Danish for – “Please don’t let Robert Zemeckis make a film version of me”

I was part of the $28 million that was poured into theaters this weekend to watch Beowulf, the frighteningly bad film from the guy who directed Forrest Gump.

The technology used in this movie to capture human body movements and facial expressions is sort of like nuclear weapons technology: we wished no one had invented it because it can do more damage in the wrong hands than it can do good in the right ones.

The problems with this movie include some of the following:

1) Angelina Jolie plays a beautiful half woman, half lizard creature that wears stilettos. The year is 507 A.D. I know if I believe there could be a half-lizard/half-woman I should not have a problem with her wearing some Manolos, but it just seemed too stupid.

2) The humans look scary. They appear to be zombies – moving and talking, yet lifeless at the same time. I have an idea. Instead of making a $150 million video game, hire the real actors and do special effects and make a real movie for $150 million?

3) The dialogue is awful in parts. If I had to hear them say “I have heard great tales of your lordship’s sweet meat,” one more time I would have asked for a refund because I did not buy a ticket to a gay porno flick.

4) The best part of the film was my friend’s commentary, which I hope will be on the DVD release. The words “stupid” and “slut” have not been yelled by one person at a movie screen since Michael Lohan attended the premier of Herbie Fully Loaded.

Saturday I saw Across the Universe, the homage to the Beatles. It had the benefit of following Beowulf, but his did not qualify as a film either. It was just an inside joke for Beatles fans.

So this week I must see some real movies. Like American Gangster and… Enchanted.