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A cinematic enema

It has been some time since I gave a comprehensive movie review on this site. I still feel that I am recovering from the Winter of 2006 where at one point I saw 7 movies in 8 days or something like that. But with Summer Season underway I was very excited to see Spider Man 3 on Friday night.

In 2002 I felt that Spider Man joined the elite company of Batman and Terminator 2 as one of the best summer movies of all time. Then in 2004 Spider Man 2 came out and was actually better than the first.

Upon seeing previews for Spider Man 3 I was excited and actually believed it may join The Lord of The Rings as the only trilogy to sustain excellence for all three films (Sofia Coppola ruined the Godfather’s chances, as did the Ewoks for Star Wars).

But that is not what happened.

Spider Man 3 is a mess and the critics should be ashamed of themselves. Movie critics have been called whores for the movie industry for many years by my uncle, but he can be an extremely tough critic sometimes. However if ever that were true Spider Man 3 proves it. Some critics were harsher than others, but even in some reviews that I read that were very lukewarm they seemed afraid to say: “This movie sucks!” And then other critics, like at the NY Post and NY Daily News gave strong reviews. They were like pimps telling me about this amazing looking girl they have for sale, but neglecting to mention that she has a penis.

Well, let me tell you – Spider Man 3 is a mess. The computer effects play like a video game, there are to many villains and only a few jokes by Topher Grace and Bruce Campbell and one funny montage of arrogant Peter Parker were enjoyable for me. The villains are not developed at all and I don’t know if I have cared so little about characters since the tour de force Alpha Dog.

I do not blame audiences for flocking to this film in record numbers. I felt compelled to see it because of how much I liked the first two. But I do blame the audience members (probably 1/3 of the theater) that clapped when the movie was done. Without getting into the nonsense of clapping at a movie – shame on you dumb, easily pacified moviegoers.

And then there were the a-holes who kept talking throughout the movie sitting behind me and my girlfriend. She, like any petite woman with a 250 lb boyfriend decided to scold them halfway through the film. I felt like a marine in 2003 when George Bush told the terrorists, “Bring it on!” I get what you’re saying, but I may end up fighting this battle so could we use more diplomacy for now. Nothing happened except the gentleman who did most of the talking behind me kept calling Mary Jane Watson a slut.

Overall Spider man 3 is the biggest, but is also just the first of a potential awful trend for this Summer. Shrek 3, Pirates 3, Bourne 3 and Rush Hour 3 are just some of the third offerings available to audiences this Summer. FU-K!

Results are in: They’re all idiots (or at least unelectable).

I remember the Election of 2000. It was the first time I would vote in a presidential race and I was excited. I was a big fan of Al Gore and could not see how a Special Olympian from Texas/Connecticut would beat him. However, I was also in college and managed to read a newspaper once every 10 days so I was not as in tune as I should have been to what the country was apparently inhaling.

I even remember my political science professor taking a poll of the class and I proudly and confidently raised my hand twice when asked whether Al Gore would win the popular and/or the electoral vote.

Well I was in for a rude awakening when competent leadership lost out to “one of the guys.” (On a side note, since when is a hard line born again Christian “just one of the guys?”)

So with interest I tuned in to MSNBC last night to watch some of the Republican Debate, which turned into a contest for who was most interested in a threesome with God and Ronald Reagan.

All my family kept saying to me was that I should get into politics after watching this based on the quality of candidates. Unfortunately I would still have a tougher time because I am a Democrat and would be facing a tougher field of candidates.

As for as the Republicans let’s start with Mitt Romney. The former governor of Massachusetts, handsome, with Arnold Schwarzenegger-like hair, Charlize Theron-orange tan, a voice that could melt butter and an absolute joke. I am not one for superficiality when electing a president, but in his case I will make an exception. I cannot take a President who looks like he belongs on a Warner Brothers lot. I would always feel like I was watching a movie: “Now playing the role of the President of the United States, two-time Golden Globe winner Mitt Romney.

Superficiality also rules out former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. Really? President HUCKABEE? And he, along with two other candidates, doesn’t believe in Evolution. As I often tell people who tell me that they don’t believe in the death penalty, “No, no it exists.” Now in the case of the death penalty you can be against it and try to abolish it, but evolution is much more stubborn.

Next – John McCain. I know he was a POW and suffered great physical trauma, but when he gets to waiving those alligator arms I feel like I am watching a Jim Henson production from the 1970s entitled “Muppets Take On Old Politicians”

Sam Brownback, another one of Evolution’s enemies (in his defense he is from Kansas, which may have less evidence of evolution than other places) and all I can say is a man who looks like a 3 way cross of Joe Piscopo, Greg Brady and Mr. Furley (Don Knotts) will never be the leader of the free world.

Tommy Thompson, former governor of Wisconsin, is unelectable because he thinks it is alright for an employer to fire someone just because they are gay and because he looks like a rubber faced villain from Dick Tracy.

The rest of the candidates are pretty much non-entities, other than “America’sth mayor,” Rudy Giuliani. Hopefully if he is elected he will have “America’s son of a prostitute” Bernard Kerik as his Vice President. Rudy Giuliani has come to the realization that outside of NY he is a Democrat, but within places like NY he is a man who wields power uncompromisingly, much like George W. I think a Giuliani administration would be more transparent than the current administration but would also included more “Fu-k you, this is what I am doing, deal with it” moments than the Bush regime (and that’s saying something). Moreover, we may have elected the one man capable of evoking 9/11 more than George W. Bush.

So after surveying the field I realize that none of these men can be elected president. Once the Democrats win in the 2008 Election I expect there to be a big push to amend the Constitution so Arnold Schwarzenegger can run for the presidency. That said, I have been wrong before on electability.

I think one of the toughest things to swallow with politics and why I may never get involved is because they seem to require, especially at local levels a combination of mediocrity and ass-kissing that makes me uncomfortable. Exceptional people in politics seem as rare as they do in every other profession and the old saying, the Cream Rises to the Top, has been disproved time and time again, most notably with our current president. So to answer all those e-mails and blog questions – no I am not running for President.

This weekend will be fun-filled for me. Game 7 of the Utah Jazz playoff series and Spider Man 3. Recaps will be given Monday.

Have a nice weekend.

It is time for George W. Bush to follow my lead

Critics said that setting a timetable would send the wrong message to our enemies. Some said that leaving before the job was finished would leave us worse off than before. Others said 28 years to be bogged down is too long a commitment.

Well, fans of my comedy may be sorely disappointed because plans are set for a June 2007 withdrawal from my parents’ home.

I believe my situation is similar to the War in Iraq and can offer a blueprint to success and withdrawal there.

1) I began law school the same month as 9/11 and the trauma of that was justification for a lot of decisions after that. Living in a post 9/11 job market I opted out of the most sensible/lucrative approach (law firms/Afghanistan) and went into government service (government/Iraq).

2) While living at home I was expected to be greeted as liberated, but slowly began to feel occupied. Furthermore Civil War began to break out among the Irish and the Haitians (Sunni/Shiites). I was told that I could stand down when they stood up, but as they have gotten older standing up has become more difficult.

3) There comes a time when you just have to leave. I am very grateful (and don’t feel like a loser) for being able to have lived at home and saved some money since leaving school. What I am telling you, Mr. President is that even though these colors don’t run, they can move.

One is bothering J-L and one is J-L

So in Phillipe news (two blogs on this loser is two too many, but anyway…), he has told my girlfriend’s friend that he “must see her again.” This was in the face of protests by her that she “hated him” and the fact that her boyfriend, (me) is approximately twice his size, does not work as a hairdresser and already hates him for fu-king up his passion, which is comedy.

So if anyone meets a 5’5″ bag of douche named Phillipe (or Felipe) who is a hairdresser for Aveda please punch him hard in the face, or at least don’t tip him if he does your hair.

In better news, my nephew was born Friday and he was not born on my birthday (he was 13 days early, exactly as early as his older brother). His name is Julian Langston (ironically, the name of the comic who beat me in March Madness was named Julian so thanks for the reminder). Not only that, but there is a good chance that when I make the initials J-L famous, little Julian will want to take J-L from me. But at least I will keep my birthday all to myself.

Well, back to work – yes I am working on Saturday night to keep the people of Bronx county safe.

And for all of you that want to buy me presents – I turn 28 on Tuesday. I will therefore extend my streak to approximately 1,000 days of living at home since obtaining a law degree from Georgetown, which is a modern day record. The all time record was when Gunther McCloskey, class of 1809, lived at home for 2,765 days after obtaining his law degree because he was the oldest son and his parents had died of sore throats and he had 11 younger brothers and sisters to care for on the family farm. Most people think I will never touch that record because circumstances would no longer mandate such an exhaustive stay at home. But some experts believe that the fact that I have been there for 1,000 days already defies logic and that the record may not be as untouchable as it seems. See you on my 34th birthday.

The story of one man’s quest to ruin the DC Comedy Fest

So this weekend I headed down to DC with three objectives: hang out with my brother and his family, MC two shows at the DC Comedy Fest and meet my girlfriend’s parents. Quite a full plate.

First, my nephew, featured prominently on the home page of my website is a cute little fellow and loves his mother. However, other than his stuffed bear it is unclear whether he loves anything other than his mother. I think sons start to love their fathers once they need jars and canisters opened.

Next to the DC Comedy Fest. Now if you go to the DC Comedy Fest website you will see me listed as the MC for two shows on Saturday night (taking place at two different times). This is obviously a trick because Saturday morning I received an e-mail telling me that I was not listed on the second show (once again check their website). So naturally I was a little pissed at the lack of organization, but like a good comedic grunt I went to the HR-57 theater (second stage – which was sort of like a WWII bunker with a microphone). The lineup was great, including my friend and fellow NYC comic Nick Cobb . My girlfriend was sitting in the front row with a friend of hers from high school and we were all set to have a great show. Then, just as I took the mic, Philipe walked in.

A little about Phillipe (which I learned later):

-He is 5’5″

– He is a hairdresser

– He is the most annoying motherfu-ker on Planet Earth

Phillipe sat down at the table with my girlfriend so I assumed he was a friend of hers from high school. So imagine my surprise when he started answering my rhetorical questions and shouting out random information barely related to the jokes being told. Throughout the performances here is what Phillipe did:

– Bought 2 comics beers and placed them on the stage during their sets

– Pulled off his belt and threw it on the stage during one comic’s performance

– Clapped and shouted a la Max Cady from Cape Fear (the DeNiro version)

-Angered every comic and audience member

I was in a tough conflict of interest position because I thought he was my girlfriend’s friend so I kept text messaging her things like: “Shut him the fu-k up please!” She then told me several important things like “I don’t know him.” and “I want to kill him.” Security wanted to kick Phillipe out, but I gave him more chances than Steve Howe. I probably shouldn’t have.

The comics were all great and I suggest you look them up: Bill Bushart, Myq Kaplan, Sean Gabbert, Mark Forward, Nick Cobb and Chris White. They all performed well and dealt with Phillipe well.

After the show, I was lucky enough to hang out with my girlfriend, her friend and Phillipe. Phillipe proceeded to apologize to me, but then told me that he was making the comics “raise their game,” and that he “made the show” and that he was just “being himself.” I then told him that if we all wanted to be ourselves I might have killed him. But since we respect other people, their performances and the laws of the District of Columbia I would not kill him and he should have shut the fu-k up.

Phillipe’s night ended with him at a bar complementing a woman on her breasts right in front of the woman’s husband. Bouncers became involved and we abandoned Phillipe. Right now he is cutting some woman’s hair telling her how funny he is.

Then Sunday I played the role of Greg Focker and met my girlfriend’s parents. Very nice people, very nice time. Her father seemed very interested in my comedy career. Now if the rest of America could share in that enthusiasm I would be happy and wealthy and he would not have to wonder why his daughter’s boyfriend calls himself a comic if he is dueling hairdressers for attention.

Why won’t the nappy headed hos leave him alone?

What I just did there was illustrate a point. I do not consider the Rutgers Women’s basketball team to be what Don Imus referred to them as. I am just trying to make a joke off of his joke. Tragedy + time = comedy. Hopefully there has been enough time. Besides I thought Imus was talking about Joachim Noah on Florida at first.

I have never been a fan of Don Imus, but I am familiar with his style. For instance when members of his station team would call the New York Knicks “Carjackers in shorts” there was no outcry. Why? Because like any “shock jock” Imus said things to get a rise out of people and to phrase things in intentionally abrasive ways. And people knew what to expect. I am not saying that he may not have prejudices and problems, but this is by no means a Michael Richards incident. I honestly don’t know why such a big deal has been made of this.

And another thing – last time I checked, Rosa Parks was not playing point guard for the Rutgers Women’s basketball team. So can we stop making them out to be the next great pioneers in civil rights history? Good for them – they accomplished a lot and are handling this with some class, but so what?

Also, I am not a Sharpton hater like many people, but Al – give me a break. This really doesn’t concern you. The Sean Bell incident I understand. The Abner Louima incident I understand. This? I don’t understand.

I will actually admit when I read the quote for the first time I laughed. Maybe Imus meant it as a searing insult to the women on the team and as a larger affront to black women (who have had it rough in America, second only to gay Native Americans as the most down trodden of America’s people). Black women have had it rough and still do in many respects, but Don Imus’ intentional joke will do a lot less harm than Hollywood and the music industry at creating a bad impression of black women. I respect the need and urgency to protect the image and dignity of black women, especially in light of this country’s history both recent and not so recent, but isn’t creating or helping to create a culture of acceptance of women as sex objects, as is so prevalent on music videos and subways much more of a threat. The typical 16 year old black man and black woman are watching MTV and BET, not listening to Don Imus.

But at the same time I have seen men like Al Sharpton critical of the hip hop culture, but those articles generally get much lighter coverage than incidents like this because this is easier. “White man calls black women Ho” is an easy headline and will sell more papers. So the media is just as much to blame for giving this the huge coverage that it has received. And then we buy it and debate and make it into an issue of importance (and write comedic blogs about it) instead of wondering about more important issues, like Anna Nicole’s baby daddy.

Don Imus should just go on Oprah and be done with it. I would also probably die of laughter if he had the balls to call her a nappy headed ho. Once is a mistake or bad judgment. Twice is balls and hilarious.

And I am officially a sell out

So Friday was Good Friday and I was excited for Easter. On my way to dinner with my girlfriend, who is white with blonde hair and blue eyes, we passed two black women who gave me what would be called an “approving look-over,” followed by a disapproving look of my girlfriend, followed by the “OJ, Tiger and now this fool?” look. I then began to smile because just like budding flowers and chirping birds, when more people start recognizing my half-blackness you know spring and sunshine are in the air. It also guarantees that your girlfriend will try to pick a fight through scowls and “hating your jokes” for a few minutes.

The rest of the night was spent trying to convince my girlfriend why Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is awesome. Unsuccessful.

Saturday we went to Inherit the Wind with Christopher Plummer and Brian Dennehy. Excellent play, but what made it more awesome was the fact that Steven Colbert was sitting six rows directly in front of me. I know what you’re thinking and no, he hadn’t heard of me. It was just awkward watching my girlfriend sit on his lap for the second act of the play.

Sh-t falling from the sky

Today when I was walking back from my lunchtime stroll (I know, I am about 25 years too young to stroll at lunchtime) a funny thing happened that requires a short re-telling.

I was walking towards Sheridan Avenue on 158th Street when a very full and very used diaper came falling from the sky and landed about 5 feet behind me.

Now I am a glass half full kind of guy so I was thrilled to see that a baby was not in the diaper. But I had to wonder if someone was throwing it at me or just normally throws sh-t filled diapers out of their windows.

The best part was the woman walking about 20 feet behind me said (interrupting her own cell phone conversation), “What the fu-k is you doing throwing shi–y diapers out your fu–in’ window? That’s why motherfu–ers think this ain’t sh-t!” (back to cell phone conversation) Fu-k that ni-ga, I would straight up fu-k that nig-a up!” Examining her words carefully you will see the definition of irony.

It’s good to know that in this city where real estate is getting more and more expensive, there will always be an area that I will be able to afford. “This place is a bit of a fixer upper, but it’s close to the subway, you have high ceilings and you’ll be near work. The only thing is sometimes you have to watch out for flying human feces and the knife wielding women who hate them.”

I’ll take it.

“Who the f–k is John?”

So yesterday my girlfriend surprised me with a couples massage at a trendy little spa in Manhattan. After 8 am Mass listening to the Passion of Christ (Palm Sunday) it was good to de-stress.

So we get the spa and the first thing the woman at the desk says is, “OK, so this is a couples’ massage for Lisa and John.”

Who?

Now I have a game I like to play with my girlfriend. It’s called, how can I embarrass her? She claims to not get embarrassed easily, but I learned on a trip to Puerto Rico that there is one way to do so. When someone would ask us if we were married I would tell them, “Well, I am, but she’s not.” Because resorts and spas are often places where wealthy shady people go the staff would adopt this, “Hey whatever you do with your life is cool” attitude, which would embarrass my girlfriend when she would protest that I was joking.

So back to the spa. I pretended to flip out a little bit, but then reassured them that I was joking.

So we go to the changing rooms where I get down to my boxer briefs and have to put on a robe and a pair of Crocs. For those of you that don’t know what crocs are – they are these bright colored rubber shoes that look like strainers. The staff member brought out a pair of 14s for me so I thanked her for finding my size, but asked if they came in my sexual orientation. The fact that I have seen many women and some men wearing these things around the city reminds me of the Emperor’s New Clothes. If something is said to be cool or hip or fashionable, even for a day, someone will wear them no matter how dumb they look.

So then our masseuses arrived. Fortunately my girlfriend requested a female for me because I would not have wanted the awkward exchange of “Hey, not that I mind another man working my body out in a strictly professional manner, but I would kind of prefer a woman.”

My girlfriend had a man and I quickly made sure he was gay (he was wearing crocs), but I was not 100% positive.

So the massage began and it felt good, but hearing the oils being rubbed vigorously into my girlfriend’s body in the bed next to me made me want to look up and say, “You having fun over there Alex (that was his name).”

So then there was the turn over, which is usually the point where the masseuse says, “I will give you a minute, because they don’t want a Derek Zoolander experience on the massage table.” But interestingly enough any stimulating feelings that arise from a good massage are nullified by the sound of “Alex” smacking, flipping and rubbing it down (Oh no! – Bell Biv Devoe) on your girlfriend on the next table. So I flipped over without hesitation.

All in all, a very good experience. Except for the crocs.

And in other news, a 2 time MLB All Star is convicted of attempted murder

I am not a media conspiracy theorist, but I saw two stories given, at best, equal treatment in the sports pages of several newspapers that annoyed me a little bit.

In one story, Michael Ray Richardson, a former NBA 4-time all star suspended from the league for numerous drug policy violations (like using them), who is now languishing as a coach in the NBA’s equivalent of the minor leagues (coaching the Albany Patroons)said the following:

“I’ve got big-time lawyers,” Richardson said, according to the Times Union. “I’ve got big-time Jew lawyers.”

When told by the reporters that the comment could be offensive to people because it plays to the stereotype that Jews are crafty and shrewd, he responded with, “Are you kidding me? They are. They’ve got the best security system in the world. Have you ever been to an airport in Tel Aviv? They’re real crafty. Listen, they are hated all over the world, so they’ve got to be crafty.”

And he continued, “They got a lot of power in this world, you know what I mean?” he said. “Which I think is great. I don’t think there’s nothing wrong with it. If you look in most professional sports, they’re run by Jewish people. If you look at a lot of most successful corporations and stuff, more businesses, they’re run by Jewish. It’s not a knock, but they are some crafty people.”

In other sports news, a two-time MLB All Star and one time World Series winner, Ugueth Urbina was convicted of attempted murder in Venezuela and sentenced to 14 years in prison.

Let me first say that the comments by Richardson are ignorant, but still do not even reach the level of Tim Hardaway’s ode to prejudice concerning the John Amechi coming out story of last month. I thought the “Jew lawyer” comment was inappropriate, the use of crafty is somewhere on the Joe Biden-Barack Obama description level of stupidity and saying that Jews are hated all over the world I am sure would get agreement from many Jews. And then there’s the source, an ex-junkie, ex-NBA player. What is next: Today in New York the Knicks ball boy told the following joke: “What is the goal of Jewish football? To get the quarterback.” The League has suspended the ball boy indefinitely.

No one would really care. And I’m still not sure we can look to former drug addicts and 1970s NBA players for politically correct and insightful comments.

That said, anti-Semitism is real and bad, but I don’t think it required the coverage it was given, most significantly in the NY Daily News, concerning Richardson. Especially in light that its coverage, at least in that publication, dwarfed the coverage of a current baseball player (at the time of his arrest) and two time all star who was convicted of attempted murder. I was a little more interested in that.