and give the United States a drastic new face to the world is needed desparately. If George W. Bush had not made a disaster of the US and the world the way he has I don’t think it would be necessary. But he has, so Obama’s background and life are a compelling part of what makes him the right candidate now. And he smokes cigarettes and everyone knows that all the cool kids smoke.

Now, Hillary has made a great point; the last time America voted for the “guy they’d like to have a beer with” we ended up with George W. Bush. But that was a trick question and America should not have fallen for it: George Bush is an evangelical and ex-alcoholic so he would not drink beer, only the blood of Christ or Iraqi children, depending on whether he was having steak or fish.

4) Seriously, what would be a better box office sell: J-L Cauvin as Barack Obama or Rebecca DeMornay as Hillary Clinton? It’s a no-brainer. Obama 2008

 

From Jack McCoy to Michael Clayton.

Right now I am learning some things about being a private attorney in Manhattan that are different than being a lawyer for the government in the Bronx.

One is that the reverse commute is the way to live if you have to commute. Empty trains and space to read beat the unwanted clothed sodomy of the 2 train in rush hour every day of the week. Perhaps that is why after only two days I have come down with a cold. But I think my new employers would find a full body application of Purell an odd way for me to start each day. I also find the subway performing talent is often best on evening downtown bound trains (the reverse commute in evenings) perhaps because there is enough room for doo wop groups and break dancing on emptier trains.

Two, I have received an emergency pack from my new employer. This was just a harsh reality of post 9/11 (this portion of my blog was sponsored by Rudy2008). However, the most disturbing thing was that it was given to me in a fanny pack. But I have dutifully worn it around the office with my suit the first two days because if I don’t wear my emergency fanny pack the terrorists win.

Three, elevators work a little better downtown.

Four, I am still the tallest person at my job. I have already startled three people when getting up from my chair.

The 10 Things I want to see in 2008

I do not make resolutions because I think they are useless. But here’s my wish list for 2008.

– Utah Jazz to win the NBA Title. This is the 20th Anniversary of my life as a Jazz fan. If the playoffs were to start today they would not even be in. Very unlikely.

– A Democrat is elected to the White House. Preferably the son of a mill worker, a half-black man or a Jewish mayor posing as a Republican would be nice.

– The Wire wins best drama at the Emmys. The final season of the greatest show ever made needs it due.

– Myself on television at least two more times, not counting Cops, 48 Hours or Dateline To Catch A Predator.

– Chris Rock in concert

– Jaime Lynn Spears has triplets

– A positive savings balance

– More Dane Cook movies

– Something that pays well and feels good.

– More people to ask me how tall I am.

Have a Happy New Year.

Is 65 movies too many to see in one year?

In the year 2007 I saw approximately 65 films (released in 2007), mostly in the theaters. Some people have said that I am “psycho” or a “loser” or “obsessed” for seeing so many films. They may be right. But without that love and dedication to movies (where concession workers at more than one theater this fall actually recognized me because of frequency of visits and my height) the loyal readers of this blog would be denied my best of 2007 in movies (2nd annual).

Before the best of and worst of I would like to give some special awards.

MOST OVERRATED FILM THAT WAS DECENT

Michael Clayton. Hollywood is on its knees for George Clooney like a woman between the ages of 24 and 45, but that does not mean that he should become an Oscar darling. For the third straight year he has released an Oscar type movie that was somewhat boring and overrated (Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck and Clayton). But if these films can possibly stop him from making Ocean’s 14 then I am for it. (Runner Up – Rescue Dawn)

MOST OVERRATED FILM THAT SUCKED

I’m Not There. This bizarre and annoying Bob Dylan is getting rave reviews from many critics. I think sometimes, just like the hip upper west side audiences that flood the Lincoln Center AMC, film critics say they like something when they don’t get it so they don’t feel stupid.

MOST UNDERRATED FILM

Music and Lyrics. I almost always hate High Grant and Drew Barrymore. Besides Matthew McConaughey, they are most responsible for the demise of the romantic comedy. For some reason I like them both in this movie. Perhaps it was because my expectations were rock bottom, but I enjoyed this film.

MOVIE THAT JAIME LYNN SPEARS SHOULD NOT HAVE SEEN

Juno. This film is about the quirky way that teenage pregnancy can just work itself out in a fun little suburb. How cute to see the 16 year old with a big belly who is so knowledgeable on 70s music and incredibly quick with jokes and not a hint of hormonal troubles. People want this to be this year’s Little Miss Sunshine, but it’s not even close. Javier Bardem’s assassin from No Country For Old Men should have had Juno on his hit list.

MOVIE WITH THE ENDING THAT WOULD MAKE CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS HAPPY

There Will Be Blood. A very good film with a disturbing performance by Daniel Day-Lewis (a little toned down from Gangs of New York). The ending is bloody, disturbing and odd.

BEST MOVIE I SAW ON LUNCH BREAK (Tie)

The Brave One and We Own The Night. No real explanations needed.

RANKING ANTI-WAR (On Terror) MOVIES 1)Rendition 2) In The Valley of Elah 3) Lions for Lambs

Despite what critics said – they were all good.

OK – so here are the worst of 2007 that I saw (I abstained from all Dane Cook films).

1)Beowulf – what a huge bag of crap.

2)Alpha Dog – woof

3)The Comebacks – a sports spoof starring Champ Kind from Anchorman was not enough even when I was bored with nothing to do.

4)I’m Not There – Bob Dylan should be mumbling in disgust.

5)Norbit – Road gig in Ohio – needed to kill some time. Felt like killing myself. Eddie – this is why you did not win an Oscar for Dream girls

6)I Think I Love My Wife – Chris Rock is the greatest comedian and makes some of the worst movies. This was no exception

7)Fantastic Four 2. Not fantastic

8)Shrek 3. Hey Mike Myers – do that funny Scottish accent again!

9)Pirates 3. Better than Pirates 2. So what.

10) Ocean’s 13. Please no 14.

And now (in stress and excitement inducing reverse order – my Top 10):

10.The Diving Bell and Butterfly –

a very good film about the former Editor of Elle Magazine who has a stroke that leaves him paralyzed except for one eye. Pretty intense film with some humor. I would not have been as sad if it had been the Editor of US Weekly.

9.Before the Devil Knows Your Dead –

It can never hurt the quality of your film to have a crime caper that starts with Phillip SeeMore Hoffman banging Marisa Tomei from behind.

8.Gone Baby Gone –

Casey Affleck is getting more publicity for the excruciatingly dull Jesse James movie, but he is excellent in this film directed by Pearl Harbor star Ben Affleck.

7. Zodiac –

A little bit long, but other than that a very strong film about a killer who gets away. Not about OJ.

6.American Gangster –

Malcolm X and Maximus together equals damn good.

5.No Country For Old Men –

Everyone’s favorite to win best picture (unless you like Atonement). Excellent movie and the best villain in a movie since George W. Bush in Fahrenheit 9/11. Josh Brolin is awesome too.

4. Charlie Wilson’s War.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman is hilarious (his best performance in his 3 films this year). Tom Hanks excellent.

3)Ratatouille.

Another year another awesome Pixar movie.

2.Bourne Ultimatum.

Will never get nominated for Best Picture, but is one of the greatest action films ever made. Made me a Matt Damon fan in spite of his annoying insistence on doing a film every 9 years where he gets to be a Masshole.

And the best film of the year (not Atonement – that movie should win best score and nothing else).

1.Eastern Promises.

The best movie of the year. Russian Mob, European whores, and King of Middle Earth. It should also mark the third year in a row that the Oscars disagree with me. (Munich, United 93, EP).

Wire Marathon and a new bed.

As the readers of this blog (10 this year, up from 6 last year) probably know I love The Wire. So I made it a priority this vacation, along with studying the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure, to attempt to watch all 4 seasons of The Wire before the premiere of Season 5 on January 6th. Finished Season 1 at 730 a.m. today. Even more solidified in my mind as the greatest show ever made.

And yesterday my fiancée and I had our new bed delivered. It is a king, which is a step up from the full that we were sleeping on (which believe it or not was a step down in total room available to me than the twin extra long I was sleeping on in my parents’ place. Now I feel like a kid in a candy store – I can feel bed on my shins and feet, rather than air. And because it is so big and my fiancée is so small, when she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed it will take her a few minutes to journey off of it, allowing her to cheer up. Win Win.

But some disturbing things have happened as well on my vacation (besides me living without health care temporarily – I feel like a real comic!). All of my sports teams, the Utah Jazz, the Yankees and the Steelers are reeling. Steroids, lack of defense and Troy Palomolu’s hair have been ruing what should have been a great time to be J-L the sports fan. But when in doubt – movies usually come through for me. This week has been no different.

The best news I have heard this weekend, other than the fact that Britney’s 16 year old sister is pregnant (when you let a 16 year old have a live in boyfriend I guess it is pretty much anything goes), is that Peter Jackson is on to direct The Hobbit, the prequel to Lord of the Rings, for Winter 2009. And on that note – my worst movies and best movies of 2007 will be written up next week. Usually the only reaction I get to those lists is “Sh-t, you see a lot of movies.” This year will probably be no different.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone. All 10 of you.

B. September 7, 2004 D. December 14, 2007

Today marks the end of my career as a prosecutor in Bronx County. This means that as of 5 pm today 15-20 minutes of material will have a government censor removed.

When I told current co-workers that I was leaving the question from about 50% was, “To do comedy?” Very close, if you consider billable hours and corporate clients hilarious. That’s right; I am going into private practice for a big law firm.

Some people have feared that this may adversely affect my burgeoning comedy career, but hopefully the writers’ strike will last 10-15 years and then I can laugh at all those entertainers and say, “Don’t you wish you had done something a little more conventional and responsible back in ‘07.”

But this has also caused me to reflect on my career as a prosecutor. I think when I came into the DA’s office they thought based on my size and pedigree that I would be a Dwight Howard – unstoppable in court and unstoppable in DA basketball games. Instead for the first part of my tenure I proved to be more Kwame Brown-ish. Eventually I think I will settle on a Marcus Camby-like career – started slow and then sold out for big money and proved worth it.

And other things you may have wondered:

I was .500 as a prosecutor. I think that puts me in the playoffs, but as a low seed.

I appear to be the tallest person at my new firm. I am already dusting off the following phrase: “Yes, I am very tall, 6’7”. Yeah, really tall – yes I played in college.”

Thanks Bronx DA’s Office.

Pearl Harbor Day – and my brother and nephew’s birthday

If you read the subtitle I assure you that I am not from the deep rural south and that my brother and nephew are two separate people. Happy Birthday Henri (35) and Gabriel (3). Awwwwww.

Before 9/11, September the 11th and Rudy Giuliani Day there was December 7th. As most History scholars know, December 7, 1941 was the day that Iran attacked our freedoms because that liberal pussy FDR was afraid to do anything.

But our country was able to move past the tragedy of Pearl Harbor and we grew strong and prosperous as a nation. And I think the final sign that we had overcome our national grief was when Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Jerry Bruckheimer made one of the worst films of all time. By honoring tragedy with a terrible movie we showed that we were ready to be happy again. December 7, 1941 was called “a date that will live on in infamy.” I submit that May 25, 2001, the day Pearl Harbor opened, helped bring that infamy to a close. And Hollywood, before the ’08 elections I think it is time to work your healing powers once again.

Now Rudy Giuliani does not want a bad movie to be made about 9/11, and not just for cinematic reasons. His whole candidacy is predicated on the fact that he wore a mask and walked around midtown on 9/11. By the reaction he gets with regard to 9/11 leadership I’d swear he stopped the planes mid-flight a la Superman Returns. Now he got a scare when Oliver Stone directed the sneering Nicholas Cage (with a mustache) in World Trade Center, but it was generally an ok film. That is why Hollywood (Evangelical Baldwin and deranged Ron Silver – father of an elementary school classmate of mine and one of 1500 men to bang Madonna, excused) needs to get Dane Cook, Martin Lawrence and Colin Farrell in “September the 11th.”

With Cook as Bush II (“Mission Accomplished, IN THE FACE!”), Lawrence as Colin Powell (“Gets to steppin’ UN, can’t you see these mobile stations from the satellite photos?), and Collin Farrell (just tell him to act the same as he did in Miami Vice as a character we’ll invent) there is no way Rudy will be able to use this tragedy in a campaign. If that movie were made people would have to start to move past the tragedy and start to look at other issues affecting the US and A, like why people pay money to see these three men in films.

Having conquered comedy I have decided acting is the next frontier.

Last night was the first night of an acting class that I am taking. The logic was simple: I have conquered stand up, now it’s time to take over the television and film media.

Or that I need to expand my versatility to include any possible way of getting entertainment work. If the pay rate of Ferguson was a constant and I had 40 hours of that work a week I would be richer than A-Rod. Instead I make about the same as the allowance A-Rod’s gives his 2 year old daughter.

So I decided to start learning the “craft” of acting. I was not sure what to wear to an acting class so I wore black slacks, a black turtleneck and a smarmy look.

When I got there I realized that I was the only dude there. The rest were females of varying degrees of chipper. I found the instruction very helpful and I think the class is going to help me. With what I am not sure but I think it will be helpful, if only to say that I “studied under” someone, which is important in the acting community.

But there is something about acting that feels, oh how would a 19 year old state school frat boy put this… gay. There is something so awkward and disturbing about the affect you must put on your face and expression that feel so embarrassing and effeminate. Like tap dance, gymnastics, figure skating and Punk from I Love New York 2, it just feels like something unnatural to a straight man, or at least our societal construct of what constitutes a straight man.

People often say that stand up seems scarier than acting. I could not disagree more. In stand up you put yourself out there, but you can be instantly validated by a crowd. Acting seems like it will always be awkward, like having a moment when you are talking to yourself, but then discovering that someone is watching you.

And the sad thing for me at 6’7″, 240 lbs is that I am limited to very few roles to begin with: bouncer, basketball player, or a mystical black man who heals Tom Hanks bladder at a Maine jail.

I am available as a scab writer.

The writers’ strike is finally starting to impact my television world. The Big Bang Theory and South Park are now running on repeats, leaving the nerd portion of my sense of humor unsatisfied. Fortunately Cane and Heroes are still running, but for how long – who knows.

Sidenote – for those of you who watch Heroes – I think Milo Ventimiglia, who plays Peter Petrelli, may be the worst actor in television history. He looks like a mediocre high school actor whose drama teacher told him that he had real talent and all the high school theater parents thought he was really talented, but somewhere freshman year of college realized that he sucked at acting and decided to pursue an accounting degree and lift weights to catch up for lost time acting effeminately. Milo never had that moment (to his credit, neither have the people at NBC).

So all that is left on my TiVo now is The War by Ken Burns and the October 3rd episode of The Late Late Show. Two things highlighting landmarks in American culture.

So with less and less entertaining television I have watched thought provoking television like:

Oprah – “Her favorite things episode” – conclusive proof that a woman cannot be president. It proves that the things women love most are Oprah and stuff. You’d think that the word “exfoliation” meant “we have a cure for cancer.” Obama ’08.

Keeping Up with The Kardashians – This E! Channel show about three whores (two attractive, one ogre-ish and all stupid) who were spawned by an OJ defense attorney and a plastic surgeon’s canvas, who is now married to Bruce Jenner, the former Olympian and current loser. This show tackles important issues like should a mother be happy or sad that her daughter is in a sex tape all over the internet.

The reason I had to watch this light entertainment is because last week I finished Band of Brothers on DVD. It makes one feel inspired and like a loser at the same time. They were the generation that freed Europe, re-started the economy at home and forced Sony to go back to square one. We are the generation that is committed to doing very little and not being bothered while we do it. That is why we need the draft to be reinstated. We could either go and fight and everyone would care (WWII), or we could all protest and everyone would care (Vietnam). Or, to ensure that most people care, we could draft reality television stars and film it.

“Oh my God, Kim Kardashian banged that jihadist, but then they still killed her!”

“Can you believe they put the entire cast of The Hills in one humvee? You’d think someone would have told Blackwater Security that they were Americans. Perhaps the fake baking threw off the guards.”

I have a lot more of these ideas so any TV studio looking for scab writing – call me.

Danish for – “Please don’t let Robert Zemeckis make a film version of me”

I was part of the $28 million that was poured into theaters this weekend to watch Beowulf, the frighteningly bad film from the guy who directed Forrest Gump.

The technology used in this movie to capture human body movements and facial expressions is sort of like nuclear weapons technology: we wished no one had invented it because it can do more damage in the wrong hands than it can do good in the right ones.

The problems with this movie include some of the following:

1) Angelina Jolie plays a beautiful half woman, half lizard creature that wears stilettos. The year is 507 A.D. I know if I believe there could be a half-lizard/half-woman I should not have a problem with her wearing some Manolos, but it just seemed too stupid.

2) The humans look scary. They appear to be zombies – moving and talking, yet lifeless at the same time. I have an idea. Instead of making a $150 million video game, hire the real actors and do special effects and make a real movie for $150 million?

3) The dialogue is awful in parts. If I had to hear them say “I have heard great tales of your lordship’s sweet meat,” one more time I would have asked for a refund because I did not buy a ticket to a gay porno flick.

4) The best part of the film was my friend’s commentary, which I hope will be on the DVD release. The words “stupid” and “slut” have not been yelled by one person at a movie screen since Michael Lohan attended the premier of Herbie Fully Loaded.

Saturday I saw Across the Universe, the homage to the Beatles. It had the benefit of following Beowulf, but his did not qualify as a film either. It was just an inside joke for Beatles fans.

So this week I must see some real movies. Like American Gangster and… Enchanted.