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Danish for – “Please don’t let Robert Zemeckis make a film version of me”

I was part of the $28 million that was poured into theaters this weekend to watch Beowulf, the frighteningly bad film from the guy who directed Forrest Gump.

The technology used in this movie to capture human body movements and facial expressions is sort of like nuclear weapons technology: we wished no one had invented it because it can do more damage in the wrong hands than it can do good in the right ones.

The problems with this movie include some of the following:

1) Angelina Jolie plays a beautiful half woman, half lizard creature that wears stilettos. The year is 507 A.D. I know if I believe there could be a half-lizard/half-woman I should not have a problem with her wearing some Manolos, but it just seemed too stupid.

2) The humans look scary. They appear to be zombies – moving and talking, yet lifeless at the same time. I have an idea. Instead of making a $150 million video game, hire the real actors and do special effects and make a real movie for $150 million?

3) The dialogue is awful in parts. If I had to hear them say “I have heard great tales of your lordship’s sweet meat,” one more time I would have asked for a refund because I did not buy a ticket to a gay porno flick.

4) The best part of the film was my friend’s commentary, which I hope will be on the DVD release. The words “stupid” and “slut” have not been yelled by one person at a movie screen since Michael Lohan attended the premier of Herbie Fully Loaded.

Saturday I saw Across the Universe, the homage to the Beatles. It had the benefit of following Beowulf, but his did not qualify as a film either. It was just an inside joke for Beatles fans.

So this week I must see some real movies. Like American Gangster and… Enchanted.

Movies, Flannel and Sneakers

So for the past five days my girlfriend/fiancée (same person) was in San Diego on a business trip. So I had free reign to party like a rock star. It was like some sort of warped version of Risky Business as I ran through the apartment in Utah Jazz boxers listening to Justin Ttimberlake. I had a list of things to do in my lady’s absence and I accomplished them all. Here they are:

1) I wore flannel shirts. Twice.

Modern women seem to think that flannel is only for lesbians. They may be right, but I enjoy the warmth and the feel of these wonderful shirts. I may not be a lumberjack, but there should still be room in the hip and cool upper west side for a man’s man. I get manicures sometimes so I guess that is not me, but at least I am paving the way for some man’s man to do so.

2) I wore sneakers with jeans.

I never thought this look was offensive, perhaps a tad immature, but it reminds my girlfriend of Seinfeld (on the show), minus the brilliant humor. But I was able to walk 10% faster over the last five days.

3) I went crazy at the movies.

When me and LB started dating it was winter and very cold. We spent a lot of time at the movies. Too much in fact according to her and most normal people, but to me there can be no such thing as “too much movie time.” That is like saying breasts can be “too big” or a Lord of the Rings film could be “too long.” But I have been seeing many more movies by myself (aside)

Why do people keep telling me that going to the movies by myself is weird? People should not talk during the movies (my white half dominates at movies) and their attention is on the screen. This is as non-social an activity as possible, but we have accepted as something to do with other people. The only time I ever felt weird going to a movie by myself was when I was 19 and lifeguarding in Manhattan. It was raining so the pool closed and I went to see the Disney movie Hercules (awful). Many little kids stared at me like there was something wrong, but probably because I looked too old to see the Tate Donovan/James Woods voiced cartoon. However, something put me at ease. There was a 40 year old man sitting by himself. In a trenchcoat. Now that’s weird.

So anyway I managed to see 5 films over the five days. Michael Clayton (B), Rendition, (A-), Bee Movie (C+), No Country For Old Men (A) and Lions For Lambs (B+). I held off on American Gangster because wifey wants to see it, even though Parker Posey is not in it.

So now I have today off (government holiday) and in honor of Veterans and the fact that LB is at work I will wear sneakers, jeans, flannel and see the new Sidney Lumet movie. At least she knows that I am safe from other women when she is not around.

This says it all. A fiancée, a TV audition (went well, but not excellent) and other good news I cannot divulge yet. Not the atmosphere for good comedy writing. This is what leads people to be happy and content.

Hopefully something inspires me to write something funny this weekend. if all else fails next week me and LB (fiancée) are going to register for gifts. I assume all readers will want the info.

Have a good weekend (3 day for government employees).

No one seems impressed by my tv credit

Well, it has been a month since my national television debut. So far I have sold two copies of my CD to strangers (always good when it is not a family friend), received about 30 e-mails/MySpace messages from new fans.

So my dilemma is, will I be like Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Along Came Polly – doing Community Theater 20 years from now talking about my 5 minutes of comedy glory? An Al Bundy with a law degree, with each minute of TV time equaling one touchdown of Bundy’s against Polk High (or did he play for Polk High).

Well, Tuesday I have an audition for Live at Gotham. If I am fortunate enough to get that it will give me Comedy Central and CBS as credits. My next goal will be an appearance on Conan, giving me NBC. But the real joke will be to see if I can get all that and still not be a paid comic, but merely the funny guy at the law office. And there is nothing really funny about listening to Fergie sing on 106.7 while writing up cases on a Saturday in the Bronx.

So come out and see me at Gotham on Tuesday at 9. Or see me there in a few months with 10 of my friends.

My idea is Peter Braunstein.

I have been tinkering with going as Peter Braunstein for Halloween. He is the crazy woman-hater that went dressed up as a firefighter and imprisoned and groped a woman in her Chelsea apartment a couple of Halloweens ago.

The costume would consist of a firefighter uniform, which would make me more attractive to women (apparently it is possible, although I thought owning two sets of Lord of The Rings DVDs would seal the deal). For God’s sake, the woman let him in to the apartment. Sure he said there was a fire, but half of us know that she probably thought it was some Playgirl fantasy come true. “There’s no fire here sir because I’m already wet…” You get the idea.

Then I would have a chloroform rag and duct tape. Voila – costume complete. It would accomplish many things: originality, sexual appeal and tastelessness. I have been given a few suggestions by my girlfriend – Green Giant, because I love broccoli and am a giant, Paul Bunyon, because I own flannel shirts and am a giant, and a T-Rex, because I make weird screeching noises and am a giant.

This is exactly the kind of type casting I am afraid of years from now when Hollywood realizes I am a comic genius and try to always make me a giant. I don’t want to be a Latin/Arab-looking version of Michael Clarke Duncan.

My girlfriend has the advantage of being little and cute which avails her of many more costumes as long as they Halloween appropriate (revealing and more revealing). This year she will be a vampire with a taste for blood and Christian Louboutins.

I am taking suggestions for a costume. I could always just wear a suit and carry around The Audacity of Hope.

Racial Chameleon in full force.

This weekend I went to a wedding in Richmond, Virginia. Based on all the large buildings that appeared to be banking headquarters (Wachovia and Sun Trust to name a couple) I was surprised to find that the airport and city were so sleepy. As it turned out the Folk Festival was going on so everyone was preoccupied with that.

The wedding ceremony was a pleasant outdoor affair and pretty quick. The highlight of the ceremony was when a large pine cone fell from a tree and struck a woman in the head. Then the real fun began.

My girlfriend and I needed a ride from the ceremony to the reception so we managed to get a ride with two women who looked only 50 years old, but had to have been at least 200 years old based on their accents and vocabulary. While riding to the reception a black man with dreds rode past the car on a bicycle, which prompted the following response from the driver:

“Oh my – a jig-a-boo (spelling?) with dreds went by and scared me. ha ha”

Somewhere before coon and after darkie I think is where jig-a-boo lines up on the slurs against black people list. I thought I was in a scene from Mississippi Burning or reading a passage out of Huck Finn. The driver’s side woman told her to hush or something southern like that either because:

a) she knew the driver was ignorant

b) she did not want these Yankees hearing all their local vocabulary

c) the tall guy in the backseat looks awfully jig-a-boo-ish.

The other thing these southern women did was exaggerate or over-dramatize the importance of everything, probably still trying to emulate Scarlett O’Hara: “My Gawd – theyar is a pahking space ova theyar! Don’t tell me theyar – you will have me pahkin in a hole in the ground!” I think had there been two open spaces she might have started speaking in tongues.

At the reception I realized I was in full racial chameleon undercover because when “Play that Funky Music White Boy” some 55 year old blonde, former-Jon Benet Ramsey type pointed at me and told me to play the music, I guess because I appeared to be full on white boy. That normally would not have been so weird except I was overwhelmingly the darkest person not working at the wedding. Perhaps they just thought I was a dirty Italian (hard “i”).

As the alcohol continued to flow and the band continued to play I danced with my girlfriend as well as several of the older ladies we were sitting with. I felt like Johnny in Dirty Dancing, working over all the guests at the resort.

The only other observation I noticed of these older southern women is that they insist on offering support for statements that stand on their own. One woman would say, “My husband is an accountant,” and the other would chime in with, “That’s true – he is good with numbers!” Or, “I was at the grocery store the other day,” followed by “She most certainly was!” Thanks Mabel, I never would have believed her outrageous tale of the accountant husband and the food shopping without your corroboration.

The worst part of the trip for me was definitely the hour long flight home. It was on a plane that apparently goes off course every time a wind of 5 mph or stronger hits it. I hate flying a lot. Especially in small planes. If your city does not merit a large plane then I don’t want to go. It’s true; I do not want to go.

Does He Deserve One More Chance?

The Joe Torre Dynasty may be coming to a close today and the question people are asking is does he deserve one more chance to bring a championship back to the Bronx? Let’s look at the history.

Torre may have done himself in by spoiling Yankee fans so early. They won 4 titles in his first 5 seasons as manager and then made it to the World Series 2 of the 3 seasons after that. That first half had people delirious and it seemed like the good time would never end.

Torre may have set expectations that are too unrealistic, but it is understandable for George Steinbrenner and the fans to expect the same. They keep supporting the Yankees with record attendance despite high ticket prices so what they want in return is the absolute best. In the last 4 years of the JTD, they have not performed as well. They are still the Yankees at their core and are one of the best teams in baseball, but the fans are no longer concerned about being very good. They want excellence and that can be one of the hardest things to deliver because excellence is the norm so when you do it, it is expected and when you don’t it is a catastrophe. Every year that the fans don’t get a title it becomes worse because it seems to draw a greater contrast to what was or what could be.

Until very recently I would have said that Torre should go. The players need a new style, something that can motivate them and feel like winners again. But after reading about how much the Yankees tried to rally around Torre there is something there that is worth a 13th year. Steinbrenner has tried to sell out for titles before and it ended up being a catastrophe. Perhaps in this case giving Torre one more chance will bring a 2008 championship (last year in the old stadium would be a nice way to go out) without sacrificing the last remaining bits of integrity the Yankees have. So personally, I hope Torre is given one more chance.

That said, I expect Joe Torre to be fired by the weekend.

He has officially introduced nuance into the 2008 campaign.

One of the things that doomed John Kerry’s bid for the White House, other than a successful war in Iraq, was his comment “I voted for it, before I voted against” regarding funding. Although there was a reasonable explanation for what he said he made the mistake of saying something that required explaining. The rest is History.

So now Barack Obama has made the mistake of acknowledging that he does not wear the “Lou Dobbs Special,” an American flag pin on his lapel.

Now the same hillbillies that scream at people at sporting events to take off their hats (or in one pathetic case I was present at a sports bar about a year or so ago where a fight almost broke out because one man would not take his hat off for the televised national anthem) are probably screaming: “As if it wasn’t bad enough… now he don’t support the flag or the troops.”

Barack offered an explanation – that many of the public figures wearing an American Flag pin are not doing what troops and America actually need and are hiding behind it as a show of patriotism, without any real sacrifice.

Too many words Barack!!!

This reminds me of the Bill Hicks routine where he spoke of people concerned that they HAD to burn their flag because it was upheld by the Supreme Court as constitutionally protected free speech. Obama is fine with people wearing the pin, but he has observed enough political hypocrisy that he wants his actions to speak louder than his lapel.

Sadly, if he was electable I think this is the kind of insignificant, issue that will bury Obama’s chances.

12 hours of flying, 5 minutes of comedy and my ears have not popped yet.

People often say that pornography is not as sexy when they are making it, but is very technical and staged to give the impression that it is the hottest sex ever. Considering that it allows the stars to divert their attention from their past experiences with child abuse I am sure they still enjoy it.

Similarly, I learned that filming a television show is all about illusions, but still a very enjoyable experience. When I got to the CBS studio at about 4 pm on October 2nd in LA (having adequately prepared for my set at a hostel on 106th and Central Park West in front of 12 foreigners the night before) I saw that the guests there were Chi McBride (Boston Public principal) and Teri Polo (Greg Focker’s wife). But they were not going to be on my show. My guests would be there the next day. So what you see on television is actually two or three different audiences made to look as if they are one audience.

I got all the perks, my own dressing room, a green room with cookies, and a tote bag in case I am a 60 year old woman (present for Mom). I sat in the green room eating chocolate chip cookies and drinking water. Then it was my turn to perform. I feel like I did well and was surprised at how un-nervous I was. Unfortunately I never got to meet Craig Ferguson. That is because he had already left when I went on. But he did leave me a card in my dressing room that read: “Welcome J-L. Don’t suck. Love, Craig.” So what you saw on television was fake. He filmed my intro the day I left California. But he did pronounce my name correctly, for which I am very grateful.

The experience was awesome, although very tiring because the Man insisted that I be back Thursday so he could continue to keep me down. And so here I am.

For real – check TiVo; I’m on it.

So a dream of mine is set to come true. I am taping a late night television show tomorrow and it will air Wednesday night. This is a phenomenal opportunity. Not much else to say.