Blog

Maybe NFL should stand for “No Fuc-ing Life.”

Yesterday I went, for what is becoming an annual trip, to Pittsburgh with my brother and uncle for the Steeler game (playing the 49ers, my uncle’s favorite team).

Now I think most people know that San Francisco is famous for being a great city, Joe Montana, Rice a Roni and a large gay community. Apparently the Neanderthals in Pittsburgh just heard about this because every time a 49er fan went by they were branded “fuc-ing fag-ots” by any gathering of three or more Steeler fans. Walking from the parking lot to the stadium felt about three beers short of a hate crime.

How is this possible in 2007? The witty guy sitting in front of me during the game saw a 49er fan walk in wearing some sort of Cat in the Hat looking 49er hat and said “What is that from queer pride week? Heh heh”

The only thing worse than these comments is that they took place as part of a football game. Football has become America’s past time, which makes sense because it is a bunch of fat drunk has-beens or never-weres screaming obscenities at guys who players who are too far to hear. As one fan 150 rows up screamed with veins bulging that one guy “sucked” I could not help but think that that man needs to grow up and/or get a life.

For some reason football seems to bring out the worst in sports fans. I keep expecting to see a player get injured and then have the referee hold his thumb to the side waiting for the crowd to signal whether he lives or dies.

With the exception of one punch on a date in November 2006 (no she is not pressing charges) I do not overreact to sporting events. I saved that for sport video games where I have been known to break a video game or two in the past. But at least I didn’t yell slurs and epithets while doing it. Take it from a guy who lived with folks for 28 years – grow up Pittsburgh.

So what’s the big problem with female circumcision in Egypt?

Genitals are all the rage right now. I am off to see Eastern Promises tonight, the critically acclaimed film staring Naomi Watts and Viggo Mortenson’s johnson (if you have read the reviews – apparently there is an intense fight scene where Aragorn is completely nude and it lasts like 4 minutes). Naturally my girlfriend has begun referring to the movie as the nude movie and now wants to see it.

Then there is the new HBO show, “Tell me You Love Me,” that features hard core sex, but set to more realistic themes than pizza deliveries and plumbing emergencies. I have not seen it yet because of economic sanctions that have precluded HBO from my residence. Understand that by January 4, 2008 (The Wire Season 5 premiere) there will be a revolt if there is no HBO.

And now completing this is the article in today’s New York Times about female circumcision in Egypt. In the process, the clitoris is removed from women, which of course reinforces the idea in the Middle East that female orgasms do not exist. We in the civilized west understand that they exist and happen about once every three months.

Now men have been having circumcisions for centuries. Some religions even make them public and serve food afterward. So it is about time that this practice be extended to women. Uproar occurred from traditionalists in Egypt when the practice was banned by the Have-their-cake-and-eat-it-too feminazis in Egypt when a 13 year old girl died during the process. They have also called it by the alarmist title of “Female Genital Mutilation.” Hey, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Which is why I suggest taking all Egyptian men and circumcising them at 13 years old. Then we will be able to see how much longer this practice continues. And to you Middle East scholars who may have read more than Thomas Friedman, Lawrence Wright and today’s NY Times’ article and wish to inform me that they do that already (which I highly doubt), then I would say no wonder there are so many angry people in that region.

Time to reevaluate friends.

For the last week I have been without a cell phone. My Krazr – named as a hybrid of the words “Krap” and “Razor” broke down. So for the last week I have had to check my voicemails from a land line – namely my work phone (my girlfriend and I are very young and NY and do not have a land line). What I learned is that almost no one calls me. Or at least calls me to leave mesages.

I also learned that Murphy’s Law pertains strongly to cell phones. I met two friends for dinner last night. I was worried about being late so I was there at 8 pm sharp. No one arrived until 8:35 pm. If I had had a cell phone I am sure no one would have been delayed, but of course, because I was meeting people without a phone I looked like a bouncer for the restaurant for 35 minutes.

So my replacement phone is supposed to arrive today or Monday, but all my numbers have been erased which means I know have to re-enter the numbers I know and ask for the numbers I do not have. However, this presents an interesting opportunity to purge people from my techno-world and for others to likewise purge me from theirs. Sort of like breaking up by two people never calling or seeing each other again until both realize, “Hey, I guess we’re not doing this anymore.” However, there is that need to keep some numbers in the phone for the purpose of knowing NOT to pick up the phone. This is the conversation no one wants to have:

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s _____. What’s going on?”

“Fu-k – it’s you.”

So that said if you have given me your number in the past please send it to my e-mail. I’m just not telling which one you are.

And on some other thoughts – I am looking forward to the finale of Last Comic Standing. I was sad to see Amy Schumer go because it is always nice to see friendly people you know doing well on television. However, from the beginning I have believed Jon Reep was the best one. I have not understood the fascination with LaVell Crawford except for three things:

1) People like parades and he looks like a float.

2) He is fat and people enjoy laughing at him.

3) White guilt still persists in 2007, even in comedy.

Beyond that Jon Reep is more polished, easier to understand and has a clearly defined persona that does not revolve around Type II diabetes.

So unlike the real thing, in this Civil War of Comedy I am rooting for the southern white man to defeat the southern black man.

Come to my show Monday night at Gotham. That’s my last thought.

One of the most physically disgusting things I have ever done.

From Friday 9 pm thru Sunday at 11:45 pm I managed to watch the entire first season of the show Heroes. I have managed not to do too many disgusting things in my life, although some might say drinking a glass of milk with pancakes is disgusting, I register pretty normal on the scale of not doing disgusting things. I was not one of those kids that ate his own boogers, although in 5th grade I once did a shot of vinegar which stung pretty badly.

But watching 17 hours of TV in 48 hours is pretty disgusting. I usually watch about 17 hours a month. The fact that the people of America can AVERAGE 4-5 hours a day every day is appalling. I felt dumber, fatter and more apathetic after this marathon than I have ever felt in my life (except for March 2006 when I was literally fatter in lbs. than I ever have been). When I went for a walk as a break Sunday evening I felt like I had been in a cave for weeks. I think that is the main reason that television channels should stop using the phrase “marathon” to describe the least energetic, inspiring and athletic activity that someone can do. It is not a test of endurance or conviction to engage in a television marathon; it is an absence of those qualities. Engaging in a television marathon is a surrender, not an activity.

That said, I make an exception for marathons of The Wire, which is the greatest show in television history. Season 4 comes out on DVD on December 4th. Heroes is a good show, but it is not in the same class as the Wire. The only advantage Heroes has is that it has a Haitian character called, imaginatively “The Haitian.” He is also played by a guy named Jean-Louis. The world is almost ready for me to make my move.

If the shoe fits…

I was checking the Boston Comedy Festival website to read up info on this year’s fest. Among the things I noticed was that I am not the biggest comic on the show. The biggest is some guy named J.J. who is 7′ tall and 410 lbs. He also went to Amherst (Williams’ rival). But let’s be honest: 6’7″ is hilarious; 7 feet tall is overkill.

Then I noticed that I am slated to appear on an “urban comedy night” show. First off there was a scheduling problem because I am slated for my competition slot at a time that overlaps the urban comedy show. And a chance at $10,000 trumps urban comedy.

For those of you that don’t know, “urban” is comedy’s way of saying black people telling jokes. This does not include Latinos because they get their own comedy theme nights at clubs, often starting with the word “Ay!” or ending with “salsa” or “spicy.”

Some people reading this may be saying that although I am at my peak darkness in early fall, passing me off on a show full of black comics will be tough. That is probably true, but in no way my most awkward racial experience. That honor would be competing on the Frederick Douglass national Moot Court team for Georgetown University Law Center (not a school, a center).

Back in 2003 when I advanced a few rounds in the intra-law center moot court competition I was invited to join the Douglass team (DNA tests were conducted to validate my membership and I was forced to grow out my hair). At the competition in Los Angeles I felt like a grain of light brown sugar in a jar full of black pepper. And I was the tallest one there as well, which made the game of “Where’s Haitian-Irish Waldo?” quite easy. But in a few days I was over my insecurities when I realized that no one seemed to care. Perhaps it was because like me, the namesake of the competition, Frederick Douglass, had also been half white, although his conception was probably a little less consensual than mine, although my parents do not get along that well. That may have been it, or it may have been because one law school had fielded Team Eminem, an all white team (there is no discrimination based on race, but it still looked like Whitesnake had crashed a Motown special). End of story – my partner and I won 1st place and I became known in moot court circles as the Great Half White Hope. So I am not sweating the Urban show – I just can’t make it because I need to try and win $10,000.

Laugh Factory and Chevy Chase

So yesterday was another interesting day in California. I met with people at New Wave Entertainment and my girlfriend went shopping all day with her best friend. Interestingly enough if I become a huge success that is exactly how we will each spend our days.

Last night I appeared at the Laugh Factory. My girlfriend got her picture with Chevy Chase (celeb sighting #2), who bears a strong resemblance to her father. The emcee of the show was a comedian named K-Von who has been my MySpace friend for about 6 months and I don’t know why. So it was interesting to finally meet him. I ripped a 17 minute set (thank you for the long set Laugh Factory) and then went out afterwards. But not before the owner of the Laugh Factory almost ran me over with his car. I sort of wish he had hit me because I probably could have survived given his speed and my size. I then could have parlayed the accident into steady work at the Laugh Factory.

Today I spent the day in Malibu on the beach where I saw Scott Caan (celeb sighting #3) surfing and being 5’7″. Tonight I do my final set in California at the Laugh Factory until my next visit, which will probably be in September. Tonight I will also for the first time meet my website designer, someone I have paid a lot of money to over the last year and a half. And he is my #3 MySpace friend.

Mike Tyson and the Fraternity

I have heard many things about the West Coast and so far they have all been true. Here is what I have seen so far.

TRUE THING #1 – San Diego has beautiful weather.

I spent the first 3 days of my California vacation in San Diego and the weather was insanely beautiful. High 70s, sunny, not even a white cloud in the sky. Downside – it was me, my girlfriend and her best friend which meant that the conversation was 90% things a guy would never want to hear (fluids, ex boyfriends, ex boyfriends and their fluids- those sorts of things).

TRUE THING#2 – You will probably see celebrities in LA.

My first celebrity sighting was Mike Tyson, two blocks form my hotel. He was talking to three blonde women. I figured maybe they had not gotten the news so I informed them that he was Mike Tyson. They responeded “we know” so I said, Mike Tyson, the ear-biting rapist and they said, “Oh my God I knew he was famous. I told you!” Then I ran away from Mike Tyson.

TRUE THING #3 – People in LA are very vain.

This is true. The gym was full of preening and posing and strutting. And to preemptively quote Jerry Seinfeld (“not that there’s anything wrong with that!”) the gym was 98% gay men. I wasn’t sure if it was some sort of a theme day or something, but there were about 60 people in the gym. One half Haitian giant (me), 6 women, one other straight dude and 52 gay dudes. It then dawned on me that this must be a terrific city to be a straight dude.

Other things I have done – I performed at the Hollywood Improv where there was a fraternity from USC watching. That was fun, but I don’t think I had enough binge-drinking, sluts and date rape material to keep them happy. Still some of them told me good show.

Then we went out drinking at the clubby/lounge at my hotel (which is so trendy that they have mermaids and mermen sitting in the lobby – last night the mermaid was checking her e-mail in a glass case, presumably a glass case of emotion). While at the lounge my girlfriend decided to get in a verbal argument with a fat pig of a man who claimed to be a big drug dealer. Hopefully he has been shot or eaten himself to death.

Pictures to follow, as are more details of the trip. Laugh Factory tonight and tomorrow night.

Off to California

Tomorrow I depart for San Diego and Los Angeles for 10 days.

Useless tales and photos galore will follow.

At least it’s better than 2006

So the summer movie season started with absolutely awful films – Spider Man 3, Shrek the Third, Pirates of The Caribbean: At World’s End and Ocean’s 13 all sucked to various degrees. But unlike last summer, which only had a top 4 films because the movies sucked so bad, this Summer recovered nicely after May. Here are my Top 10 (let me say, to be fair that I did not see Rush Hour 3 because I figured it would not impact this list and I did not see Hairspray because the sight of John Travolta in fat drag is frightening to me):

1) THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM

The best movie of 2007 so far. One of the three best action films I have ever seen (Die Hard and Face Off being the others – I consider T2 and The Matrix to be Sci-Fi).

2) RATATOUILLE

Pixar. Enough said.

3) SUPERBAD

The biggest surprise for me because I was not overwhelmed by 40 Year Old Virgin or Knocked Up. This one was the best of the three.

4) TRANSFORMERS

The story was not great and the dialogue was crap in parts, but this movie has the best special effects I have ever seen.

5) SICKO

Not nearly as funny as Fahrenheit 9/11, but a well done plea for America’s uninsured.

6) THE SIMPSONS

My favorite line of any film this year. Mr. Burns: “Finally a rich, white man will have the power.”

7) LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

Very good action (although completely absurd) and witty dialogue. It may have been the worst Die Hard, but it was still pretty good.

8) KNOCKED UP

A comedy with some very good dialogue. Too long (just like 40 Year Old Virgin), but a much needed decent film in the beginning of June (after the aforementioned awful films in May).

9) 2 DAYS IN PARIS

I thought from the preview that this film would have been in the Top 3, but it was a little disappointing. That said, the dialogue was quick and funny and the interplay between the two stars was very believable.

10) HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

I saw this on the IMAX which had a fantastic 3D finale. Overall it was good, but not great.

Especially when they are awesome NFL quarterbacks

I think when Michael Vick gets out of jail (where he is presumed to be heading when he pleads guilty on Monday to gambling/dog abuse charges) the NFL should let him play again. There are many reasons that I will go through, but the biggest reason is that he is awesome at football.

Now I know some of the allegations are awful – the dog fighting, the murder/executions of losing dogs, the doggie rape chambers, but let’s put this in perspective. Perhaps the dogs would not want to go on living with missing jaws and eyes. I know many people who would rather be dead than be left in a vegetative state and I am sure that dogs are no different (and for the record Don Bluth was right – all dogs do go to Heaven so I am sure they are better off). Furthermore, Saddam Hussein ran human rape chambers and it took us like 20 years and a war of false pretext to get him. It took the feds like 6 months to nail Vick to the wall.

And recently I was subjected to a 13 minute video from PETA by my girlfriend on the horrors and abuses of the various meat industries. What these animals are subjected to is atrocious and all of us who enjoy steak or hot dogs are complicit in it. I will probably not stop eating steak and chicken and hot dogs (well maybe hot dogs), but I would push for more humane treatment of the animals in the way they live and are killed. However, corporate America would never allow that because it would eat into profits and too many people in this country don’t give a fu-k to make corporations change. And most young people today will treat you like a loser if you speak passionately about the environment

So we deal with it and a small percentage of the population like my girlfriend, Alec Baldwin and Russell Simmons swear off meat, while the vast majority decide to look the other way or say that this is acceptable torture of animals. But then we jump at the chance to condemn a celebrity who is doing awful things to dogs for sport. I personally think hunting is stupid and barbaric in 2007 and I think the same of Ultimate Fighting competitions. What Michael Vick was doing was simply a combination of the two. I think it is terrible, but I feel the outcry over the treatment of animals in the Vick case does not require any real self examination of our behaviors in general. It is easy to point at Vick and call him a monster, but wide scale animal slaughter and massive environmental destruction by corporations, as well as by us as individuals, is ok because to change that would take too much personal sacrifice.

But the real reason I am against banning Vick from the NFL is because he is an awesome football player. Warren Moon beat his wife, OJ Simpson wrote a crude book about hypothetical murder, etc. The list of NFL offenders is long, but it may be a guy who ran dog fights that faces a lifetime ban. Are they not aware of how electrifying a player Michael Vick is? At some point he was going to become the first quarterback with 4,000 yards passing, 1,000 yards rushing in the same season (I think he’d be the first). I think in this life we give second chances to lots of people for superficial reasons. Bad men because they are rich, bad women because they are beautiful, bad kids because they’re yours. I think we can cut Vick some slack as well. He should still be punished, but that’s no reason to punish the NFL fan as well.

Oh, and by the way there is an unjust war going on where almost 4,000 American humans have died. Woof!